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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum died

117 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 18/12/2020 00:37

She was in a nursing home

Ivr seen her once in the past two months due to bastard COVID

It wasnt expected but it was iyswim

I cant believe shes gone

OP posts:

Bookworming · 18/12/2020 22:25

@TheoriginalLEM I understand xx

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 22/12/2020 21:32

I can't believe how much this hurts - our relationship was difficult really, but i kniw she loved me.

It is haunting me that she died away from home, away from me.

She will still be with the coroner and its killing me. I want to go and get her and take her home. I couldn't cope and i let her down.

She must have felt utterly abandoned

I dont think i can live with this. I am so fucking heartbroken - i loved her so much.

I thought id be relieved, her life was SHIT but i cant believe thays it, no more chances, i dont get the chance to put it right

OP posts:

Goonergirl14 · 22/12/2020 21:33

So sorry to hear that, must be so difficult

bloodywhitecat · 22/12/2020 21:35

You did not let her down, please believe that. She knew you loved her, I have worked with the dying and firmly believe that the person who is dying chooses their moment. You let no-one down

Passthebubbly · 22/12/2020 21:43

It is a pain like no other, I am so sorry for your loss xx

Passthebubbly · 22/12/2020 21:44

And you absolutely did not let her down, the grief is so raw and it’s a process you will work through ok your own time but you did not let her down x

FestiveFruitloop · 22/12/2020 21:46

So very sorry for your loss OP.

Friendnextdoor · 22/12/2020 21:48

So sorry for your loss. I lost my lovely mum in June - really suddenly & unexpectedly, she was only 53. I too felt enormous guilt, anger and my life is still filled with overwhelming sadness. But a friend wrote me a card which said "grief is just love, with nowhere to go." Which really resonated with me. My mum knew I loved her, and so did yours. Despite being very different circumstances I believe the grief is the same. I hope you find the strength to get through this most awful time and please feel free to PM me should you need to talk and offload.

Passthebubbly · 22/12/2020 21:49

@Friendnextdoor “grief is just love with nowhere to go” ❤️ Spot on

Rayn · 22/12/2020 21:58

My mum died a couple of months ago and it knocked me sideways. She had multiple health complaints but was only 70. They needed to do a post mortem and I did not want one. However I am now glad they did as she died of something unexpected and not what we thought. It did make me feel better as I know there was nothing I could have done. Big hugs and it is two months on. Still cry jut it's a little easier x

Rayn · 22/12/2020 21:59

Btw. I thought I would feel relieved as she was so poorly but I didn't. Our relationship was difficult and mixed up but I know she loved me and I her!

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 22/12/2020 22:02

Oh op I'm so sorry.
My dad died in similar circumstances, his mh had deteriorated due to dementia, he was aggressive and distressed. He got Covid and died with carers around. It was awful. Nobody he knew with him.

I thought I'd feel relieved as well but it's been hard. Yeah they're unwell and it might be the kindest thing for them, but it's still your mum/dad/nan. It hurts.
Grief is a funny old process, waves of sadness followed by laughing about the things they said it did. It's normal to have feelings of guilt or anger.
I watched funeral and hearse online as I couldn't attend the funeral, it was surreal. I still think I'll call him and he'll take an hour to answer the phone then spend ages telling me about the weather for the week ahead.

Give yourself some space to grieve, be upset, whatever you need.

Your mum sounds like a character, I've worked with older people and we love the feisty ones, they make the day go quicker.

Take care op x

Gobbeldegook · 22/12/2020 22:08

Hugs. Just lost my grandad too. I saw him the day he died but it wasn't him anymore. Before that is was march. Feel robbed of our last summer with him. Feel robbed of a propper goodbye. I don't want to wear the birthday gift he bought me cause I want to keep it forever but at the same time I want to wear it everyday because it reminds me of him.

He beat covid. He's beaten so much. He had an infection that lead to sepsis, and he refused treatment, but I think he died of broken hearted loneliness more than anything. But they wouldn't let us in the home.

SpudsandGravy · 22/12/2020 22:26

I'm very sorry to read this, OP

WhenPushComesToShove · 22/12/2020 22:41

So sorry for your loss. She is free. She lives in your heart now. With you forever. Love doesn't end

Badgerstmary · 23/12/2020 08:10

Oh op I’m so sorry. I lost my mum in May. The grief will be immense & sometimes in months to come bubble up unexpectedly. Look after yourself.

Dee1975 · 23/12/2020 08:11

Sorry for your loss op ♥️

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