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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not spending xmas eve with us

120 replies

Somebodyimportant1 · 21/12/2020 08:42

Ok, I know I am most probably being reasonable in thinking this is not right but want to see what others make of it.

So partner just got back after breaking up for 2 years. He is still not living with us fulltime (still mostly at his mothers because he said it's closer to work and saves him money on petrol 🙄)

Because London is now in tier 4, he is saying he will have to spend xmas eve with his mother and come to use (myself & 2 kids) on xmas day. now knowing his mother is very manipulative she wouldn't want him to leave her to come to us as she hates me, I doubt he be with us on time on xmas day till late.

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4.

I told him his kids are more important & should be his 1st priority and nothing else.

AIBU to say his mum should just go ahead to his sister for him to come down xmas with his family?

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 21/12/2020 10:24

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls

I though support bubble could only be formed if one on the households was an single adult person household? (not including childcare bubbles).

As he spends a majority of time with his mum then I think it means he is classed as living there and is part of her household so should not be bubbled up with you. He could be in your bubble if he lived alone.

Children can move between separated or non co habiting parents so they can go to him for contact.

As they are all in tier 4 then he should remain with his household/mum for Christmas. If he wants to see his children he can collect them but should not go in your house.

His mum cannot go to his sisters for Christmas for the same reason. His mum should not be in a support bubble with his sister if her adult son lives in her household.

OP is the single person alone, she's bubbled into his household (i.e., him and his mum) although doesn't sound like mum wants to be in that bubble.
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 21/12/2020 10:25

Oooops Ignore previous post!

Sorry I got that wrong, if he is bubbled with you (you are classed as the single household) his household cannot form another support bubble. So his mum could come to yours with him for Christmas but not his sisters.

Beautifulbonnie · 21/12/2020 10:26

He can’t go to both? It’s Xmas day alone.

plus they can’t all mix anyway.

Bibidy · 21/12/2020 11:09

Can he not just bring his mum to yours as well, if you're all one support bubble?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/12/2020 11:13

Hang on a minute hes the kids dad he is allowed to see them , the question is why does he not want to.
His mother can form a bubble with his sister for xmas day .
I would tell him to rethink his priorities, however I'm afraid you already know what these are as he won't live with you and his children.

Bibidy · 21/12/2020 11:16

Hang on a minute hes the kids dad he is allowed to see them , the question is why does he not want to.

I think he does want to see them but he's just saying he will come Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve.

I can see why he doesn't want to leave his mum alone tbh, if he knows she's not wanting to leave the house to go to his sister.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/12/2020 11:16

I think your problems go beyond the intricacies of support bubbles OP

CliffordMouse · 21/12/2020 11:18

Hang on - if you're in a support bubble with him & his mum's "household" why can't they both just come to you?

vanillandhoney · 21/12/2020 11:18

@Belepheron

I think vanilla is wrong? He can't be your support bubble as he does not live alone. Bubbles are not "I spend time with these people". They are to limit contact. So he lives with his mum. He can't be your bubble. Or am I wrong? Who the jeff knows
But she lives alone as the only adult in the home.
Lookslikerainted · 21/12/2020 11:19

He’s just not that into you.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/12/2020 11:23

Can't believe no-one has suggested the obvious answer: he and his mum come and stay with you Christmas Eve.

PeppermintSoda · 21/12/2020 11:26

I couldn't be doing with getting back with someone who was firmly wedded to mummy's apron strings.

Chloemol · 21/12/2020 11:31

How can he be in your bubble if he lives with his mother? That’s his household, him and his mother. Therefore if you, as a single adult bubble with him you are bubbling with the household, ie him and his mother.

As a separated family the kids are allowed to see him

Soon fact as your are bubbled with his household he and his mother can come to you, even in T4 or you go to him

However he doesn’t really seem very committed to you does he? If he prefers to stay and live at his mother’s leave him to it, you spend it with your kids and have a good reflection on the relationship, he’s not putting you or his children first

Sweettea1 · 21/12/2020 11:41

He lives with mum so therefore he is tier4 an should not be coming to a teir3 household. Plus he seems right to not want his mother to be alone on Christmas yes its a crap situation but he will still see his children just not first thing.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2020 11:49

The mother can't go to her sister's, its against the law (and dangerous unless they have both been vaccinated).

And btw he doesn't sound like a supportive partner so I would question why you are bothering to get back together at all.

MaskingForIt · 21/12/2020 12:04

If he came for a Christmas Eve he might have to help prepare food or buy and wrap presents.

It is far easier for him to stay with his mummy and just turn up on the day to an already-cooked dinner and already-wrapped presents. Once he’s eaten the dinner the OP cooked he’ll probably say he “forgot” to buy the OP a present.

vanillandhoney · 21/12/2020 12:21

How can he be in your bubble if he lives with his mother? That’s his household, him and his mother.

He can bubble with OP because OP is a single adult. The fact that he lives with his mother is irrelevant. You don't necessarily have live alone form a bubble with another household.

As long as one household consists of a single adult, you can bubble up.

VinylDetective · 21/12/2020 12:24

He shouldn’t be going anywhere from Tier 4. He needs to stay at home.

BarkHoneyBark · 21/12/2020 12:26

@CanofCant

Heisherlobster

" TBH tiers aside you’re clearly trying to make a partnership work where only you sound committed. His lower petrol costs and shorter drive is keeping him away from his parter and children? He’s not fussed about waking up with you all on Christmas Day and using the pandemic as an excuse? Think you have bigger problems then tier movement. SorryFlowers "

This is pretty much what I came on to say.

This I think....
vanillandhoney · 21/12/2020 12:28

@VinylDetective

He shouldn’t be going anywhere from Tier 4. He needs to stay at home.
That's not the case. If he's in a bubble with OP, he can travel to her.

www.gov.uk/guidance/tier-4-stay-at-home

Under the "Support and Childcare" heading.

You are permitted to leave your home to visit your support bubble (and to stay overnight with them).

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 12:34

@donquixotedelamancha

Can't believe no-one has suggested the obvious answer: he and his mum come and stay with you Christmas Eve.
@donquixotedelamancha

I didn’t think of that Blush but you are correct that is the ideal solution. OP is in a bubble with his household not just him so the three of them can spend Christmas together without breaking any rules and also an elderly woman is not left on her own on Christmas Day.

1FootInTheRave · 21/12/2020 13:15

Imo he just isn't that arsed about you.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/12/2020 13:31

He’s just not that into you.

Yes, that's the only reason someone wouldn't leave their mum alone over Christmas for two days.

Lightsontbut · 21/12/2020 13:53

I think he is in your bubble as you are a single parent, is that right? Can the mother not also come to yours on Xmas day as I think the rules prevent her going to her daughters.

onlythepianoplayer · 21/12/2020 14:00

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4

You don't get to decide where someone else goes anyway , nothing to do with the rules. The cheek of you!!

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