AIBU to ask what advice you'd give if I was your 26yo?

[amelia443567]

I love my Mum and Dad to the ends of the Earth, but when it comes to advice they can be a bit hands off. They like to let us "figure it out ourselves".

I've been lucky that at 26 I've got a degree, have a secure professional role, and have had great experiences e.g. have travelled and worked abroad.

However, I feel there's a big difference between the path I'm on and the people I went to school with. There's a boy in particular who excelled at Oxbridge, and whose career is leading him to become a world leader. I know his professional parents have coached him and given him endless advice to get to that next "level" of achievement. I really want to be that successful, but I feel like I've failed already by not making the right choices of degree and career (because I didn't really understand the options).

In the next year I want to buy, and at 30 I want to be having children. Is this the advice you'd give to your 26 year old? Would you be telling them to retrain in law or medicine?

There are so many posts on here about interfering parents and inlaws that there is something to be said for your parents approach.

My own parents had never been to FE or university and whilst they were incredibly proud and supportive they just were not really equipped to help me in my decision making except to listen, it just wasn't their world.

I now look for that mentoring and guidance wherever i see someone i admire. For some people it isn't your parents. I am still in touch with many ex bosses. My MIL was an incredible mentor etc.

I agree with PP that 26-30 is a bit of a phase transitioning from starting out to OMG i should now be XYZ. And that is bringing a lot of pressure and comparison. Enjoying what you do is of enormous value. Only do the masters if you want to do it, it is a massive commitment of money and time and it won't be transactional and automatically open up now options and lead to higher pay. I did one about your age and found it didnt help the way i wanted it too in the current role, but helped applying for jobs 3 plus years later and still looks good on my cv and is helpful now. It also helped my confidence and improved my thinking-but this probably frustrated me more short term.

You will be working for at least the next 40 years and have only been going 5 already. You have ages to figure things out.

Don't push yourself to follow a linear path. Be proud of your achievements. Buying a house in your twenties would be a great one. Dont put times on having children etc. If you have them early but continue to compare yourself you will perceive everyone leapfrog you and it will steal your joy. You would 'catch up' in yours 30s and 40s but you would need patience and confidence-and to accept its harder with kids in tow.

I think I had almost the opposite of you. My parents discussed careers and told me which I shouldn’t do because I ‘wouldn’t earn enough money’. They never went into further education which I think they really regretted, and actively (very actively) encouraged me to go to university. (I don’t now use my degree in my role)

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the push, and I think it was best thing for me socially to make that jump away from home, but that (and my decisions, I take responsibility too) have left me in a mid level public sector role, which is incredibly high stress.

I always said that looking back I would have preferred someone to tell me ‘do what you love, just be the absolute best you can be at it’. That’s what I’ll be telling my kids, it’s a long time to be doing a role you are ‘meh’ about, however much you get paid/achieve.

You could try a life coach, a good one will practically tell you what steps to take to get to wherever you want to go. They should also be able to tease out what it is you do want and help you achieve it.
The key with this is to find a good life coach so many terrible ones out there

@Arthersleep

My advice would be this: to stop comparing yourself to others and defining success in terms of money and power. It's common in your twenties to feel insecure and competitive as you find your feet. However, working long hours and commuting soon lose their novelty. People get burnt out very quickly. If you also want a family, then your priorities will quickly change all over again. Many people who appear to be successful are making enormous sacrifices in terms of time, commuting, lack of sleep, missing out on social events or just not being able to relax. Is that the sort of life that you want to lead for the sake of status? I used to feel a bit like you - an underachiever. Until I stopped to think about success. Success to me now means setting out your goals and achieving them, no matter what those goals are. For me it was making adjustments to allow me to be a sahm and spend more time with the children. So, if you don't fancy working all hours, but instead want a 9-5 and want to be able to come home, have dinner and watch TV all evening and you achieve that, then ultimately you are successful. I am actually one of the most successful people that I know. I have lots of stressed out high flying friends who work all hours (lawyers/drs etc) and whom complain bitterly that they don't get time to spend with their kids or by themselves. They continually tell me how lucky I am (it's not just luck, it's been mostly down to long term planning/house renovations and choosing to live a little further out etc). They could do the same, but seem so caught up in the prestige and money of their positions that they cannot seem to let go. They want it all - to live in an expensive townhouse in the city, a short walk from bars and restaurants and have nice cars/holidays but also have a good work life balance. Unfortunately it doesn't really work like that. You need to stop looking at others and cherry picking their successes without also looking at the downsides. You need to figure out what you actually enjoy doing, what makes you happy and what sacrifices you are prepared to make. For me, getting out of law and into a more family friendly job/lifestyle has been much more rewarding.

I should explain I don't feel like an underachiever or unsuccessful.

I feel like I work extremely hard (including many nights and weekends) but will never earn as much or be as respected as the "high flyers". I feel like that's down to poor choices, and that's what I want to fix.

I have gleaned a lot of very good advice from MN, there have been excellent threads giving career advice and I have passed that onto my children. Things like:

1. Choose a job that you can like, you don't need to love it, that has good progression potential.

1. It's not enough to work hard, you have to work smart. What qualifications/moves can you make to sidestep and then move up?

1. The world is not your oyster, most careers have a salary ceiling, so when considering careers look at salaries and decide what you would be content with and aim for that.

1. Save as much money as you can when you are young to get on the property ladder ASAP. Children should be taught about savings and investments from a young age to encourage financial literacy and responsibility.

1. A degree for the sake of it isn't always wise. Choose a degree with good career prospects from the outset.

Sorry I’ve not RTFT but if you were me I’d think more about the why? What is it that motivates you? Why do you want a similar trajectory to this guy? Status? Money? Respect? Continuous development?

I’ve done pretty well for myself but am now mid 30s with 2 kids and my aspirations have definitely become more realistic. Every career move is driven by is it the right cultural fit for me as a person? Is the balance of reward/status/growth worth the responsibility/stress/time away from my family

Please don’t compare yourself to others OP, if you are in a position to buy a house on your own, have a secure job that you enjoy & able to fund further qualifications... I feel you are underestimating your achievements.

As you get older you will probably care less about what other people think of you.

Just enjoy being 26. Honestly.

If you want to 'fix' that then you need to move industries. Go into finance and you'll be earning big bucks in no time. It's bell though.

It is your life, so you have to make your own choices

Some suggestions;

If possible do a job that you enjoy

Keep in touch with family & friends

Pay into a private pension

Live within your means

Do not rely on anyone else financially or emotionally

Life has its ups & downs & things don't always go to plan.

Do what you want to do, not what other people want you to do

Be kind

Enjoy some hobbies & interests outside work

Money doesn't equate success or happiness or that you have 'achieved your full potential'. You seem to be fixated on this issue. High flyers can be just as successful as someone on NMW.

I'm in a low-paying industry (arts) but I love it and this is the only thing I've ever wanted to do, it makes me so happy. I might earn more in the future, I might not. I'm training so I can increase my earning potential, but I will never be on 6 figures.

My parents actually tried to steer me in another direction, so I wouldn't end up like them - in low-paying jobs with not much financial stability.

I am also in my 20s, and they're now so happy I'm doing what I wanted. They can see how much satisfaction it gives me, regardless of pay. I'm sure they'd give you the same advice they gave me: whatever you end up doing, aim to do it in the best way you can. And don't compare yourself to others, it won't make any difference.

I would second seeking out a career coach. Do your research and spend that extra money to pay for a good coach. In terms of being a high flyer and successful... You need to get clear as to what that means for you. Do you want to become an ambassador/ policy expert/ politician and travel around the world meeting states of head and setting up discussion on trade/ financial deals etc . Do you want to become a world class surgeon or become a doctor in doctor with borders helping out the people across the globe. Do you want to be in finance such as hedge fund manager or in senior management in tech/ finance or consultant which will give you the high flying lifestyle. There are many different routes to becoming successful and you need to be clear on what defines success for you. Play to your interests and strengths ... It's not fun getting into a career and hating it no matter how lucrative or successful it seems on the paper.

As for marriage and kids. Dont be in rush and dont have arbitrary timelines. If marriage and kids are important to you then be clear with potential partners and don't waste time on people who drag you around. As for buying a house... Dont let a house tie you down. Buy it as an investment but do not let it tie you to a place. You need to be flexible to say yes to opportunities. What if there was a role in Hong Kong or Japan or US ... Always be open and ready for opportunities. Living in different countries with different cultures will broaden your horizons and those experiences and interactions will immeasurable and give you experiences that will be more valuable than any monetary reward. Good luck! You are so young and have a long life ahead of you. I hope you find something you enjoy and have a fun life filled with success, adventures and joy.

I'd been with my husband for 8 years by 26, and I had just had my first child. I've been a sahm since then and had another child.
My advise to myself would have been don't do any of that. I wasn't ready and felt like my own life had been cut short.
I've never been career minded so can't advise on that, but my biggest piece of advise would be to have as much fun as you can, socialising, travelling, new experience. And marry someone rich !

I do a job I absolutely love and which I didn't even know existed until I applied for it - it's a weird hybrid public sector role which I talked my way into with transferable skills from the Jack-of-all-trades small company job I did for most of my 20s. So if you want to move on, my advice is to do what I did: I looked at job adverts from organisations I thought I might like to work for and identified jobs that sounded interesting and used skills I have. It's not particularly high status but I like what I do, it pays enough to live comfortably, and there are options for moving up in the organisation further down the line.

If you want to be a "world leader", what for? If you were chief dictator of the planet Earth what would you change? What I do now contributes in a very small way to something that would be on my dictator to do list, and that's probably why I find it so satisfying.

I had a pretty shitty local job at 26, but I had bought my first house. I got an offer of a job at 29 with a long commute - took it - and now I earn a 6 figure salary, have a large country house and a holiday home. You are still so young. My advice would be grasp and seek out every opportunity you can and definitely try to work for a FTSE 250 because they have good career progression and wages

I'm 31 so only a few years older than you. What I will say is that life changes very quickly, and if someone had told me I'd be doing what I am now when I was your age, I wouldn't have believed them.

You can make plans but life has a very funny way of changing them. I was doing a PhD at your age. Now I run my own creative business, I'm married, and expecting my first. Didn't think I'd ever be able to buy but my husband inherited a house.

Make a loose plan, better yourself as much as you can, have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously. That's all I'd say.

1. It’s not about the destination it’s about the journey. Build strong lasting relationships, work on your own happiness and mental health so that when you do succeed, it’s built on firm foundations.
2. How much pressure can you take/ do you want in your life? Be realistic about the pressure that you will face when you do succeed and the expectations on you.
3. Keep an idea book with ideas for businesses/sidelines/alternative careers. It’s sounds as if you are in a career based around writing/images- there are lots of ways to branch out- by writing books, establishing your own brand or magazine etc. If you are semi serious about starting a business, spend some of your time learning the nuts and bolts of running a business.
4. Buying is wise and gives you security- you can always rent it out if the worst comes to the worst.
5. You can never know what kids will do to your life- the exhaustion, disrupted schedule, constant days off etc
6. You didn’t mention relationships- are you in one? They are hard work as is everything worth doing. I worry that you are thinking too much about ticking off your check list and not enjoying every minute and valuing the lessons that are brought to you.

Forgot to say, I know a vast amount of people rich and poor and very often I will see people on 80 hour weeks and the only difference is that they have a slightly bigger house and a holiday each year. Never underestimate how much long days in a stressful job will affect you as the years go by.

@amelia443567

Thanks everyone. I am really happy and love what I do, but I guess the issue is I don't feel I'm hitting my potential, and will always regret that

It's not your parents' job to realise your potential for you. It's your job and the sooner you realise that and do it for yourself, as they have told you to do, the sooner you'll be on the path to doing so.

I wouldn’t retrain as a doctor/lawyer to be more respected. I would focus on why you feel as though you are less valued for your job role. How can you feel better about it? Would you like to help people? Could you volunteer for a charity alongside your work? Would you like to work towards a promotion to get higher in your field?

Ultimately, you have to be happy with your choices, but I would not retrain in another field for other people’s benefit. Going through LinkedIn and seeing what everyone from school is doing is a terrible way to spend half an hour! You see that everyone is a manager of this or an owner of a new startup company. You see the job titles but you have no idea what it would be like to work for some of these companies. I try and feel happy for others instead of comparing myself. They could be looking at you and wishing they were in your position! They might think their job is incredibly dull and yours sounds fun!

My advice to you would be to enjoy life, be happy, stop comparing yourself to others and stop using money as the only measure of success.

You sound very successful to me.

I totally agree that comparison is the thief of happiness.

Also, be careful what you wish for.

You say you want a job which pays better and holds more kudos. That job may not make you happy. It may also not be as secure as you would think.

Also it may enable you to buy a house, but may not fit with raising a child/children.

See a careers advisor ASAP!

Honestly, I'm only 4 years older than you. I did an arts degree am completely and totally unrelated to the career I presumed I'd fall into (and have done).

What bothers me about your post, is that you say you're 26 and no and are successful, don't find your work a challenge, and haven't met your potential- you're clearly bright and interested in progressing... why do you need your parents, Mumsnet or anyone (how experienced/qualified are careers councillors?) to give you advice on what to do?

I think had my parents said to me at 18 "why on earth are you studying ancient languages" (which I chose) "that leads to no jobs...except teaching those languages", I'd have just shrugged and ignored her as I found Latin and Greek so interesting I studied it anyway.

You're clearly intelligent- but you come across as potentially lazy - wanting someone to give you the answer to a quick fix to be super successful. The internet can help, talking to people- your friends, managers, peers, customers about their perceived skills of yours or you failings. Research, find what you need to work on to get where you need to be to feel satisfied, learn, take risks and try.

My husband is huuugely ambitious and is always after the next job. He's doing well thankfully but he's a self starter and makes it happen. Has a 5 and 10 year plan and is always seeking opportunities within and outside of work to develop. I'm not ambitious really now, I've got to the level I wanted to get to before having kids, have my forever home and a snoozing baby on my lap. I'm SO lucky, I recognise that, but it was from a lot of hard work, risks, putting myself out there, research and just doing!

All the best to you, hope you do succeed how you want to!

Oh my husband was a lawyer and now we both work in the nhs and neither would recommend law or medicine as a career to our children lol.

Law and medicine are not the only well-paid careers, nor the only prestigious ones.

You may not need to entirely retrain, but could instead perhaps use the skills you have to make a side move and then some adjacent moves into e.g. the City/financial services? Have seen tons of people come from non-traditional background and change careers into the City and are now on good money.

If it is money you want, then retrain in something which can pay incredibly well. If it pays so well then the cost of another degree is fine. I taught someone who wanted to earn big so he worked super hard at school and did a Law degree at a Russell Group uni. He plans to focus 100% on his career and then then retire at 40. He currently works for one of the top law firms in the country.

The other thing to do is say yes to everything which comes your way. Any request, offers, invitations or whatever always say yes. This will open doors for you.

As for getting on the property ladder - definitely do it sooner than later.