Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and possible betrayal ... what do you think? AIBU?

76 replies

Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 18:18

I’ve just found out DH has been in contact with someone from our past that he knows I would have a bit of an issue with. It’s not so much that he’s been in touch with them, but that he’s hidden it from me for years.

There’s history, this person was family but isn’t anymore, think estranged brother in law. I’ve not been in touch but he has remained in touch and hidden it from me.

I don’t want to sound like a control freak, I’m not, he sees who he likes and when he likes, but it’s a bit different with this individual. I can’t say because it would be outing. The person did help my DH before and he claims that it was loyalty to them that made him stay in touch. What about loyalty to me? I feel betrayed.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 15/12/2020 20:48

*reason not train

Nicknacky · 15/12/2020 20:49

So what would have your reaction have been if he had told you he wanted to get in touch with this person?

Be honest.

june2007 · 15/12/2020 20:49

It was wrong to lie, but I think I can see why he did, he can keep in contaact with who ever he chooses. And perhaps he lied because he knew you would be upset. (and it seems thats correct.)

waitinggame108 · 15/12/2020 20:51

@Ilovedollyparton

I didn’t just think he wasn’t in agreement, we have had discussions about it in the past and more recently where he openly lied that he wasn’t in contact.

Yes person was in his side Of the family. Not a blood relative, by marriage only. Not any more.

Is it his ex wife's brother?
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:53

If he’d told me I probably wouldn’t have liked it - just being honest. I wouldn’t have stopped him because I’m not an obsessive control freak and he wouldn’t have taken anynotice If I had tried to stop him.

I’m more bothered about the lying. He said he was no contact just as I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 20:56

No he doesn’t have an ex wife (yet). That was meant to be lighthearted before I get accused of bullying him.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 15/12/2020 21:03

So why do you think he did lie to you ?

lyralalala · 15/12/2020 21:04

It's absolutely impossible to comment on the NC part without the context. A nice guy who was married to his/your sister and they happened to drift apart - not an issue for him to disagree with your 'past is best left in the past'. A guy who was abusive to his/your sister, was hideously cruel and is a disgusting person - says something about his character that he's willing to be friends with such a man.

The lying is the issue. To lie to your face repeatedly over years is a big problem.

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:09

I don’t know why he’s lied. I’m now worried he lies about other things too, though not sure what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:11

The person is a woman. She hasn’t been horribly abusive and I’m not worried about a sex thing.

OP posts:
FawnDrench · 15/12/2020 21:11

You haven't said how you found out - how have you discovered that this person has suddenly "reappeared" when they haven't been actively part of your lives (as far as you were aware) for years?

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 21:13

You cannot bar people from other people's lives. From what you've said you are displaying controlling behaviour.

cherrypie790 · 15/12/2020 21:15

I think I'd have an issue with DH being in contact with someone that he knew would upset me.

It's not really relevant about who/why/where, more of a deep rooted trust thing. I get you, OP.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2020 21:16

His lying to you initially about going NC or changing his mind and not telling you/pretending otherwise is an issue.

To me the question is - did he do this because he always just tells you what you want to hear to shut you up, or did he do it because if he had said he doesn't mind you going nc but he's going to stay in touch, then you would have gone on and on about it and he'd have felt like you wouldn't respect his decision?

Unsure33 · 15/12/2020 21:16

Yes it must be difficult. But if he knew you just might be angry but then move on. It just seems strange. Perhaps he meant to tell you then it got out of hand ?

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:17

I’m not barring him, we had an adult conversation where I thought we agreed. Honestly If he felt strongly about someone and asked me in a non controlling way to not actively contact them I wouldn’t, and I’m no wallflower.

If I said how I found out that would be horribly outing. I wasn’t sneaking around though.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2020 21:21

Did he openly lie? Or just not mention?

The latter is cowardly. The former more concerning as it shows potential to lie to your face. Ime.

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:25

He openly lied. I asked him a couple of years ago as something happened that brought them to mind and he said, no he’d had no contact. Then recently it became very obvious that he was in contact and although he tried to avoid it, he knew I knew.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2020 21:25

Honestly If he felt strongly about someone and asked me in a non controlling way to not actively contact

How can you ask someone not to contact a member of their family who hasn't done anything harmful to you "in a non controlling way"?

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:25

Because they’re not a member of his family?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 15/12/2020 21:28

@Ilovedollyparton

Because they’re not a member of his family?
People are allowed to be friends with non-relatives. Or ex relatives
BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2020 21:28

The fact the marriage that made them relatives no longer exists doesn't make the nature of the request less controlling.

lyralalala · 15/12/2020 21:29

And if someone is a member of family for a long time they can still feel like family

Addicted2LoveIsland · 15/12/2020 21:30

God I thought the person was going to be linked to your side of the family the way you were speaking about it.

Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:31

It’s the lying I have the issue with more than the friendship (which I don’t like much but would get used to).

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread