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Original poster

Is my husband too laid back or am I unreasonable

101 replies

Skyler232 · 14/12/2020 18:42

I need your help to decide if I am being unreasonable or is my husband really is too laid back!

We've been together for 3 years now and most of the time I take care of the "admin" part of our household - I ensure bills are paid, I book holidays, I ensure all our documents are in order, I order food, I follow if the cat has gone to the vet recently etc etc you get my point. I have to be the admin because that way I know things get done, otherwise if I leave it with my husband he literally just ignores it. He says he doesn't like taking care of such things, he finds them "confusing" and "mundane".

At the beginning of our relationship when we moved in together, all bills were in his name (I moved into his rented flat) and he claimed it was all paid and it's all good so I trusted him. That is until he got a letter from a County Court which I immediately recognized because I work with vulnerable people and they often bring these to my office to ask for help. Until then I had never opened his post but when I saw a CCJ, I opened the letter. I know, I'm horrible but I got worried and it turned out he had been ignoring payment request for the electric and water bills for nearly a year!!! I confronted him and he said "oh well I thought it was fine". He paid it immediately but now he has a CCJ against his name because of his stupidity! I took over the bills management from then onward.

I am basically the one who makes all the decisions in the house and if I don't it just won't get done because my husband simply does not care! I have no clue how he lived on his own before! Lately I have been very stressed so I tried to "delegate" some home management to him and it failed miserably because he simply forgot to pay the council tax! Honestly, WTF?!?! I confronted him and said he can't keep expecting that I'll do everything, I need to know I've got a partner not a dependent!

Anyway, last week we had to apply for UC (long story short my husband lost his job because the shop he worked in went bust) and I filled out my things straight away, he is still dilly-dallying and saying he will do it later, he can't be bothered now, he's busy now and bla-bla-bla. He's busy playing video games btw. So I couldn't take it any more and shouted at him calling him lazy and irresponsible (I know, I shouldn't have shouted and call him names but I just can't take it any more) and now he's not talking to me or answers with one word and he still hasn't done his bit for UC!!! I'm thinking he's not going to do it simply out of stubbornness but he either doesn't fully comprehend or just chooses not to but if we don't get UC next month, we won't be able to pay our rent only on my salary! But he's just overly laid-back to realize this!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be a bit more active? I don't want him to do crazy amount of work, simply take some responsibility from me because I am starting to buckle under the pressure. I have literally told him, I never hint at anything, I say it as it is, and he just ignores it and goes "it will be fiiiiiiine". No, it won't be!!! This teenager mindset does not suit a guy who is nearly 30! I want us to have a baby soon but I can't even imagine what he would be like as a dad! If he finds paying bills boring, I wonder what he would think of changing nappies or getting up for a screaming baby at 4 am. Honestly, am I unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
MitziK · 14/12/2020 20:19

Leave before his being too special and important to bother with such trivialities as rent and council tax leave you and a baby homeless.

MrDarcyismines · 14/12/2020 20:20

He won't make a good Father I'm afraid. He isn't even a good husband! He clearly doesn't care about his responsibilities and is a man child. The fact that he is still gaming at almost 30 shows that he hasn't matured. If you have a baby with him, you'll be one of those mums on here moaning that you do everything and he does nothing.

ivfbeenbusy · 14/12/2020 20:21

I could have written your post. Except i used a lot stronger language than lazy and irresponsible when I confronted him and I practically dragged him down the job centre myself

I am surprised though why you even delegated council tax - he clearly can't be trusted with bills - he's demonstrated that several times so why even ask him? It's like you have set him up to fail? Council tax is easily paid on direct debit these days - you don't have to do anything??

You either need to accept he's shit with money and therefore Carry out damage limitation and have all bills go out on direct debit from one account the day after pay day or you don't? In which case don't have a baby - nothing will change and if you think you are stressed now you wait until you have a child to pay for 🤷‍♀️

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/12/2020 20:23

@MrDarcyismines

WHilst I dont disagree with the general point you are making, what the hell has gaming got to do with him not growing up? A hell of a lot of grown ups who manage to pay their bills and do the the boring mundane stuff also enjoy gaming. I am 20 years older than him and I do it! There was an interview with a woman in her late 70's on the radio a couple of weeks ago who got into gaming during lockdown and credits it with keeping her brain active.....

KittenCalledBob · 14/12/2020 20:24

Your husband is more than just laid back OP! What an absolute baby he is.

Warpdrive · 14/12/2020 20:30

There is a thing called pathological avoidance syndrome. Its kind of like a compulsion. Could he have it?

Cocomarine · 14/12/2020 20:33

My vagina involuntarily clenched shut reading that. Quite seriously - how do you bring yourself to fancy someone so useless?

Cocomarine · 14/12/2020 20:35

@Warpdrive

There is a thing called pathological avoidance syndrome. Its kind of like a compulsion. Could he have it?
Doubt it, he managed to be renting a flat all by his little self. So I daresay he managed to pay the bills and do the admin for that until he had someone to dump them on 🙄
Gardeniaofdelights · 14/12/2020 20:35

You are definitely not expecting too much and you would be insane to have a baby with him. If a baby is what you want you need to ditch him and find a partner capable of being a dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2020 20:41

As a mum who has raised her children to adulthood, you would be insane to have children with this man. Honestly, I can't tell you enough how bad of an idea this is.

HavelockVetinari · 14/12/2020 20:45

As everyone else says - do NOT have children with this man. It will be awful, for all of you.

If you still want to stay together, try relationship counselling. It might help?

notalwaysalondoner · 14/12/2020 20:51

He sounds like he’s naturally useless and the second you moved in he happily let you take over the boring admin with the excuse that he’s useless. If after your argument he admitted he was useless but that he’d try really hard to be better in future that would be one thing, but sounds like he’ll never improve. So I think you have to make your peace with that - accept your DH is shit useless at paperwork and you’ll have to nag him for every bit, or consider leaving if you’re just going to resent it forever. Is there something else he does that kind of makes up for it eg all the cooking or all the gardening or something?

lovepickledlimes · 14/12/2020 21:00

@MrDarcyismines him gaming is not an issue here. It's a hobby to relax and unwind just as some people watch tv, read a book, paint, knit etc. It's only an issue if he games before taking care of his responsibilities. This is the problem he has

Leaannb · 14/12/2020 21:12

@Cocomarine...Except je hadn't paid his bills in almost a year and got a CCJ

DimidDavilby · 14/12/2020 21:16

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

Lolalovesmarmite · 14/12/2020 21:21

Do not have a baby with this man.

FastFood · 14/12/2020 21:29

My dad was like that when my mum met him.

Spoiler: 45 years later, he's still exactly like that. Nothing has changed at all, except that my mum left. And me and my sisters won't bother seeing him anymore.
Don't have kids with this guy.

RadoxBubbles · 14/12/2020 21:31

I have ADHD and when you describe your husband, you could be describing me. It’s nit that I don’t understand the importance but I physically can’t (plus mentally don’t want to). However I’m a single parent and once or twice a year I manage or if I’m really bad, ask someone to support me in doing it. I think I would be over reliant upon someone else doing these things if I was in a relationship.

Firenight · 14/12/2020 21:45

My husband couldn't organise anything. Unless you want to do all the mindwork long term don't have kids with him.

Maybe he has qualities that outweigh him being crap as adulting? But believe me it gets irritating long term when everything is on your shoulders.

TheTeenageYears · 14/12/2020 22:30

You have 3 choices - continue doing everything till the end of time, leave and divorce as quickly as humanly possible (with linked finances when you pull the plug things will go downhill for you as well if he continues to ignore things) or be prepared to get to zero with him in order for him to understand actions and consequences.

I was never prepared to get to zero which is why I do it all but circumstances over the years have also contributed to that.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/12/2020 22:55

I have ADHD as well, and agree your man there doesn’t sound like he has it. He honestly sounds lazy and addicted to video games. He knows you will take care of the admin and has checked out completely. ADHD people still feel responsible and we try and set up elaborate reminders to keep us at least not drowning. We tend to be anxious knowing we’ve forgotten something,,,something we were just about to do but can’t put our finger in it. He is too calm and saying “it’ll be fine” is not how ADHD presents at all.

PattyPan · 14/12/2020 23:33

First of all, put your bills on direct debit. It’s sometimes cheaper to pay that way and there’s no thinking required.
Secondly, do not have a baby with anyone this useless! I don’t think I could even be with someone who could let it get to the point of a CCJ through sheer cluelessness. His behaviour and attitude to this are really not normal. Yes, it is mundane but that doesn’t mean you can opt out of doing it!

VestaTilley · 14/12/2020 23:48

I couldn’t be with a man who was so lazy, useless and willing to watch you do everything. You can do a lot better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 23:53

He's not 'laid back' he's a selfish prick.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/12/2020 23:56

Also I have ADHD. I don't recognise it in your description at all but even if he did have it, decent people prioritise learning coping techniques that don't mean their partner has to carry the entire mental load of their entire life as a couple. I have bipolar, if I refused to take my meds or had never bothered to look into ways that would stop it making a partner responsible for even the basics of adult life, I would just be a selfish prick with bipolar,

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