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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell them?

85 replies

quebrantad · 15/12/2020 22:25

I'm new here and please no judgement!

When my first was born I was really struggling as I was a single mum with no family support and I was 22 so fairly young. I turned into an alcoholic and I even drank whilst I was meant to be looking after him (don't judge) and when his dad found out he did the right thing (I didn't think so at the time though) and took son off of me and got full custody of him. I got help etc and now I'm with my DH and have 3 DC's with him. Anyway a few months ago I found my son on Facebook and I sent a friend request and sent him a message he didn't want to know and blamed me for everything (his dad passed away which I didn't know about) and told me to leave him alone so I did. A couple of weeks later he messaged me and we texted abit and I met him and it went ok and we've messaged a few times since. He asked if he could meet DH and I agreed and we're meant to on Thursday. Ive just found out his grandparents dont know we've been meeting up ( he was saying they don't care about him and then he said they'd stop me from seeing him if they knew). Now I'm torn and don't know what to do I feel like they should know but I also think he's old enough to make his own decisions (18). DH said I should as they wouldn't be able to stop him from seeing me as he's an adult

Can I have advice please and I ask again don't judge

OP posts:

Chickenwing · 15/12/2020 22:26

No. I think its his responsibility if he wants to tell them. He is an adult.

ruby4ever · 15/12/2020 22:31

No don't decide for him. He's old enough. If he wants to tell them he will, you weren't in his life for 18 years so sorry to say you don't have much of a right to dictate to him. I think it's sad you didn't enquire about your child when you moved on married and had 3 dc.

Barkbark · 15/12/2020 22:37

@ruby4ever

How is that helpful ruby??

Op you should leave it up to your son to decide if his grandparents need to know, he might just want to get to know you first before he tells them. I hope it works out for you

Borderterrierpuppy · 15/12/2020 22:48

He is 18, definitely old enough to decide himself.
Good luck, I know a family where the first child was adopted ( unmarried teenagers at the time) they subsequently married and had 4 more. They all met as adults and get on very well.

MichelleScarn · 15/12/2020 22:58

Were you stopped by the court from having any contact?

Original poster

quebrantad · 15/12/2020 22:59

I thought about him alot and told DH about him. I definitely won't tell his grandparents as I don't want to break his trust as things are going okay at the minute

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2020 23:03

Not your place to tell them anything, no.

Does he know you’ve had 3 more children? Do they know about him?

I’m afraid asking people not to judge is quite naive.

Original poster

quebrantad · 15/12/2020 23:12

Yes, he knows I have 3 other children but they don't know about him as we're taking it slow and I'll have no idea how to tell them (they're 7, 5 and 2)

OP posts:

ellaraeloutoo · 16/12/2020 08:51

Hey , I've been in your situation before so no judging here ! Your not alone in that .
I'd most definitely not tell his gp, what he does at 18 is his choice , your relationship is with him not them , would be different if he was younger for sure . Why have u not told your children about him before? He may feel hurt that they don't know already but I'd make it clear to him that he wasn't a secret and your dh knew already . I think I'd sit down and explain to children they have an older sibling who lived with his dad , they don't need to know the ins and outs until they are older but the more they know younger the less of a big deal it will be when they find out older eg xx

Hugsgalore · 16/12/2020 09:00

Hi Op,

Well done for turning your life around. Its such a shame you have missed out on this boys life and he sounds really hurt. I'd not say anything either to the grandparents. He is 18 and able to make the decision on his own if he wants a relationship with you. I would tell the other children about him though and soon. It's important to remember he did nothing wrong here and his siblings need to know about him and meet him at some stage when you are all ready.

There must be a lot of hurt on his side that you never tried to maintain a relationship with him through the years.

Original poster

quebrantad · 16/12/2020 09:34

I haven't told my children before as I didn't know how to q. I will definitely tell them though

OP posts:

YoungScrappyHungry · 16/12/2020 09:39

My mum gave up a child for adoption in 1966. They made contact in 2008. He didn't tell his adoptive parents and to our knowledge never has.
It's not my mums or your place to tell them.

I'm sorry but I agree just saying 'don't judge' is very naive. If you were a father not seeing their child for 18 years you'd have your arse handed to you, and quite rightly.

Don't even think about telling his grandparents. It's not your decision and you sound like.you just want them to know for your own selfish reasons.

YoungScrappyHungry · 16/12/2020 09:40

Why did you not reach out before now? You had 3 other DC. You were clearly not an alcoholic anymore.

Nowaynl · 16/12/2020 09:43

Feel so sorry for him. Is there a reason you didn’t try to claw back some access when you resolved your problems with alcoholism? You have a 7 year old that’s all so guessing you have been sober for some time...

Newkitchen123 · 16/12/2020 09:44

Best of luck with your relationship with him.
Leave the grandparents for him to decide

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 09:46

You can’t drop him a second time. That would be beyond devastating and I actually can’t believe you’re considering it. You were the one who reached out to him.

It’s his choice as to tell his grandparents or not. Not yours. Just like it’s your decision as to tell your children or not. Not his.

Do the decent thing. Meet him as you agreed and tell your other kids.

Nore · 16/12/2020 09:51

Am I right in assuming that he lived with his father until his death, then lived with your ex’s parents, who don’t know what’s happening, and with whom he has a difficult relationship?

I think that this is a teenager who has had an incredibly difficult life, having lost both parents very young, and that the easiest way to screw up the fragile thing going on between you now would be to even suggest you know best about who he tells.

Nore · 16/12/2020 09:52

@Bluntness100

You can’t drop him a second time. That would be beyond devastating and I actually can’t believe you’re considering it. You were the one who reached out to him.

It’s his choice as to tell his grandparents or not. Not yours. Just like it’s your decision as to tell your children or not. Not his.

Do the decent thing. Meet him as you agreed and tell your other kids.

But the OP doesn’t say anywhere that she’s considering dropping her son again, does she?

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 09:54

Yes she does she says clearly she is torn and doesn’t know what to do, and her husband is telling her she should because the grandparents won’t know.

That is beyond clear she’s not sure if she should meet him.

CrotchBurn · 16/12/2020 09:55

I don't understand. What business is it if yours to decide for or against telling the grandparents?

Stop looking for drama. See him on Thursday. End of.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2020 10:02

@CrotchBurn

I don't understand. What business is it if yours to decide for or against telling the grandparents?

Stop looking for drama. See him on Thursday. End of.

Agree, it’s like looking for a reason.

This is your child. You reached out to him. He’s clearly had a tough life. You’ve agreed to meet him. Now go. Your husband is right.

It is not your place as a virtual stranger to decide if he should tell his grandparents or not. You lost that right a long time ago.

YoungScrappyHungry · 16/12/2020 10:03

@bluntness I read it as the OP didn't know what to do re: telling the GP's or not.

YoungScrappyHungry · 16/12/2020 10:04

It is not your place as a virtual stranger to decide if he should tell his grandparents or not. You lost that right a long time ago.

Agree with all of this though. Why did you just fuck off and not see him for 18 years? You've got a 7 year old ffs

Original poster

quebrantad · 16/12/2020 10:05

I'm not thinking about dropping him. And I wasn't going to tell them for my benefit but I'm not going to now. I didn't try and get access before as I didn't know how and then I knew he wouldn't want anything to do with me but then I found him on Facebook on the suggested people list so I sent him a friend request.

I will tell my other children

OP posts:

NotPrude · 16/12/2020 10:08

No, definitely don’t tell them. He’s an adult now and can make his own choices. You’re getting to know each other, so don’t cock it up by betraying his trust in you.

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