Partner not spending xmas eve with us

[Somebodyimportant1]

Ok, I know I am most probably being reasonable in thinking this is not right but want to see what others make of it.

So partner just got back after breaking up for 2 years. He is still not living with us fulltime (still mostly at his mothers because he said it's closer to work and saves him money on petrol 🙄)

Because London is now in tier 4, he is saying he will have to spend xmas eve with his mother and come to use (myself & 2 kids) on xmas day. now knowing his mother is very manipulative she wouldn't want him to leave her to come to us as she hates me, I doubt he be with us on time on xmas day till late.

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4.

I told him his kids are more important & should be his 1st priority and nothing else.

AIBU to say his mum should just go ahead to his sister for him to come down xmas with his family?

[quote Somebodyimportant1]@booboo24 she wouldn't come to mine even if I decide to put aside all the bad things she's done aside and cordially invite her. She's done lots of bad things to me and she was caught red-handed and can't face me. [/quote]
His mum has treated you badly yet he prioritises still lives with her instead of you?

Normally I’d be saying he cannot leave her alone but actually his actions are shouting that he has no loyalty and doesn’t care about you.

Why do you even want him with you?

@CliffordMouse

Hang on - if you're in a support bubble with him & his mum's "household" why can't they both just come to you?

OP has said his mother hates her, so neither are likely to want to spend Xmas day together.

Jesus, not another one. No wonder rates in London are rocketing. Why won't people just do what they're asked.

Not helpful maybe but as someone else in Tier 4 I'm just sick of this. Do the decent thing OP.

So why are you back together? Just end it already!

@PimlicoJo

Jesus, not another one. No wonder rates in London are rocketing. Why won't people just do what they're asked.

Not helpful maybe but as someone else in Tier 4 I'm just sick of this. Do the decent thing OP.

This is the father of her children.

[quote Somebodyimportant1]@Lightsontbut HELL NO, she can not come to my house for Xmas. She wouldn't even want to because she hates me for no reason and I gave up a long time ago trying. She is the reason we broke up as she wants her son to herself. He is too foolish to see beyond her manipulation. She is a very devilish, diabolical, selfish, controlling person.[/quote]
OP, I’m sorry, but if this is true, and he’s already chosen to stay with his mother instead of come home, then... his choice is made. She cannot wreck your marriage. Only HE can let her wreck your marriage. I would focus on shielding the children and let this one go. What is it you’re hoping to gain?

@PimlicoJo he’s been in my bubble with our kids for the past 4 months and lives in tier 4. You are still allowed to meet with people in your bubble for xmas regardless of tier.

It is what it is OP. Tell the DC he'll probably be there in the evening on Christmas Day, but no guarantees. He will do what he wants and you can't control that.

He might be in your bubble but the way it works is that you are in a bubble with his household. If he comes his mum can't go somewhere else. Sorry, but you're all planning to bend the rules to suit yourselves.

And meanwhile the virus is spreading quickly. I've heard of 6 new cases today among people I know.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone whose mother hated me TBH.

YABU to tell other adults how to spend their Christmas OP. He wants to be with his mum at Christmas, you and your children are not his priority. Stop flogging a dead horse, your relationship is dead in the water.

If his Mother is 80+ then he's about 40? I'd give up on him tbh. Unless there's a back story about you. Ideally his Mother shouldn't be going anywhere at her age and very few people would leave their 80+ Mother on her own. If she's mixing with her daughter anyway, then that's a solution.

Why did you break up and spend two years apart? How are things different now!

@DioneTheDiabolist

YABU to tell other adults how to spend their Christmas OP. He wants to be with his mum at Christmas, you and your children are not his priority. Stop flogging a dead horse, your relationship is dead in the water.

But how upsetting must it be to accept this from the father of your children.

Are posters missing the point that these are HIS kids?

@Ponoka7 yes, there is a real longggg back story that I Dont wanna get into. But I am amazed at how some have just decided to judge & conclude on relationship with only 0.0001% of the story.

@DioneTheDiabolist

YABU to tell other adults how to spend their Christmas OP. He wants to be with his mum at Christmas, you and your children are not his priority. Stop flogging a dead horse, your relationship is dead in the water.

They are his kids too

By choosing to live as he has, your partner has made all his mother’s decisions for her. In making the choice to have this semi-detached relationship with you and your children, he’s taken her options away. Given this, I agree that he has an obligation to his mother at Christmas.

For me, though, the bigger question is why you want a relationship with him at all. Unless the issues which caused you to end it have been properly resolved - and that seems unlikely if you’re blaming his mother for his lack of commitment - why are you willing to be treated poorly, and to allow your children to see this as their model for adult relationships?

I think as his mother will have to stay at home then he could have a good argument for not coming over til Christmas day. What time have you asked him to come over? Why do you think he will be late?

Personally, it wouldn't bother me my DP not coming over until Christmas day. Even when my ex-DH and I were together I would get up with the DC to open their stockings and he would stay in bed. It was my special time with the DC. Then we'd have breakfast and he'd come down in time to swap presents under the tree.

[quote Somebodyimportant1]@Ponoka7 yes, there is a real longggg back story that I Dont wanna get into. But I am amazed at how some have just decided to judge & conclude on relationship with only 0.0001% of the story. [/quote]
But if the 0.0001% includes not being bothered about living with his own kids, what can there be in the 0.9999% that makes up for that? 🤷🏻‍♀️