Is my husband too laid back or am I unreasonable

[Skyler232]

I need your help to decide if I am being unreasonable or is my husband really is too laid back!

We've been together for 3 years now and most of the time I take care of the "admin" part of our household - I ensure bills are paid, I book holidays, I ensure all our documents are in order, I order food, I follow if the cat has gone to the vet recently etc etc you get my point. I have to be the admin because that way I know things get done, otherwise if I leave it with my husband he literally just ignores it. He says he doesn't like taking care of such things, he finds them "confusing" and "mundane".

At the beginning of our relationship when we moved in together, all bills were in his name (I moved into his rented flat) and he claimed it was all paid and it's all good so I trusted him. That is until he got a letter from a County Court which I immediately recognized because I work with vulnerable people and they often bring these to my office to ask for help. Until then I had never opened his post but when I saw a CCJ, I opened the letter. I know, I'm horrible but I got worried and it turned out he had been ignoring payment request for the electric and water bills for nearly a year!!! I confronted him and he said "oh well I thought it was fine". He paid it immediately but now he has a CCJ against his name because of his stupidity! I took over the bills management from then onward.

I am basically the one who makes all the decisions in the house and if I don't it just won't get done because my husband simply does not care! I have no clue how he lived on his own before! Lately I have been very stressed so I tried to "delegate" some home management to him and it failed miserably because he simply forgot to pay the council tax! Honestly, WTF?!?! I confronted him and said he can't keep expecting that I'll do everything, I need to know I've got a partner not a dependent!

Anyway, last week we had to apply for UC (long story short my husband lost his job because the shop he worked in went bust) and I filled out my things straight away, he is still dilly-dallying and saying he will do it later, he can't be bothered now, he's busy now and bla-bla-bla. He's busy playing video games btw. So I couldn't take it any more and shouted at him calling him lazy and irresponsible (I know, I shouldn't have shouted and call him names but I just can't take it any more) and now he's not talking to me or answers with one word and he still hasn't done his bit for UC!!! I'm thinking he's not going to do it simply out of stubbornness but he either doesn't fully comprehend or just chooses not to but if we don't get UC next month, we won't be able to pay our rent only on my salary! But he's just overly laid-back to realize this!

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be a bit more active? I don't want him to do crazy amount of work, simply take some responsibility from me because I am starting to buckle under the pressure. I have literally told him, I never hint at anything, I say it as it is, and he just ignores it and goes "it will be fiiiiiiine". No, it won't be!!! This teenager mindset does not suit a guy who is nearly 30! I want us to have a baby soon but I can't even imagine what he would be like as a dad! If he finds paying bills boring, I wonder what he would think of changing nappies or getting up for a screaming baby at 4 am. Honestly, am I unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?

I wouldn’t even bother talking to this man anymore. He is just a waste of space and will not change.
Don’t have kids with this man

MN classic, but does he have any redeeming features.

Or is he just a feckless shit

OP, serious question - can he read? It’s not uncommon for people to go through their lives delegating jobs to others simply because they are functionally illiterate. If he can, then he’s a useless, lazy, fucker and you should run for the hills.

I assume he does ALL the other housework to make up for this... right?

Assuming he isn’t covering up for not being able to read, as a pp flags, pyongyang has it:
I suggest that you leave and then remind him that as he has no income, he will be homeless soon.

If you're also managing the house (cooking cleaning shopping) and he’s not bringing in significant income that can be used to outsource tasks, then I don’t understand what you’re doing with him.

Honestly, am I unreasonable? Am I expecting too much?

It's sad that you're even asking this question. If your hypothetical dd asked you wouldn't you tell her that she deserved a man and not a child as a partner?

I suspect that he'll be far worse if you have a baby and if he's the SAHP you'll be at work worried that he's asleep while baby cries (a man who can't set up a fucking direct debit can't clean poo right?) Looking after a baby is far more work than life admin as you have to do it while the baby cries. I suspect you'll end up paying for nursery while he games at home but please don't have a child with him. Children deserve good fathers who can look after them in mum can't for whatever reason.

Just to warn you, if he becomes the SAHP and you split, you could be paying him maintenance. Coupled with the inevitability of him forgetting the 101 things that children need, your work load will be far more insane. For example if your child had food allergies or some eczema cream (not uncommon) , could you trust him to do the right thing or would you worry until baby came back? It's very easy for men to disappear after a split and the bar for divorced dads to be considered a good parent is insanely low so you'll end up very resentful that he still does nothing.

I married someone like this, I found life so stressful because I couldn't trust him and had to double check everything.
Even in the middle of divorce, I had to pester him to get himself a solicitor.
Please, please think of yourself and what your life will be like for you in 5 years' if you do nothing.

Men like this should propose by getting down on one knee and saying: "Would you like to sort out all my mundane boring shit for me for the rest of your life because I can't be bothered?"

When you have DC there is more dull stuff and less time to do it in.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I suggest that you leave and then remind him that as he has no income, he will be homeless soon.

Exactly THIS.

Don’t waste your precious time on this man child. Everything will get a million times worse after having “another” child.

You are simply being unreasonable to expect him to suddenly be a quite different person. He's the same guy you met a relatively short time ago.

If that no longer suits you, then you need to part, he won't change and I'm not sure it's right for you to expect him to. I wouldn't want him, but you're moving the goal posts not him.

You're unreasonable for having such a low bar. Demand more for yourself.

I’m sorry OP this sounds very difficult. I hate to say these things but in the professional field of working with domestic abusers, not taking any responsibility for bills/finances and putting it on to their parter is considered a form of abuse. And given how stressed this is making you, which he is not recognising.. it’s worrying

ZOMBIE THREAD

HOPE YOU LEFT OP

Dump him now and don’t have kids with him as he won’t change.

Or stay with him, have kids and have him behave like another dependent (who lies about things for an easier life for himself, with a bit of screaming abuse at you thrown in for fun), and then dump him when your kids are still young and deal with trying to do-parent with a lazy loser.

Because it will be one or the other. He’s not laid back, he’s lazy and useless.

Dump him. He's a useless child that wants a mummy not a partner.

Zombie

As others have said this won't work long term. You will end up hating him. Sounds like you are one of life's rescuers and he needs constantly saving from himself.
Is he willing to learn how to manage? Does he genuinely not know but is too ashamed to say? Can you create a monthly tick sheet to pin up where he has to have looked at certain bills etc. so he starts to learn how to take responsibility. He's got to want to do it and that's your pinch point.

Alternative is you accept he is crap with organizing things. You take all that on but he has to take household chores on such as cooking and cleaning.

My nan and grandad had an arrangement like this. It worked fine as he liked cooking and my nan wasn't great at it. So it can work out if he will take on other chores to take the load off you.

Oh lord, I've just seen the date. That's five mins of my life I'll never get back.

Didn't you see the flags waving when he actually got a CCJ for not paying his energy bills for a year? That's serious! Jeez. Why are you still with this waste of space.

Run. Don't give a child this man as a father.

ZOMBIE!

Hopefully since Christmas she's done herself a favour and gone elsewhere.

At this point, yeah, YABU for expecting him to adult. You saw the red flags early on, understood them, chose to marry him anyway, and ensured that you were the one to do everything important. It seems like you believed that having an overgrown dependent manchild rather than an equal adult partner was fine at that time. This is why you should never marry someone with the expectation that you'll be able to change them into something they're not. And double YABU for wanting a child with this ... child. Why did you ever think he'd be a useful coparent?

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♀️