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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to handle this? #xmasdrama

98 replies

MariaK91 · 18/12/2020 22:50

I'll try to keep this short, but it's a bit of a story! Sorry!

After bombarding me with messages about Xmas presents, SIL sent my DH a message saying 'this is what you're buying me for christmas' and a link to the item which is £60+. No 'hello', or 'how are you' or 'please'. We've already spent £40 on her baby on her request, and not bought her husband a present yet. It's WAY WAY more than we've ever spent on each other at Christmas - normally £20 MAX per person. And vice versa. It's a bit of a shock for us! (They're not our only family so we can't spend £40-60 per person, we're not poor but we're not rolling in the dough! They've never spent loads on us either)

She's been constantly messaging ' I want this, why aren't you guys replying, can you make DH reply' and when DH said to her, he was surprised she'd asked for so much she started messaging me asking why he's stressing about it.

What on earth do I say to her?! Ignore her? Or tell her she's being grabby? I haven't put all the details in here bc it'd be too long, but I used to get along really well with SIL but this is making me feel like she's just trying to squeeze every last drop of present out of us all of a sudden. We already make loads of effort at Christmas, we do all the cooking, make homemade crackers with decent gifts inside (e.g. jewelry, mini alcohols etc), Christmas breakfast muffins, bring all the games. I appreciate I've probably taken this more personally than I should but it really feels like they don't give a crap about seeing us at Christmas and just want stuff. Feel like all the effort we make is just pointless and I just don't have any enthusiasm for Christmas this year at all :/ how would you handle it?

OP posts:

londongirl12 · 18/12/2020 22:54

What is with all the crazy SIL recently on MN?

Yes DH should tell her she's being grabby. What a bloody cheek!! It's different if you'd have asked. God, I couldn't stand someone like that in my family

Canwecancel2020 · 18/12/2020 22:54

Could you just say thanks for the suggestions but you did your Christmas shopping back in the summer due to covid or something?

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 18/12/2020 22:54

Either ignore the messages or tell her you’ve already got her a present (even though you haven’t) and on the day present her with either a selection box or a note telling her that a donation has been made to charity instead of a present for her.

Seriously I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a kid let alone an adult.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 18/12/2020 22:54

Tell her no!!! Tell her exactly that - you've already bought their DCs gift and are still to buy for her DH. Tell her you've set a limit on everyone to keep it fair but you'll give her a cash gift for her to put towards whatever it is she's asked you for

Brefugee · 18/12/2020 22:55

Tell her to pick something that costs a max of 20 quid and stop being grabby?

Send her several messages with things that cost 60 quid and say "you're buying this for me, and that for DH"?

Find a link on ebay for a 2nd hand one, send her a screenshot and ask if it's the right colour?

Brefugee · 18/12/2020 22:56

ohhhh yes! get her an Oxfam goat

icelollycraving · 18/12/2020 22:56

I want doesn’t equal you getting it though SIL, we don’t normally spend that much. We will keep it in mind but it’s v unlikely you’ll get it from us. If you want it, tell your husband.

Mamamia456 · 18/12/2020 22:58

As others have said, just tell her you've already bought her present and don't engage any further.

Cam2020 · 18/12/2020 23:01

Block or ignore. Christmas is just soookkk busy, you haven't had time to read your messages.

What a CF!

Watermelon888 · 18/12/2020 23:01

Buy her the £60 present and in return say you would like cash this year (£60)

AndcalloffChristmas · 18/12/2020 23:02

She’s very rude and o don’t want to minimise that. However you could say, “look SIL that’s more than we can afford to spend. I’ll get you a voucher for the normal amount we all spend for that shop, so you can put it towards your choice”. Or rather your DH could say it.

FrenchBoule · 18/12/2020 23:04

Be straight.

Sorry,can’t afford it.

AnnaMagnani · 18/12/2020 23:06

Well next year you know not to make any muffins and to run out of homemade crackers.

You and your DH are being taken for mugs. Contributions for food budget next year as well or don't bother.

drinkinginamanger · 18/12/2020 23:07

Tell her you spent the budget for her family on her child and they'll be getting a selection box

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2020 23:08

DH can just message “Sorry sis, already bought your gift.”

Stop angsting. And stop doing expensive personalised crackers etc. You’ve given the impression you can spend more.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2020 23:11

Sorry - I see your DH has replied to her so now she’s hassling you and you want advice on that.

Just say “DH’s not stressing - we just can’t afford to spend that much cos we’ve already spent more than we should on DN getting what you asked. Do you have any suggestions for you and BIL about the £20 level?”

katy1213 · 18/12/2020 23:16

I'd have thought if you've spent £40 on her baby - who won't even notice - then that really counts as her present.

AIMD · 18/12/2020 23:22

Wow, shes brazen.
Did you ask her to let you know what she wants?

Id just say yoy arent soending that much as it’s above whay you have budgeted. Maybe count the number of texts she has sent and send somethint alogn the lines of...

“ you’ve sent us 16 texts about the present you want from us. Sounds like you REALLY want it. Unfortuntaly we onky budgeted £20 for a gift for you as we have spent so much on food and drink for the day already”

Have you requested specific gifts fron her?

LouiseTrees · 18/12/2020 23:27

Did you come into money or something? Is she a bit of a waster?

ElizaLaLa · 18/12/2020 23:28

I'd tell her its presence over presents from now on and you'll only buy for children, or I'd send back a request for something ~£100, each, for you and your Dh. And £50 present requests for each of your DC.

Basically, tell her to get fucked.

Ellmau · 18/12/2020 23:31

I wouldn't be aggressive back, just say, sorry, can't afford that.

justilou1 · 18/12/2020 23:32

“Not happening - get a sugar daddy”

ARoseDowntown · 18/12/2020 23:35

The trouble with people like this is that when you say "sorry, that's too much, we can't afford it/ we're trying to keep it reasonable for everyone", they argue about your ability to pay! Things like "but you just bought a new car didn't you?" or "but you always wear designer gear!" etc etc. They don't get their own flawed logic, and even if they did they just don't want to think on that level. They have a deep-rooted (mis)understanding of your role in their lives (basically a benevolent factor, there to look after them) normally because they feel hard done by on some level, and go by that.

The only way to deal with people like this is to do whatever you intend to do, and ignore the texts and pressure, the tantrums and histrionics, bitching to MIL, sniping and snide comments. You only need to do it a couple of times before the message sinks in.

Can you tell I have a SIL just like this ?

Lalliella · 18/12/2020 23:37

Don’t tell her you can’t afford it. She’ll just feel superior. Either tell her you’ve already bought her present, or tell her that’s more money than you’d normally spend. I vote for the latter, it’s more honest.

ktp100 · 18/12/2020 23:38

I'd either be honest and say you won't be spending that much on gifts for adults in the family or just say her gift had already been sorted.

Prime CFery, for sure!!

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