AIBU to ask what advice you'd give if I was your 26yo?

[amelia443567]

I love my Mum and Dad to the ends of the Earth, but when it comes to advice they can be a bit hands off. They like to let us "figure it out ourselves".

I've been lucky that at 26 I've got a degree, have a secure professional role, and have had great experiences e.g. have travelled and worked abroad.

However, I feel there's a big difference between the path I'm on and the people I went to school with. There's a boy in particular who excelled at Oxbridge, and whose career is leading him to become a world leader. I know his professional parents have coached him and given him endless advice to get to that next "level" of achievement. I really want to be that successful, but I feel like I've failed already by not making the right choices of degree and career (because I didn't really understand the options).

In the next year I want to buy, and at 30 I want to be having children. Is this the advice you'd give to your 26 year old? Would you be telling them to retrain in law or medicine?

Who do you want to 'respect' you?
I am someone who has followed my interests, at 26 I was flying high in a media career. I did it because I was really interested in it and I enjoyed it. Not earning as much as my management consultant/accountant mates but dear god I would have found that dull. Some of my peers have gone on to earn really good money in the media (senior executive roles at channel 4 and the like). That didn't appeal and retrained and am now in a fulfilling and interesting role in the NHS that pays ok at my level.
Throughout I have never given a shiny shit about what others thought of me. I never sought power status or wealth. I have had and will have influence through my role but not so much external recognition or big salary perks. If you want power and money what do you want to do with it? Do you have a vision, values (stop climate change, or change the legal system, or influence economic models....). If you just want it to make yourself feel good about yourself then my advice would be find yourself a good therapist. Feeling good about yourself and having high self esteem (without constantly having to outwardly prove it) is the most solid gold gift I could give anyone your age.

@Ginfilledcats

Honestly, I'm only 4 years older than you. I did an arts degree am completely and totally unrelated to the career I presumed I'd fall into (and have done).

What bothers me about your post, is that you say you're 26 and no and are successful, don't find your work a challenge, and haven't met your potential- you're clearly bright and interested in progressing... why do you need your parents, Mumsnet or anyone (how experienced/qualified are careers councillors?) to give you advice on what to do?

I think had my parents said to me at 18 "why on earth are you studying ancient languages" (which I chose) "that leads to no jobs...except teaching those languages", I'd have just shrugged and ignored her as I found Latin and Greek so interesting I studied it anyway.

You're clearly intelligent- but you come across as potentially lazy - wanting someone to give you the answer to a quick fix to be super successful. The internet can help, talking to people- your friends, managers, peers, customers about their perceived skills of yours or you failings. Research, find what you need to work on to get where you need to be to feel satisfied, learn, take risks and try.

My husband is huuugely ambitious and is always after the next job. He's doing well thankfully but he's a self starter and makes it happen. Has a 5 and 10 year plan and is always seeking opportunities within and outside of work to develop. I'm not ambitious really now, I've got to the level I wanted to get to before having kids, have my forever home and a snoozing baby on my lap. I'm SO lucky, I recognise that, but it was from a lot of hard work, risks, putting myself out there, research and just doing!

All the best to you, hope you do succeed how you want to!

Oh my husband was a lawyer and now we both work in the nhs and neither would recommend law or medicine as a career to our children lol.

I come across as potentially lazy for asking for advice on the Internet? I feel like that's quite unfair.

If the people in your day-to-day life aren't able to give advice, what else are you meant to do? Just for context, I didn't even know something like a Masters degree was possible. It was never discussed at home. That's something I've been driven to do.

@Ginfilledcats

Honestly, I'm only 4 years older than you. I did an arts degree am completely and totally unrelated to the career I presumed I'd fall into (and have done).

What bothers me about your post, is that you say you're 26 and no and are successful, don't find your work a challenge, and haven't met your potential- you're clearly bright and interested in progressing... why do you need your parents, Mumsnet or anyone (how experienced/qualified are careers councillors?) to give you advice on what to do?

I think had my parents said to me at 18 "why on earth are you studying ancient languages" (which I chose) "that leads to no jobs...except teaching those languages", I'd have just shrugged and ignored her as I found Latin and Greek so interesting I studied it anyway.

You're clearly intelligent- but you come across as potentially lazy - wanting someone to give you the answer to a quick fix to be super successful. The internet can help, talking to people- your friends, managers, peers, customers about their perceived skills of yours or you failings. Research, find what you need to work on to get where you need to be to feel satisfied, learn, take risks and try.

My husband is huuugely ambitious and is always after the next job. He's doing well thankfully but he's a self starter and makes it happen. Has a 5 and 10 year plan and is always seeking opportunities within and outside of work to develop. I'm not ambitious really now, I've got to the level I wanted to get to before having kids, have my forever home and a snoozing baby on my lap. I'm SO lucky, I recognise that, but it was from a lot of hard work, risks, putting myself out there, research and just doing!

All the best to you, hope you do succeed how you want to!

Oh my husband was a lawyer and now we both work in the nhs and neither would recommend law or medicine as a career to our children lol.

I just want to see the full picture and understand the options. Obviously my decisions are down to me.

My parents are working class - think bin man and cater...they always pushed me to do better than they have.
If you're happy in your job, that's half the battle! There is no point retraining at a high financial cost if you are going to be miserable. If your current role has prospects, stick with it. Grass isn't always greener - believe me!

Try not to put time limits on things and go with it :-)

If you're feeling insecure that you're not a high flyer, why not retrain and do law or something?

OP why are you ignoring all the the structural reasons why you're not a 'high flyer'. Most high flyers go to private schools and have wealthy, well connected parents. A few manage to transcend their origins with a fair wind but if it was as easy as 'advice' or 'hard work' then there would be no need for nepotism or private schools. I actually am glad I've not slogged my working class self for some corporate entity full of suits. I'm not sure why you are so fixated on doing so, when you show no real passion other than an a desire for an abstract sense of success based on external perceptions.

@Namechange2020lalala

OP why are you ignoring all the the structural reasons why you're not a 'high flyer'. Most high flyers go to private schools and have wealthy, well connected parents. A few manage to transcend their origins with a fair wind but if it was as easy as 'advice' or 'hard work' then there would be no need for nepotism or private schools. I actually am glad I've not slogged my working class self for some corporate entity full of suits. I'm not sure why you are so fixated on doing so, when you show no real passion other than an a desire for an abstract sense of success based on external perceptions.

Just because I haven't discussed my passions doesn't mean I don't have any. I just feel like a waste of potential when I have capacity.

OP, it’s difficult to give anything other than broad brush advice although I can see where you’re coming from as something similar happened to me when I was younger although I didn’t take my parents advice where it was available. I think PPs are right to advise that you need to define what success looks like to you, and whether you can achieve this in your chosen field. Only then will you know if you need to retrain etc. Beyond that, don’t underestimate how much ‘extra’ can be added to your CV/ experience/knowledge through additional/alternative/complementary study. A coach or mentor may well be able to help with these aspects.

Your own personal drive and ambition is clear and this is what will make all the difference.

@BreakfastClub80

OP, it’s difficult to give anything other than broad brush advice although I can see where you’re coming from as something similar happened to me when I was younger although I didn’t take my parents advice where it was available. I think PPs are right to advise that you need to define what success looks like to you, and whether you can achieve this in your chosen field. Only then will you know if you need to retrain etc. Beyond that, don’t underestimate how much ‘extra’ can be added to your CV/ experience/knowledge through additional/alternative/complementary study. A coach or mentor may well be able to help with these aspects.

Your own personal drive and ambition is clear and this is what will make all the difference.

Thank you.

I completely agree.

I think I was expecting people to say surprising things like "Start a business early", as opposed to looking for tailored advice.

How is this your parent's responsibility? If you don't feel you're fulfilling your potential at 26 then crack on and sort that out. Don't blame your parents for not coaching you into being a 'world leader'. Where's the personal responsibility and drive FFS?

Just because I haven't discussed my passions doesn't mean I don't have any. I just feel like a waste of potential when I have capacity.

So stop sitting around blaming your parents for not pushing you to become an astrophysicist, and do something.

It is your potential, your capacity and your choice to waste it or not. At 17, you were absolutely old enough to understand that some careers are more lucrative than others, and you chose a path that appealed to you.

OP I feel like I can relate to you, I'm 28. However I think our circumstances are different. Without being braggy I was a really bright kid, got A*s in every exam, had loads of potential. I had no guidance from my parents as I'm from a very working class background, noone in my extended family had been to Uni. My parents were proud but disinterested, even now they couldn't name the degree I did. The course I did at uni was a bit of a waste, like you I went for something I liked rather than thought about careers.

I found a job that pays ok money and I enjoy, but importantly it has a lot of other benefits like good annual leave, pension and working hours. I met my now husband when I was young, we bought our first house at 23, got married at 25 and now at 28 I'm due our first child in a few months. I've thought many times about retraining now I'm older and 'wiser', but for me I prioritised the house/marriage/babies part of my life and I think it would have been impossible for me to do that whilst retraining. Maybe in the future it will be something I go back to, but the job I have now has a lot of great benefits to family life and I enjoy it so Im in no rush.

Having a successful life isn't all about a high flying career, I get the jealousy and the 'wasted potential' feeling, but there can definitely be benefits to having a less demanding job!

I don't know why you feel your parents should have been more hands on with your career, maybe they didn't have the capacity to be?

Mine left school at 15 and 16, they had no idea what an A Level involved, or what a Russell Group university was. I was on my own to figure that stuff out.

There's a boy in particular who excelled at Oxbridge, and whose career is leading him to become a world leader.

A world leader? Seriously?