Is my husband too laid back or am I unreasonable

[Skyler232]

I need your help to decide if I am being unreasonable or is my husband really is too laid back!

We've been together for 3 years now and most of the time I take care of the "admin" part of our household - I ensure bills are paid, I book holidays, I ensure all our documents are in order, I order food, I follow if the cat has gone to the vet recently etc etc you get my point. I have to be the admin because that way I know things get done, otherwise if I leave it with my husband he literally just ignores it. He says he doesn't like taking care of such things, he finds them "confusing" and "mundane".

At the beginning of our relationship when we moved in together, all bills were in his name (I moved into his rented flat) and he claimed it was all paid and it's all good so I trusted him. That is until he got a letter from a County Court which I immediately recognized because I work with vulnerable people and they often bring these to my office to ask for help. Until then I had never opened his post but when I saw a CCJ, I opened the letter. I know, I'm horrible but I got worried and it turned out he had been ignoring payment request for the electric and water bills for nearly a year!!! I confronted him and he said "oh well I thought it was fine". He paid it immediately but now he has a CCJ against his name because of his stupidity! I took over the bills management from then onward.

I am basically the one who makes all the decisions in the house and if I don't it just won't get done because my husband simply does not care! I have no clue how he lived on his own before! Lately I have been very stressed so I tried to "delegate" some home management to him and it failed miserably because he simply forgot to pay the council tax! Honestly, WTF?!?! I confronted him and said he can't keep expecting that I'll do everything, I need to know I've got a partner not a dependent!

Anyway, last week we had to apply for UC (long story short my husband lost his job because the shop he worked in went bust) and I filled out my things straight away, he is still dilly-dallying and saying he will do it later, he can't be bothered now, he's busy now and bla-bla-bla. He's busy playing video games btw. So I couldn't take it any more and shouted at him calling him lazy and irresponsible (I know, I shouldn't have shouted and call him names but I just can't take it any more) and now he's not talking to me or answers with one word and he still hasn't done his bit for UC!!! I'm thinking he's not going to do it simply out of stubbornness but he either doesn't fully comprehend or just chooses not to but if we don't get UC next month, we won't be able to pay our rent only on my salary! But he's just overly laid-back to realize this!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be a bit more active? I don't want him to do crazy amount of work, simply take some responsibility from me because I am starting to buckle under the pressure. I have literally told him, I never hint at anything, I say it as it is, and he just ignores it and goes "it will be fiiiiiiine". No, it won't be!!! This teenager mindset does not suit a guy who is nearly 30! I want us to have a baby soon but I can't even imagine what he would be like as a dad! If he finds paying bills boring, I wonder what he would think of changing nappies or getting up for a screaming baby at 4 am. Honestly, am I unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?

There was a thread very similar to this recently and the OP was given much the same advice. In a nutshell as others have said......
Please don’t have a baby with this man child
You will be the one doing absolutely everything of importance for the child and the behaviour he is displaying now will be amplified x 1000.

This is red flag territory OP. He might be a ‘nice guy’ but this is soul destroying. You could lose your home if you fall into arrears because he won’t even complete the UC form. I daren’t ask if he has been looking for other work.

You are seriously thinking of having a baby with this man? Don't you realise it's one of the biggest decisions you can make in your life?

He's your starter relationship. Move on now that you know what you really want and need.

Please don’t have a child with this so say man. Get out while you can he will drag you down.I had a friend like you she stayed with her partner the worst mistake of her life her words.

He's not laid back. He's a massive man-child. Please don't have a child with this loser.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It's 2020, there is no need for "bill management" except checking once a while if all direct debits went out. Which are usually set up right when setting up an account with someone. You both YABU. He for not being able to check a simple DD, you for putting up with it and making it sound like a job with "ensuring bills are paid".

This is exactly what I was thinking! Why are you making out all these jobs are hard? Set up dd to come out as soon as you get paid and check your bank account each month. Job done.

The rest of it yanbu about . He absolutely needs to pull his finger out and take equal responsibility for things and there is no excuse for not filling out the UC claim.

Now is not the time for having a baby with him, I can guarantee in a couple of years you will be on here complaining about doing all the work parenting while your unemployed dh plays computer games all day.

Yes, I agree, I don’t understand this, why isn’t everything on direct debit inc your council tax, is something missing from the story? As in you’re juggling which bills to pay which months, so can’t do direct debit and that’s why you see it as a job and a lot of pressure? I’m struggling to think of another reason you’d chose to make this difficult.

However if he can’t pay his utilities for a year, then it’s highly unlikely he was going to pay the council tax. Was he prioritising spending his money elsewhere? If he worked in a shop is he is a low earner?

Is this really about a management of money as opposed to life admin?

You’ve really got one option, which is to do the Uc application for him so you can ensure the rent is paid, otherwise once you get into arrears you risk loosing your home, and will struggle to find some place else. Because he’s not going to do it and the longer you leave it, the higher hour risk. Landlords are not fans of folks who default on the rent.

Past that you can decide if you want to stay with him, as this situation is unlikely to change for the better.

His pure laziness would be a deal breaker for me.

He can pay a bill, he just doesn't want to. If he cannot apply for uc when you need it, how would he be if you had a child together?

Is he dismissing it because he can't do it? I live with dyslexic dp and dd and neither can fill out a form, dp got through life glossing over it and knowing if he didn't do it I would, only now that dd has been diagnosed it is very obvious dp should have been diagnosed as a child!

Yes you are unreasonable and you are expecting too much. He won’t change, why would he bother when you’ll do it all.

I’d be giving some serious thought about whether this relationship is viable over time. You’re going to always be the mummy, and personally having had an ex who was like this I can say you’re bound to find him less attractive over time. Plus he’ll be extra useless if you have kids, if you are too busy or stressed at work to remember to pay an overdue bill, he won’t step up when you’re sick, etc. it’ll probably give you the ick eventually because a grown man who’s an incapable baby is pretty unattractive.

Honestly you have two choices: this is the life you want, or you don’t.

I dont think you're being unreasonable, he clearly needs a kick up the bum but, I think you need to spend one afternoon setting up a load of direct debits for things like council tax which will massively reduce the load

He is irresponsible for his own life. I would give him maybe two months to adjust his mind or change the way he used to live. if he doesn't give it a shit, I would definitely get a divorce. Just a waste of time to educate a big boy who will never behave like an adult. I know it hard to cut a relationship, but you have to think about yourself and your kids in the future.

Whatever the reason is he's in danger of ruining your credit and your financial future. Imagine if you have children with him and then split up. What would your odds of getting any maintenance be? My exh was almost as useless and it was an enormous weight off when he left. Being single and dealing with all of the admin is much, much easier than dealing with someone like this. They increase the stress 10fold.

Run, run, run for the hills.

Nothing wrong with one person doing all the bills as long as they're happy to. I organise the majority of our household bills but this doesnt absolve my husband of responsibility. I dont chase him to pay what he needs to, he just does it.

We dont have everything on DDs as our pay is all over the shop so tend to bulk pay some months so we dont need to pay on others. This wouldnt work for you though clearly as we both have to keep track of the ones we are responsible for.

For gods sake dont have a baby with him.

I think maybe he is being a bit lazy, but it also may be that he strugles with that kind of work.

I'm rather like that myself - I am really bad at any kind of administration. I am good at certain kinds of complex mental work, but admin stuff - boring is the wrong word but it makes me very anxious and I have a strong desire to avoid it. Something that worried me for other reasons liek jobseekers allowance would be even worse and more difficult for me to tackle.

My husband has taken over most of this kind of thing, but to some extent that makes it worse - I have less of a handle on it and am less in a routine about it.

I know it doesn't seem to make sense and is very frustrating for others, but I don't think this sort of thing is always just a matter of being lazy.

Oh boy OP. Baptism of fire with this post!

Having said that, I agree with every single person here. Your husband is completely useless and negligent of your personal and financial situations. You gave him one thing to do and he fucked it up?! All he needed to do was call the council and pay over the phone or set up a direct debit.

You mustn’t have a baby with him. You will end up doing EVERYTHING and the resentment will grow and grow. He sounds like the definition of a man child

I’d be getting out of there pdq.

Maybe he's got some sort of illness.
I know you shouldn't have to but get your phone out sign in to universal credit and answer his questions for him, if you don't know the answer ask him
As I said I know you should not have to but if you do it, it will benefit you and will stop you stressing about the rent ect. X

Major red flag for me. If he doesn't think paying bills is a big deal, what's he going to be like about changing nappies, sterilising bottles, and doing all the other banal, monotonous but essential stuff that comes with bringing up babies?

It's a bit late to be coming to the table now wondering why he can't do life admin (is that the new term for being a fucking adult).
He couldn't get the whole electricity and water needs paying and now has a CCJ. You went on to marry him (your choice...I guess he had some redeeming features?).
You're now asking him to start doing the things that got him a CCJ all over again and wondering why it didn't occur.
He's got no job, he's playing video games rather than complete essential paperwork so you can actually pay your rent? This is either self sabotage or just an absolute waster. I'd go with the latter.

If you have a baby with this plonker how do you expect it will go? Is he suddenly going to be a new man, with no sleep and extra responsibilities? If you're feeling stressed now, chuck in the grenade that is a baby to your already poor relationship and strap yourself in for a wild ride of yelling, screaming and jumping up and down trying to get sack-o-spuds to do anything useful.

You'll no doubt come back and say "oh I've painted him to be awful...but he's really not...hes got some great attributes..."
Your life.
No yanbu. But call it what it is. Bone idle. Not 'laid back'.

Good luck op.

You’ve picked a dud

He IS lazy and irresponsible. Honestly, ltb, you deserve better.

I have diagnosed ASD and ADHD and I find all this life admin stuff incredibly difficult and stressful.

However, because I am not a selfish prick and want my NT partner to be able to enjoy their own life and not have to act as my carer, I buckle up and get on with it.

Is it hellish and stressful? Yes. Have I fucked up occasionally? Also yes. Have I developed tools and coping mechanisms? Yes to this too.