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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pissed of at DH

82 replies

Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 18:34

So more of a moan than anything so sorry about that

So my DH has a hobby - let's say cycling. And he decided at the weekend he wanted to buy a brand new bike for £750. He just decided this without having a discussion with me and it arrived today.

We don't have a joint account and we split the bills so the rest of our money is our own but I'm just so pissed of that he has spent that amount of money without even discussing it with me.

He has bought it on finance so it's not like 750 gone in one hit but we don't have a lot of money- we live paycheck to paycheck so it feels like a lot. Especially as recently we had a problem in the house that needed to be fixed urgently that cost £500. He didn't have any money so I paid that all of.

I would absolutely love to have £750 to just spend on whatever I want but I just don't. We have a DC so there's always things we need to buy for them, after all bills etc are paid there really isn't much left so buying treats isn't much of an option. I had my haircuts for the first time in 2 years a couple of months ago and that felt massive.

Idk what to do. I told him I was really upset that he's done this and he apologised etc but now I'm just left feeling so shitty but he's apologised so what can I even do?
Sorry that was a ramble.

TLDR - my DH spent £750 without consulting me. AIBU to continue to be upset after he has apologised?

OP posts:
Riv · 14/12/2020 19:04

So he pays half the food shop and half childcare bill. But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like. Why?
Why are you paying the whole amount for your DCs clothes and shoes? He’s not pulling his weight with food etc at the end of each month and not paying anywhere near half for his child 🤷🏻‍♀️
You need to calmly work out with him what joint expenditure is per month- Everything, bills, childcare, chid expenses like clubs and clothes and outings, a twelfth of annual subscriptions and insurance etc and a bit extra for holidays. Then split it between you in whatever proportion you feel right and put that in a joint account as soon as your money comes in with direct debits for the bills etc and two signatures required for withdrawal over a mutually decided amount (to prevent him blowing the annual bill accumulation ) then anything left over is personal spending.
That’s after he’s paid you his £250 share of that big bill.

AcornAutumn · 14/12/2020 19:08

@Pissoffbikes

He's shit with money. He can afford the repayments if it comes out at the beginning of the month. Part of the problem is that he spends all his money within the first week or two of getting paid so then it's down to me to get us through the rest of the month which is why I end up with no money.
This is his choice

Do you pay any of his bills eg phone? Stop.

AcornAutumn · 14/12/2020 19:09

@Pissoffbikes

So he pays half the food shop and half childcare bill. But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like that
That’s bonkers

Why?

Parker231 · 14/12/2020 19:16

He needs to check if there is a cooling off period to cancel the credit agreement. He doesn’t have the money to meet the repayments. He either cancels it or will need to get a second job.

TwentyViginti · 14/12/2020 19:18

He knows you'll bail him out. You're his bank of mummy.

Great dad? Er nope.

DeviousLatte · 14/12/2020 19:19

Shocked on the comment, he can afford it if monthly repayment is taken at the beginning of the month Shock That's not affording if it means he doesn't have any money later in the month Hmm

As one other poster said, ask him to transfer you a certain amount at the beginning of the month to cover all the household etc bills you pay. Including money for kids, food etc + potentially saving for family holiday if you decide that's what you want to go for. Then he has to manage for the rest of the month with what's left (or not). If there is unexpected expense that you pay, it gets added to the next month's payment.

GabsAlot · 14/12/2020 19:21

you mean he cant aford it because youre left with the bloody bills

hes not a great dad he doesnt even buy his own dc clothes

Leeds2 · 14/12/2020 19:22

I don't really think I could live with someone like that. He doesn't come across as a great dad or father, and he will end up taking you down with him.

TonMoulin · 14/12/2020 19:23

Your finances aren’t working.
You need to sit down and review the budget. Incl the costs of the dcs.

Put all that money in one pot that he can’t touch. If you are walking such a tight rope, he shouldn’t have at any point the feeling he can afford such an expense.

I don’t think your ressentment will change if you still feel he can take the mick again

thevassal · 14/12/2020 19:23

@Pissoffbikes

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful. He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character
how can he be a great dad if he'd rather spend money on a bike for himself than shoes or a holiday for his children?
TonMoulin · 14/12/2020 19:24

And yes the money needs to go in right at the start of the month

Original poster
Pissoffbikes · 14/12/2020 19:25

Okay some things on here pretty hard to hear but I do value all your opinions. Not sure what to say tbh. I'm just reading all the comments and trying to digest it all

OP posts:
Littleposh · 14/12/2020 19:27

@Pissoffbikes

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful. He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character
He's selfish every time you have to pay for something solo because he's spent up.

He's beyond selfish every time you buy your JOINT children something as basic as clothes and he doesn't bother.

In all honesty, the only personality trait I getting from this regarding him, is that he is selfish

BobbinThreadbare123 · 14/12/2020 19:27

Are you living pay cheque to pay cheque because of him?

WoolieLiberal · 14/12/2020 19:29

If it was from a joint account it would be unreasonable but if your arrangement is that once bills are covered, the rest of the money is your/his own, I don’t see why he needs to consult.

Look at it the other way- if you were posting here that DH was angry because you had spent £750 of your own money without consulting him, people here would be alleging controlling behaviour and suggesting you leave him!

Chewbecca · 14/12/2020 19:32

My DH used to be (well, probably still is) crap with money, spends every penny, and more.

My strategy was to load him up with all the household bills, leaving all disposable income with me. I was then able to save & spend on holidays, DC, home improvements etc.

Not an ideal solution as the underlying problem wasn’t resolved but the outcome was good and we’re both happy with the situation.

WoolieLiberal · 14/12/2020 19:33

For what it’s worth, DH and I have our own accounts and a joint account. We get pay into our own account then equal amounts go into joint and that’s what the bills/essentials come out of. The rest is our own but usually gets spent on family treats anyway!

CoffeeRunner · 14/12/2020 19:36

@Pissoffbikes

I think what upsets me the money is that I spoke to him about us looking to go on a family holiday. I found one that looked nice and total payment was less than the total of his new bike and monthly payments were about half but he said no because we can't afford it.

How come he can afford something new for himself but we can't afford a family holiday that's cheaper 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh good god.

How on earth does he justify this? I was undecided before reading this update (so long as his ability to pay the bills isn’t affected) but now - back it goes!

ilhahih · 14/12/2020 19:38

But I pay for anything DC needs like new clothes, shoes things like

He's not a great Dad if he isn't buying half of the things the DC needs.

You say you split the bills and the rest of the money is your own. In which case, he can spend his money on whatever he likes.
However, it's obvious that he is not contributing enough so the amount of money you both pay into the communal pot needs to be increased by a significant amount.
It shouldn't be a case of just half of the rent, gas, electricity, water, council tax etc. All other expenses need to be budgeted for - so you need to work out how much yearly things cost, such as insurances. And also you need to be saving each month into a joint fund for things like the washing machine breaking which means that if something like this happens, you can pay for it out of the money you have saved rather than one person forking out for it and the other buying themselves a fucking bike!!
If there isn't enough money in the communal pot when something breaks then the cost of replacement has to be shared between the two of you.

You need to sit down with him and rethink your finances completely. Only when EVERYTHING has been paid and money saved for a rainy day and the expenses relating to your JOINT child taken into account, then the money which each of you has left over is your spending money. Each of you can then decide what to spend your own money on and if he then wants to buy a bike that's his business.

CrystalMaisie · 14/12/2020 19:46

Can it be sent back?

Ellie56 · 14/12/2020 19:47

He's not a great dad if he doesn't provide for his children. He should be paying half towards their clothes, shoes and anything else they need. And great dads don't deny their children a fun family holiday just so they can buy themselves a new bike.

No wonder you have no money left over for treats OP. You're subsidising this useless selfish twat all the time

Time to reorganise your finances so he is paying his fair share and you have some money to treat yourself too.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2020 19:54

@Pissoffbikes

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful. He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character
NO HE'S NOT!!

Sorry, you are a 'typical MN Mug'

He's stopping your DC going on holiday and he doesn't contribute proportionately to your finances.

He is also selfish and thoughtless.

That bike needs to go back

EKGEMS · 14/12/2020 19:56

A fool and his money are soon parted but unfortunately you are the fool,OP to be subsidizing your irresponsible partner and shit dad

beavisandbutthead · 14/12/2020 19:57

So your enabling your DH to behave this way with money as your always covering costs or bailing him out.He has no incentive to change. He gets a bike while your covering all the additional costs. That bike would have been thrown out with him. My ex had lots of debts, spent his money within days leaving me to pick up the costs of everything. He enjoyed treating himself too and i would be left paying for that. I dumped his ass and moved on. I had his DC too, he wasnt a good dad, he left the mother of his DC struggling to ensure she had money to cover everything as she new he would be skint within a few days.

You need to stop covering this man child. your not his mother, and just out a matter of interest does he ever treat you to anything?

LilMidge01 · 14/12/2020 19:57

@Pissoffbikes

I don't want to sound like the typical MN mug who can't see their DH flaws but generally he's a great partner. Very caring, a great dad, very thoughtful. He is rubbish with money but he has been since we've been together so I just kind of accepted that as one of his flaws. It's just so weird that generally he is a great DH so doing something this selfish seems very out of character
I think people are being unfairly mean to judge his whole character off this. However, what he has done is extremely selfish and I think he's maybe being purposefulyl blind to it. Other tahn apologising do you think he really understands quite how selfish he's been? Have you asked for half the house repair bill back? have you pointed out that he said you couldnt afford the cheaper holiday that the whole family would enjoy rather than this one item that is just for him?

I think maybe a frankk conversation about the bigger picture would be helpful and if he still doesnt get it and/or doesnt care, then I would get very angry

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