Pissed of at DH

[Pissoffbikes]

So more of a moan than anything so sorry about that

So my DH has a hobby - let's say cycling. And he decided at the weekend he wanted to buy a brand new bike for £750. He just decided this without having a discussion with me and it arrived today.

We don't have a joint account and we split the bills so the rest of our money is our own but I'm just so pissed of that he has spent that amount of money without even discussing it with me.

He has bought it on finance so it's not like 750 gone in one hit but we don't have a lot of money- we live paycheck to paycheck so it feels like a lot. Especially as recently we had a problem in the house that needed to be fixed urgently that cost £500. He didn't have any money so I paid that all of.

I would absolutely love to have £750 to just spend on whatever I want but I just don't. We have a DC so there's always things we need to buy for them, after all bills etc are paid there really isn't much left so buying treats isn't much of an option. I had my haircuts for the first time in 2 years a couple of months ago and that felt massive.

Idk what to do. I told him I was really upset that he's done this and he apologised etc but now I'm just left feeling so shitty but he's apologised so what can I even do?
Sorry that was a ramble.

TLDR - my DH spent £750 without consulting me. AIBU to continue to be upset after he has apologised?

Surely “being shit with money” means forgetting to pay bills or overspending on X

I wouldn’t call buying lecture presents for yourself but not for family “shit with money” ... or relying financially on your partner because you spent yours on yourself already as “being shit with money”. I’d call it being selfish and taking the piss.

maybe also if when these things are pointed out, he is remorseful. in addition to sending item back potentially, you could suggest that those repayments he would have amde on that, he can make every month into a specific savings pot for the family holiday?

luxury presents ^

What can you do?

Say to him -

'The bike goes back or I am done. Your shitty attitude to finances has told me for a long time that you put yourself before the kids, me, our security. You aren't part of the team and this is the final straw. The bike goes back, you get some bloody responsibility or I'm bailing out now before me and my children end up being shafted completely by the person supposed to love us most.

'The money you bring in goes on you. You you you, so the money I earn goes to make up YOUR shortfall, every month. The last big payout I made was the £500 fix, because you didn't have the money to pay YOUR SHARE. But when it's cash for your own fun, no problem. I want to be able to say that I respect and love my husband but right now I don't even want to look at you. Either send the bike back or move out.'

@WoolieLiberal

If it was from a joint account it would be unreasonable but if your arrangement is that once bills are covered, the rest of the money is your/his own, I don’t see why he needs to consult.

Look at it the other way- if you were posting here that DH was angry because you had spent £750 of your own money without consulting him, people here would be alleging controlling behaviour and suggesting you leave him!

Because clearly they're not paying in proportionately.

And he doesn't seem to think it's his responsibility to pay for things for his children.

@YoniAndGuy

What can you do?

Say to him -

'The bike goes back or I am done. Your shitty attitude to finances has told me for a long time that you put yourself before the kids, me, our security. You aren't part of the team and this is the final straw. The bike goes back, you get some bloody responsibility or I'm bailing out now before me and my children end up being shafted completely by the person supposed to love us most.

'The money you bring in goes on you. You you you, so the money I earn goes to make up YOUR shortfall, every month. The last big payout I made was the £500 fix, because you didn't have the money to pay YOUR SHARE. But when it's cash for your own fun, no problem. I want to be able to say that I respect and love my husband but right now I don't even want to look at you. Either send the bike back or move out.'

Beautifully put.

OP can you make a joint account for necessities including stuff for your DC, bills etc. Then whatevers left can be your spending money but it limits him from doing stupid shit like this and leaving you to foot the bill when he runs out of money? He clearly can't be trusted with an account containing money you need to run a household

Why are you letting him behave like a child?
This has to stop. You are both adults, earning a wage and with DC to support. Sit him down, tell him the bike has to be returned. Work out a payment agreement that sees his share come to you on the day he gets paid..then anything left is his. He’s not shit with money, you BOTH are if you struggle like this.
If he refuses to return the bike then you know we’re his priorities lie. And great Dads don’t let the mother of their children struggle for money when they have plenty.

Its spreadsheet time. And have a read of Martins Moneysaver Website's budgeting advice.
So he makes his "contribution" and then you are left to subsidise and budget and skrimp and save and research the finances for a family holiday and because its been decided that he is shit with money, he has nothing further to think about other than what he wants to spend his excess on..which is his big hobby. Meanwhile, you haven't been to the hairdressers for two years because you have to effectively pay for everything the children need.
I saw someone saying that telling him how to spend his money is controlling, Really? I think its him that's doing the controlling here.
Well he's sitting pretty isnt he? He's got a subsidized life. Saying I'm shit with money and just dumping the problem on you is just plain lazy and irresponsible.
I think it will be difficult to get him to send his precious new toy back but if he was really sorry and really understood the sacrifices you constantly make then he would offer and would also pay his share of the £500 repair bill instead of holding up his hands and saying, sorry spent myself into a standstill in the first two weeks of the month. He sounds really entitled.
You need to nip all this in the bud now with cold hard figures and logic, but be prepared for him to have a short attention span for that,
Also don't let anyone say that standing up for yourself financially is being controlling!!!

I understand why your feeling crap, he has done a crappy thing.
I would be sitting him down, tell him you are not happy and can't live with his spending habits, something must change or it will destroy your relationship.....see where he goes from there, hopefully a shock will do him good.
The bike should be returned or if not possible, sold for slightly below retail price.
When telling him this, I would be listing DC and your hobbies, tell him you can't afford to invest in them, to show him he's being selfish.

Keep a list and bill him for exactly half, every single thing, house or child related spend.
Alternatively, work out house/child/monthly costs, work out your joint income, calculate what's left and split that 50/50 between you- rather than have a joint account, get him to transfer it to you, leaving only his 50% spends in his account.
If he was not willing to do this.....then at least you know where you stand, it's then your choice of you want to live like that for ever.
You deserve to have spends too! Good luck!

@Riv

So he pays half the food shop and half childcare bill. But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like. Why? Why are you paying the whole amount for your DCs clothes and shoes? He’s not pulling his weight with food etc at the end of each month and not paying anywhere near half for his child 🤷🏻‍♀️ You need to calmly work out with him what joint expenditure is per month- Everything, bills, childcare, chid expenses like clubs and clothes and outings, a twelfth of annual subscriptions and insurance etc and a bit extra for holidays. Then split it between you in whatever proportion you feel right and put that in a joint account as soon as your money comes in with direct debits for the bills etc and two signatures required for withdrawal over a mutually decided amount (to prevent him blowing the annual bill accumulation ) then anything left over is personal spending. That’s after he’s paid you his £250 share of that big bill.

Yep, this is what I would do (assuming you both pull your weight with childcare and housework? If you're PT and he's FT it's rather different).

The joint account would only have the monthly bill spends in, so wouldn't be too high risk. If you don't want to risk even that much, get him to transfer £50 (£75?) to you the day after he gets paid - that's his contribution for the kids' stuff for the month. It sounds like he manages to pay the childcare and food bills ok.

And I echo that for the next 5 months he needs to transfer you £50 for his £250 share of that £500 bill. I bet he moans and kicks up a huge fuss about this because he sounds very entitled. But it's absolutely not reasonable for you (and the kids) to subsidise him any further.

well said Yoniandguy

I was all, "well it's his money, he pays his share" until I saw your update...no family holiday but he can treat himself?! Hell NO.

@YoniAndGuy

What can you do?

Say to him -

'The bike goes back or I am done. Your shitty attitude to finances has told me for a long time that you put yourself before the kids, me, our security. You aren't part of the team and this is the final straw. The bike goes back, you get some bloody responsibility or I'm bailing out now before me and my children end up being shafted completely by the person supposed to love us most.

'The money you bring in goes on you. You you you, so the money I earn goes to make up YOUR shortfall, every month. The last big payout I made was the £500 fix, because you didn't have the money to pay YOUR SHARE. But when it's cash for your own fun, no problem. I want to be able to say that I respect and love my husband but right now I don't even want to look at you. Either send the bike back or move out.'

What? This would only be a reasonable response if she'd already spoken to him about things like this before and how it makes her feel he doesnt value and respect her and his children... and he was STILL repeatedly doing it.

From what OP is said, it sounds like this is out of character but they do have wider issues around money that they need to talk about..i.e. have that first conversation about how it is unfair and how it makes her feel.

Communcation first. Then if someone continually chooses to ignore and disrespect that's different. Don't need to throw all your toys out of the pram and make some wild generalisations and ultimatums yet

What can you do?

Say to him -

'The bike goes back or I am done. Your shitty attitude to finances has told me for a long time that you put yourself before the kids, me, our security. You aren't part of the team and this is the final straw. The bike goes back, you get some bloody responsibility or I'm bailing out now before me and my children end up being shafted completely by the person supposed to love us most.

'The money you bring in goes on you. You you you, so the money I earn goes to make up YOUR shortfall, every month. The last big payout I made was the £500 fix, because you didn't have the money to pay YOUR SHARE. But when it's cash for your own fun, no problem. I want to be able to say that I respect and love my husband but right now I don't even want to look at you. Either send the bike back or move out.'

Exactly this.

Ask him for the money you will end up needing at the beginning of the month, that way you’re covered and won’t be resentful.

Thank you for all your suggestions, I do appreciate it.
I think the reason I haven't taken control of the money situation yet is because I'm the one in the relationship that plans and organises everything else and this would just be one more thing that I need to sort out and I just cba with it. Obviously that's not a good excuse and has led to these problems

Bike goes back. He grows up.

“ From what OP is said, it sounds like this is out of character ”

Read op posts.

@Pissoffbikes

He's shit with money. He can afford the repayments if it comes out at the beginning of the month. Part of the problem is that he spends all his money within the first week or two of getting paid so then it's down to me to get us through the rest of the month which is why I end up with no money.

Why are you standing for this?

Its not up to you to carry him through - maybe you could sit down together, work out whats going out each month, and he give you his share of the outgoings at the start of the month

@Pissoffbikes

One of those MN threads where you have a penny drop moment and realise another layer of horror has been peeled away from your life.

My ExH was like yours. Fairly adorable to most people he met and utterly inept.

18 years later, I was thoroughly exhausted in every single way.

You can seek self help and ideas on how to make it better but you cannot and will not ever change him.

Cynical MN LTB.

@Throwntothewolves

Why are people recommending a joint account when the OP says her partner is rubbish with money? Don't do that OP, unless you want him to spend all the money you earn too. A joint account requires trust and a 'joint' attitude toward spending.

This! Thank you- a voice of reason!

@WoolieLiberal

If it was from a joint account it would be unreasonable but if your arrangement is that once bills are covered, the rest of the money is your/his own, I don’t see why he needs to consult.

Look at it the other way- if you were posting here that DH was angry because you had spent £750 of your own money without consulting him, people here would be alleging controlling behaviour and suggesting you leave him!

But bills aren’t covered if the op then has to use what she has as her money to pay family expenses.

I had similar with H. We have a joint account and spends. From the joint account I manage all bills and what needs to come out for the kids, holidays, car and house repairs, savings etc. Then we have an allocation of what’s left over for ourselves. H moaned for ages that he wanted all fixed bills taken out and then to split what was left 50/50. I pointed out that there would be a lot of expenses thru the month that he’d have to then keep paying half of. He said he’d feel more in control and we could save personally and choose our own pensions/isa etc (he doesn’t want any). So I said okay we’d try it and it was a bloody nightmare. He spent every penny the first day of the month (he ran up debts on his credit card and then paid his spends straight on to that - never getting it down because he spent over double his spends each month). I saved all mine as I was terrified of running out of money in an emergency, so ended up using it for the kids/house stuff with him owing me money each month as well. Then we got a sudden bill of £3k for his dads care and he had none and I had to pay the lot from my savings. That’s when I said we had to go back to factoring all the extras in before spends were allocated and we had to get a loan to pay £7k off his credit card.

I think it’s fine to have personal money to spend on what you like OP. I spend lots on handbags and stuff other people would think is a waste. But that is calculated after all the essentials come out. I think the problem is you aren’t factoring the movable bills. Only the set bills. Try to guesstimate how much you’ll need each month for things like Xmas, birthdays, shoes, coats, savings/emergency boiler explosions etc and then divvy up what’s rest 50/50

I wish I could waste money and just say ‘I’m shit with money’ and push stress onto someone else to subsidise me and pay the boring bills.

OP, you and your children are constantly missing out on things and your husband is choosing to do that you repeatedly. Why should you and your children keep making those sacrifices? A father is supposed to look after his family and not instead leech off them while they live a lesser life. He is very selfish. You are being financially oppressed and he is making it that way, I feel so angry on your behalf.

What Parker said...there will be a cooling off period with a credit agreement so don't let him get the wheels dirty. It's going back. But if you let him keep it he's riding it to work every single day in all weathers and what he used to spend on his commute goes straight back into the family expenses - even if he has to sell his car and lack of car does not stop him fulfilling school runs etc he is meant to be a responsible adult. A good dad does not impoverish his family for his own hobby or entertainment.

@chuffedasbuttons I had one of those too. I only lasted for 7 years with mine. Occasionally I would explain to him that I was exhausted and could he please start taking some responsibility- he would ask what specifically I needed help with, do that one thing one time and then go back to leaving everything to me. One day I started the conversation again - "Please help me, I can't cope any more with being the only adult in the house" and I realised that it would just be the same forever and ever. I told him there and then I couldn't do it any more and he's lived with his mother ever since.