Leaving 9 year old alone

[parentingquery]

I have work tomorrow. DP (DDs DF in case it changes things) has the day off with DD tomorrow. She is 9 and has been since sept. I have no idea if she is a mature 9 but she is sensible and appears to be more so than her friends.

Would she talk to a stranger... no.
Would she talk to a stranger with a puppy... probably.
Does she think if a stranger threatens her she can easily beat him... yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, the last few weeks, DP has been returning from the gym each morning as I leave for work. I wait for him to return and leave immediately. DP has just informed me that he won't be rushing home from the gym if she is still asleep tomorrow when I leave for work.

I asked what he meant and he said he would leave her sleeping and come back in his own time. Assume 30 mins to 1 hour Max but he didn't clarify at all. I did react a bit panicked and I think my reaction boosted his.

I asked what if she wakes up? Have you told her this? He said well that'll be my problem won't it. I said not if she burns the house down or something. I also said really it's on me as I am the one actively leaving her and I'm not comfortable with it. He said just forget about it in an annoyed tone. I asked if that meant he wasn't going to do it and he said just leave it.

I just went to go upstairs to see DD (do I mention it or not?) and I said well I need to know if I'm waiting for you or not. But it was as I passed him so he probably thinks it was a childish "last word".

In all likelihood she will sleep through and be completely unaware. She is not an early riser but that's not the point. I have thought about it while I'm nipping to the shop but never done it. My parents would have done it by now. I was out of sight for hours by this point but I am a self confessed helicopter parent.

Would you do it?

I think this is totally fine. It's not for long and she is 9, old enough to get up and watch tv and have breakfast completely safely.

@parentingquery

I must say he is a great dad and is very supportive of me, especially over the last months where I have been made redundant then got a job I hated. I just sound like I'm protecting him but thought I would say that. I'm surprised at all this.

A great dad who neglects his 9 year old daughter by leaving her on her own just so he can stay at the gym! Who is he trying to impress ?

It’s the gym, not his mother’s funeral. He is being a dick.

Why can’t he go in the evening instead? Or, you know, just compromise for the sake of his family ?

Ask yourself - would you ever do something like this? Be utterly selfish, stress out your partner and your child simply because you wanted to do some more leg lifts.

I have a 9 year old. I leave her home alone for short periods of time but she knows I'm gone, she can call me or her dad who lives nearby if she needs to, she is v sensible and wants to prove it so she doesn't do anything daft. I lock her in but make sure she has a spare key nearby in case of emergencies.

I leave her in the car in a supermarket car park for short periods.

She doesn't walk home from school yet but it is a longish walk. She walks to a friends house nearby sometimes.

You can't wrap them up in cotton wool but you have to build these things up gradually so just leaving her alone for the first time to wake up to an empty house is not ok because she will be scared. Start leaving her alone for short periods, make sure she knows how to contact you or which neighbours to knock on. Make sure she understands basic safety stuff.

I disagree with your DPs plan to just leave her but I also don't think he's being a controlling arsehole like some PP. I think it's time you start giving your DD some more freedom and responsibility in a safe way.

The world really isn't that different to when you grew up. There are bad people out there but they aren't all waiting for an opportunity to snatch a 9 year old. Things like that are very rare.

@Bamboo15

Are you for real? I feel so sad for your daughter that your parenting standards are so low you have to ask this question.

If your asking for views on how to parent, I’d say the general rule is that you follow the legal requirements of parenting as an absolute minimum when it comes to caring for your children. 101 is that you don’t leave a vulnerable child on their own, unless you don’t care what happens to them. Obviously thats the case here, from your partners point of view at least.

Just as a reality check....Would you not be concerned about someone reporting you to social services? I would report you, and you partner if you were my neighbours especially as this is likely to be the standard routine going forward.

Have you thought what would happen if her awful dad was delayed, broken down, got hit by a car and didn’t return for hours? Does she know your mobile number by heart to call you from to home phone? Would you leave the number out for her so she would know to call? Or reach the cupboards to get something to eat? How late back would he have to be before you realised she had been on her own for hours, sacred?

Would you actually lock her in the house when you left, or leave the house unlocked with her asleep inside - just out of interest?

Do you know how many houses get broken into this time of year at all hours of the day when people think its empty - what would your 9 year olds approach to managing that situation be?

I honestly thought people stopped doing this after Megan abduction.

Massive, massive overreaction. No way would this meet the threshold for social services.

Well how will he know if she's still asleep or when she will wake. Fwiw I've been leaving my 10 year old for 15 minutes in the mornings when I drop dd2 at breakfast club and head to work. She finishes getting ready and leaves, locks the door etc. This has been since august and she's risen to the occasion brilliantly, never been late. She happily stays home while I take dd1 to swimming or go for a hair cut etc however this is different. I don't think I'd go out and leave her asleep. Anything could happen when asleep. If the door went they could wake up confused and answer it, not be ready with the things practiced. What if a fire started and she was asleep she could wake up and have forgotten therefor totally panic. Also i think if it's the first time she's been left then that's too long a time. I'm all for giving them a bit of independence at this age if they are ready for it but start with 10 minutes and build up. An hour at the outset is too long and the asleep part makes it far worse to me.

Leaving a 9 year old for 30 minutes if they know about it in advance and are happy with it and you are very close by and can access your phone - ok. Leaving a 9 year old to wake up in an empty house with no warning - horrible.

However it's ok to leave her in the car with the doors locked when he goes to Tesco and she will be fine to walk to school (assuming it's not too far and there are no dangerous roads to cross)

Adding to your update - wake her before you leave. As above and lots have pointed out, leaving an awake and on board dc is very different to leaving an asleep one for all kinds of reasons. Most dc here walk home from age 8. School actively encourage this now to keep parents away from crowding at the school gates where possible. Dd1 (who just turned 11 this week so has been doing this since 10) collects dd7 and either waits for me at the park or starts walking home with her. She was walking home on her own since 9. She has a phone. I happily leave them in the car to pop to Tesco - that's not an issue to me at all. Used to just be for a quick pint of milk etc where I could park by the door of an express store but during lockdown I'd frequently leave them for a full shop (single parent so no one else to leave them with). I have 2 very confident, mature dc as a result but they've always been awake without exception. I'd never pop out once they were asleep.

I had to leave my sensible DD from 8 years on regularly at home alone. I think if the child is sensible, it is a great way to teach some independence. Not a popular view on MN where every child needs to be babied into adulthood because the world is a bad bad place these days. but each to their own.

You want to simply leave her alone whilst asleep , not even tell her you've left. No way. That's wrong . Poor girl 😔

Not without talking to her about it first and making sure she's comfortable with it. Making the rules clear and having a clear time frame - 30 minutes max for the first time being left alone.

@mooncakes

I'd leave a 9 year old awake for 30 minutes, but not asleep without knowing where you are.

This is exactly my stance (and I did leave my dc for 20-30 min at that age). Your dp's lack of clarity on timings etc is worrying and irresponsible.

Sorry, but hers being utterly selfish. She's to wake up in an empty house because he doesn't want to rush the gym? His daughter should take priority and he should be home before you leave.

oh, I missed the not telling her bit. That is totally unresponsible. speak to her and make sure she is happy with it all and give it a go.

that aside, your DP is a brat.

Yesterday I had to leave my 12 year old on her own to go to A&E because I was in massive pain with a stomach issue and felt desperate. It was 6.30am and her Dad wasn’t due back from work until about 9.30am. I know she is older but I still woke her up, got her to keep the phone near her and made her put the chain on the door when I left. I then texted her several times to check on her until her Dad was home. If she had woken up alone in the house without knowing why it would have been unacceptable and terrifying. Being pre-prepared is key here.

Jesus, your husband is a twat! She's 9 yrs old & he can go the gym ANY TIME! You can't leave a child that young asleep in a house alone!!!!! For any length of time.

No. No. No. Bad idea. Don't even contemplate.

My 9 year old would be absolutely panicked if he woke up and there was no one home. I'm not even sure what he would do, probably run round to a neighbours in his PJs (and probably lock himself out in the process).

It would be different if I popped to the shop while he was playing his xbox and he knew I was going and for how long (I havent actually done that but would be much more comfortable with it).

He’s a great dad? Keep saying that as much as you do and maybe you’ll believe it one day .
He sounds lazy and selfish.
Why can’t she get out of the car to go into the shops ? Bloody ridiculous.

Some massive overreaction on here. Yes of course it's not ok to leave her without her knowing it but the massive monstering of the DH is way over the top. Unless OP comes back with an update that he's thrown a massive sulk/done it anyway, it's just a misjudgement.

Fine to leave her in the car while he pops into the shops. Fine for her to walk home next year from school. Ok to leave her in the house for a short time if she's ok with it and knows about it.

Don't worry OP, it's hard every time you have to take a step back but children do gradually have to start to do things alone. You and your husband just need to agree and periodically review what you're all ok with it.

I have a 9 y old and whilst I have left him at home alone for up to an hour at a time in recent months I wouldn't leave him to get up in an empty house when he'd be expecting someone to be there. I think they have to know they're going to be left alone for a period of time so they can prepare themselves for it.

No I wouldn't at 9 yes old. My dd was very good and sensible but I only started leaving her alone at 11. Not for that length of time, maybe if I popped to the shop, a walk of 5 minutes, but not if I had to go anywhere in the car

I also agree that this is about showing you who's in charge. A lot of women thinking a man doing the odd thing to help them go to work means the man must be a fantastic dad usually. But they're not though, a fantastic dad also helps their dp go to work when all they've got in the way of actually helping them is a trip to the gym. Do a home workout ffs.

I have to have it out with my dh sometimes but that's normally us arguing about who's work has to come first now that all dc clubs are shut in our area and we're both working with no scope for annual leave and our 7yo is just left alone at home while we're here! And even then it's mainly out of stress for our jobs rather than actually thinking each other is less important.
Your dp needs to get a grip and help you imo.
Please do listen to some of the things on here I think it will help you think a bit more clearly about your boundaries and standards.

OP if you've posted it's because you're not comfortable leaving her.

I wouldn't , particularly this time of year. So many deliveries, knocks on the door. If she's home alone, that's not great at 9.

By the way , he isn't cutting his gym time short for you , just as he isn't helping or babysitting .
She's HIS child !
Prioritising the fucking gym over his 9 year old daughter is disgusting.