I think my friends an alcoholic.. isit my place to say anything?

[deffoabitofme]

Let’s call my friend Kate.. I met Kate when we both got a job at a pub 3 years ago and we have been great friends since. Were both in our 20s.. she’s slightly older than me and has a child (which doesn’t mean anything just painting a picture as to why i am worried).

Right so, We both began drinking more when we began working at the pub.. my mum a few times, had to tell me 'its not everyday'. However it was a good time in our lives.. all young people working together, kind of became a thing. However, I speak to Kate everyday and where i work 60 hours at my new job, i just don't have the time for that anymore as much as i used to. Yet herself, she left the pub job to work somewhere because she was always late from being hungover and thought she would be fired. She got a new job but left after 1 month and has not worked for maybe 1.5 years now. I feel Kate is becoming content with the way she’s living but as a friend I’m worried. At the start she used to drink brandy, a bottle a night minimum.. never been a brandy girl so i would always bring my own drink + my tolerance is not the same, quarter bottle and I’m slurring lol. However, i have seen her taste for alcohol change so many times, so now kate loves red wine. She has gained alot of weight because of this if I’m going to be honest, like 4 dress sizes. She functions really well though, i mean i have gone round with my mum and shes drank us both under the table. Doesn’t really affect her that bad in terms of her behaviour. Kate is in a bad habit of drinking till hours of the morning, having to get up early to take her child to school and then sleeping till she needs to get up to collect her. Then does the same thing.. day in day out. She's got no energy to play with her child but she is a great mum and her child never goes without.

She's honestly the nicest person ever but i don't want her to be upset if i mention it. However alcohol is apart of her daily routine and it has been for 3 years now.. as a friend what do i say? or do I say anything at all?

YABU - its not my place
YANBU - i should say something

@HollowTalk yeah shes in debt and her credit score is below 100.

Stop enabling her and lending her money. She is not being a responsible parent. She is an alcoholic. Be a good friend and raise this issue with her, for her child's sake and for her own.

So let's say £50 pw on alcohol when she's living on benefits. Then there's the fact she's hungover every morning and doesn't do much with her child. If I were the dad I'd want the child living with me full time.

The dad isn't covering himself in glory either if he knows the situation.. Poor child.

[quote deffoabitofme]@DivebarI would agree about the money. I’m always borrowing her money or when I’m on the way I might say – ‘do you need anything’ as would to anyone because I earn quite a bit more than majority of my mates so don’t mind bringing a pack of nappies or some milk but its usually a bottle of wine. Or the other day I said I was coming around... she said that’s fine “and a bottle of wine would be nice, preferably Merlo” I don’t find it cheeky because I have been broke before too when we worked at the pub and she helped me out.[/quote]
Nappies? I thought the child was at school? Assuming the child doesn't have SEN that is unacceptable.

My friends an alcoholic

It won’t matter. They don’t matter. They don’t care. My friend was close to having her kids taken off her. She went to rehab. Got clean. Then when social services were off her back. Drank again

She won’t get help because her friend said. She’ll only get help when she wants too. Sad fact.

I barely see my friend now. If at all. I’ve known her for many years. But yeah. It’s sad. Not sure what you can do.

@3rdNamechange Yeah i guess your right. Majority people saying ss should be informed.. i think im going to try and bring it up to her when im round next and if i feel shes not responding, maybe thats gona have to be the only option.

@EmbarrassingMama Kinda refering to all my mates.. if i go around i would ask if they need anything as alot of them have had kids young but like im offering to her maybe she might need milk for her cereal in morn.. or toilet roll etc.. she just always wants wine.

Kate is a crap mother

[quote deffoabitofme]@EmbarrassingMama Kinda refering to all my mates.. if i go around i would ask if they need anything as alot of them have had kids young but like im offering to her maybe she might need milk for her cereal in morn.. or toilet roll etc.. she just always wants wine.[/quote]
Oh I see, thanks for clarifying.

Could you speak to the dad before going down the social services route?

@Beautifulbonnie I genuinely feel sad.. Its crazy when you see it happen in front of your eyes. She's such a lovely girl, wouldn't have anything bad to say about her other than this but this is such a big thing.

Nappies? I thought the child was at school? Assuming the child doesn't have SEN that is unacceptable. - I think the reference to nappies was in relation to the type of thing that the OP wouldn't generally mind bringing to any friend who asked - not to something she is specifically bringing to this friend?

She's going to kill herself drinking like that, either slowly through liver failure, or rapidly by falling down stairs. That will not be good for the child.

You really do need to give SS a call, or the NSPCC. You having a chat won’t help anything and could then backfire on you when you do call.

There is a small child here, they need to be the priority.

Maybe the shock of SS involvement will be the rock bottom your friend needs to change, or maybe not. But you do need to call them

Hi OP, it’s incredibly sad when someone you love is a problem drinker.
Has anyone suggested you contact Alanon Family Groups?

Alanon website

The most concerning thing in this whole situation is the adults that are failing her child. If dad is such an amazing parent why hasn't he taken the child away from the mum? Or is just an amazing day when it's his days, not 24/7. Why are you buying her alcohol, going round with your own mum and drinking with her? When she asks you for wine when you offer things you say to her 'no I meant milk,bread etc'
Think about that little girl before everybody else in this scenario

This is really tricky. At this point she probably doesnt have a lot of control about whether she drinks or not. Her body/ brain will be very uncomfortable once she sobers up to a certain level. It doesnt sound like much fun either - not living it up, is it? Being smashed in the house all the time.

I think you could speak to her mum first and see what she thinks. Then either you or mum find a nice time to speak to her (when she's relatively sober). Maybe stick to her health and leave the little girl out of it for the time being, if she gets guilty/ defensive it could make her worse.

I have an alcoholic friend- there's no kids involved so I just accept the situation and tell him to take vitamins and drink more water. Other than that I basically ignore it. Alcohol addiction is awful, and it infuriates me that it's so easy to buy and consume. And I like a drink! It's every bit as bad as heroin or crack but i guess the drinks industry just has too much sway with the government. It's just too easy to sleepwalk into a life-threatening addiction.

@EmbarrassingMama tbh they tried there relationship again last year because he loves her alot but eventually she told him to leave because she was like "he's always commenting on my life, i don't want him around'. Who knows that might have been because he commented on her drinking alot but i do know he has also once come around at night angry to say 'all you want to do is drink' (i wasn't there she told me over the phone) but she was like i don't know who he thinks he is. Maybe she told him she doesn't drink that much anymore & he takes their child Fri - sun or monday if hes going to drop her to school as he actually loves having her and would love to live with her full time.. so maybe he thinks its just at the weekend. I only know him through her.. so don't have his number or anything like that.

@peboh we've been friends 3 years.. im kinda refering to before i realised how bad it was, it was a laugh going around, mum loves her so when mum was down once i told her to come with. However i will put my hands up to the fact i should put my foot down and not buy when she asks me. Also when someone asks to lend money, im not the type to ask 'why do you need it' but maybe i should say im broke too.

@StartingOver2020 No but thank you! i will take a look now x

Kate has a serious problem and her child will be suffering. Please don’t ignore this or assume someone else will act.

There is a tendency for alcoholics to say (and to fool themselves into believing it): "Oh, but everybody drinks, don't they?"

Although when our friend said it, we had to point out to him that no, most people didn't drink three cans of lager for breakfast every day. He's dead now.

Would it work if you went at it from a different angle. Instead of commenting on the wine, ask if she will join you in a fitness pledge to raise money for something and do Dry Jan together. Make some really fancy mocktails and find some tasty non alcoholic drinks and have them together.

Or ask her to join you in doing C25K together. If you can involve her in something charitable or fitness focused she won't feel ashamed as the spotlight won't be on her drinking.

If she doesn’t work how is she funding a bottle of brandy a night?

@RickJames yeah she has a glass of wine to cure the hungover but then thats where the drinking starts everyday. I just think its like a habit now but like everytime i go round.. shes invented another cocktail. Its draining because i'm not that much of drinker and i just want to say.. LETS NOT TODAY! Maybe bringing up health could work.

also no word of a lie, she's just facetimed me right now with a glass of wine in her hand. hand in head i just don't know what to do anymore.