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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and possible betrayal ... what do you think? AIBU?

76 replies

Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 18:18

I’ve just found out DH has been in contact with someone from our past that he knows I would have a bit of an issue with. It’s not so much that he’s been in touch with them, but that he’s hidden it from me for years.

There’s history, this person was family but isn’t anymore, think estranged brother in law. I’ve not been in touch but he has remained in touch and hidden it from me.

I don’t want to sound like a control freak, I’m not, he sees who he likes and when he likes, but it’s a bit different with this individual. I can’t say because it would be outing. The person did help my DH before and he claims that it was loyalty to them that made him stay in touch. What about loyalty to me? I feel betrayed.

OP posts:
Vinnipeg · 15/12/2020 21:32

Maybe he agreed in principle that there was no need to maintain contact, but was contacted by her and didnt want to be rude?

I really don't get what business it is of yours though.

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2020 21:33

Oh dear. He openly lied. I'd be very concerned. It becomes very hard to trust someone you know is a liar.

I found it impossible to move past it. But I'm sure its possible to work through it - for some people.

Mydogmylife · 15/12/2020 21:34

@Ilovedollyparton

Because they’re not a member of his family?
But that doesn't make any difference surely?
Original poster
Ilovedollyparton · 15/12/2020 21:34

This is turning into a silly MN thread where everything is either abusive or controlling.
Someone is asked to go the shop for their partner, that’s a financially controlling abusive act LTB. Everyone is free to go to the shop if they want to, shop lives matter.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 15/12/2020 21:35

@Ilovedollyparton

This is turning into a silly MN thread where everything is either abusive or controlling. Someone is asked to go the shop for their partner, that’s a financially controlling abusive act LTB. Everyone is free to go to the shop if they want to, shop lives matter.
Minimising controlling or abusive behaviour doesn’t make you seem any better
strugglingtomakesenseofitall · 15/12/2020 21:37

Agree the reactions on this thread are OTT

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 15/12/2020 21:45

I'd be upset about the lies but in this scenario, I'd also be concerned about why they couldn't tell me the truth.

I think people rarely lie about things like this to spare someone else's feelings, but rather so they don't have to deal with someone else's feelings. So I'd certainly want to know why he felt your reaction was worth lying about to avoid.

Parkperson · 15/12/2020 21:49

From the little information the OP gives, she is being very controlling. If a man made it clear that his wife should not see a friend or family member, he would be seen as controlling and she would be told to LTB.
It sounds as if your husband is afraid of your reaction and so has kept his friendship secret. You should be concerned about why he feels he cannot be honest with you.
If you made it clear that you have no problem with the friendship, he would no longer have to lie to you.
Problem solved.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/12/2020 21:50

It surely isn’t outing to state the relationship between them, millions of people on here must know someone with the same relationship! It is very hard to comment without knowing why you don’t want him to have contact, and yet he does want to.
Why don’t you explain why you don’t want him to be in touch with this woman he obviously is fond of, and who you say has not done anything bad to either of you ?

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/12/2020 22:03

Sometimes people lie not out of malice but for the sake of an easy life. Sometimes "I thought we agreed" doesn't mean a mutual discussion but one person laying down their expectations and the other choosing not to get into a fight over it. Of course, you are completely reasonable because you keep telling us you are so how could you not be?

waterproofed · 15/12/2020 22:09

@Ilovedollyparton Shop lives matter? WTF?! YABVU

MichelleScarn · 15/12/2020 22:09

@Ilovedollyparton

The person is a woman. She hasn’t been horribly abusive and I’m not worried about a sex thing.
Is it his brothers ex then?
TheWichitaWineOne · 15/12/2020 22:13

We both agreed, or at least he agreed to my face and lied behind my back

Sorry you've had a bunch of twattish replies OP. I don't really need to paw over the details (and I understand you not wanting to post chapter and verse) ^^ this is the salient issue, in my view.

He lied, he got busted. It's how he deals with that now and how content you are with his reasons. Only you know whether he's basically a good egg who fucked up or not.

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2020 22:16

Agree with all this
He lied, he got busted. It's how he deals with that now and how content you are with his reasons.

TatianaBis · 15/12/2020 22:17

Why did you want this person out of your life OP?

Nowaynl · 15/12/2020 22:18

Difficult to say without knowing full context. You say this person didn’t hurt either of you so it’s just a case of having a rift and DH has decided he still wants to be friends with this person? I can’t really see much of an issue with that. Probably didn’t tell you because he knew you’d fly off the handle.

BMW6 · 15/12/2020 22:23

Well ask him why he lied to you!

Sweettea1 · 15/12/2020 22:30

So its a ex Inlaw you say they never done anything terrible so why can't he speak to him maybe he husband knows you didn't want him to speak with him an thats why he never told you. Leave him to have his mate doesn't mean you need to speak to him or see him.

WhenAWrenVisits · 15/12/2020 22:30

Why was he scared to tell you that he was in contact? Do you have form for over reacting? He obviously thought it would be more hassle than it was worth to discuss it with you. You do sound like you are trying to control him now. If you’re genuinely not trying to control him then just tell him that you don’t mind who he sees and that you prefer more honesty from him in future.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 22:31

Sounds like he is afraid of your reaction when he goes against your wishes so he lies to keep the peace. Not a very healthy relationship I'd say

ClickandForget · 15/12/2020 23:07

If he felt strongly about someone and asked me in a non controlling way to not actively contact them I wouldn’t, and I’m no wallflower

Is there a non controlling way to ask someone not to contact what is obviously a friend of theirs?

TenShortStories · 15/12/2020 23:19

OP, I can use the details you've given to imagine a scenario where you are controlling and unreasonable, and another one where he is sneaky and deceptive. We really can't tell.

It all comes down to why this came about it the first place and what the conversations between you and husband were like. I do agree that lying is a big problem in a marriage, but sometimes there's a bigger problem that pushed the person to lying, and that's what really needs to be addressed (abuse would be an example, but not saying you've been abusive here).

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 15/12/2020 23:23

YABVU OP. You sound very controlling. I cannot stand my partners mate but I haven't banned them from contact. Think you need to look at yourself to fix the problem.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2020 01:04

There's not enough context to judge.

It's a female former member of your DH's family that apparently your DH was close to at one time. So likely either a former SiL or a former step-mum or step-sister. She didn't do anything horribly abusive. This is just a case of you believing that 'the past is the past'.

Based on that I think you're being unreasonable to expect him to just cut this person out of his life simply because you want to cut them out of yours. Lying about it is wrong though. He should have just told you that you were free to do as you chose but that he intended to stay in touch with her, as a friend.

Is there a reason you can think of that he didn't feel comfortable saying that to you? Is there more to the story, like she told you off about something or there is something about her that your DH doesn't know? Is anyone else in his family still in contact with this woman?

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/12/2020 01:23

His reasonableness in lying to you about his contact depends on how reasonable you would be with him telling you he was maintaining contact even though you want him to cut it.

Your responses to the questions about and comments about asking a partner not to talk to someone they want to talk to make you sound like you could be unreasonable about it.

But obviously we can't really tell from a post like this on a forum. Ultimately you need to talk to him about why he lied to you and try and be honest with yourself about a) how you might have reacted to him not doing what you wanted him to and b) how he might reasonable have thought you might react.