Charity Donations in Lieu of Gift

[SummaLuvin]

AIBU to think that a charity donation in lieu of a gift (unless requested by the recipient) is not really acceptable.

It’s something that irks me, as it seems like a get out because someone is lazy or forgot to buy something, and is more of a gift for the giver as it makes them feel good about it. There is rarely consideration of which charities recipient actually supports. But it would be of course be rude and selfish to say anything, so I smile and seethe in private. Do you think it is an appropriate gift?

I agree with others - if it’s tailored to the giftee then it can be a really thoughtful gift. If not, it just screams of virtue signalling or laziness.

Those of you who hate them; would you honestly rather get something thoughtless from the Boots 3 for 2 deal or the seasonal aisle at Sainsbury's instead of knowing that a homeless person gets a hot meal and a bed or someone trying to support their family gets a means to an income?

YANBU

Its fine for someone to decide they no longer want to participate in gift giving and would rather donate the money to charity but surely better to be upfront about your feelings on gift giving rather than claim that the charity thing is in lieu of the gift (unless that is what the recipient has requested)

13:25StressyMcStressFace

"You rarely hear of anyone saying "Please - no more gifts for me! Just donate to the charity of your choice!" Do you? It's a bit virtue signally to do it instead of giving a thoughtful gift"

Au contraire! My in-laws live overseas and are comfortably off (they buy things if they need them) and rather anti-clutter - we pick a different charity for each person and donate in their name - most of them say which charity but some we pick if they haven't mentioned one. If we are seeing them, we'll get them something to unwrap on the day, but on years like this one they send us a cheque and we donate in their name. Everybody's happy, and no one had to stand in line at the post office!

This year DH aunt has said that she will make a donation to the charity of their choice for each DC (age 6, 10 and 13). The kids have been really excited by the proposal and have spent ages deciding which charity to choose.
I wouldn’t have done it, but it turned out to be a good idea!

@SantasBritchesSpelleas

I agree. "I'm not giving gifts this year" and "I'm making a donation to charity" are separate things. One doesn't compensate for the other.

I agree with that. I think it’s fine not to give gifts, but don’t pretend that your charity donations is someone else’s gift. It isn’t. I’d be happy if a relative said, “I’m not giving gifts this year, I’m using the money to donate to xyz” - that’s lovely. Totally support that, but it isn’t a gift for anyone else.

@LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag I would welcome a frank conversation about stopping gift giving with that individual. I would much rather that than a thoughtless gift (charity or otherwise), they can then continue their charity without pretending it was ever for me.

@LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag I have a monthly direct debit to a large homeless charity to help ensure the hot meal and bed situation and the gift giver may quietly and without announcing it on Facebook do the same. I'll happily take the boots bath products cheers!

Those of you who hate them; would you honestly rather get something thoughtless from the Boots 3 for 2 deal or the seasonal aisle at Sainsbury's instead of knowing that a homeless person gets a hot meal and a bed or someone trying to support their family gets a means to an income?

Nope. I'd rather the person said "I'm going donate to charity in your name, as my Christmas gift to you - is that ok?"

To which I'd reply "actually, lets stop doing gifts, or you donate to the charity in your name, and I'll spend the money I'd have used to buy you a gift, to buy something for myself instead".

My parents asked for charity donations instead of gifts, and to a specific charity which they support. A family member gave instead to a charity of their own choosing. It was a local (to the other family member not my parents) homeless charity and was given as the children had been shocked by levels of homelessness in a new town they had moved to. I thought that was really missing the point. You give to the charity of the person's choosing if you're giving on their behalf. If you also want to give to a charity of your choosing go ahead, but not in someone else's name.

That's nice @Elisheva and engaging kids in good causes is fab. They are involved though which is different to the unsolicited 'gifts' which like others have said is more like virtue signalling

I do wonder how many of the purchased goats are actually goats and not just spent on admin...

Does anyone remember the thread last year in which a relative gave the OP's two teenagers an Oxfam goat, but he happily requested and accepted for himself an £80 Kitchen Aid attachment or something.

Cheeky fucker. I'd have been taking it off him and returning it for the money back.

Just dashing out to dinner at friends'' house? No chocolates,wine or flowers at hand to take as a gift? No problem,just regift that Oxfam goat card.

@SchrodingersImmigrant it a goes towards general charity costs. There is no goat unless there are goats within one of the programmes Oxfam are running. It will be earmarked for direct programme costs rather than overheads though.

they can then continue their charity without pretending it was ever for me.

It wasn't for you. It was about you. Partly about you. A gift benefiting someone else, using money that would be otherwise spent on you, because they've mistakenly thought you would like that. Clearly, you can't see how any of this is good because you didn't get a gift in your hands. I don't think it's that complex but clearly is a reach if you're mired in mean spirited self absorption. And if you think that's an unfair read of your position, perhaps it is. I think your read of your friend's position is also unfair.

Did you start this just to have another kick at the OP of the other thread?

My in-laws give charity gifts. They know full well that we support a women's refuge project in our city and a credit union in Africa with our own money. If they offered to donate to those we'd be delighted but they don't. Instead we get goats or something similar. Their charity gifts are all about them and nothing about us. Last year's Oxfam gifts were particularly galling because it was largely the failures by Oxfam which contributed to the huge amount of work I have had to do this year on safeguarding as a trustee of a tiny credit union charity in Africa.

I would welcome a frank conversation about stopping gift giving with that individual.
Then the onus is on you to initiate that conversation.

sporty Don't you think there's every chance they don't know this but do know you're extremely charitable? It sounds difficult to donate to your chosen charity.

I would welcome a frank conversation

That's code for "I'd like to say just what I think without empathy and with considerable passive aggression".

Poor woman. The context is her buying you the wrong gift. Honestly. Stop talking like you're the Head of Governors.

I’d much rather someone donate to a charity - even one I don’t much like - than give me another bloody body shop gift basket!

I’ve given them, to people who I have to give presents to but would end up buying them the equivalent of the body shop basket (step sister I barely know but it would cause a family ruckus if I bought nothing). I try to tailor them - said step sister was training to be a midwife so I made a “support a midwife” donation.

People get weirdly offended about other people giving to charity...

If it is well chosen, it could be a thoughtful gift. The charity should be one close to the receivers heart, not the givers.

If someone donated money to dogs trust on my behalf I would be pissed off. I hate dogs! If someone donated to NSPCC on my behalf I wouldn't mind. If someone donated to the local charity which it regularly support, it would actually be a thoughtful gift.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Buying football lovers a football which acts as a charity donation is simply not the same as buying a goat for somewhere god knows where in a name of someone who is supporting local charity for example.

I was specifically referring to the implication that people buy charity gifts for their own benefit and don't think about the receiver. It's quite patently not true.

@Time40

If someone actually talked to me about it in advance, asked me if I'd like to have a charity donation given in my name and also asked me which charity I wanted to support, then I'd be really pleased with the idea. Otherwise it's a lazy, thoughtless, arrogant get-out.

I agree entirely.