Should I tell them?

[quebrantad]

I'm new here and please no judgement!

When my first was born I was really struggling as I was a single mum with no family support and I was 22 so fairly young. I turned into an alcoholic and I even drank whilst I was meant to be looking after him (don't judge) and when his dad found out he did the right thing (I didn't think so at the time though) and took son off of me and got full custody of him. I got help etc and now I'm with my DH and have 3 DC's with him. Anyway a few months ago I found my son on Facebook and I sent a friend request and sent him a message he didn't want to know and blamed me for everything (his dad passed away which I didn't know about) and told me to leave him alone so I did. A couple of weeks later he messaged me and we texted abit and I met him and it went ok and we've messaged a few times since. He asked if he could meet DH and I agreed and we're meant to on Thursday. Ive just found out his grandparents dont know we've been meeting up ( he was saying they don't care about him and then he said they'd stop me from seeing him if they knew). Now I'm torn and don't know what to do I feel like they should know but I also think he's old enough to make his own decisions (18). DH said I should as they wouldn't be able to stop him from seeing me as he's an adult

Can I have advice please and I ask again don't judge

@Bluntness100

Yes she does she says clearly she is torn and doesn’t know what to do, and her husband is telling her she should because the grandparents won’t know.

That is beyond clear she’s not sure if she should meet him.

No, she’s saying she’s not sure whether she should go behind his back and tell his grandparents they’re seeing one another, which, as everyone has said, is a disastrous idea.

Actually, I’ve changed my mind slightly.

OP — I say this with no malice — it sounds to me as if even considering going behind his back to tell his grandparents while knowing he doesn’t want you to is your possibly unconscious way of sabotaging the relationship. If you tell his grandparents, it is very likely he won’t want to see you any more, and you don’t have to tell your younger children they have a brother you walked away from, and will be able to say to yourself ‘Well, I tried, and he walked away.’

My son is almost 18 and I cannot imagine not having been in his life all those years. You’ve missed out on pretty much everything.

I know you don’t want people to judge but it’s human nature to and you need to accept that you haven’t done enough to find him in the past. If it wasn’t for the chance suggestion on Facebook would you have even bothered

I’m glad you have turned your life around op and you should be proud of yourself for that however this young man is very likely troubled in some way. He’s had no mother growing up and his father has died.

This is your second chance. Grab it with both hands. Your other children are still very young so tell them about their “big brother” in an age appropriate way.

Please embrace this situation.
It’s not too late to build bridges and have a great relationship. I wish you both well.

@Nore
@Zoflorabore

Great posts

Thanks for your replies.

I wasn't thinking of telling them to sabotage our relationship. I will tell my other DC's

It isn't your place to make any decisions for him. I'm really unsure why you contacted him before your other children knew they had an older sibling.

I think you need to be very careful to never do anything impulsive with him. He can't have had an easy life and doesn't need a practical stranger making decisions for him.

I feel for what you have been through, but you moved on and had three children who have two parents. His experience has been very different and pretty heartbreaking.

You didn't even look for him, he just happened to pop up on suggested people?

This poor lad has had no mother, his father is dead, and his grandparents don't sound supportive.

You need to be very aware that you having not told your dc about him will be seen as a rejection, if it ever gets to the point of meeting them watching you parent them will be pretty awful for him too.

Listen to him, every word he says, including not wanting his grandparents to know, own your mistakes and don't defend them, and you really need to put him first.

I hope you manage to build a relationship with him.

There are no excuses for essentially dumping a child and never contacting him again. Even if the reasons he was removed in the beginning were understandable, you have a seven year old, so you’ve clearly not had issues for a very long time.

And you had stayed so removed from his life that you didn’t even know his father had died. How long ago did he die?

Also, at what point did you tell your DH about this child? Because given you never told your other children I somehow don’t imagine that you have been honest with him from the start either.

Everything here is on his terms. You are his mother in biological terms only, nothing more.

Why do you feel like his GPs should know? I dont understand. Hes 18, he can make his own decisions. If i were you i would just be so grateful he wants to meet me, its more than you deserve

His dad passed away a few years ago. I told DH about him a few weeks after we got into a relationship. I didn't tell my other children before I got into contact with him as they were very young

Don't ever say that to him, he was very young and didn't get the same consideration.

Tell you children in an age appropriate way if you plan to keep in contact with your eldest. I hope you realise that you can't walk away from him again now.

I might sound harsh but if you were male you would get youre arse handed to you. How as a mother (I was young mother myself) effectively abandon youre child, you've had problems however many parents have addictions try and maintain relationships with their children and the fact you've been sober met another man and had 3 children without so much as a backward glance is beyond me, you didn't even try and look for him.or get updates nothing you didn't even know who was his primary carer as his father died 3 years ago! You should of sort a relationship with youre first born when you got sober not after a marriage and 3 more dc. How long have you been sober for out of interest if you have a 7 year old is it around the 10 year mark?

He asked if he could meet DH and I agreed and we're meant to on Thursday. Ive just found out his grandparents dont know we've been meeting up. Now I'm torn and don't know what to do I feel like they should know but I also think he's old enough to make his own decisions (18). DH said I should as they wouldn't be able to stop him from seeing me as he's an adult

So this means your dh thinks you should tell them? Because it really reads to me like he was saying you should meet him. The use of the word “meant” to meet him indicates uncertainty.

Did you pay for him, send him birthday cards, Christmas presents?

And if he hadn’t happened back on to your radar were you ever actually planning to tell your children about him? Children are never too young to know about another sibling. The seven year old certainly isn’t, so why didn’t you tell him?

If your children had happened upon this lad when they were older then it’s entirely possible they would have disowned you as well. I certainly would if I found out my mum had a child she’d abandoned as if he never existed.

And tbh I think you have a bloody nerve asking not to be judged.

@quebrantad

His dad passed away a few years ago. I told DH about him a few weeks after we got into a relationship. I didn't tell my other children before I got into contact with him as they were very young

I find that genuinely horrifying, OP. Your teenage son was left essentially an orphan, with one parent dead and another completely absent from his life, to the point where she didn't even know her son's other parent had died and left him to the care of grandparents (especially grandparents he seems to have a difficult relationship with).

Yet this seems to be taking up less headspace for you than whether he should tell his grandparents you've reconnected. Isn't the horror of your child being parentless at such a young age eating you up with regrets?

I do feel guilty and have alot of regret. If I hadn't got back in contact with him I would've told my other children when they got older

The longer you leave it the worse it will be, they should grow up knowing about their brother.

They may grow up to completely resent your actions towards their sibling.

I don’t believe that. If you consider seven to be too young when exactly were you going to do it? Because there’s no way you could have told one with the expectation of not telling the others until you were ready for them to know.

As soon as you told one they would tell their siblings, and if seven is too young, by the time the youngest would be considered to be old enough the eldest would be a teenager and responsible for their own feelings on the matter...

He is an adult.
His relationship with his grandparents is nothing to do with you.

Well done for turning your life around.

He may have huge anger.

I would advise that you articulate your regret, grief and how you have always been thinking about him very very clearly and repeatedly.

He will most likely, and rightly have huge feelings of abandonment.

You being very vocal in your regret will help him.
Best of luck.

OP I don't think you should tell the grandparents OP as others have said you need to show him he can trust you.

I will add another voice though and say initially I think you did the right thing. For reasons I won't be specific about because it would be outing ,I had reason to have contact with specifically female addicts for a long time. Honestly it is sometimes the best thing while a mother is still drinking to not be in contact. I watched so very many children screwed up beyond belief by alcoholic mothers insisting on contact before they were in recovery. Anyone in addiction knows that active addiction behaviour is not about just drinking ,its about the manipulation , the self involvement , the narcissistic traits that so often come with it. Until the behaviours , not just the drinking has been dealt with ,its a dangerous place for a child to be near that.

Why you didn't go back afterwards is something only you can answer , but giving up custody rather than be drinking or in very early recovery is often the best thing you can do.

I am very aware many people will disagree but the sheer devastation I saw shows me how unutterably hard that situation is. You are responsible for it but you are also responsible for getting into recovery which it sounds like you have done.

I just wanted to recognise that for a second , whether I agree with staying away is irrelevant sometimes the initial separation is healthier than living with an alcoholic or a dry drunk mother.

The children won't necessarily resent not knowing.
I have a family member who was adopted. His birth mum came to find him when he must have been in his 50s. Her children were in their 40s and were only told then. They have a lovely relationship and have really accepted him as one of them.

My honest opinion is that I would speak to social services for advice and support because this will impact your 3 younger children.

If you wont do that then at the very least build a relationship with oldest son on his terms and make sure it is stable.o would honestly want a minimum of the equivalent of 1 meeting per week for 6 months. Then I'd talk to the younger children and explain you have another child. I wouldn't even ask them about meeting him. Give them 6 months to adjust. Then of they are willing do some short outings together where everyone can go off for space and drop in or out so it isn't intense.

But I would recommend social services who will have experience of this sort of situation.

@Shinyletsbebadguys
Not for 18 years though! And after she has had other children.

I didn't try and get access before as I didn't know how

Ah yes, of course.

As an aside, unless you have a lot of mutual friends on FB, he will only have come up on your suggested friends if he had been searching for you himself. It's how the algorithm works.

I would agree with everything @billy1966 said.