We aren’t doing Christmas Presents this year...

[DBML]

We always do Christmas presents...though personally I couldn’t care less whether we did them or not, but historically we always have.

Today, I get a group text message that MIL is not doing presents and then BIL adds that he isn’t either.

Now, it’s not a huge deal and I understand...but am I being unreasonable thinking that they could have mentioned this a little earlier?

I completed my shopping weeks ago...bought all their gifts and the children’s gifts, which granted could probably mostly go back, but they are all here, wrapped and ready to be delivered in gift bags, with selection boxes and bottles of wine as the normal extras.

AIBU for being ever so slightly pissed off?

I will be letting it go, I’m certainly not going to complain, but felt like I needed a little vent.

15 is a funny age. I think I would have really noticed the injustice of it at that age but wouldn't have felt able to say anything because I would have been trying to be grown up and well behaved.

That’s a good point WeeDangerousSpike.
DS is very fortunate though and won’t go without. Also, we had only planned to deliver presents to MIL this year, outside meeting only, so the chances are DS probably won’t notice much anyway.

That’s the thing though, the present drop off was actually planned lol!

A week before?

I'd probably text back 'Sure, that's fine, in future could we decide this a little earlier as given that Xmas is only five days away I've already bought everything. It's quite inconsiderate.'

Then return or store until next year.

I suggested "no presents" back when the November lockdown was announced. I couldn't face trying to go shopping in December just before Christmas (I still need to buy some presents), and online shopping doens't work well for us as there's no-one home during the day as we're key workers. As grown adults I just don't see the need for presents for adults. All the adults have jobs or are well off pensioners and can buy themselves anything they need or fancy.

Plus we won't be having any family get togethers to do a present swap. It all just seems a reminder that things aren't normal, and brings added stress at what has been a very stressful year. For me the true meaning of Christmas means that I would rather have spent my money on organisations for people that really ARE having problems at the moment eg food banks etc, not to give someone who already has what they need a 5 minute buzz at opening a parcel of new "stuff".

Sorry, a bit grinch-like perhaps. But my priorities have really changed through COVID.

But to get back to your question, OP, they have told you about this far too late so very unfair. Perhaps, though, they told your DH a while ago and he didn't pass it on (that would be something my DH would do)

I do love how assertive you are Coriander! I think I could be that assertive with my own family, but I find DH’s family more of a ‘struggle’. My mantra is usually ‘keep the peace’.

I would just say i already bought their gifts. It would be really rude of them to refuse them at this point. I wouldn’t get anything back but that’s fine as I do t give to receive...

I think I would wait till after xmas before drinking / eating unwrapping the gifts. Just in case they change their minds.

Quite right Curly and it probably would have been far more sensible to plan for this eventuality myself months ago, knowing what the situation has been like this year.

They definitely didn’t tell DH. It came as a bit of a shock to him and he was very cross with his mum in particular, more so than I was. But I’ve told him that I will deal with it as DH can quite easily fall out with and refuse to speak to his family. I don’t need that now.

@Nottherealslimshady

I'd say "well I've already bought everything since Chrismtas is next week. I'll give the kids theirs and return the adults when I get time. Will make a note for next year though."

Why shouldn't they know they've fucked you about?

This is perfect

Oh and I’d tell DH that from now on he’s responsible for all gift shopping and wrapping as well as all communication about gifts with his family. Why should you get all the hassle?

I don’t think they’ll change their minds as we haven’t really got plans to meet now over Christmas, but no harm in hanging on to returns until after Christmas just incase. I’ll just drop the kids gifts off to MIL and leave it at that.

Sorry crossed posts. Just because DH can’t handle his family doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do the legwork.

Yeah, that's a good point, Mycatis. I stopped sorting presents for the inlaws years ago once I was working FT the same as DH was. I'm not his personal shopper and I've got my side of the family to buy for. He's fine with that. He was a bit crap at choosing stuff/buying in time at first but he's got used to it. Most years I don't even know what he's bought for them.

[quote DBML]@VinylDetective I would if it was my side of the family, but I’m not doing that for the in-laws 😉[/quote]
But you are the one did all the work so it is perfectly reasonable for you to say something. Also it appears that they told you rather than your DH.

Oh I’d love that!
DH would probably buy them all sets of allen keys or tape measures. He only knows his way around B&Q. ‘Here you go kids, have a metal scribe’.
He would do it in fairness though - probably enjoy that!

It is understandable that you are annoyed but look on the bright side - you have been freed from reciprocal gift giving with this side of the family at Christmas forever (if you play your cards right). I think this liberation is worth the inconvenience for this year.

I wouldn’t say anything that might suggest presents will resume next year. In fact I’d want to be very clear they wouldn't. E.g. “Great idea, I agree - let’s stop gifts from this year - I’ll make a donation to a charity instead”.

Regift/foodbank or return and relax looking forward to more peaceful Christmas planning going forward.

Andylion

It was an imessage sent to a number of people at the same time, including both DH and myself.

Winter2020 you are absolutely right. Just beyond the incredulity of being told today, I’m actually quite happy with the situation.

Very rude to do this so late. I would still send the kids stuff though and keep the presents for birthdays?

I’m going to start that sausage casserole, but wanted to thank everyone for letting me vent and for some fab ideas! Feeing much better now.

I would be careful with how you word it. You don't want to get "well as you've bought for us you may as well drop those off with the kids presents". You could use this as a way of stopping all expensive presents now & just send birthday cards with a small token gift, other than special birthdays (18?). Save yourself a lot of time, money & hassle as they seem to have abdicated from all effort towards you.

Rude sods.

I wouldn't send any of them tbh.

They’ve clearly planned to get presents from everyone themselves without having to give any themselves.

They’ve had hundreds spent on their kids over the years and now they’ve pulled this stunt, I would not give them anything.

They have decided to stop gifts so I would return the kids gifts and get your son something with it or but some toys for the children’s hospital toy drive.

It's shameful to wait so late to tell you. Next year, I'd be asking to confirm whether or not we're exchanging gifts, before I went shopping. If they say they are and then change their minds, I'd suggest that we make it a new standing family rule that we don't exchange gifts "to save future confusion". Or just pre-empt the whole thing next year by saying that you're not doing Christmas presents!

@VetiverAndLavender

It's shameful to wait so late to tell you. Next year, I'd be asking to confirm whether or not we're exchanging gifts, before I went shopping. If they say they are and then change their minds, I'd suggest that we make it a new standing family rule that we don't exchange gifts "to save future confusion". Or just pre-empt the whole thing next year by saying that you're not doing Christmas presents!

Why ask them? Much better to stop buying, it’s very uneven anyway, they have more kids and expect £30 spent on each kid.