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Original poster

To ask how if I'll ever get over my miscarriage

77 replies

YoungScrappyHungry · 18/12/2020 18:54

I'm completely broken. Had surgical management on Wednesday. No heart beat since 9 weeks, thought I was 12.
It's made worse because DH has four children who I usually adore but I can't be around at the moment, their mum has refused to swap weekends (we have them 40%) so I've come to a family members house, bleeding, crying and alone.

Please tell me this gets better. I don't know if I can do this.

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 19/12/2020 07:34

So sorry OP. Be kind to yourself. Time is a healer. xx

GiveMeCamembert · 19/12/2020 07:35

I miscarried in September. It's hard but the intense pain you feel now won't be there forever.

On a practical level, if you can take time off work then do it. This is a loss and you need time and space to grieve. I joined the Tommy's pregnancy loss group on Facebook and found it an amazing source of comfort and support. If you feel comfortable, talking to friends and family about it can also be helpful. For me it was one of the best things I did because it sparked other women to tell me about their experiences and I felt so much less alone. Someone recommended acupuncture to me when I miscarried so I gave it a go and it's been brilliant - it's not for everyone but it might be something to try if you can.

Look after yourself OP, it's one of the hardest things you'll ever experience but I promise you won't feel like this forever.

motherrunner · 19/12/2020 07:40

I miscarried nearly 8 years ago. I never knew (emotional) pain like it and I had lost a parent and been through a marriage ending.

You won’t forget but the pain will become easier. The hardest thing for me was seeing pregnant women everywhere and I remember getting irrationally angry that Kate Middleton fell pregnant! I actually had CBT to cope with my grief and it really helped.

💐

Livelifetotheful · 19/12/2020 08:18

Sending you a long hug . Sounds so lame I know , I wish so much . .. one source of help , available on line , is the Crossway Pregnancy Loss Service based in twickenham . I hear your despair and it is so hard . I’m really really sorry you are going through this . Love Ax

Livelifetotheful · 19/12/2020 08:22

crosswaypregnancy.org.uk
Hope this works

Livelifetotheful · 19/12/2020 08:27

Dear Friend , maybe these pole can help
www.crosswaypregnancy.org.uk/
Finally think I worked out how to post link x

Elsielouise13 · 19/12/2020 08:28

So sorry to hear this. I could have written your post almost 15 years ago to the day.

There is no quick fix other than time and in the meanwhile being gentle on yourself and your partner. I wish there was.

MissMaple82 · 19/12/2020 08:32

Aww you poor thing. It 100% gets better though. Your allowed to grieve. I worked on the baby isle in a supermarket when I had mine amd I thought I'd never be able to work again, but I did. Women are strong 💪

louloulemons · 19/12/2020 08:40

OP I had my MMC 4 weeks ago so I do completely understand and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. The grief and devastation hit us both like a sledgehammer, we were totally unprepared for it but it was very very real and I felt every bit as upset as when I’ve lost a close family member, perhaps more so.

A previous poster said about support coming from unexpected sources and its been the same for me. I felt I wanted to talk about it and when I did, people I never expected came to me talking about their own experiences, and showing so much kindness. The people I always thought would be there for me have been a bit distant and I think perhaps it’s one of those things that you can’t really understand the true impact of unless you’ve been there yourself.

Try to remember that grief comes in waves. You will have good days and bad days, but slowly it will get easier. I also found counselling really helped to deal with the huge jumble of emotions going round and round in my head.

Slightlydustcovered · 19/12/2020 08:48

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It never goes but it will get better.

Please be kind to yourself and partner.

PortalooSunset · 19/12/2020 09:31

Ah bless you op, I remember that feeling Flowers I was really poorly after mine too so ended up having 3+ weeks off work, but tbh I don't think I could have mentally handled going back before then. Take all the time you need.
I had 2 other dc already and having them close was a comfort, but I can sort of understand you not wanting to see your stepchildren immediately. Sad that your dp can't be with you to comfort you though.

Mine was 8 years ago, it's not as raw as it was but occasionally it hits me. I have a cousin with a dc born on my due date and I'm afraid I avoid contact as far as possible because I cannot handle the reminder of what we lost.

Sending you and your dp lots of love Flowers

toomuchtooold · 19/12/2020 09:42

It takes time. What I found, in my life, is that people just didn't want to talk about it to me, there was no marking of it, and so it was difficult for me to recognise it and grieve it as the profound bereavement that it actually was. My dad was dying at the same time and the difference in treatment of the two bereavements was very stark. I would say to you, treat yourself gently, as if you have gone theough a bereavement, because you have. Don't make any big life changing decisions or anything just now. It will get better.

Original poster
YoungScrappyHungry · 19/12/2020 10:34

Thank you.
I just want to be at home with DH, but I don't want the Stepkids to see me like this. DH's ex said no because she's going to Blenheim palace and she had to deal with it when she had her gallbladder out (we actually had them extra then for her to recover and have just finished having them 2 weeks straight because she was getting an extension on her house)
Like it's not hard enough.
Work have been amazing, I'm in the emergency services and I'm signed off until 13th Jan.

OP posts:
severussnaperus · 19/12/2020 10:45

I'm sorry but why are people saying you'll never get over it?

Of course it's possible to get over it

I've had eleven miscarriages. I don't think I could tell you the exact date of any of them. I rarely think of them

gypsywater · 19/12/2020 11:37

Because everyone is different...obviously?

doingitforthefrill · 19/12/2020 12:25

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I’ve been through this twice before, it will get easier even on the darkest of days when you think it won’t, but it will take time. Initially I blamed myself when there was nothing I could of done to prevent or cause it. So please don’t feel hard on yourself if you’re feeling similar. Flowers

LittleGwyneth · 19/12/2020 12:48

It's just time, honestly. We did a little funeral type thing where we put the pregnancy test & a bracelet I was wearing at the scan when we found out about my MMC into the sea.

I'm sorry that, as PP said, the ex didn't do the decent thing.

Original poster
YoungScrappyHungry · 19/12/2020 14:57

I do blame myself. I keep thinking back to when the heart stopped and thinking what was I doing around then. I had hyperemesis and was on medication, maybe that was it? I had a can of coke with a meal around that time. I can't stop wondering and replaying over and over.

OP posts:
peasoup8 · 19/12/2020 14:58

Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry OP Flowers

peasoup8 · 19/12/2020 15:00

I do blame myself. I keep thinking back to when the heart stopped and thinking what was I doing around then. I had hyperemesis and was on medication, maybe that was it? I had a can of coke with a meal around that time. I can't stop wondering and replaying over and over.

PLEASE don’t blame yourself - you did nothing wrong I promise Flowers

doingitforthefrill · 19/12/2020 17:45

Please don’t blame yourself OP. I was exactly the same I was adamant I caused it, at the time my babies heartbeat had stopped I thought back to what I would of been doing and I was decorating my sons bedroom. I blamed myself for ages, the lady doing my scan said I couldn’t of done anything to cause it, sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Allow yourself to grieve, it will be hard but it won’t always be like this. I remember having to drag myself out of bed in the morning and I tried to hide to all my family how hard this was hurting me, until one point I just broke down which was what I needed to do.

Please take care of yourself OP. If you need to message someone who has been through this before than my inbox is always open. Flowers

WankPuffins · 19/12/2020 17:54

Please don't blame yourself. It was not the medications, there have been no indication that any of them cause miscarriage. I've had to have sickness medication all though three pregnancies.

Miscarriages happen for a myriad of reasons, most of them beyond our control and we never know why.

Please be kind to yourself

toomuchtooold · 20/12/2020 10:33

Exactly wankpuffins The majority of early miscarriages are because of a chromosomal abnormality, usually a complete one-off, and there is nothing you could have done.

EggnogAndAMincepie · 20/12/2020 10:56

You never get over it, you just learn to live with it that's all. We had our 4th loss last year at 9 weeks.

Original poster
YoungScrappyHungry · 20/12/2020 12:07

I'm so sorry to see everyone sharing their story. It's crazy the amount of my friends who've come forward and shared theirs, that I didn't even know about.

DH says that about the chromosomes not being compatible @toomuchtooold and that it could never have lived, is that true?

OP posts: