Leaving 9 year old alone

[parentingquery]

I have work tomorrow. DP (DDs DF in case it changes things) has the day off with DD tomorrow. She is 9 and has been since sept. I have no idea if she is a mature 9 but she is sensible and appears to be more so than her friends.

Would she talk to a stranger... no.
Would she talk to a stranger with a puppy... probably.
Does she think if a stranger threatens her she can easily beat him... yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, the last few weeks, DP has been returning from the gym each morning as I leave for work. I wait for him to return and leave immediately. DP has just informed me that he won't be rushing home from the gym if she is still asleep tomorrow when I leave for work.

I asked what he meant and he said he would leave her sleeping and come back in his own time. Assume 30 mins to 1 hour Max but he didn't clarify at all. I did react a bit panicked and I think my reaction boosted his.

I asked what if she wakes up? Have you told her this? He said well that'll be my problem won't it. I said not if she burns the house down or something. I also said really it's on me as I am the one actively leaving her and I'm not comfortable with it. He said just forget about it in an annoyed tone. I asked if that meant he wasn't going to do it and he said just leave it.

I just went to go upstairs to see DD (do I mention it or not?) and I said well I need to know if I'm waiting for you or not. But it was as I passed him so he probably thinks it was a childish "last word".

In all likelihood she will sleep through and be completely unaware. She is not an early riser but that's not the point. I have thought about it while I'm nipping to the shop but never done it. My parents would have done it by now. I was out of sight for hours by this point but I am a self confessed helicopter parent.

Would you do it?

DP has just informed me that he won't be rushing home from the gym if she is still asleep tomorrow when I leave for work.

How will he know if she's asleep when you leave? It sounds like you might have your get-out - text him to say she's awake, in time for him to get back!

No way. I’d never do that.

Update.

I just asked what he's going to do and he said he didn't know. I said either way she needs to be aware. Shall we talk to her about it. He said yes.

She said she would be scared if she didn't know but as she does know she would just call one of us and either speak to me and I said she should ask daddy how long he would be. She said that's fine and that she wasn't bothered. The only thing she was bothered about was the dog being locked away. It is indeed Sod's law that she would wake up.

He is an amazing dad. Usually. And mostly not a dick. I'm upset with this though. He has been locking her in the car while he nips into little tesco for some time. I disapprove and get nervous that she will get stolen. He says I'm overreacting. He seems to think the world is the same as when we grew up and thinks she should walk home from school next year (they are allowed by the school but I think no way) my boss' daughter used to walk home from 9.

I honestly thought I would be told I was overprotective.

You are married to a selfish jerk to be honest if he cant keep to the normal routine

Nope never. I have a 9 year old and would never do this, as sensible and mature as she is she is still 9.

He needs to get up earlier. He is looking after his DD tomorrow. That's what he's doing. Not going to the gym.

Is he a bit of an exercise addict? I ask because the only person I know who tried to justify this to themselves had an eating disorder and they were absolutely obsessive about exercise

No way.

To be fair there are no more child abductors now than 30/40/50 years ago, we just hear about them more often.

You'd let a 9 yr old wake up and find herself alone in the house, with no warning beforehand?

My 9 year old walks home from school (to a house with DH in it, but working).
He has been left alone at home, with his agreement, occasionally.
I wouldnt leave him sleeping, with or without his knowledge.

Definitely not without preparing her; it’d be awful for her to wake up home alone and not know where anyone is. I’d leave a 9 year old for 30 minutes as a bit of a test to see how they found it but not in the way he’s suggesting.

My dd is 9, 10 in February and I’m not a self confessed helicopter parent and i still wouldn’t do this. My dd is very mature and sensible but fires etc don’t tend to discriminate.

He is being extremely selfish.

He is BU and a dick.

Can’t he just stay home for one day? Why does he have to go to the gym that day? Ask him what’s more important - the gym or his daughter’s safety. If she woke up with no adults in the house then she’d be really worried and scared. Anything could happen to her, accidents happen and no one would know.

I think 9 is too young.

And TBH, I think a 9 year old is fine to be left (mostly) for around an hour as long as they are sensible- if there is no alternative. But in this case there is an alternative.

God. Hasn't he seen home alone? Why would you let your child wake up and find her parents missing?!

That said, I don't think leaving a 9 year old locked in a car while you nip into little Tesco is a problem.

"He seems to think the world is the same as when we grew up and thinks she should walk home from school next year (they are allowed by the school but I think no way)"

The world isn't the same but I'd think children sat in Tesco car park are probably less likely to be abducted than they were 40 years ago.

When do you plan to let her walk?

He does take his gym and diet seriously.

His gym doesn't open until 6.30 so he has been cutting it short for me, for months. He could have chosen a 24 hour gym but due to distance decided it wasn't going to work. At that point he also didn't know I would be working somewhere that is saying I can't work from home even though they are tier 3 (We are tier 2) and cutting his time short.

I just worry about her feelings and safety. My parents would also have left me asleep at this age. With warning. He's gone to bed. I'm not sure what's happening.

"His gym doesn't open until 6.30 so he has been cutting it short for me"

For you? You are going to work. Not on a jolly with your mates, or a hobby. You are working to earn money to support your family. He is putting his vanity or whatever the fuck is driving him above his daughter's safety and well-being.

He is being a dick. Is he resentful that he is wfh and you're not? I'm still struggling to figure out what is behind him being such a dick.

I think it was my reaction to it that set him off tbh. He must be feeling like I get my way a lot at the minute too so maybe as he feels strongly that it is ok, he wanted to push it.

He has mentioned it a few times recently so I think this was his test for her. Another time I may have agreed but as she would be asleep and I'd be so far away...

You think he’s using your child, and your understandable concern for her well-being against you because you’re getting your own way at the moment? If that’s true, you’ve got bigger problems than his gym obsession. That’s revolting.

@parentingquery

He does take his gym and diet seriously.

His gym doesn't open until 6.30 so he has been cutting it short for me, for months. He could have chosen a 24 hour gym but due to distance decided it wasn't going to work. At that point he also didn't know I would be working somewhere that is saying I can't work from home even though they are tier 3 (We are tier 2) and cutting his time short.

I just worry about her feelings and safety. My parents would also have left me asleep at this age. With warning. He's gone to bed. I'm not sure what's happening.

If he can’t forgo the gym for one day then he has an addiction. His DD’s safety should come first.

I've a just turned 9 year old, no way would I leave her in the house alone for more than 10-20 mins and she would be awake and aware.

My 9 year old walks home from school on his own but no way would I agree with what your DH is doing - he sounds like a horrible person.