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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my friends an alcoholic.. isit my place to say anything?

91 replies

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 13:15

Let’s call my friend Kate.. I met Kate when we both got a job at a pub 3 years ago and we have been great friends since. Were both in our 20s.. she’s slightly older than me and has a child (which doesn’t mean anything just painting a picture as to why i am worried).

Right so, We both began drinking more when we began working at the pub.. my mum a few times, had to tell me 'its not everyday'. However it was a good time in our lives.. all young people working together, kind of became a thing. However, I speak to Kate everyday and where i work 60 hours at my new job, i just don't have the time for that anymore as much as i used to. Yet herself, she left the pub job to work somewhere because she was always late from being hungover and thought she would be fired. She got a new job but left after 1 month and has not worked for maybe 1.5 years now. I feel Kate is becoming content with the way she’s living but as a friend I’m worried. At the start she used to drink brandy, a bottle a night minimum.. never been a brandy girl so i would always bring my own drink + my tolerance is not the same, quarter bottle and I’m slurring lol. However, i have seen her taste for alcohol change so many times, so now kate loves red wine. She has gained alot of weight because of this if I’m going to be honest, like 4 dress sizes. She functions really well though, i mean i have gone round with my mum and shes drank us both under the table. Doesn’t really affect her that bad in terms of her behaviour. Kate is in a bad habit of drinking till hours of the morning, having to get up early to take her child to school and then sleeping till she needs to get up to collect her. Then does the same thing.. day in day out. She's got no energy to play with her child but she is a great mum and her child never goes without.

She's honestly the nicest person ever but i don't want her to be upset if i mention it. However alcohol is apart of her daily routine and it has been for 3 years now.. as a friend what do i say? or do I say anything at all?

YABU - its not my place
YANBU - i should say something

OP posts:

Original poster

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 15:47

@HollowTalk Yeah most likely £50 was worst when it was brandy but then she was working that was £28 a bottle plus mixer.

OP posts:

Original poster

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 15:50

@Labobo I LOVE what you have suggested!!! would've never thought of this! im certainly going to try this but ill be disappointed if she calls me laughing saying shes drinking.. cause i wont find it funny.

OP posts:

Original poster

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 15:52

@AmericanBulldog thats when she was working.. maybe thats why it went from brandy, to vodka, to rose, white & now red..

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 18/12/2020 15:52

she's just facetimed me right now with a glass of wine in her hand.

Where’s her child?

Quads4x4 · 18/12/2020 15:52

The dad is not that fantastic if he isnt looking after the children if she truly is a raging alcoholic.

If someone was buying me a treat or offering to bring something, id ask for wine too if i was drinking. Milk and biscuits cost very littlr, its the booze or flowers that feel like a treat.
As pp said stop offering and if you are a good friend you would tell her not post about it online where she might recognize herself.

Quads4x4 · 18/12/2020 15:55

@nimbuscloud

she's just facetimed me right now with a glass of wine in her hand.

Where’s her child?

Eye roll. Like nobody drinks around their children or you know she will definitely get drunk

borntohula · 18/12/2020 15:58

@Ohtherewearethen

She's not a great mum though, is she? Her child is suffering because of her drinking and it's only going to get worse. I think social services ought to be involved.

Why would SS get involved?

VinylDetective · 18/12/2020 16:03

@goose1964

She probably knows she's drinking too much,the only person who can change it is her. This year I lost a friend of over 40 years to alcoholism, he'd been an alcoholic as long as I knew him. In The Last few years he'd cut down on his drinking in public but he'd be in my sister's shop and she said he always stank of alcohol so I think he was drinking at home. When and if she decides to stop that's when she needs the support.

This. The only person who can beat her addiction is her. And she has to recognise that addiction and the damage it’s doing herself. Stop supplying her with alcohol, OP. That’s all you can do.

Ohtherewearethen · 18/12/2020 16:05

@borntohula - because alcoholics do not make great parents. There is a very real risk of neglect and harm coming to the child if the only person looking after them is passed out drunk. The mother could become very ill/choke on vomit/have a seizure and that would leave the child in a horrific situation. Do you honestly think it's acceptable for parents to drink that much every day while in sole charge of a child?!

Original poster

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 16:05

@Quads4x4 well i doubt out of all the millions in the country.. one would think this is about them. Also you could say the same to alot of people who post on here. If i thought something like this was something my friends enjoyed being on then maybe i wouldn't post it but it isn't so.. thanks for the advise but moving on.............. i have said she copes well with her alcohol in terms of behaviour and i also as a young person wanted some advise so quite frankly ill do what i want.

OP posts:

Couldbeouting77 · 18/12/2020 16:07

[quote Ohtherewearethen]@borntohula - because alcoholics do not make great parents. There is a very real risk of neglect and harm coming to the child if the only person looking after them is passed out drunk. The mother could become very ill/choke on vomit/have a seizure and that would leave the child in a horrific situation. Do you honestly think it's acceptable for parents to drink that much every day while in sole charge of a child?![/quote]
Not saying I think it's anything but I know first hand that SS won't necessarily become involved. Especially if the school hasn't raised concerns. 🤷‍♀️

ArtCatsPlants · 18/12/2020 16:07

I think you should say, 'not today!' when she next offers you a drink when you go round. Also, you must stop taking wine to her if she asks and as a PP said, say you meant food, teabags, milk etc.

Apart from that, I think you are a good friend and owe it to her and her child to say something, however it is NOT your responsibility to make her change. I have a friend who was an incredibly bad alcoholic - 2/3 bottles of vodka a day neat. God knows how he didn't die in the midst of that. He only changed when he wanted to. Alcoholics are incredibly skilled at lying and can wrap you up in their web of deceit. She might be a 'nice' girl but you owe it to her to tell her that to an observer it looks as though she has a serious problem with alcohol. That being said, be prepared for her to not like what you say, accuse you of not being a good friend and to distance herself from you. It's really hard OP but I think by asking for advice here you are showing that you care about her. Al-Anon is a good place to seek further advice.

Booboobibles · 18/12/2020 16:11

Not all parents play with their children very much and that’s not a terrible thing.

However, since having children I have never been drunk even if the kids have been with my parents. What if the child was ill or had an accident? If the mother is drunk then the child may as well be alone.

MaelyssQ · 18/12/2020 16:15

I'm sure she's aware she's drinking too much, but as soon as you start addressing this, her drinking in public will probably stop.

BUT...

One of my friends was a chaotic drinker throughout her 20's and while the rest of us were getting on with our careers, getting mortgages, travelling, starting families, she was still living the student life, drinking every day, having a can to chase away the hangover in the morning. She worked in the hospitality industry where she had unlimited access to alcohol whilst at work. She became a single parent with a little boy, his dad wasn't around, he'd been a holiday fling and wasn't interested in his son.

I confronted her about her drinking, I was worried about the effect on her health, I was concerned about her son and I knew her manager was aware - it wouldn't be long before she was in trouble at work.

She almost immediately stopped drinking. She would share facebook photos of herself out with friends and she would be holding a soft drink. If she came round for the evening, she would drink orange juice or coffee. What none of realised is that she was still drinking, but drinking secretly and topping up her soft drinks/coffee with vodka. So while we all naively thought she'd nailed it, she was descending deeper and deeper into alcoholism. Her life became more and more unruly and problematic. Her child was taken into foster care. She lost her job, she lost her driving licence, and eventually, she lost her life aged 41, all due to alcohol.

I wish I had done more to address the underlying cause for the drinking - why did she need to self-medicate with alcohol? What had happened to her to make her seek oblivion on a daily basis?

Whatup · 18/12/2020 16:15

Hungover people should not drive!

randomer · 18/12/2020 16:22

Can I humbly suggest that there may be soem middle ground between this shrill screaming for SS involvement and saying nothing.
If all Mums who drink too much and don't play continually with their children were reported , it would run into thousands.

If she is a friend, you owe it to her to be brave and say something. Clearly say you are concerned about her behaviour around alcohol and suggest support eg Smart recovery, your local alcohol services.

Original poster

deffoabitofme · 18/12/2020 16:25

@randomer I'll be real.. i didnt mean for it to come across as like shes a bad mum for not playing.. i have said to others.. she'll take her jumping and to the park and in door play areas of course! However yes, i will try!

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 18/12/2020 16:31

It's a tricky subject to broach. Can you do an intervention with a group of friends? The alternative is social services as she shouldn't be in charge of small kids when drunk.

randomer · 18/12/2020 16:36

Its brave to be real. It is also risky but I wish people had done it to me.

doctorhamster · 18/12/2020 16:39

Nothing you can say or do will stop an alcoholic drinking unfortunately op. If you speak to her she will either fly off the handle or agree with everything you say, and then do nothing and completely ignore it.

I think the child's dad needs to be made fully aware of what's going on, as does her school. The problem with alcoholics is that it escalates. She might be doing a good job of functioning relatively well at the moment, but it can spiral into not functioning at all alarmingly fast.

Welshwabbit · 18/12/2020 16:46

I have said something in a similar situation (no children involved). I think it did make the person stop and think about what they were doing, and indeed stop drinking for a while. But it was only temporary.

What I didn't realise then (and wish I had) is that you have absolutely no control over anyone else's drinking. It is only, as others have already said, if they really want to stop (often after reaching rock bottom for one reason or another) that they will - if they can, by that point. Many will just never get there. With hindsight, I think I would probably still do what I did then, but I would arm myself in advance with the resources to understand that I can't fix the situation and that all commenting can ever do is potentially trigger a reaction in the person. I was lucky enough to find online support part way through. I hear Al-Anon is a really good resource. If you do say something OP (and I'm not saying don't), you need to know that your friend may reject you as a result, and that even if she doesn't, any support you provide will tax you as well as her emotionally.

LaceyBetty · 18/12/2020 16:48

@randomer

Can I humbly suggest that there may be soem middle ground between this shrill screaming for SS involvement and saying nothing. If all Mums who drink too much and don't play continually with their children were reported , it would run into thousands.

This!

randomer · 18/12/2020 17:02

@doctorhamster,nobody knows how it will be received. There may a fair bit of denial,some burying if the issue but a seed will have been planted.

Wolfff · 18/12/2020 17:12

She is an addict. Her primary relationships is with alcohol. She will not admit she has a problem and will not listen to you. Please tell SS. If she is willing to seek help they can guide her towards it.

My father was an alcoholic and I had a fucking miserable childhood. He died when I was 17. This still affects me in my 50s. I wish someone had intervened.

onwheels · 18/12/2020 17:13

Dont help her with alcohol anymore.

Tell the father the child needs more care from him.

if that doesn't change, then call NSPCC or children charity for advice.

Then I'd contact social services.

Be prepared for you friend to be pissed off at you and end your friendship.

very tricky but it's a matter of the child's safety first of all and their wellbeing.

This dad should step up to care more.

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