I think my friends an alcoholic.. isit my place to say anything?

[deffoabitofme]

Let’s call my friend Kate.. I met Kate when we both got a job at a pub 3 years ago and we have been great friends since. Were both in our 20s.. she’s slightly older than me and has a child (which doesn’t mean anything just painting a picture as to why i am worried).

Right so, We both began drinking more when we began working at the pub.. my mum a few times, had to tell me 'its not everyday'. However it was a good time in our lives.. all young people working together, kind of became a thing. However, I speak to Kate everyday and where i work 60 hours at my new job, i just don't have the time for that anymore as much as i used to. Yet herself, she left the pub job to work somewhere because she was always late from being hungover and thought she would be fired. She got a new job but left after 1 month and has not worked for maybe 1.5 years now. I feel Kate is becoming content with the way she’s living but as a friend I’m worried. At the start she used to drink brandy, a bottle a night minimum.. never been a brandy girl so i would always bring my own drink + my tolerance is not the same, quarter bottle and I’m slurring lol. However, i have seen her taste for alcohol change so many times, so now kate loves red wine. She has gained alot of weight because of this if I’m going to be honest, like 4 dress sizes. She functions really well though, i mean i have gone round with my mum and shes drank us both under the table. Doesn’t really affect her that bad in terms of her behaviour. Kate is in a bad habit of drinking till hours of the morning, having to get up early to take her child to school and then sleeping till she needs to get up to collect her. Then does the same thing.. day in day out. She's got no energy to play with her child but she is a great mum and her child never goes without.

She's honestly the nicest person ever but i don't want her to be upset if i mention it. However alcohol is apart of her daily routine and it has been for 3 years now.. as a friend what do i say? or do I say anything at all?

YABU - its not my place
YANBU - i should say something

Can i just say that not playing with your child in the playground doesnt make you a bad parent. Or a drunk. Or hungover.
Disney performance parents in the park are not the whole story same as the seemingly distant mum on the bench.

Hopefully you will be a slim, sober, fun mum op and show alkie Kate how it's done.

Incidentally why dont you take advice from your mum who knows you and her better than strangers online trying to advise based on your half baked biased version of events?

The problem is you just don't know what a report to say Social Services will set off, if indeed they do anything- which is more than possible.

As for talking to your friend directly, this tends not to work. The heavy drinker does not see it as a problem.

As for a bottle of brandy a day- that is serious alcoholism.

If she drives she will be over the limit all the time- and a report to the police would be justified.

you sound like you have you're head screwed on and like you are achieving things in your life, you seem like a really caring person but you should be careful that people don't take advantage, friends don't see you as a cash cow or babysitter.

I hope you don't take this the won't way but even though this child obviously needs someone to intervene with her mum i think you should pass that responsibility over to her mother on the child's father because you don't have responsibilities and that's a lovely temporary thing, you should focus on friends who are more on your level, you quite honestly sound years ahead of this girl you have outgrown her.

Concentrate on friendships with people you can share things with that you should be enjoying now, friends you can go on holiday with, to gigs with, nights out with whatever is your thing. I don't want to come across as patronising but this is a great time to be selfish and it would be better for you to enjoy your own cash, plan things with it or just save it rather than topping up the people who should be learning to budget and putting nappies on their own kids.

I cannot believe this SS stuff.It us the first duty of the friend to express concern. SS are not there to deal with Mummies who drink too much.That would be just about everybody right now.

@randomer - you are minimising the extent of this woman's drinking and the fact that she is physically an addict. It would be dangerous for her to stop drinking on her own. Suggesting she is just a 'mummy who drinks, just like 'just about everybody' is unhelpful at best and actually dangerous at worst. Do not minimise the danger she is putting her daughter in on a daily basis. The child deserves better. Shame on you.

She definitely has a problem with alcohol and it will be having a detrimental effect on her kid. I think if you do talk to her about it do so from the angle that you are very worried about her rather than a confrontational “alcohol is making you a lousy mum” angle. It’s not a lie- you’re clearly concerned, I would be too. Hopefully she gets help to stop- I doubt she can do it by herself if she’s drinking as much as you say she seems to be. She’s probably drinking more than what you think she is.

Maybe PP are seeing things I'm not , I'm confused with this.

You say she drank a bottle of brandy a night -did you not have concerns then? I assume not as you drank with her. She hasn't worked for 1.5 years but you are only worrying about this now.

You don't actually say how much wine she is drinking. How do you know she is staying up late?

*Can i just say that not playing with your child in the playground doesnt make you a bad parent. Or a drunk. Or hungover.
Disney performance parents in the park are not the whole story same as the seemingly distant mum on the bench.

Hopefully you will be a slim, sober, fun mum op and show alkie Kate how it's done.*

No, but drinking vast quantities of alcohol all night, every night, taking your child to school then sleep all day does make you a bad parent, drunk and hungover. The post isn't about a mum sitting in the park while her child plays on the swings and OP speculating - she knows what's going on.

Still, clearly hit a nerve with you though. How dare people engage with their children? Must all be for show, no-one could actually enjoy playing with them! What are you drinking, bitter?

I cannot believe this SS stuff.It us the first duty of the friend to express concern. SS are not there to deal with Mummies who drink too much.That would be just about everybody right now.

The woman was previously drinking a bottle of brandy a night! SS are there to protect children.

And no, not everyone is drinking too much now, some people still have obligations and respect for their bodies.

As someone who has been the child in this situation, call SS. I'll never forgive the so called adults who did nothing for me and my siblings but just watched from the sidelines.

Alcoholism is a family disease and I have issues now from growing up in such a horrific, and abusive environment.

@Ohtherewearethen, don't tell me shame on me, you have no right to shame me. Who do you think you are?

Alcoholism is a serious and damaging state as is puffing on weed, messing about with cocaine and all the other behaviours people up and down the land are doing.
Alcohol use has spiraled out of countrol during the pandemic because people mistakenly use it is coping mechanism.
The OP is concerned for a friend and her child, she observes damaging behaviour and will speak to the friend.
Do you honestly think SS have the rescources to deal with this?

If she is a good friend, I think you should sit her down and tell her you are really worried about her drinking. A close friend did this with me. It didn’t have an immediate effect and I continued to drink, but the seed was sown and my increasingly problematic drinking wasn’t quite the secret I thought it was. Six months later, another friend talked to me about my drinking. Another few months, and it was my sister. Eventually I got help and am now sober.

I had to want to get sober and do the work. Nobody can do it for you and it’s nobody’s responsibility but the alcoholic’s. However, people close to me starting to notice my drinking and commenting with concern was massive for me. It chipped away at my delusion that my drinking was somehow OK and forced me to acknowledge my problem.

@Cam2020 I really don’t even know what stance you’re coming from here. Made it clear to the replies to others that she goes soft play and things..

@Cam2020

*Can i just say that not playing with your child in the playground doesnt make you a bad parent. Or a drunk. Or hungover. Disney performance parents in the park are not the whole story same as the seemingly distant mum on the bench.

Hopefully you will be a slim, sober, fun mum op and show alkie Kate how it's done.*

No, but drinking vast quantities of alcohol all night, every night, taking your child to school then sleep all day does make you a bad parent, drunk and hungover. The post isn't about a mum sitting in the park while her child plays on the swings and OP speculating - she knows what's going on.

Still, clearly hit a nerve with you though. How dare people engage with their children? Must all be for show, no-one could actually enjoy playing with them! What are you drinking, bitter?

She's a parent who needs help. The world is not good and bad.

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,sober almost 18years now,my Mother was an Alcoholic and drank herself to death,she never wanted to stop drinking.

People called me an Alcoholic to my face and behind my back for years before I stopped drinking,it wasn’t worth the breath leaving their bodies,I took no notice and carried on.I stopped when I had had enough.

You can mention it to your friend,but don’t expect her to take any notice.

Alcoholism is vile,it destroys everything and everybody in its path.

Plenty of help available for anyone who does want to stop drinking,even more now in these Covid days.