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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how if I'll ever get over my miscarriage

77 replies

YoungScrappyHungry · 18/12/2020 18:54

I'm completely broken. Had surgical management on Wednesday. No heart beat since 9 weeks, thought I was 12.
It's made worse because DH has four children who I usually adore but I can't be around at the moment, their mum has refused to swap weekends (we have them 40%) so I've come to a family members house, bleeding, crying and alone.

Please tell me this gets better. I don't know if I can do this.

OP posts:

LatteLover12 · 18/12/2020 18:56

I promise you it gets better.

It's all so raw right now but as time moves on you will begin to heal.

My miscarriages were the worst time of my life. I was utterly bereft but I promise you, it does get better.

Do whatever you need to do right now to make it through the days.

Sending love xx

mollypuss1 · 18/12/2020 18:59

It 100% gets better, I promise.

You will always grieve the baby you lost but like all grief it eases with time and becomes manageable.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/12/2020 19:06

You don't 'get over it', but with to the pain becomes bearable, and to find other things to live for.
My turning point was when i got the advice to name my baby. So now i can think of my Harry (i never knew the sex, but the name fit) and i can talk about him with others who understand. I mainly remember on what should have been the birthday.

Sending love to you. Xx

tsmainsqueeze · 18/12/2020 19:07

I am so sorry , i have been there too ,it will get better .
Don't think of other people , just look after yourself ,do whatever you feel is right for you.
You will get through it, you have a whole future to look forward to .
Talk about it if you need to , there are so many women who go through this loss but we tend to keep it to ourselves , it really helped me when others shared their thoughts , i didn't feel quite so alone.
Thinking of you x

rookgizzardpie · 18/12/2020 19:14

Time make it MUCH easier

Salamander91 · 18/12/2020 19:22

It's hard to imagine it now but it does get easier. I had a mmc in Jan and find I'm mostly ok now but will have a cry every now and again. Sorry for your loss

NorthernChinchilla · 18/12/2020 19:22

It's utterly horrible, I needed 3 weeks off work- you'll have the emotional and all the hormonal issues swirling round.
Whilst it will get better over time, dont be afraid of counselling/short term ADs/leaning on friends.
Sending

MaskingForIt · 18/12/2020 19:24

It does get easier, but it takes time.

For me, knowing that it happens to so many women and knowing that it wasn’t my fault, it was just an embryo that wasn’t compatible with life made things easier.

RobinsEggBlue · 18/12/2020 19:24

Take your time, nobody can tell you how to feel. So so sorry for your loss xx

Milkshake54 · 18/12/2020 19:25

Hugs to you.

It will get easier, although it will take time. I was where you are this time last year and thought the very same.

I went back to work too soon and had to take another month off after burning out. So make sure you take the time you need ❤️

Dorris83 · 18/12/2020 19:25

I’m so sorry that you lost your baby. I had a missed miscarriage at very similar dates and I was bereft. I found the miscarriage board on here (mumsnet) to be very helpful. I also cried a lot and told the people I needed to so that I could have the time I needed (so I told my boss and had a few days off) which really helped. This is a time for you to do exactly what you need to keep going, if seeing people who are expecting is hard, avoid them if you can. I also found comfort from unlikely people. My mum’s sympathy seemed to run out but a fried who was pregnant had had a similar experience and she was so supportive and kind.
I’m so sorry, it’s so unfair and I wish things could be different for you.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 18/12/2020 19:27

I lost my baby 2 years ago and not a day goes by when I don't think of the child that should have been, the due date, the loss date, every date aches in my heart but somehow you carry on. You will never 'get over it' or move on, you will never forget either but you find a way to carry it with you. I'm really sorry for your loss. Take the time to mourn your baby and take care of yourself in whatever way you need to!

Dorris83 · 18/12/2020 19:27

Also it’s so hard to tell people but the more people you tell, the more people you discover have had a miscarriage. I was amazed at how many people had experienced this.

Diddumz · 18/12/2020 19:27

It's the most appalling, agonising and lonely experience.

I had never felt so confused, angry and bereft.

I recommend naming your baby and commemorating he or she with a special ornament or similar.

AnyFucker · 18/12/2020 19:27

I am sorry. I had two missed miscarriages. It was devastating.

But you do heal, with time. Be kind to yourself and what you need to do for now.

Crownofthorns · 18/12/2020 19:31

I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage last November, a few days after seeing a heartbeat at 7+2. ‘He’ (I strongly felt it was a he) was our miracle baby naturally conceived after having to have IVF to have DD and I was absolutely devastated. I still am if I’m honest but the pain does absolutely get better. Please be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to recover. Better times are ahead 💐 Hugs to you.

DisneyMillie · 18/12/2020 19:35

I’m so sorry for your loss. It does get better - it takes a while but 5 years on and I only occasionally think about it and when I do only a sad feeling not a big grief anymore. I really hope you feel better soon x

NigellasMicrowave · 18/12/2020 19:35

I am going through something similar (ectopic) so I am following here too, for self-interest. I’m so sorry for your loss. What has really helped me thus far is to talk to people. It is amazing how much compassion people have and what has been very helpful has been hearing from people who have been through it, and have some distance between their experience and now (one friend’s experience was a bit too raw and her communication was more like a catharsis for her than help for me). Much love to you. It is painful and lonely, I know.

Sunshinelove8 · 18/12/2020 19:47

Firstly , big hugs op . I’ve had 3 mmc in the last 18 months . It has been very hard but the other posters are right , the grief does ease. I’d never known grief like it ( especially the first one as, like you , I saw a heartbeat and then it was gone at 12 week scan) I was shocked at the emotion and utter devastation I felt for someone I had never met , like it was a relative . I cried a lot , I ranted , I spoke to lots of trusted people , I wrote letters to my baby , I joined the miscarriage association and spoke to counsellors on the helpline . I did anything to be kind to myself - took time off work , ate and drank what I wanted . I do still think of the miscarriages but not with the same grief at all . I also came to stop hating myself and my body , my body decided to end the pregnancy most likely because it was not a healthy baby and so it did the right thing . It helped me see my body more positively .
You will get through this I promise , I also felt like I would never recover and I did x

Nottherealslimshady · 18/12/2020 19:52

I miscarried in August, I got pregnant again straight away. It's still something I carry around as a loss, like a death of a relative. You get used to it but it still hurts. I tell people when I'm telling them about this baby, I dont want to feel like I'm hiding it and it makes me more comfortable with it.

gypsywater · 18/12/2020 19:54

So sorry for your loss. No pain like it. I had a MMC at 10+4 at the end of Sept and it is still painful, but has got easier to bear. You'll get there xxx

MindyStClaire · 18/12/2020 19:54

You will heal. Most women I know who have had a family have also had a miscarriage along the way (including me). It's not fun, but it's normal and like most other bereavements the pain will ease in time.

Wolfiefan · 18/12/2020 19:56

I’m so so very sorry OP. My first pg was a mmc. Found out at 13 weeks. It was devastating. You are grieving. It’s bloody hard. You’ve suffered such a loss. Be kind to yourself. It takes time.

user1471502264 · 18/12/2020 19:57

So sorry for your loss. It does get easier with time but it never leaves you. Look after yourself and take all the time you need.

Hoppinggreen · 18/12/2020 19:57

I am very sorry for your loss
It does get easier, 16 years later I still have the odd wobble on what would have been my due date etc but I am generally ok.
Dont let anybody tell you how to grieve or how long for and be kind to yourself x

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