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Original poster

Should I tell them?

85 replies

quebrantad · 15/12/2020 22:25

I'm new here and please no judgement!

When my first was born I was really struggling as I was a single mum with no family support and I was 22 so fairly young. I turned into an alcoholic and I even drank whilst I was meant to be looking after him (don't judge) and when his dad found out he did the right thing (I didn't think so at the time though) and took son off of me and got full custody of him. I got help etc and now I'm with my DH and have 3 DC's with him. Anyway a few months ago I found my son on Facebook and I sent a friend request and sent him a message he didn't want to know and blamed me for everything (his dad passed away which I didn't know about) and told me to leave him alone so I did. A couple of weeks later he messaged me and we texted abit and I met him and it went ok and we've messaged a few times since. He asked if he could meet DH and I agreed and we're meant to on Thursday. Ive just found out his grandparents dont know we've been meeting up ( he was saying they don't care about him and then he said they'd stop me from seeing him if they knew). Now I'm torn and don't know what to do I feel like they should know but I also think he's old enough to make his own decisions (18). DH said I should as they wouldn't be able to stop him from seeing me as he's an adult

Can I have advice please and I ask again don't judge

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2020 13:58

But the OP isn’t in the throws of addiction now.She’s been sober for at least seven years, likely more, and has never bothered to find this child, presumably never paid maintenance for his upkeep, etc.

As for the other children, there is a difference between a child given up for adoption back in an age where many single pregnant women were expected to do so, and a child which has been left with his father and whose mother never even bothered to try and find him again.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 16/12/2020 14:01

[quote YoungScrappyHungry]@Shinyletsbebadguys
Not for 18 years though! And after she has had other children.

I didn't try and get access before as I didn't know how

Ah yes, of course. Hmm

As an aside, unless you have a lot of mutual friends on FB, he will only have come up on your suggested friends if he had been searching for you himself. It's how the algorithm works.[/quote]
I carefully worded my post and was clear about it being initially.

Ultimately what she did afterwards is for OP to live with. Her son to decide what he wants to do moving forward. Piling on the criticism won't bring back the last 18 years for anyone.

JoyousSealion · 16/12/2020 14:28

@Bluntness100

Yes she does she says clearly she is torn and doesn’t know what to do, and her husband is telling her she should because the grandparents won’t know.

That is beyond clear she’s not sure if she should meet him.

No, OP is having a dilemma about whether to tell the grandparents or not. They're saying that their husband things the grandparents should know, and that she is unsure about whether they should know / whether she should tell them. I agree that it's been a long time and there are questions like "why didn't you contact sooner", but nowhere at all did the OP state they were thinking about not seeing their Son. The only dilemma is whether to tell the grandparents.
ViciousJackdaw · 16/12/2020 14:42

I'm of the opinion that it was perhaps kinder for OP to leave well alone until her son was an adult. The child would have become even more confused and unsettled, the grandparents taking care of him would probably have got very defensive and OP needed to be off the sauce and mentally well. That takes time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2020 14:50

@ViciousJackdaw

I'm of the opinion that it was perhaps kinder for OP to leave well alone until her son was an adult. The child would have become even more confused and unsettled, the grandparents taking care of him would probably have got very defensive and OP needed to be off the sauce and mentally well. That takes time.
It’s been at least 8 years assuming she wasn’t drinking when pregnant with her second child. And meanwhile her older son’s father died and he’s had no parents because one was dead the other was happier leaving the past, and her son, behind her and off creating a new family.
ThirstyGhost · 16/12/2020 15:16

I would say definitely don't tell the GP. Your son is an adult now who can make his own decisions. Well done on turning your life around. I'm a recovering alcoholic and didn't get myself together until I was 40. I have a lot of admiration for those who turned it around when they were younger. I hope it goes well on Thursday.

Original poster
quebrantad · 16/12/2020 15:28

I don't want to tell my other children yet incase my son doesn't want to see them and I'm taking things slowly with him

OP posts:
lunar1 · 16/12/2020 16:36

What if he does want to meet them, you then have to admit he's been a secret all this time. They f you can't put the feelings of your eldest child above what you find easiest then you need to really question your motives for starting contact at this point.

Did you think it would be easy because he's an adult, or were you satisfying your curiosity. None of this seems to be about him.

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2020 19:02

I don't want to tell my other children yet incase my son doesn't want to see them and I'm taking things slowly with him and what if things don’t work between you and he decides to tell his siblings himself when they’re older. Only about another five or so years before your eldest will likely start going on to social media....

Even if you’d never met up you should still have told your children about him. He is their brother, this isn’t only your secret to keep...

Amira19 · 16/12/2020 19:18

You need to recognise you let this boy down in a mad way there is no excuses, you let him down a way and you need to own that.

Original poster
quebrantad · 16/12/2020 19:26

No I didn't think it would be easy but I don't want to tell DC's yet as it might seem like I'm doing things too quickly

OP posts:
TonberryDreams · 16/12/2020 19:31

You seem entirely concerned for your three younger dc and yet utterly uncaring of your eldest dc's feelings. Does he know you're keeping him as your 'dirty little secret'? Can you imagine how that might make him feel? That the parent who utterly abandoned him and then couldn't even be bothered to reach out until an internet site literally pushed him in front of you is now refusing to tell his brothers' that he even exists, to protect them? Please tell me you can at least see the staggering hypocrisy there? Have you actually admitted to yourself how much you let your own son down?

lunar1 · 16/12/2020 19:39

You should never have contacted him in the first place, you haven't thought it through, or prepared any kind of plan. You did this on a whim and it's only going to end badly for your poor son. He deserves better.

CutToChase · 16/12/2020 19:41

People are being extremely harsh and judgemental here.

OP, you came on asking about whether you should tell the grandparents. You shouldn't.

I hope you have a good reunion with your son.

MichelleScarn · 16/12/2020 19:41

@quebrantad

No I didn't think it would be easy but I don't want to tell DC's yet as it might seem like I'm doing things too quickly
Too quickly? Its been 18 years! I still don't understand how you not once in that time made any attempts to find out about how he was! I mean with each new pregnancy did you not think about him?
Original poster
quebrantad · 16/12/2020 19:51

I didn't contact him on a whim. And I did think about him alot

OP posts:
Amira19 · 16/12/2020 19:52

Today 19:41CutToChase

People are being extremely harsh and judgemental here

Say that to the 18 year old who realises he was abandoned by his mother in favour of a new husband and replaced with 3 shiny new dc. Whilst he suffered the lost of his only parent and now under the care of grandparents. I bet his life has been roseyHmm. If op was male he would have been roasted. As a mother I cant fathom how a mother can carry and give birth to a child then never see them for several years but go on to not have 1 but another 3 with a clear conscious having made zero attempt to have access.

CutToChase · 16/12/2020 19:54

@Amira19
Maybe she thought it was for the best that he didnt have contact with her?

Somersetlevel · 16/12/2020 19:58

@quebrantad

I don't want to tell my other children yet incase my son doesn't want to see them and I'm taking things slowly with him
That's irrelevant. Just do it. It doesn't matter -just do it.

Before you were born, mummy had a baby -his name is x. x would like to meet daddy and I and you.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/12/2020 20:03

I don’t see why it would matter if he wanted contact or not.

If you had brought them up knowing they had a brother out there somewhere and although you didn’t have contacted, you hoped you would one day, they would have accepted that as a fact. Now, the oldest is going to feel more confused and a bit like their world has been turned upside down.

Why does it matter if he doesn’t want to see them? Don’t they have a right to know anyway?

Amira19 · 16/12/2020 20:04

CutToChase of course its not for the best do you realise how damaging it is for kids to know their own mother the person who gave birth to them has abandoned them. No access no cards, birthdays, Christmases. Whats worse is she went on to have 3 dc with her dh.

Original poster
quebrantad · 16/12/2020 20:43

I just didn't want to rush things with him by telling DC's but I will tell them soon.i feel awful and I posted for advice but I'm mainly being judged and I already feel guilty and I did think about him alot

OP posts:
Amira19 · 16/12/2020 20:47

Its all about you ans being judged and youre feelings not of the poor boy who lost his mother and then lost his father who gave a damn. You didnt think of him enough to do something about it. If you think people are harsh on here you need to be prepared for his reaction when he meets you.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 16/12/2020 20:50

So sad that you let your son be taken away and that was that. You got sober why on earth didn't you go and at least get access? Why now, when he's 18 do you try to make contact? If he can forgive you, you will be one lucky woman, I'd grab him with both hands and never let him go again.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/12/2020 20:59

But he doesn’t need to know that you are telling them unless he asks if they know.

I can’t imagine how he feels being abandoned and then to hear that he is a secret too. That would be really shit.

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