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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at DH

82 replies

Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:34

So more of a moan than anything so sorry about that

So my DH has a hobby - let's say cycling. And he decided at the weekend he wanted to buy a brand new bike for £750. He just decided this without having a discussion with me and it arrived today.

We don't have a joint account and we split the bills so the rest of our money is our own but I'm just so pissed of that he has spent that amount of money without even discussing it with me.

He has bought it on finance so it's not like 750 gone in one hit but we don't have a lot of money- we live paycheck to paycheck so it feels like a lot. Especially as recently we had a problem in the house that needed to be fixed urgently that cost £500. He didn't have any money so I paid that all of.

I would absolutely love to have £750 to just spend on whatever I want but I just don't. We have a DC so there's always things we need to buy for them, after all bills etc are paid there really isn't much left so buying treats isn't much of an option. I had my haircuts for the first time in 2 years a couple of months ago and that felt massive.

Idk what to do. I told him I was really upset that he's done this and he apologised etc but now I'm just left feeling so shitty but he's apologised so what can I even do?
Sorry that was a ramble.

TLDR - my DH spent £750 without consulting me. AIBU to continue to be upset after he has apologised?

OP posts:
GooodMythicalMorning · 14/12/2020 18:36

Yanbu. Are you sure he's telling the truth about money though? How is he going to make repayments if you have so little spare after bills?

Hayeahnobut · 14/12/2020 18:37

Your problem is the lack of joint account, so you might be living payday to payday but he might not.

The bike isn't the problem here, it's the lack of joint finances.

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:38

How has he justified that purchase to you when you're so close to broke? Has he paid you back his share of the £500?

I'd struggle to respect a man who did this.

Thankssomuch · 14/12/2020 18:39

I’d feel the same, but to be honest I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it. Except next time there’s a £500 bill to pay, tell him you can’t afford it.

Original poster
Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:39

He's shit with money. He can afford the repayments if it comes out at the beginning of the month. Part of the problem is that he spends all his money within the first week or two of getting paid so then it's down to me to get us through the rest of the month which is why I end up with no money.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 14/12/2020 18:41

@Hayeahnobut

Your problem is the lack of joint account, so you might be living payday to payday but he might not.

The bike isn't the problem here, it's the lack of joint finances.

After my now ex husband stole £56,000 from our joint account and denied me access to it, I'd never have a joint account or recommend one to anyone! He took out £26,000 in loans and credit cards in my name too for good measure

OP if you both have spending money left after you have split the bills etc, then I'd say whatever money he has left he can spend as he sees fit. BUT if it means that he won't be able to cover the joint bills as he'll be making the repayments for his "bike" then that is NOT fine. He definitely should have consulted you. Is it too late to send the object back?

Jimjamjong · 14/12/2020 18:41

sorry is not enough, if the both of you can' t afford it, he needs to return it.

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:42

@Pissoffbikes

He's shit with money. He can afford the repayments if it comes out at the beginning of the month. Part of the problem is that he spends all his money within the first week or two of getting paid so then it's down to me to get us through the rest of the month which is why I end up with no money.
How the fuck can you have any respect for this man?

If he can't manage his money, his paycheck needs to go into a joint account and a set amount of "fun" money (like £200) goes to his personal account. That way you're not scrimping and saving while he buys himself a new fucking bike!

The lack of respect here is abhorrent. I couldn't live with someone who valued me so little.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 14/12/2020 18:43

Joint account.

You tell him that after this, it's a joint account. Your wages go into the same account then all bills, food and children's stuff comes out. Work out what you expect to need each month and then you both get equal spending money from the leftover (after hopefully putting some aside for emergencies).

The repayments for his bike come out of his spending money. Once his money is spent then it is spent.

Waveysnail · 14/12/2020 18:43

So when he gets paid he gives you all household money and just leaves himself spending money if he is crap

MrsRogerLima · 14/12/2020 18:43

Yeah it would be going back.

My DH can be like this. Recently found out he has racked up £500 on PayPal credit of shit. Fuming is not the word.

We have joint finances and we cannot afford to pay that debt.

I would be reconsidering my response depending on his next action.

NRE20 · 14/12/2020 18:44

I think you’re right to feel upset and that it’s reasonable to discuss big purchases with each other, especially if it means taking something out on finance, before you make them. Was it an impulse buy, or had he researched it first? If the latter, then he chose not to tell you about it before making the purchase, which suggests he knew that you’d be unhappy.
You’ve had the conversation about it and he’s apologised, but that doesn’t mean you can’t raise the subject again with him. No doubt you’ll get other responses on this thread, so take your time reading through them and thinking about what you want to do, or say, moving forwards.
Once you feel ready, you could bring up the conversation when you’re alone together again and say that it’s playing on your mind and you’d really like it if you could discuss big purchases together before making them in the future, but that you understand and agree that anything that doesn’t go towards joint bills, or living expenses, is ultimately the individual’s choice. You could also suggest both adding a bit extra to a joint savings pot, in case of emergencies, unforeseen expenses, or to say for joint luxuries and treats and agree a sum there and then (again you having this thinking time to prepare an amount to suggest). You can always review the new savings pot in a few months if you need to.

PizzaForOne · 14/12/2020 18:44

Surely you knew he was 'shit with money' before you married him?

If it's likely the repayments means he won't be able to afford to split the bills with you in coming months then yes you have a right to find an issue with this and YANBU. But if he pays his way fine then YABU - as you said money after bills is considered your own. So I don't think you can be angry about this right now until is apparent it is causing issues with the split of bills.

You should ask him for his £250 half towards those repair costs though.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 14/12/2020 18:46

When you say that he pays his share of the bills first, does that include giving half the cost of the monthly food shop and half the cost any anything the kids need? Or do you get stuck with those costs because he has spent his money?
If you're left with those costs then that needs to stop. Sit down tonight and talk about it. Tell him clearly that this is no longer going to happen that way.

Original poster
Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:47

I think what upsets me the money is that I spoke to him about us looking to go on a family holiday. I found one that looked nice and total payment was less than the total of his new bike and monthly payments were about half but he said no because we can't afford it.

How come he can afford something new for himself but we can't afford a family holiday that's cheaper 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Throwntothewolves · 14/12/2020 18:47

Why are people recommending a joint account when the OP says her partner is rubbish with money? Don't do that OP, unless you want him to spend all the money you earn too. A joint account requires trust and a 'joint' attitude toward spending.

Original poster
Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:47

So he pays half the food shop and half childcare bill. But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like that

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 18:48

How come he can afford something new for himself but we can't afford a family holiday that's cheaper 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because he doesn't give a fuck about the family, OP, I'm sorry.

MrsRogerLima · 14/12/2020 18:49

@Pissoffbikes

So he pays half the food shop and half childcare bill. But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like that
Op he is taking you for a mug. What do you get out of being with him?
NRE20 · 14/12/2020 18:50

Just read your second message, OP.

If you’re subbing him for the rest of the month, you could do what I do with my DH. We don’t have a joint account, as he’s not been great with money in the past. I simply have him send me a set amount at the beginning of each month, once he’s been paid that will cover bills, living expenses and all the main things, including us having money for social lives. Doesn’t have to be a joint account.

Sexnotgender · 14/12/2020 18:51

When people say a joint account I assume a joint bills account where you both pay a set amount in every month?

Rather than Sir Spendsalot having access to her money too?

Original poster
Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:52

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful.
He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character

OP posts:
calculatorbattery · 14/12/2020 18:54

How can he be a great dad if he's not paying for his family?

MrsRogerLima · 14/12/2020 18:57

@Pissoffbikes

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful. He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character
I don't think great dads prioritise themselves over their family OP.
Sexnotgender · 14/12/2020 18:58

@calculatorbattery

How can he be a great dad if he's not paying for his family?
Exactly. Great dads don’t spend money the family can ill afford or toys for themselves.
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