I think my friends an alcoholic.. isit my place to say anything?

[deffoabitofme]

Let’s call my friend Kate.. I met Kate when we both got a job at a pub 3 years ago and we have been great friends since. Were both in our 20s.. she’s slightly older than me and has a child (which doesn’t mean anything just painting a picture as to why i am worried).

Right so, We both began drinking more when we began working at the pub.. my mum a few times, had to tell me 'its not everyday'. However it was a good time in our lives.. all young people working together, kind of became a thing. However, I speak to Kate everyday and where i work 60 hours at my new job, i just don't have the time for that anymore as much as i used to. Yet herself, she left the pub job to work somewhere because she was always late from being hungover and thought she would be fired. She got a new job but left after 1 month and has not worked for maybe 1.5 years now. I feel Kate is becoming content with the way she’s living but as a friend I’m worried. At the start she used to drink brandy, a bottle a night minimum.. never been a brandy girl so i would always bring my own drink + my tolerance is not the same, quarter bottle and I’m slurring lol. However, i have seen her taste for alcohol change so many times, so now kate loves red wine. She has gained alot of weight because of this if I’m going to be honest, like 4 dress sizes. She functions really well though, i mean i have gone round with my mum and shes drank us both under the table. Doesn’t really affect her that bad in terms of her behaviour. Kate is in a bad habit of drinking till hours of the morning, having to get up early to take her child to school and then sleeping till she needs to get up to collect her. Then does the same thing.. day in day out. She's got no energy to play with her child but she is a great mum and her child never goes without.

She's honestly the nicest person ever but i don't want her to be upset if i mention it. However alcohol is apart of her daily routine and it has been for 3 years now.. as a friend what do i say? or do I say anything at all?

YABU - its not my place
YANBU - i should say something

I think I would have to say something, but she probably doesn't want to hear it and might get angry at you /cut you out. Doesn't sound great for her kid.

She's not a great mum though, is she? Her child is suffering because of her drinking and it's only going to get worse. I think social services ought to be involved.

She doesnt even play with her child and is likely endangering her life and others' by driving under the influence the morning after....that's not even an adequate mum. She needs help before she kills someone. I'm not sure of the best place to start though. Social services? I dont think talking to her will achieve anything to be honest. What about the daughters dad, is he in the picture at all?

She certainly isn’t a great mum is she? I would be most concerned for the welfare of her child so anything you do really should be done with that in mind. If nothing else a huge amount of family money must be diverted to funding her drinking. I would say it’s tough love time - if you don’t say something who will ? If she wants to be alive to see her child grow up she needs to address this problem. Of course she may not want to hear it but at least you will have raised it

Sod talking to her I would be talking to social services. Don’t kid yourself that this is not damaging to her child. It’s appalling.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie She doesn't drive btw.. schools a 10 min walk from the house. The dad is fantastic.. they are seperated but good friends and she has her own room at his house, He is very hot on educating her right and has more rules in place than i guess my friend does.. even though hes young himself. He has once stormed around her house and said 'look at the state of you.. all you do is drink'. Also im not saying she doesn't take her out and do fun things but shes the mum prefer activities where she can sit on the side line and watch.. rather than getting involved, thats why i say shes never gone with out in terms of clothes and food etc but I go around and sometimes i find her child really on top of me and put that down to my friend not playing with her while at home.

@Ohtherewearethen Were in the early parts of our 20s her coming up to mid now.. i just sometimes think is she trying to live a young life and be a mother at the same time but even me without a child knows.. you cant really do it. Where i live calling social services on people will get you black listed.. such a big step uno..

It's difficult,and she may not be seeing things clearly through her alcoholic haze, but I would try and talk to her about her problem,and would not start reporting her to anyone. She won't see it as a problem, but she is wasting money, damaging her health, and obviously there will be problems with childcare, as things can get out of control eventually.

When I was in my 20s I didn't drink a bottle of brandy everyday, the woman is a serious alcoholic. I'd say something and report to SS

@DivebarI would agree about the money. I’m always borrowing her money or when I’m on the way I might say – ‘do you need anything’ as would to anyone because I earn quite a bit more than majority of my mates so don’t mind bringing a pack of nappies or some milk but its usually a bottle of wine. Or the other day I said I was coming around... she said that’s fine “and a bottle of wine would be nice, preferably Merlo” I don’t find it cheeky because I have been broke before too when we worked at the pub and she helped me out.

@1forAll74 You're right, i dont even think she notices how bad it is. Ive been saying this since last year when i kinda thought.. shit its actually none stop! She just up for having mates over everyday snd having fun.. but then i think her poor child so thats why i stopped going, plus i then became work focused

She probably knows she's drinking too much,the only person who can change it is her. This year I lost a friend of over 40 years to alcoholism, he'd been an alcoholic as long as I knew him. In The Last few years he'd cut down on his drinking in public but he'd be in my sister's shop and she said he always stank of alcohol so I think he was drinking at home. When and if she decides to stop that's when she needs the support.

[quote deffoabitofme]@OoohTheStatsDontLie She doesn't drive btw.. schools a 10 min walk from the house. The dad is fantastic.. they are seperated but good friends and she has her own room at his house, He is very hot on educating her right and has more rules in place than i guess my friend does.. even though hes young himself. He has once stormed around her house and said 'look at the state of you.. all you do is drink'. Also im not saying she doesn't take her out and do fun things but shes the mum prefer activities where she can sit on the side line and watch.. rather than getting involved, thats why i say shes never gone with out in terms of clothes and food etc but I go around and sometimes i find her child really on top of me and put that down to my friend not playing with her while at home.[/quote]
A child “really on top of me” is a child crying out for attention and nurture.

I notice you’re ignoring people’s concerns about her. You are minimising the impact of this in her child.

Ah well, if you'd rather a small child suffer the (potentially fatal) consequences of living with an alcoholic parent for fear of being 'blacklisted' by phoning social services then that's on you.

Maybe start by not drinking with your mate? You're just encouraging her.

Setting an example may help, but I think you do need to be kind and say something.

@OhDear2200 Not ignoring but her dad is a fantastic parent, she can literally use him as a monkey bar and be on top of him. My friends mums also a foster carer of kids and one many awards.. limits herself to one glass a year if even that and i just wonder why she has not noticed her own daughter isn't an award winning mother and has a sereve drinking problem... i know they don't live together so she can prob hide how bad it is but to me its blatant. Also Im 22, practically a baby myself as my mum would say.. I have no experience of being a mother, i just don't want to judge but i guess i wrote this because i need advise as i love her alot as a mate and duno what i would do without her. What i maybe didn't think as deep into it as i should and maybe im being to nice.

I expect she does s know she has an issue, but she may not realise how bad it is or that other people have noticed. For that reason, I think it would be ok to mention it once, although as I am sure you know the want to change is hers alone.

How on earth can she afford to spend all that money on alcohol and still be a good mum? How much do you reckon she's spending per week?

Sorry, I know there are much bigger issues than the money, but I wondered how she could afford to drink that much and pay her bills.

You're also enabling her by providing drink.
Talk to her honestly and bluntly and if she shows no signs of changing, report to Social Services for her child's sake.

@naturalyoghurtmuncher I really don't drink that much.. i go round and shell crack a bottle of wine to herself. I HATE WINE.. regardless if i drank or not she will still drink. However i do understand what you're saying.. there was a time i let her peer pressure me into 'one glass' then i was hungover so i tend not to get involved anymore.

@Wingedharpy Yeah you're right but i suck at being strict and saying no. Maybe i should not offer and ignore the messages?

[quote deffoabitofme]@Ohtherewearethen Were in the early parts of our 20s her coming up to mid now.. i just sometimes think is she trying to live a young life and be a mother at the same time but even me without a child knows.. you cant really do it. Where i live calling social services on people will get you black listed.. such a big step uno..[/quote]
What does 'being blacklisted ' mean in this context ? You can report anonymously. Poor child.

@HollowTalk Tbh i really couldnt tell you i would say mimimum a bottle of wine a day to herself and thats like £7 per day maybe