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Original poster

To ask how if I'll ever get over my miscarriage

77 replies

YoungScrappyHungry · 18/12/2020 18:54

I'm completely broken. Had surgical management on Wednesday. No heart beat since 9 weeks, thought I was 12.
It's made worse because DH has four children who I usually adore but I can't be around at the moment, their mum has refused to swap weekends (we have them 40%) so I've come to a family members house, bleeding, crying and alone.

Please tell me this gets better. I don't know if I can do this.

OP posts:
foodtoorder · 18/12/2020 19:59

It does get better. The answer is to keep moving forward. Yes, reflect and be kind to yourself but you have a future and you must keep moving towards it. Unfortunately the world keeps spinning as much as these situations make us not want it to. You will be ok.

KyraGoose · 18/12/2020 20:00

So sorry for you. It's horrible. Many of us have been there. Time will heal you Flowers

Lilyofthevalleys · 18/12/2020 20:01

Huge hugs OP. Miscarriage is horrific, my first one was the darkest time. I felt totally bereft and it was compounded by the loneliness of careless lack of understanding from family.

It will get better, but first you have to grieve.

For me there is still sadness but it is not bitter and dark like the early days.

Be selfish an gentle with yourself.

Original poster
YoungScrappyHungry · 18/12/2020 20:01

I'm reading all your messages, thank you

OP posts:
WankPuffins · 18/12/2020 20:02

You won't. But the pain will heal.

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. It's hands down the worst thing I've ever experienced. I had a name for that baby. I had plans for him. I knew what nursery he would go to and I loved him.

It was 8 years ago.

I've had two wonderful, amazing, beautiful dds. But I remember his due date every year and the day he was "born". It's still hard. But it's not a would ripping and heart stopping as it was.

I will think of him always but it does get easier to live with. I promise Flowers

Lostmyunicorn · 18/12/2020 20:02

I am so sorry for your loss. I had two missed miscarriages. I was devastated and it took a long time to recover. I couldn’t be around babies or small kids for some time. I think that greatly hurt one of my best friends who had a small baby at the time but I just couldn’t do it. I was offered counselling through the GP after the second, I went along expecting very little, but in fact it helped a great deal. I do now have two DC but I don’t forget the babies I lost. Sending you strength and hope for the future.

emeraldcity2000 · 18/12/2020 20:06

Sending love. I had a miscarriage and was lucky enough to fall pregnant again a few months later. It was awful at the time but it does ease xxxx

worksleep · 18/12/2020 20:42

So sorry for your loss. You will always remember but it will get better. However take time to grieve. It is such a lonely heart wrenching experience. Reach out to those that love you Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2020 20:51

I think I posted on your other thread, I’m sorry the ex didn’t do the decent thing and I’m glad you’ve gone somewhere you’ll be looked after Flowers

Don’t try and be brave. It’s a truly horrendous pain. I had two mmc, one with the same dates as yours and it took me a while to come to terms with the shock of the terrible scan, never mind the rest of it. The advice to name your baby is good, if it helps. We knew she was a girl but most people don’t know and you can choose any name that feels right in your heart.

As I think I said, it’s easy to push yourself to “be normal” as the initial trauma fades and that’s fine if it helps but I took it way too far, got a painful infection which set me back and wish I’d just taken it easy and looked after myself. Talk about it as much as you need to, the miscarriage support threads on here can be amazing. They really got me through some awful nights and I’ve made real life friends with a bunch of women who went through the same thing.

Sending you comfort Flowers

TakeMe2Insanity · 18/12/2020 20:54

Hugs to you.

Miscarriages are the worst. Talk about it. Be kind to yourself.

HavelockVetinari · 18/12/2020 21:42

I'm so very sorry for your loss SadFlowers

It is awful, and it will be something you'll always carry with you. However, with time it gets more bearable. I've had 6 miscarriages and I rounds of IVF. Each one has been painful. The best piece of advice I had was to allow yourself to grieve. You've lost a baby, and you're allowed to be sad. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time and space to mourn, if you need time apart from other people's children that's ok.

of solidarity Flowers

HavelockVetinari · 18/12/2020 21:43

*8 not I

User43210 · 18/12/2020 21:47

I thought it would never get better but in time, it does. You learn to cope surprisingly, then it hurts less for most of the time. It's never truly forgotten but it does get better. It helps to talk, and one day you will see someone else asking for help and it'll be your turn to reassure them that they'll come out the other side ❤️

WiseOwlWan · 18/12/2020 21:53

Xx

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 18/12/2020 21:58

I agree with a pp, give the baby a name. I lost mine at 10 weeks, and was devastated. I had a few weeks off work and when I went back was surprised how many other women opened up saying they had experienced miscarriage too. It feels very isolating but it's more common than you think.
I was lucky enough to get pregnant again a few months later. My Dd was born the day before the anniversary of the day I lost the previous baby. Dd is 10 now, each birthday, the next day I remember the baby we lost. It feels nice albeit sad.
I also like robins. Many people say that if you see a robin it's the soul of a loved one. I called my baby I lost 'Ellie' so whenever I see a robin I think 'Hello Ellie' and sometimes we have a little chat. It gives me comfort.
In time your feelings will be less raw. Look after yourself and take the time to grieve.

Sarahlou252 · 18/12/2020 21:59

I lost my baby ten years ago at 16 weeks. It was Christmas time and it was so hard when everywhere was covered in tinsel and glitter and yet the bottom had fallen out of my world. I spent my early twenties with two young children, feeling like I had imposter syndrome, still childlike and very immature. My mc defined me and was the day I grew up and became an adult. It hurt very very deeply, but yes it lessens over time. I still think of her often, but with affection and love, not sadness. She will always be a part of me and your baby will always be a part of you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

cakecakecheese · 18/12/2020 22:01

I can't answer the question as it's happening to me right now but you're not alone x

legallybland · 18/12/2020 22:12

it does get better with time, although that is hard to believe when it has just happened and you feel so raw. I didn't have anyone I could tell IRL but I did find it really helpful to read others' experiences on here, it kind of validated the feelings that I didn't really understand and couldn't express myself. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Beamur · 18/12/2020 22:17

Hugs. It's such a hard thing to go through. Mine was 14 years ago and I still feel sad occasionally and wonder about the 'might have been' baby. But it does get easier.
I too had to go home to my DP's other children which added another dimension of pain to it all.
I was lucky and had DD about 2 years later, so not an easy journey.
Take your time to grieve and recover. Sadly all too many pregnancies end this way and you are far from alone.

Geekster1963 · 18/12/2020 22:22

It’s horrible I had my second one 13 years ago on 21st December. We had an early scan at 9 weeks as I’d had a bit of spotting and all was fine. Went for my dating scan on 21st December and the baby had died just after the last scan. I had to go in on Christmas Eve for a d&c.

I remember thinking I would never feel happy again. If I’m honest it did take me a long time to feel better, it was a gradual process. We went on to have a further 4 miscarriages before finally having out daughter who is 8 now.

I still think of the babies I lost and what would have been, our first child would have been 13 in November.

You never forget them, but learn to live with them.

There really is no right or wrong on how you feel and no timeline on how long it takes to feel better. I didn’t suddenly wake up one day and feel happy again, it was a gradual process.

So sorry for your loss, take care of yourself.

User43210 · 19/12/2020 07:04

Maybe some help from Sam in Sleepless in Seattle (this quote always gets me but is so beautiful)

I'm gonna get out of bed every morning … breathe in and out all day long. Then after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

MillieVanilla · 19/12/2020 07:08

You will be OK. It's so new right now and probably the worst time of year too.
I haven't told anyone except DP but I miscarried last month. Total shock pregnancy that was not planned at all but I had just got used to the idea and then started to miscarry.
It was hard emotionally, as it was all so unexpected (my youngest is nearly 13) and I hadn't told anyone but I'm OK now. Bit emotional over silly things.
Flowers
Just concentrate on you. Nothing else. Block it out. Let your DP deal with his ex and DC's. You need time to heal.

sadsaddersaddest · 19/12/2020 07:14

I am so sorry OP.
It will get better, but it takes time.
I had a 2nd trimester loss nearly 3 years ago. I still think about my poor boy a lot, but the pain is bearable now.

Luckystar1 · 19/12/2020 07:31

I have had 4 miscarriages. My first, before my eldest child, I saw a heartbeat, then a few weeks later, nothing. It was absolutely awful, and it changed me. The following 3, well, as you can imagine, were like being trampled continually.

I have been extremely lucky and have had my gorgeous children. But some days, I think about it, and it takes my breath away, the pain of it all. I do cry secretly about what I’ve been through, even now, but I have never told anyone that as they just wouldn’t understand.

Time is a wonderful healer. And I wish you the very, very best for the future. X

Luckystar1 · 19/12/2020 07:32

Sorry I should say, I only think and cry about it occasionally! It’s not a daily or even weekly or monthly occurrence.