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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not spending xmas eve with us

120 replies

Somebodyimportant1 · 21/12/2020 08:42

Ok, I know I am most probably being reasonable in thinking this is not right but want to see what others make of it.

So partner just got back after breaking up for 2 years. He is still not living with us fulltime (still mostly at his mothers because he said it's closer to work and saves him money on petrol 🙄)

Because London is now in tier 4, he is saying he will have to spend xmas eve with his mother and come to use (myself & 2 kids) on xmas day. now knowing his mother is very manipulative she wouldn't want him to leave her to come to us as she hates me, I doubt he be with us on time on xmas day till late.

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4.

I told him his kids are more important & should be his 1st priority and nothing else.

AIBU to say his mum should just go ahead to his sister for him to come down xmas with his family?

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 21/12/2020 14:41

So much misinformation on here.

Support bubbles remain the same even in tier 4, OP is a single parent (regardless whose the kids are) and can bubble with another household in any tier. OP can bubble with her DP and his mum. It does mean DP and his mum are unable to mix with anyone else though. His mum cannot bubble with anyone else.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 14:52

@PugInTheHouse

So much misinformation on here.

Support bubbles remain the same even in tier 4, OP is a single parent (regardless whose the kids are) and can bubble with another household in any tier. OP can bubble with her DP and his mum. It does mean DP and his mum are unable to mix with anyone else though. His mum cannot bubble with anyone else.

Wonder if anyone actually asked his mum what she thought about bubbles?
Cocomarine · 21/12/2020 14:57

Forget COVID and bubbles.

You’re supposedly back together, yet he’d rather have the child (and partner) free life living with his mum - which even you yourself give the 🙄 to, to “save money”.

Why would you want a man who chooses not to live with children, to be part of Xmas Day?

You made the right decision 2 years ago - I’d re-make.

(no doubt you’re the mug cooking turkey for him too)

ShatnersWig · 21/12/2020 15:21

Most obvious thing on this thread is how many people have no idea about the bubbles actually work. Which is pretty bloody ridiculous by now.

onlythepianoplayer · 21/12/2020 15:24

Most obvious thing on this thread is how many people have no idea about the bubbles actually work. Which is pretty bloody ridiculous by now

Depends if its something you need to know

Fluffybutter · 21/12/2020 15:29

He sounds like a right catch .

ShatnersWig · 21/12/2020 15:29

onlythepianoplayer If you don't need to know, then there's a high chance you don't actually know, and therefore should probably not throw out "you're in tier 4 and therefore no bubbles exist" (or variants of) as if it was a fact. If you do need to know and don't understand it (which may well be true of the OP in this instance) then you're a bloody fool bearing in mind what it's about.

3rdNamechange · 21/12/2020 15:37

@Somebodyimportant1

I am saying to him, since you are in our bubble, spend xmas eve day with your 80+-year-old mother and come spend xmas eve night and xmas day with the kids. AIBU?
Can he be in yours and his Mums bubble ? You're not supposed to move between tiers. I'd be more annoyed he's prioritising his Mum over you and your kids.
VinylDetective · 21/12/2020 15:43

If you do need to know and don't understand it (which may well be true of the OP in this instance) then you're a bloody fool bearing in mind what it's about.

Given that government communications about this are as clear as mud and constantly changing, it’s a miracle anyone understands it.

ShatnersWig · 21/12/2020 15:54

Vinyl I agree their press conferences are diabolical in terms of passing on information. But the Gov website is pretty clear and I imagine everyone on Mumsnet has access to that so if you need to know about what you can and can't do in your tier, it's easy to find out.

MorganKitten · 21/12/2020 15:56

[quote Somebodyimportant1]@Nottherealslimshady he is in our bubble and i am in tier 3[/quote]
He can’t see you then. He is tier 4, and we can’t leave to go to lower tiers even if they were our bubble.

Nowaynothappening · 21/12/2020 15:58

He clearly isn’t serious about making your relationship/family life work if he’s dragging his feet over moving back in because it saves him petrol money...

I find the bubble rules rather confusing especially now they’ve thrown a special tier 4 into the mix. From what I can gather, children can see the other parent though so he should be able to travel to you to see his children.

booboo24 · 21/12/2020 15:59

It is quite simple, and Boris did say in the briefing that support bubbles will remain in place. The website is also very clear. However, all that aside, if his mum is elderly I can quite see why he doesn't want to leave her alone amd he appears to be suggesting a compromise here. You say she hates you, but could she come to yours too, if you're in a bubble with him (& therefore with her by default?)

Original poster
Somebodyimportant1 · 21/12/2020 16:03

@Lightsontbut HELL NO, she can not come to my house for Xmas. She wouldn't even want to because she hates me for no reason and I gave up a long time ago trying. She is the reason we broke up as she wants her son to herself. He is too foolish to see beyond her manipulation. She is a very devilish, diabolical, selfish, controlling person.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 21/12/2020 16:07

He can come to you, as you are in a bubble.

However, that means his mum can't go anywhere other than your house or stay at home on her own. I appreciate you want to see him, but it's not fair that should be at the expense of his mum being alone.

I think either you have her to your house, or you agree only to see him either first thing Christmas Day - so he's there for presents and then goes home to spend the day with his mum, or comes in the evening.

Any of those options is within the rules. What isn't is his mum going to his sisters.

user1466068383 · 21/12/2020 16:07

I don't think your being ridiculous to feel upset. But I do think a lot of it is slightly out of your control - as in Tier 4 there can me no movement between households, apart from with one single/vulnerable person and one household. So legally speaking the plans all sound a bit dodgey.
However we all know people who are 'bending' the rules to see their close family or kids etc. So I guess maybe you need to look at how you feel about doing something like that (I know there'll be lots of judgements both ways).
But it sounds like what you may be upset about is the idea that your partner won't make an exception to spend time with you, which I totally understand - I broke up with the father of my child three years ago because he never put us first. If this is the case then I think you need to really consider if the relationship is right for you. Accept you might have to spend Christmas without him and plan to make it as enjoyable as possible without him, and when things are calmer have a serious talk about how he values you.

Throckmorton · 21/12/2020 16:13

If he's in tier 4, it's a really bad idea to spend any more time with him than the absolute minimum - we're fucked if the new strain spreads

VinylDetective · 21/12/2020 16:14

[quote Somebodyimportant1]@Lightsontbut HELL NO, she can not come to my house for Xmas. She wouldn't even want to because she hates me for no reason and I gave up a long time ago trying. She is the reason we broke up as she wants her son to herself. He is too foolish to see beyond her manipulation. She is a very devilish, diabolical, selfish, controlling person.[/quote]
She’s not the reason your relationship failed, that’s completely ridiculous. Previous pp have hit the nail on the head - he’s just not into you, that’s why you broke up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2020 16:17

YABU to tell or expect her to go anywhere, it’s nothing to do with you where she spends her Christmas Day and she’s also not allowed to go under the new rules.

YABU to try and get back with him because he’s still prioritising his mum and you don’t trust him.

Focus on yourself and the kids. He’s not worth it.

2bazookas · 21/12/2020 16:34

@Hoppinggreen

He can’t go to his Mothers at all can he?
he lives with his mother.
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 21/12/2020 16:38

YABU for getting back together OP. And YABU as if he is in your bubble so is his mum she cannot go to the sisters. They are 1 household.

Original poster
Somebodyimportant1 · 21/12/2020 16:44

@booboo24 she wouldn't come to mine even if I decide to put aside all the bad things she's done aside and cordially invite her. She's done lots of bad things to me and she was caught red-handed and can't face me.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 21/12/2020 16:50

Ah ok, well he's got a difficult choice to make. I think he should do it the other way around personallt, stay with you all Xmas eve and then go to hers Xmas day after dinner, but I guess he has made his decision?

2Rebecca · 21/12/2020 16:54

Agree that the OP as a lone adult (children dont count) can form a bubble with a household of any size. The boyfriend and his mum are the household she has bubbled with. As they are in tier 4 his mum can't go in to anyone else's house except the OP's now. This is a major disadvantage to the mum of her son living with her to save money and being in a bubble with the OP.

TibetanTerrier · 21/12/2020 16:59

@DoTheNextRightThing

He's not supposed to come to you at all, under the tier 4 rules there are no bubbles anymore.
Tier 4 does have support bubbles.
Partner not spending xmas eve with us
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