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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner not spending xmas eve with us

120 replies

Somebodyimportant1 · 21/12/2020 08:42

Ok, I know I am most probably being reasonable in thinking this is not right but want to see what others make of it.

So partner just got back after breaking up for 2 years. He is still not living with us fulltime (still mostly at his mothers because he said it's closer to work and saves him money on petrol 🙄)

Because London is now in tier 4, he is saying he will have to spend xmas eve with his mother and come to use (myself & 2 kids) on xmas day. now knowing his mother is very manipulative she wouldn't want him to leave her to come to us as she hates me, I doubt he be with us on time on xmas day till late.

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4.

I told him his kids are more important & should be his 1st priority and nothing else.

AIBU to say his mum should just go ahead to his sister for him to come down xmas with his family?

OP posts:
BelieveInPeople · 21/12/2020 09:15

And in fairness, at 80+, his christmases with his mum are limited, he has a lifetime of christmases with you and the kids if your reconciliation works out.

Belepheron · 21/12/2020 09:15

I think vanilla is wrong? He can't be your support bubble as he does not live alone. Bubbles are not "I spend time with these people". They are to limit contact. So he lives with his mum. He can't be your bubble. Or am I wrong? Who the jeff knows

CanofCant · 21/12/2020 09:16

YANBU by the way.

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 09:17

If he was already your support bubble then he can come to you on Christmas Day. But he would have to leave his mother on her own at home (assuming there is nobody else living there) as she cannot go anywhere.

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 09:18

@Belepheron

I think vanilla is wrong? He can't be your support bubble as he does not live alone. Bubbles are not "I spend time with these people". They are to limit contact. So he lives with his mum. He can't be your bubble. Or am I wrong? Who the jeff knows
It is the OP who is allowed to bubble as she is an adult living alone. She doesn’t need to bubble with another single adult, the household she bubbles with can be any size.
nosswith · 21/12/2020 09:19

I think he can only come to you if it is part of childcare arrangements, assuming the children are his or he is their stepfather.

DonkeyMcFluff · 21/12/2020 09:28

Hie mum cannot go to his sister, it’s illegal. He can come to you if he’s your support bubble. But I think it’s reasonable for him to spend part of the day with his mum as she would otherwise be alone.

BigFatLiar · 21/12/2020 09:33

It is the OP who is allowed to bubble as she is an adult living alone.

No she isn't, but can still be in his bubble and it does look like travel between tiers is allowed for support.

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2020 09:40

@BigFatLiar

It is the OP who is allowed to bubble as she is an adult living alone.

No she isn't, but can still be in his bubble and it does look like travel between tiers is allowed for support.

Yes she is - she’s a single parent so can form a support bubble with a household of any size.

However that means her partner and his mother is bubbled with her and therefore there should be no further mixing.

buzzandwoodyallday · 21/12/2020 09:41

If he wanted to be with you and your dc on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, then he would be. Nothing would stop him from doing so if he really wanted to. He's just not that interested, is he? Likewise with him not living with you because his mum's is closer to work. He just wants to have his cake and eat it. Part time dad with the benefit of being catered for by his partner and mum. He's having you on op.

BigFatLiar · 21/12/2020 09:44

Yes she is - she’s a single parent so can form a support bubble with a household of any size

PP said she was an adult living alone, which she isn't, she has children. However as a single parent she can still 'bubble'.

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 09:44

@BigFatLiar

It is the OP who is allowed to bubble as she is an adult living alone.

No she isn't, but can still be in his bubble and it does look like travel between tiers is allowed for support.

I think what I said was correct. She has young children and a non live in partner so I have assumed she is not living with another adult, hence she is allowed to form a bubble.

He lives with his mother, so he is not allowed to form his own bubble (although he can be in a bubble with a lone adult).

Peanutbutterblood · 21/12/2020 09:48

Honestly if he wanted to be with you on xmas day he would. Are the children his?sorry if I've missed that incident see it written anywhere

Please dont try and drag him away from his elderly mum. She would be totally alone. You have your children, your day should be fun and all about them

Bluesheep8 · 21/12/2020 10:00

He lives with his mother so he isn't able to form a bubble with you. If he is tier 4 he cant go anywhere

Simple.

2BDIs · 21/12/2020 10:02

@Somebodyimportant1

Ok, I know I am most probably being reasonable in thinking this is not right but want to see what others make of it.

So partner just got back after breaking up for 2 years. He is still not living with us fulltime (still mostly at his mothers because he said it's closer to work and saves him money on petrol 🙄)

Because London is now in tier 4, he is saying he will have to spend xmas eve with his mother and come to use (myself & 2 kids) on xmas day. now knowing his mother is very manipulative she wouldn't want him to leave her to come to us as she hates me, I doubt he be with us on time on xmas day till late.

I told him to tell his mum to go to his sister who is about 10 mins drive from her so that he can come to spend xmas eve and day with his kids but he said his mother would not leave the house but she was initially planning to got to his sister until the rules changed a few days ago to tier 4.

I told him his kids are more important & should be his 1st priority and nothing else.

AIBU to say his mum should just go ahead to his sister for him to come down xmas with his family?

YABU they are in their 4, so no his mother cannot go to his sisters so he can come to you. She has to stay at her house, and no, unless they are his kids, (your post did not give that impression) he cannot travel to yours for Xmas day to see them. Tier 4 do not have an Xmas day exemption. They are in full lockdown. So he is correct and so is his mother that he will not be coming to you.
Palavah · 21/12/2020 10:03

@DoTheNextRightThing

He's not supposed to come to you at all, under the tier 4 rules there are no bubbles anymore.
That's is not quite right Childcare and support bubbles are unaffected by tier 4.

It's the Christmas bubbles that are no longer an option for tier 4.

MRC20 · 21/12/2020 10:07

Sorry OP it sounds like he's not coming because he doesn't want to. If he was serious about giving it another go he'd have moved back home by now. Let him go, you can do better xx

Washimal · 21/12/2020 10:07

He chooses to live apart from his own children in order to save money on petrol, so it should comes as no surprise that he won't put them first at Christmas either. I'm sorry, OP but in your shoes I would see this as further evidence of his lack of commitment.

RightYesButNo · 21/12/2020 10:12

OP, I think you’re letting your frustrations about the entire situation color your feelings about Christmas Day. The fact is, it sounds like he’s not “back.” He’s not returned to the family. He’s living with his mother and putting petrol money over being with his kids (though I would say that’s probably just the excuse for lack of commitment). It sounds as if this lack of commitment is going to turn into letting you down Christmas Day no matter what the plans (he’ll let his mother dictate over his children’s needs; he’ll promise a certain time, the children will get excited, and then he’ll be hours late; something else). If you already fear all this, or rather feel certain it’s going to happen, then whether it’s reasonable or not, your best bet is to make plans to mitigate it. Plan your children’s Christmas not based on having their father show up at any particular time, and try to keep them distracted from playing the waiting game. I’m sorry though, as it really is utter shite for him to leave the children in limbo like that, but I suspect he has form if you’ve been broken up this long.

AndcalloffChristmas · 21/12/2020 10:12

Can people stop staying no bubbles in tier 4? There are still support bubbles for single adults and some others, childcare bubbles etc. You just can’t have Christmas bubbles. You can have a bubble but that makes him part of your household. His mum shouldn’t be off mixing separately with his sister if that’s the case- it joins your households. Also you can’t just change the for Xmas, not without having a ten day period of no bubble in between.

OP, it sounds like he hasn’t checked back in to this relationship and wants his cake and eat it. I would re-evaluate wether this works for you.

RightYesButNo · 21/12/2020 10:15

I’ve completely cross-posted with @Washimal and @MRC20. But good to know we all saw the same.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 10:19

Its nothing to do with support bubbles.

The children can move between households.

His mother can't.

And he doesn't seem to want to be any kind of support to the OP

LaceyBetty · 21/12/2020 10:22

@Bluesheep8

He lives with his mother so he isn't able to form a bubble with you. If he is tier 4 he cant go anywhere

Simple.

Not true. She is a single adult, so can bubble with him and his mum. That's the bubble.
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 21/12/2020 10:23

I though support bubble could only be formed if one on the households was an single adult person household? (not including childcare bubbles).

As he spends a majority of time with his mum then I think it means he is classed as living there and is part of her household so should not be bubbled up with you. He could be in your bubble if he lived alone.

Children can move between separated or non co habiting parents so they can go to him for contact.

As they are all in tier 4 then he should remain with his household/mum for Christmas. If he wants to see his children he can collect them but should not go in your house.

His mum cannot go to his sisters for Christmas for the same reason. His mum should not be in a support bubble with his sister if her adult son lives in her household.

Jangle33 · 21/12/2020 10:23

He’s the kids father. Regardless of tiers he can see them.

But I am struggling to see why you’re with him given all the circumstances you’ve outlined

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