Leaving 9 year old alone

[parentingquery]

I have work tomorrow. DP (DDs DF in case it changes things) has the day off with DD tomorrow. She is 9 and has been since sept. I have no idea if she is a mature 9 but she is sensible and appears to be more so than her friends.

Would she talk to a stranger... no.
Would she talk to a stranger with a puppy... probably.
Does she think if a stranger threatens her she can easily beat him... yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, the last few weeks, DP has been returning from the gym each morning as I leave for work. I wait for him to return and leave immediately. DP has just informed me that he won't be rushing home from the gym if she is still asleep tomorrow when I leave for work.

I asked what he meant and he said he would leave her sleeping and come back in his own time. Assume 30 mins to 1 hour Max but he didn't clarify at all. I did react a bit panicked and I think my reaction boosted his.

I asked what if she wakes up? Have you told her this? He said well that'll be my problem won't it. I said not if she burns the house down or something. I also said really it's on me as I am the one actively leaving her and I'm not comfortable with it. He said just forget about it in an annoyed tone. I asked if that meant he wasn't going to do it and he said just leave it.

I just went to go upstairs to see DD (do I mention it or not?) and I said well I need to know if I'm waiting for you or not. But it was as I passed him so he probably thinks it was a childish "last word".

In all likelihood she will sleep through and be completely unaware. She is not an early riser but that's not the point. I have thought about it while I'm nipping to the shop but never done it. My parents would have done it by now. I was out of sight for hours by this point but I am a self confessed helicopter parent.

Would you do it?

Poor. Could he not go to the gym really early before you go to work?

" l must say he is a great dad and is very supportive of me, especially over the last months where I have been made redundant then got a job I hated. I just sound like I'm protecting him but thought I would say that. I'm surprised at all this."

He really isn't a great dad, he locks his 9 year old DD in a car and wants to leave her home alone to go to the gym. This has made me so sad for your DD who should feel protected and safe with her father. He is putting his needs above hers and yours. He's not a nice person and I'm sorry you have to deal with this but you do HAVE to deal with this. Please don't leave her to wake up alone.

I don’t think I’m the only one on here suggesting that locking a 9 year old in a house on their own for an indefinite period of time without them knowing is neglectful and unsafe.

@SuperCaliFragalistic sorry meant to tag you in the above. I agree that this alone wouldn’t met the threshold for taking a child into care, it’s not what I was suggesting, but it is the type of thing that would be used to contribute to a picture of neglectful parenting if other things where going on. I’ve seen it myself in case notes.

As most people have said here anything can happen, the child who unexpectedly fainted (thank god the parents where there) people who got broken into at 7am when in this situation this 9 yo would be in the house by herself unaware the parents weren’t in. Anything could happen to a young girl in that situation. I would be quite surprised if anyone thought this was ok to leave a vulnerable child in this situation and I would think it’s the type of thing that’s worth flagging but I appreciate my judgement may be different to yours.

It depends on the child. My 10 year old will happily be left alone, he’d be more than happy to be alone all day tbh. He’s mature and sensible with bucket loads of common sense so I can trust him. Being alone doesn’t worry him at all, he knows what to do incase of a fire and knows how to make food for himself if he’s hungry. I had to leave him alone when I did the school run for 2 weeks last month because his class were isolating.

I couldn’t leave my 9 year old alone, she wouldn’t allow it. She gets anxious when we leave the car to pay for petrol so...

If you think she’d be ok with it then whatever. It’s doubtful anything bad would happen.

Thanks @tinierclanger and others with similar views!

You can't tell my relationship from this snippet of information, where he was being unreasonable.

Like I updated last night, we spoke to DD and more after the update through the night. She wasn't upset or bothered but happy that she was told. She woke up as I walked downstairs and said good bye. I said I wasn't going and daddy would be back anyway. She said ok and then we sat together til he was back. To be clear, she is locked in the car because she is too lazy to go into the shop.

I think over the next few days I will nip you the shop and se what she gets up to in the ten mins.

Ridiculous. My gym didn’t open until 6.30am and was too far away to get there and back in the morning before dh left for work. I didn’t go in the morning, I went in the evenings and searched high and low to find an option that worked better for you me. Now I go for the first class at 6am and I’m home for 7.15.

Currently we are both wfh but I need something that fits in when we are not. Your dh seems very selfish.

I know you weren't asking about the car / supermarket thing.... But I would leave the doors unlocked in case she needed to get out for any reason.

@beela you can get out of a locked car from the inside by simply opening the door unless that's been activated from the interior in some cars. A clock of the key only locks it from the outside

My 9 year old is the youngest of 4 so I am perhaps more lax with him. However I wouldn't do this. My 9 year old is quite mature and confident and in the year above your DD but would be worried if he woke up alone. Also, he has been making hot drinks safely for well over a year, but last week scalding himself accidentally. And after learning to make pancakes at cubs, decided to make and cook some of his own accord without checking first. The point being, you never know with 9 year olds!

Can you get out of a car from the inside if child safety lock is on, though all midnightstar66? That would be my only concern. A 9 y/o would be perfectly able to open the door and get out, unless the cs lock is on.

@midnightstar66 good point. It's been a long year week

I have a very sensible 9 yr old. We occasionally leave her alone while doing drop offs / pick ups for her sisters as she doesn’t appreciate being dragged around. Longest we’ve left her is maybe 1.5 hrs. She always has a means to contact us, knows where we are and when we’ll be back and not to cook or answer the door.

All this is prearranged though with her actively choosing to stay at home. Why can’t her dad just discuss it with her and see if she’s ok with it?

Longest we’ve left her is maybe 1.5 hrs

This seems like a really long time for a nine year old to me

Sorry just read your update. Glad it’s sorted :)

@formerbabe All kids are different - I know mine. she can easily spend that long in her room reading or crafting when we are in the house. She is always left with a phone and knows how to contact us. Respectfully, I was saying what we do not asking for feedback on my own parenting - which I’m pretty confident about.

@formerbabe

Longest we’ve left her is maybe 1.5 hrs

This seems like a really long time for a nine year old to me

Depends how long the child has been staying home alone for. First few times, then 1.5 hours is too long but if they're well used to staying home alone then its not that long at all. My 9 year old is fine for several hours now, longer than that and she would get fed up but 1.5 hours would go by before she even starts to get a little bored.

My 9 year old is fine for several hours now

several hours is way too long...9 is on the cusp of being ok to be left...some parents do, some don't. But I'm amazed that some who do leave them, leave them for hours.

No way, any child waking up to an empty house is cruel, and a 9 year old, what a prize dick, so he won’t be rushing home from the gym, gym more important than a child!

What the hell is wrong with the pair of you? She is a child and you should both put her first. Her father is a twat for thinking it's OK, and you are wholly irresponsible for hoping she won't wake up and freak out, to pacify him.

@formerbabe

My 9 year old is fine for several hours now

several hours is way too long...9 is on the cusp of being ok to be left...some parents do, some don't. But I'm amazed that some who do leave them, leave them for hours.

Its not if they're used to being home alone, after slowly building up to it. Obviously too long in the OP's situation, as a first time.