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Original poster

How to handle this? #xmasdrama

98 replies

MariaK91 · 18/12/2020 22:50

I'll try to keep this short, but it's a bit of a story! Sorry!

After bombarding me with messages about Xmas presents, SIL sent my DH a message saying 'this is what you're buying me for christmas' and a link to the item which is £60+. No 'hello', or 'how are you' or 'please'. We've already spent £40 on her baby on her request, and not bought her husband a present yet. It's WAY WAY more than we've ever spent on each other at Christmas - normally £20 MAX per person. And vice versa. It's a bit of a shock for us! (They're not our only family so we can't spend £40-60 per person, we're not poor but we're not rolling in the dough! They've never spent loads on us either)

She's been constantly messaging ' I want this, why aren't you guys replying, can you make DH reply' and when DH said to her, he was surprised she'd asked for so much she started messaging me asking why he's stressing about it.

What on earth do I say to her?! Ignore her? Or tell her she's being grabby? I haven't put all the details in here bc it'd be too long, but I used to get along really well with SIL but this is making me feel like she's just trying to squeeze every last drop of present out of us all of a sudden. We already make loads of effort at Christmas, we do all the cooking, make homemade crackers with decent gifts inside (e.g. jewelry, mini alcohols etc), Christmas breakfast muffins, bring all the games. I appreciate I've probably taken this more personally than I should but it really feels like they don't give a crap about seeing us at Christmas and just want stuff. Feel like all the effort we make is just pointless and I just don't have any enthusiasm for Christmas this year at all :/ how would you handle it?

OP posts:
cuppateabiscuits · 19/12/2020 09:09

Sorry we are only buying for the children
Or we are limiting our Xmas present spend to £..

Purplewithred · 19/12/2020 09:14

“Hahaha. Your budget is £20. Want a voucher?”

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 19/12/2020 09:17

Send her £60 items you want.... Suggest you just buy your own, save the faff.

Joinedjustforthispost · 19/12/2020 09:17

Op the best gift you could give cf sil is a link to this thread Xmas Grin

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/12/2020 09:19

I honestly don’t know what to say. I think the only thing I’d do in this situation is go NC. There’s literally no other path aside from swearing a lot.

VettiyaIruken · 19/12/2020 09:20

Send her a link to something at the same price and say "and this is what you're buying me for Christmas."

Bumpsadaisie · 19/12/2020 09:23

My 11 and 9 year olds wouldn't behave like this.

Does your DHs sister have any kind of problems? If not then she needs to be told!

Bumpsadaisie · 19/12/2020 09:26

Plus the whole "you're getting me this" thing is odd.

Fair enough to have a wish list but surely it's down to the giver to decide what they would like to give?

Otherwise the gift giving simply becomes "getting other people to buy stuff for you".

ladyvimes · 19/12/2020 09:29

I don’t get all the fuss! Just tell her you’re not spending £60 on her and if she doesn’t stop badgering you she’ll be getting nothing!

Original poster
MariaK91 · 19/12/2020 09:30

@Maigue

Is this the batshit SIL with the gift list rocking-horse?
Yeh the very same :/ she's being really difficult. Effing rocking horse!!

DH is very knowledgeable about the item she wants and she asked him a few months ago for advice on what to get and naturally he enthusiastically gave her advice. Now he's said to her no we're not spending that much she's saying she expects him to get it because he was enthusiastic when they talked about it a few months ago when there was no mention of Christmas! It's bizarre! I expected her to be like, oh no worries, I'd quite like this smaller item which is £20. I can't believe she's arguing and now messaging me about it. Unfortunately DH has said he hasn't done his Christmas shopping yet so the obvious excuse to say we've already done our shopping would pretty obviously a lie :/

OP posts:
dappledsunshine · 19/12/2020 09:31

I don't get the dilemma just say no and if she keeps on ignore her!

reprehensibleme · 19/12/2020 09:35

Would be tempted to text back 'I want never gets'.

Winter2020 · 19/12/2020 09:38

I think "our budget is £20 each person so we will give you £20 towards it" would be fine.

I would strongly consider making an "only buying for the children" rule next year. Tell people in good time or even tell them this year that this is the last year that you will be buying for adults.

We only buy for adults and my parents in my family and it is very freeing and reduces the burden side of xmas a lot so it can be enjoyed again. Even when buying for only children stick to your budget. E.g. you could ask for ideas but just say "around £20". You would find it very liberating.

It is easy for gifts to escalate. Even if SIL is very rich or generous and buys expensive presents herself that then creates a burden for others to reciprocate. It is not kind to put people in that position.

We don't even do birthday gifts with adult siblings now. Just a card. Sometimes a couple of scratchcards or a box of sweets. It's great.

Hahaha88 · 19/12/2020 09:39

Omg how is this even an issue? You simply say sorry sil that's out of our budget. Would you prefer a voucher or money that you can use towards it? Be firm not a pussy

Original poster
MariaK91 · 19/12/2020 09:40

@Bumpsadaisie

Plus the whole "you're getting me this" thing is odd.

Fair enough to have a wish list but surely it's down to the giver to decide what they would like to give?

Otherwise the gift giving simply becomes "getting other people to buy stuff for you".

Honestly, I didn't believe it and had to read the message myself to believe it was that rude. I thought DH was exaggerating until I actually saw it. I completely agree with you, it's just 'what can I get out of people'!
OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 19/12/2020 09:50

The cheeky grabby cow.

I would message back 'fuck off'.

Take the kids present back and send a small token gift only. I wouldn't be getting the sil anything at all.

ths1 · 19/12/2020 09:53

It's really crass to do this. We've also moved onto presents only for kids and not the adults. Even then, we have an agreed budget of £20 per child, I'll ask my sister what her kids want and she'll give me a list of ideas around the £40-60 mark. It becomes quite awkward. If I'm asked for a present idea, I make sure it's within the budget or it looks greedy.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 19/12/2020 09:55

Just say "no"!

humblesims · 19/12/2020 10:03

What on earth do I say to her
Just say its not happening. Offer £20 toward it and leave it. Its for her to deal with, not for you to tie yourself in knots. She's rude so dont feel bad.

Watermelon888 · 19/12/2020 10:05

@MariaK91

Has she always been like this or just this year? Would you normally spend that much?

We just buy for kids which is much easier.

tara66 · 19/12/2020 10:16

Very bad form indeed to actually ask for anything for Xmas - unless that person had first been asked what they wanted - which is dangerous because one never knows what the answer will be!

RuggerHug · 19/12/2020 10:28

'Oh that is nice. You'll buy me one for my gift,yes?'. Either she'll say it's too much or you just hand it straight back to her when she gives you one😋

SpiderGwen · 19/12/2020 10:28

Bung a tenner in a card for the CF.

GaryTheDemon · 19/12/2020 10:32

That’s really rude and bizarre! You need to ignore all her messages. Your DH needs to go back to her and say: I have already said we are not buying this. You’re being rude and I can’t believe you’re behaving like this. Stop harassing both of us about a present.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 19/12/2020 10:38

Tell her to get on that rocking horse and rock off...