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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my husband too laid back or am I unreasonable

101 replies

Skyler232 · 14/12/2020 18:42

I need your help to decide if I am being unreasonable or is my husband really is too laid back!

We've been together for 3 years now and most of the time I take care of the "admin" part of our household - I ensure bills are paid, I book holidays, I ensure all our documents are in order, I order food, I follow if the cat has gone to the vet recently etc etc you get my point. I have to be the admin because that way I know things get done, otherwise if I leave it with my husband he literally just ignores it. He says he doesn't like taking care of such things, he finds them "confusing" and "mundane".

At the beginning of our relationship when we moved in together, all bills were in his name (I moved into his rented flat) and he claimed it was all paid and it's all good so I trusted him. That is until he got a letter from a County Court which I immediately recognized because I work with vulnerable people and they often bring these to my office to ask for help. Until then I had never opened his post but when I saw a CCJ, I opened the letter. I know, I'm horrible but I got worried and it turned out he had been ignoring payment request for the electric and water bills for nearly a year!!! I confronted him and he said "oh well I thought it was fine". He paid it immediately but now he has a CCJ against his name because of his stupidity! I took over the bills management from then onward.

I am basically the one who makes all the decisions in the house and if I don't it just won't get done because my husband simply does not care! I have no clue how he lived on his own before! Lately I have been very stressed so I tried to "delegate" some home management to him and it failed miserably because he simply forgot to pay the council tax! Honestly, WTF?!?! I confronted him and said he can't keep expecting that I'll do everything, I need to know I've got a partner not a dependent!

Anyway, last week we had to apply for UC (long story short my husband lost his job because the shop he worked in went bust) and I filled out my things straight away, he is still dilly-dallying and saying he will do it later, he can't be bothered now, he's busy now and bla-bla-bla. He's busy playing video games btw. So I couldn't take it any more and shouted at him calling him lazy and irresponsible (I know, I shouldn't have shouted and call him names but I just can't take it any more) and now he's not talking to me or answers with one word and he still hasn't done his bit for UC!!! I'm thinking he's not going to do it simply out of stubbornness but he either doesn't fully comprehend or just chooses not to but if we don't get UC next month, we won't be able to pay our rent only on my salary! But he's just overly laid-back to realize this!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be a bit more active? I don't want him to do crazy amount of work, simply take some responsibility from me because I am starting to buckle under the pressure. I have literally told him, I never hint at anything, I say it as it is, and he just ignores it and goes "it will be fiiiiiiine". No, it won't be!!! This teenager mindset does not suit a guy who is nearly 30! I want us to have a baby soon but I can't even imagine what he would be like as a dad! If he finds paying bills boring, I wonder what he would think of changing nappies or getting up for a screaming baby at 4 am. Honestly, am I unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:45

Oh my god do not have a baby with this loser!

If you have any respect at all for him your standards are far too low.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2020 18:45

WTF?

I can be a bit crap with household admin but he's taking the piss.

Do not have a baby with him. In fact I recommend running far away and disentangling any financial ties whatsoever!

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 14/12/2020 18:45

I would be getting a divorce, wouldn’t even be thinking about having a baby with him.

bonjonbovi · 14/12/2020 18:46

Have a long hard think - is this how you want your life to be with children?

LittleMissLockdown · 14/12/2020 18:50

Honestly why on earth did you marry him, he sounds absolutely useless. Ive never advised this before but don't waste your life with this poor excuse of an adult. Get out, get divorced and find someone who wants to be your partner, not someone who wabts to play at being a grown up.

WishingForAnElfyXmas · 14/12/2020 18:54

I could have written this about my ex - he’s still the same 15 years later.

From my experience- do not have a child with this man!

Nicolastuffedone · 14/12/2020 18:55

Honestly? You think you might be expecting too much? Really??

Lazypuppy · 14/12/2020 18:57

I would never have married him while he had a CCJ! i wouldn't have even had a joint account with himx that CCJ is basically now on your account as well as you are financially linked.

Honestly, do not have a baby with him, and i would leave. I would want to be with someone who is capable of being a grown up

dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf · 14/12/2020 19:01

I'd find this deeply unattractive.

EKGEMS · 14/12/2020 19:01

You are already a mother of a 30-something year old baby! Does he understand no UC no food? You would be an idiot to stay with him and an even bigger idiot to have a child with him! Why would you have a child soon when your husband is unemployed? Do you chew his food for him or pick his clothes out?

VodselForDinner · 14/12/2020 19:04

He’s not laid back, he’s lazy and happy for someone else to take on all of his stress.

I wouldn’t let that man near me with a double-condomed dildo, let alone a penis possible of impregnation.

Do not have children with a child. Recipe for disaster.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 19:09

A baby when you have a teenager already?
No thanks.

HotSince63 · 14/12/2020 19:13

he had been ignoring payment request for the electric and water bills for nearly a year!!! I confronted him and he said "oh well I thought it was fine"

That right there was your big red flag waving right up in your face.

Why the fuck you went and married him I don't know. Do not have a baby with him.

Are you sure he can actually read? Because hiding the fact that he can't read from you, is the only excuse I can think of for him being such a gobshite about this stuff.

Palavah · 14/12/2020 19:14

I'd be going nowhere near his dick for the rest of my life, that's for sure.

MoseShrute · 14/12/2020 19:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2020 19:19

Divorce the loser

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/12/2020 19:20

It's 2020, there is no need for "bill management" except checking once a while if all direct debits went out. Which are usually set up right when setting up an account with someone.
You both YABU.
He for not being able to check a simple DD, you for putting up with it and making it sound like a job with "ensuring bills are paid".

fourandnomore · 14/12/2020 19:20

Ok so I’m with everyone else on the don’t have a child right now with this man as having children brings a LOT more of this type of thing to deal with. I would be seriously considering leaving but if you want to give him ax chance sit down with him with the book Fair Play. It’s about mental load etc and will give a basis for a good conversation m. If he won’t engage get out of there and enjoy life as it should be!

Waveysnail · 14/12/2020 19:25

My husband has adhd and would be like this. I run all the bills and admin. Not hard as everything is set up for dd and standing orders. I'm extremely organised and dh isnt. He has a habit of ignoring things. The pile of unopened mail under his bed when we first started dating was insane. However is is a hard worker and great with babies

riotlady · 14/12/2020 19:28

Oh for crying out loud, I thought my DP could be a bit shit with household admin but at least he can pay a bill! You can put them on a direct debit you only need to sort it once!

Don’t have a child with this man, he’ll be more of a hinderance than a help. Find w grownup instead

altiara · 14/12/2020 19:29

Are you being unreasonable for wanting him to be an adult? No
Are you being unreasonable to want to pay the rent? No
Are you being unreasonable to want to eat / pay other bills? No
Are you being unreasonable to want to have a baby with this man child? Yes 100%

Why on earth did you get married to him having a CCJ? You’ve only been together 3 years, you didn’t need to marry him already Sad

billy1966 · 14/12/2020 19:32

OP,

You married a loser who wanted a mother and now you want to have a child with a child.

Be absolutely assured this will only get much worse.

He will never step up.
He might want to be a stay at home parent as he thinks it will be easier.

He will be half arsed in everything he does.

He has zero self respect, ambition or cop on.

He is quite happy to live off you given half a chance.

You have made a massive mistake marrying such a loser.

Why did you do that?

I don't believe for a second that you hadn't some red flags.

You need to figure out why you would want to marry a loser and have children with one?

You have a life of stress and disappointment and annoyance carrying the total load if you have a child with him.

I hope my harshness is spelling it our for you.

You deserve better OP.

There are teen boys out there with loads more cop on and self respect that this idiot you married.

Don't make your situation worse by getting a mortgage and children with him.

Flowers
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/12/2020 20:07

I suggest that you leave and then remind him that as he has no income, he will be homeless soon.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2020 20:11

ADHD doesn't cause this. I have ADHD and while I can struggle with things like deadlines and bills, I don't complain about them being "confusing and mundane" - that very clearly just says "I can't be bothered, this isn't interesting enough for me, you sort it out, you can deal with all the lesser stuff because you aren't as important." It's a disgusting lack of respect. One thing to say "Please help me with this because I struggle". Quite another "It's too mundane for VIP me".

For me and other ADHD people I know we tend to be highly distressed when our lack of dealing with things like this results in negative consequences, whether that's a late fee or some kind of worse penalty like a CCJ, or a partner being upset, it's never "I didn't think it would matter", or "stop moaning on about it, it's no big deal" it's more "Oh my god I haven't done that?? Oh god how are we going to sort this out, I'm so so sorry, I'm so shit."

He doesn't have a disability. He just doesn't care.

katy1213 · 14/12/2020 20:16

What's wrong with direct debits?

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