AIBU to ask what advice you'd give if I was your 26yo?

[amelia443567]

I love my Mum and Dad to the ends of the Earth, but when it comes to advice they can be a bit hands off. They like to let us "figure it out ourselves".

I've been lucky that at 26 I've got a degree, have a secure professional role, and have had great experiences e.g. have travelled and worked abroad.

However, I feel there's a big difference between the path I'm on and the people I went to school with. There's a boy in particular who excelled at Oxbridge, and whose career is leading him to become a world leader. I know his professional parents have coached him and given him endless advice to get to that next "level" of achievement. I really want to be that successful, but I feel like I've failed already by not making the right choices of degree and career (because I didn't really understand the options).

In the next year I want to buy, and at 30 I want to be having children. Is this the advice you'd give to your 26 year old? Would you be telling them to retrain in law or medicine?

Choose a good man, have kids young, don't give up your job.

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you didn't know what your peers did for a living, would you still be dissatisfied with your own life?

I don't know if I would plan ages to be married, have children, and so on - it can be good to have an idea of your long term plans, but by saying you want to do X by 30, you could end up compromising on something just to meet your deadline, and then regretting it if a year later, something better comes along but you are already committed.

Life is too short to spend a third of your waking hours in a job you aren't interested in. If you like your current job, why not try progression in that field? If you had a burning ambition to be a doctor, you wouldn't be asking the question. You would be making it happen by retraining. The fact you are querying it sounds like you don't really want to but think you ought to change your life. Only do it for yourself, not for others' perceptions of you. You're a long time dead.

All I've ever told my children is that I wish for them happiness, your job doesn't define your worth the way you live your life and treat other people does.

Find the thing you love doing (and that you do well) and do it. Work hard, study (if that's your thing) and develop a strong career early on but stay flexible as you never know what opportunities may come along. The money will follow. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take the next step - You won't know if you can do it until you try.

Buy a property when you can, don't over commit yourself but live within your means. Don't try to keep up with others (particularly in cars and fashion) as it will keep you poor. Remember, rich people save money - they don't spend it.

Find that special relationship but retain your identity and independence. If you have children maintain your career as it is your insurance for the future and you will be a positive role model for them.

On a practical level, it's never too soon to contribute to a pension. And it's worth learning a bit about saving and investing. Those years pass quickly and you will be glad you did.

And last, but not least, cultivate friendships, hobbies and interests. Work isn't everything and having breadth is important for the present and future. Good luck.

Now I sound like Baz Luhrmann!

I wonder what the person who’s parents have been coaching him actually thinks of his position? Is he doing it just because he’s trying to please his parents? You can’t really win as parents tbh.

Ultimately if you were my child, I’d just want you to be happy and trying hard at something you enjoy. I think you are lucky if you have a job in a field that encompasses this. As you get older, you start to realise that life balance is quite important and I know people with very sensible jobs who have always longed to do something more creative.

Don’t expect life to be a perfect path, life isn’t tidy. Be a bit looser with your time lines. This way you won’t be worried about getting those things by a specific age which in itself is a massive unneeded pressure.

@Fairyliz

One day all this shit won’t matter, the impressive career the big house the fancy car. What does matter is people, having good relationships and enjoying your life. As they say no one ever said on the deathbed I wish I’d spent more time in the office.

See, I think that’s ridiculous. If you find meaningful work that you love, it’s not a matter of clock-watching in an office from 9 till 5. I would continue to do what I do if I won millions in the morning. It’s a huge and important part of my life, regardless of my marriage, child and friendships.

OP, I agree with a pp that you’re having a quarter-life crisis, which isn’t uncommon for people a few years out of university — but you sound as if you’re casting round arbitrarily for ‘prestige’ careers and having children at 30, as if there’s some kind of fixed timetable and set of markers of success. Do you have the slightest interest in law or medicine, or do you just think these are prestigious? Is having a child something you very much want, or only because you think you’re supposed to? Enough to have a child alone, or do you need to acquire a partner too? If you are serious about doing a medical degree and subsequent training, for instance, I really wouldn’t recommend having a baby in four years.

What I’m saying is make sure you really want the things you think you’re supposed to want, and enough with the parental recriminations — my parents were only semi-literate throughout my childhood and were strongly against me even going to university! I absolutely love them, but they left school at 12 and know nothing about HE or my job now, and their ‘advice’ was pretty much ‘Oh, that’s not for the likes of us!’

Dh and I are lawyers and we are trying to give careers advice to a 17 year old dd who is in no shape or form likely to become a lawyer, nor would we advise anyone to but that is a different story.

Both of us are considered pretty successful amongst our wide university peers. We see what money buys and how your chosen career can determine how soon and what ceiling your earnings peak at. This in turn dictates where you live, the size of the house, the car you drive and the schools your dc go to.

I would say look at the people who are successful in your field and how long it took them to get there and how much they earn. In all likelihood, you will not have the same opportunities as they did. For example, if you are in publishing, it is not a growing industry, quite the opposite.

If you want to be successful in traditional terms, you are at the perfect age to take a risk. I would research what are the fast growing fields out there that are crying out for skills and people and do a course or find a job (even at a lower pay) to get into that industry and work your way up.

It may be not glamorous - the most glamorous jobs do not tend to pay well because so many people are prepared to do it for next to nothing - but keep at it. You will get there

Being ambitious is truly half or not most of the battle won. Then keep reinventing yourself and upskilling and go for more responsibility and senior positions. If you don't get the promotion you deserve, jump ship. Go for higher pay or go for lower pay if it means you get valuable experience. The great thing is at your age, you threaten no one in middle management and are not over-qualified. You don't have dependents or high expenses. Therefore, you can get the job, get into the fastest growing field you can find that makes use of your personality, skillsets and strengths. This could be technical, management, influencing people, or sales.

Seek out people and ask for their experience. To guide my dd, I go on mn and search out old threads or start new ones for careers advice. Good luck!

I haven’t read all the advice but don't retrain in something you don’t have a calling. I did. I even got the PhD to prove it. Money was incredible. I saved a lot but at 40’s, I hated myself for doing a job I hated so much. I retrained and got another degree and career.

The advice I have all my children was to go into a profession or job you will really like because you will most likely be working until you are 70 - 72 before you can retire. Doing a job you hate for that long would be sole destroying. Yes to own home. Yes to babies but don't be in a rush. They are adorable but also exhausting and limit what you can do. Don't judge yourself by others. The most important thing is to be happy with yourself and what you can do and achieve.

Ye gods, woman, stop comparing yourself to other people - it is utterly pointless. Like me at that age, you sound like someone who went to a ridiculous pressured private school where they make you feel like a failure for being anything less than a “high-flier” (whatever that means) and you’re struggling to shake off that conditioning and sense of inadequacy. We can’t all be world leaders, FFS!
My advice?

• Choose a career that aligns with your values - it will make you FAR happier than money.
• Have children sooner rather than later if you’re in a position to do so - you don’t have to own a house first, etc. Fertility won’t always wait.
• Choose a partner who treats you with kindness and makes you laugh.
• Expect things not to work out exactly how you plan them.
• Think about how you treat the planet (this needs to be a priority for everyone, and I wish I’d been more conscious of it in my 20s instead of indulging in air travel, fast fashion, etc)

I get where you're coming from OP. DH and I were discussing the other night about how our parents didn't really offer advice or encouragement and how we'll strive to do that for our own DC.

My first piece of advice for you would be... if you have a "fun career" then don't have a "fun time" with your earnings. Be strict and set goals and the rest will follow.

Personally, I budgeted that 40% of my salary would be savings which required a lot of self control and a fair bit of sacrifice (share house, in a single room, cheap phone contract etc). I'm reaping the rewards of that choice now though, and it's actually second nature to not be frivolous with money.

Hi,

I'm 25, my parents were a SAHM and an electrician. I went to a bad comp school. I have a BA and MA from a top 10 Uni. I have worked at two top National papers. No helping hands.

Just saying

I basically took working for fuck all, crying in the toilets, moving 300 miles from my parents...

@CorianderQueen

I basically took working for fuck all, crying in the toilets, moving 300 miles from my parents...

I'm really not fishing for sympathy or blaming my parents (as I've said, I love my work!), just looking for honest advice about where to go from here!

I left law after 10+ years just before I turned 30. In that time I got barely anywhere. The issue was I simply wasn't driven enough and good enough. It made me miserable. I think I almost had a breakdown at 23/24 and left the country to help heal myself and then counseling. My parents just wanted me to be happy. It took one awful job where I wished I would be fired everyday to say enough was enough. I work in a higher paid less skilled job now doing long days and shifts. I'm working Christmas and NY but I love it. I had my baby last year and I'm not stressed by work, I can afford my mortgage still and childcare. I am happy with this. When you have children everything is more difficult, mum guilt is awful and I think if you're happy at work at least it will counter some of that guilt for going to work and leaving your baby in nursery.

Sorry for the mini life story but I hope it helps even just a teeny bit.

I'll keep it simple:

Get a career coach - find out what you REALLY want to be doing

Be savvy with your money - don't piss it up the wall, save, get/top up your pension, think v carefully about property ownership. Owning is the holy grail, but very tying and with unexpected bills (flooding, new roof, new boiler etc). Buy to let isnt as great as it was... prepare for parenthood if that's what you want.

I went to an independent school with lots of people who were coached and are now very outwardly successful. It took me a long time to be okay with that, the school I went to instilled that grades at B or below were not really good enough so I've spent a lot of my adult life thinking I need to achieve the next thing. I now work for a charity I really care about. My annual salary is less than my parents spent on school fees, but I am so much happier doing something fulfilling that I love than I was chasing something I thought I should want.

Well, if you love your job that’s a difficult thing to achieve in itself. If your friend has had his arse wiped constantly by his parents and they’ve got contacts to get him a top job, he hasn’t exactly earned the merit in his own has he?
I never had advice from my parents. I was just told to do what I wanted.
You’ve got a job you love, not a lot of people can say that.

Op you are having a wobble and that's because , as pp have said, the mid-twenties are a time when things start getting serious and you start making big "real" decisions about your future.

If you were my daughter I would say "breathe" - life is a marathon not a sprint - and although it's possible and advisable to give yourself the best possible opportunities in life by holding yourself to high standards whatever is happening around you, by working hard, studying further (doing that Masters?), being committed, serious, reliable, professional in the work place - life will usually take you in unexpected directions or will throw up opportunities you hadn't anticipated , so it's not always possible to plan but more put yourself in to a position where you are (a) actively aware of an opportunity when it arises - sounds a bit mad but they are not always easy to spot as such and (b) in a position to take full advantage. And don't rule out the opportunity of creating your own chances either.

Don't compare yourself to others though; plough your own furrow.

Also, career progression is different for everyone. Some start out with a blast and then fizzle out. Others build gradually over time. Others start steadily and then take a sharp turn in another direction and take off. You are young and have time. Don't panic.

If you like the area you are working in currently and you think it has a future, then stick with it. If you think you will want or need more financial security then you might need to take a U-turn or will doing that Masters give you better opportunities? I think you need to look for a mentor and do some proper research so you can plan your next step armed with good information.

Ultimately though, if you use basic common sense, most major steps in life have pros and cons, there usually isn't a right or a wrong decision, just the ability to work hard, be proactive, and take advantage of an opportunity when you see it.

@amelia443567

Thanks everyone. I am really happy and love what I do, but I guess the issue is I don't feel I'm hitting my potential, and will always regret that

Then change what you do? You can't blame your parents for not telling you to do something you didn't want to do

I tell my children to work as hard as they can to keep their options open but that when it comes to life choices they should focus on what will be best for them, not comparing themselves to others.

Then I help them think things through for themselves.

I’d vote for finding something you enjoy enough, you already have it. So can you progress some how? Is there a sideways move that offers more progression? Can you set up your own consultancy? Is it future proof? Can you do a course or masters to branch out? Being an expert is valued in western society so deepen and broaden your knowledge in that specific field.

What do you want life to look like when you have kids? How many kids and what age gap? This factors on finance but also energy. Kids are exhausting, mostly as babies but it’s still a lot of work once in school. They still need you, you still have to organise homework/food/trips/uniform etc. It’s relentless. They are not a mini you. You won’t “get” them automatically. They are very needy, emotionally and physically.

Don’t have kids with a man who won’t do half the work, every aspect of the work including the admin and counselling the kids. So don’t rush into it just because you have a deadline of 30. 30 is very young in some places. In London the average age was 35 when I had my first at 27. They were all richer with better careers and bigger houses. You may also find you want to be home or work part time. This will mess up your career if you are still trying to progress.

And buy a flat or house in the best area you can. Not the bigger home in the less nice area. We fucked this up big time. Both financially and nicer groups and facilities once we had kids.

Can you stay employed and start your own business on the side and see if that takes off? If you leave your job you won't get a mortgage for at least 3 years and you have to have good tax returns for all those three years and proof that things will keep going.

Thanks everyone. This is all hugely helpful.

Inquietant, I just want to clarify I'm not blaming them at all. I'm just explaining I still don't really feel like I have all the necessary information (for instance, you mention talking through options with your children and leaving them to decide. I don't really have access to that sort of guidance, so throwing it out to the wise women of Mumsnet for advice!)

I think the advice to see a careers consultant is a good idea.

'Do what you love and we'll be happy for you' sounds like fantastic advice. I have adult children and I always advise if asked specifically for my opinion but otherwise try to be supportive of their choices. If you feel unfulfilled then change career. If you want children before 30 then go for it. Buying property is always good. There are pros and cons to every decision and your parents will know that.

My advice would be this: to stop comparing yourself to others and defining success in terms of money and power. It's common in your twenties to feel insecure and competitive as you find your feet. However, working long hours and commuting soon lose their novelty. People get burnt out very quickly. If you also want a family, then your priorities will quickly change all over again. Many people who appear to be successful are making enormous sacrifices in terms of time, commuting, lack of sleep, missing out on social events or just not being able to relax. Is that the sort of life that you want to lead for the sake of status? I used to feel a bit like you - an underachiever. Until I stopped to think about success. Success to me now means setting out your goals and achieving them, no matter what those goals are. For me it was making adjustments to allow me to be a sahm and spend more time with the children. So, if you don't fancy working all hours, but instead want a 9-5 and want to be able to come home, have dinner and watch TV all evening and you achieve that, then ultimately you are successful. I am actually one of the most successful people that I know. I have lots of stressed out high flying friends who work all hours (lawyers/drs etc) and whom complain bitterly that they don't get time to spend with their kids or by themselves. They continually tell me how lucky I am (it's not just luck, it's been mostly down to long term planning/house renovations and choosing to live a little further out etc). They could do the same, but seem so caught up in the prestige and money of their positions that they cannot seem to let go. They want it all - to live in an expensive townhouse in the city, a short walk from bars and restaurants and have nice cars/holidays but also have a good work life balance. Unfortunately it doesn't really work like that. You need to stop looking at others and cherry picking their successes without also looking at the downsides. You need to figure out what you actually enjoy doing, what makes you happy and what sacrifices you are prepared to make. For me, getting out of law and into a more family friendly job/lifestyle has been much more rewarding.