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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and possible betrayal ... what do you think? AIBU?

76 replies

Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 18:18

I’ve just found out DH has been in contact with someone from our past that he knows I would have a bit of an issue with. It’s not so much that he’s been in touch with them, but that he’s hidden it from me for years.

There’s history, this person was family but isn’t anymore, think estranged brother in law. I’ve not been in touch but he has remained in touch and hidden it from me.

I don’t want to sound like a control freak, I’m not, he sees who he likes and when he likes, but it’s a bit different with this individual. I can’t say because it would be outing. The person did help my DH before and he claims that it was loyalty to them that made him stay in touch. What about loyalty to me? I feel betrayed.

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 15/12/2020 18:48

You appreciate that you sound like a control freak so say there are other details which you can’t say as they would be outing - so YABU for this

FestiveChristmasLights · 15/12/2020 18:51

he sees who he likes and when he likes, but it’s a bit different with this individual

So he doesn’t see who he likes then.

I think need to either give the full reasons or else YABU.

BigBadVoodooHat · 15/12/2020 18:53

It’s impossible to say if YABU without knowing what this person did to make them so unacceptable to you. Though it sounds like you have a lot more than a ‘bit of an issue’ 🤷‍♀️

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/12/2020 19:09

I can see where you are coming from. None of us know the exact situation with this person so it's difficult to say. My first husband was horrifically abusive in every way you can imagine. After it ended my brother still kept going to see him for many years. The only reason was that he wanted a place to drink alcohol. This felt like a huge betrayal to me, he knows what my ex did and he still went around. He has stopped now but it hurt.

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:17

The person hasn’t done anything horrific to me or us, they’re just a part of the past and that is best left there in my opinion. I don’t want to have any contact with them, and I thought DH felt the same (of his own choice).
That’s not the case and he’s lied about having contact.

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 15/12/2020 20:20

If the person hasn't done anything then you need to get over yourself........he's felt the need to keep this a secret because of the way you react. You need to work on changing your behaviour instead of worrying about your dps friendships.

beavisandbutthead · 15/12/2020 20:20

I suppose for me it is the blatant deceit by your DH that is the issue here. He has purposely lied for years. If he is able to lie for years about that what else could he lie about. Would be an issue for trust for me

BigBadVoodooHat · 15/12/2020 20:27

@Ilovedollyparton

The person hasn’t done anything horrific to me or us, they’re just a part of the past and that is best left there in my opinion. I don’t want to have any contact with them, and I thought DH felt the same (of his own choice). That’s not the case and he’s lied about having contact.
In the light of this, it does sound unpleasant and controlling behaviour on your part.

Someone hasn't actually done anything negative to you, but you've decided that they're in your past and you don't want any contact with them, and you've unilaterally decided this applies to your DH even though said person has helped him in the past?

Your DH lies about having contact with them because you're unreasonable and dictatorial. He hasn't 'betrayed' you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2020 20:29

I find the lying about staying in touch disturbing, but most likely less than your insistence that staying in touch is a betrayal of you (since you say the person hasn't done anything horrific to you). So the not telling you seems less unreasonable. There may be particular circumstances that would change the balance there, it's a judgement. If you aren't prepared to go into details then can't judge fully, but on the details you give, YABU more than your DH.

BigBadVoodooHat · 15/12/2020 20:29

Hang on, is the aforementioned persona non grata called 'Jolene'?

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:31

@BigBadVoodooHat haha! No but should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:32

I didn’t unilaterally decide, where does it say that? We both agreed, or at least he agreed to my face and lied behind my back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:34

So I’m a dictator and he’s lied to me and that’s ok? Ok then.

OP posts:
Mintlegs · 15/12/2020 20:35

He can choose to keep in contact with whoever based on what you have said. The issue is the lying and deception, is this because he knew you would react like this?

DefrostingBuble · 15/12/2020 20:36

I dont understand people who ask for a opinion then get defensive when people don’t agree?!

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:38

I just don’t think it’s a case that I’m a dictator.
I’ve asked in AIBU so don’t expect complete
Agreement but I think to stick the knife on quite so bad is a bit unnecessary.

OP posts:
MrDarcyismines · 15/12/2020 20:42

So it wasn't mutually agreed that neither of you would go NC? Just you "thought" he was in agreement with you?

It's not betrayal at all because he never agreed or made a promise to you.

FunTimes2020 · 15/12/2020 20:43

Is/was this person on your or DH side of the fsmily? That would make a difference to me.

Giraffey1 · 15/12/2020 20:43

Perhaps he felt that you would cross if he changed his mind about contact. He appears to be right. Although you have given so little information, it is hard to know what is going on.

Why can you not both just have an adult conversation about things?

ScalpHelp · 15/12/2020 20:45

Unless you provide further information this does not constitute “betrayal!” Sounds very dramatic on your part and it does come across as controlling.

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:46

I didn’t just think he wasn’t in agreement, we have had discussions about it in the past and more recently where he openly lied that he wasn’t in contact.

Yes person was in his side Of the family. Not a blood relative, by marriage only. Not any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:47

Sorry I’m on my phone - typos.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 15/12/2020 20:48

It’s completely dependant on the train you believe this person should be cut off, is it an ex BIL who battered your sister? his ex high school gf? your best friends exDH who cheated on her?
More info is needed and I doubt it’s that unique that it’d be outing.

Swingometer · 15/12/2020 20:48

It's really hard to know if YABU without knowing the circumstances which led this person being excommunicated from your lives

Assuming it's as simple as this person being previously married to a member of your family then if they were previously mates then I can see why he didn't want to cut off his friend

Ideally he should have been open about maintening contact from the start rather than pretending to agree with you

LilyLongJohn · 15/12/2020 20:48

My issue would be the lying. I think it's neither 'here nor there' about why you're no contact, but if he's been telling you he's not been seeing this person and has been, then I'd have an issue