Leaving 9 year old alone

[parentingquery]

I have work tomorrow. DP (DDs DF in case it changes things) has the day off with DD tomorrow. She is 9 and has been since sept. I have no idea if she is a mature 9 but she is sensible and appears to be more so than her friends.

Would she talk to a stranger... no.
Would she talk to a stranger with a puppy... probably.
Does she think if a stranger threatens her she can easily beat him... yes 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, the last few weeks, DP has been returning from the gym each morning as I leave for work. I wait for him to return and leave immediately. DP has just informed me that he won't be rushing home from the gym if she is still asleep tomorrow when I leave for work.

I asked what he meant and he said he would leave her sleeping and come back in his own time. Assume 30 mins to 1 hour Max but he didn't clarify at all. I did react a bit panicked and I think my reaction boosted his.

I asked what if she wakes up? Have you told her this? He said well that'll be my problem won't it. I said not if she burns the house down or something. I also said really it's on me as I am the one actively leaving her and I'm not comfortable with it. He said just forget about it in an annoyed tone. I asked if that meant he wasn't going to do it and he said just leave it.

I just went to go upstairs to see DD (do I mention it or not?) and I said well I need to know if I'm waiting for you or not. But it was as I passed him so he probably thinks it was a childish "last word".

In all likelihood she will sleep through and be completely unaware. She is not an early riser but that's not the point. I have thought about it while I'm nipping to the shop but never done it. My parents would have done it by now. I was out of sight for hours by this point but I am a self confessed helicopter parent.

Would you do it?

Why can’t he skip gym for one day? His priorities are clearly all wrong.
The only time I’ve ever left my 9 year old alone was when I popped next door to grab some eggs!

He's wrong about this but you're wrong about her being in the car.

@parentingquery

He does take his gym and diet seriously.

His gym doesn't open until 6.30 so he has been cutting it short for me, for months. He could have chosen a 24 hour gym but due to distance decided it wasn't going to work. At that point he also didn't know I would be working somewhere that is saying I can't work from home even though they are tier 3 (We are tier 2) and cutting his time short.

I just worry about her feelings and safety. My parents would also have left me asleep at this age. With warning. He's gone to bed. I'm not sure what's happening.

Stop thinking he is cutting short for you. You are off to work and he has a DD he needs to take responsibility for his own decisions.

All I see here is someone who wants his own way, isnt prepared to compromise and puts it on you.

He has made the choice that a 24 hr gym doesnt work. You have to work. He should be back for his DD.

I have to say I dont like the idea of locking a 9 year old in car either

The world is the same as when you grew up op - children are abducted and get scared when left home alone.

You sound totally controlled by your dh. He gets to go to the fucking gun every morning yet he has to come home later, why? And why can't he take her into Tesco's when he goes?

Your poor little girl. In the blink of an eye she will be 18 and leaving home, then your husband be as self-obsessed as he likes.

I have a y6 child and wouldnt leave her!!!

I must say he is a great dad and is very supportive of me, especially over the last months where I have been made redundant then got a job I hated. I just sound like I'm protecting him but thought I would say that. I'm surprised at all this.

"I must say he is a great dad and is very supportive of me"

He's in a huff because his plan to potentially terrify the daughter that you feel is too young to even be left in the car alone has been challenged.

His only motivation is to please himself by spending more time in the gym he chose to join.

In what way is that being a good dad and supportive partner? It's not. He's a selfish prick. You "get your own way" too much? Wtf

Are you for real? I feel so sad for your daughter that your parenting standards are so low you have to ask this question.

If your asking for views on how to parent, I’d say the general rule is that you follow the legal requirements of parenting as an absolute minimum when it comes to caring for your children. 101 is that you don’t leave a vulnerable child on their own, unless you don’t care what happens to them. Obviously thats the case here, from your partners point of view at least.

Just as a reality check....Would you not be concerned about someone reporting you to social services? I would report you, and you partner if you were my neighbours especially as this is likely to be the standard routine going forward.

Have you thought what would happen if her awful dad was delayed, broken down, got hit by a car and didn’t return for hours? Does she know your mobile number by heart to call you from to home phone? Would you leave the number out for her so she would know to call? Or reach the cupboards to get something to eat? How late back would he have to be before you realised she had been on her own for hours, sacred?

Would you actually lock her in the house when you left, or leave the house unlocked with her asleep inside - just out of interest?

Do you know how many houses get broken into this time of year at all hours of the day when people think its empty - what would your 9 year olds approach to managing that situation be?

I honestly thought people stopped doing this after Megan abduction.

I think it's positively neglectful to leave a 9 year old first thing in the morning alone & asleep.
It's too young. Children of 9 don't have fully developed brains to be able to weigh up risk & how to cope in an emergency.
He isn't a great dad. He's prioritising his wants over her needs. It isn't work, it isn't essential, it's an indulgence he chooses. Why is that his instinct & not 'of course I am not going to leave my little girl alone in the house asleep.'
What if there was a fire.
What if she was unwell.
What if someone starts to note that he leaves at a certain time & she is alone in the house.
What if he is injured at the gym & she can't reach him.
What if, what if, what if...
She's a child & she's needs her parents to look after her.
I don't know how you can have left the situation unresolved.
I'd be fucking furious with him.
She just a little girl for fucks sake.

Please don’t leave her alone. We were broken in to by an intruder at 7 am not long ago and it was utterly terrifying. How on earth would she cope with something like that? It was very traumatic

Absolutely not. I'd leave my awake 9yo for up to 30 minutes with regular check ins and ground rules but not to wake up in an empty house for an undetermined amount of time

@FoxyTheFox

If she knew about it in advance and if it was only going to be for a short period (e.g., around 30 mins to an hour) and if she was happy to be left alone and sensible and if she had a means to contact me/DH if she needed then would consider it.

Without her prior knowledge and checking that she's happy with being left alone? Not a chance.

I agree with this. We are happy to leave our very sensible kids unattended for periods of time and even more so now eldest is 14, but it is completely and utterly dependent on the child.

Could I leave my 8yo alone? Yes. I'd have no concerns about his ability to stay safe for a while. Could I leave my 10yo DN? Hell no. Not a chance in hell and neither would DBro. Same goes for my best friend. She can't leave her kids even with their 17yo brother in the house.

Your husband is a twat!!!

But if he is going to do it then just tell your dd that she might be home alone for a bit in thr morning. She might love the idea. She is 9. She can make her own breakfast and watch some tv right. ..

What a class A wanker.

What the hell? You say you're not OK with it, yet you've spoken to your DD already and asked her if she would feel alright to be on her own. She has no concept at 9 of what the potential risks are and is likely to agree with her parents who she loves and trusts. It's not for her to give the go ahead.
If you're really not alright with it put your foot down. Tell him he must be back when you're due to leave for work. That's not controlling, it's good parenting. See what happens. If he isn't back then you'll know he's being a selfish arsehole but you do already. Be prepared to go in late to work if he doesn't return, both of you will have to deal with the fallout from that (don't tell him that bit because he may call your bluff).

Don't let him take risks with your DD that you're uncomfortable with, or before you know it he'll be leaving her for hours while he does his own thing and you're at work. That worrying thought must have crossed your mind.

Oh and you were right in your OP in saying that it would actually be on you as you'd be the one leaving her in an empty house. It's such a dick move on his part for so many reasons, say no. No one would think that unreasonable, but many think his idea is

I couldn't leave my 9 year old home alone. There are too many what ifs. Up to you though.

Definitely no. It's one thing to leave them in the car for 5 minutes while you pop into a shop, totally different to leave them alone for 30mins to an hour.

A 9 year old with a sibling a couple of years older, fine. On her own, no. It's too young.

No! Terrible idea! My almost 11 year old who enjoys being home alone for short periods would be very freaked out to wake up alone with no warning or explanation.

There's something about this that goes beyond selfishness and drifts more into the rather darker world of control

It's like he's fully gaslighting you

I wouldn’t do it my Dd never wakes before 7.35 has to have an alarm or we wake her.
She’s a very sensible 10yo y6 and walks home alone with a friend but we wouldn’t do this just yesterday morning she woke up at 5.45am very unusual went to the bathroom then fainted on the landing she was petrified and we were there I couldn’t imagine her going through that with no adult in the house

Why can’t he be a normal parent and go to the gym in the evening after you’re home? He’s a prat and hopefully your family won’t end up paying for his stupidity

I agree this is about him showing you who's boss.

Raise your standards!! He is a shit and neglectful father. It wouldn't even enter a good father's mind to do something like this. You are making excuses for him. Your daughter sounds like an inconvenience to what he wants to do, so he puts her safety after everything.
Unbelievable that you describe him as amazing.