To feel depressed with 3 children and a full time job

[Bedroomdilemma]

I just feel so drained. I have a demanding job and 3 kids, I’m old and it just feels like such HARD WORK with no end in sight. My DH is helpful but I’m also horrendous at house work stuff, I always feel like I’m falling behind, forgetting things re their school etc. I have a tendency to be scatter brained, I read an article about attention deficit disorder and I don’t think I have it but so much struck a chord...I just feel like I’ve really bitten off more than I can chew and there’s no way out. I’m just depressed. I have 3 healthy kids and what looks like a good job (which I feel like I’m shit at) but I just feel so depressed. AIBU to feel depressed when I have nothing to be sad about?

I hear you. I too have 3 children, a full time physical job, a dog and a dp that works late. I'm quite young and it's still exhausting, depressing and there is no end in sight. How old are your children? The only thing that keeps me going is the hope it will get easier as they get older!

How old are your kids? I take it there's no way you could work less / more flexibly? I do think there's a tipping point of busyness and it doesn't matter how organised you are...

YANBU. You’re probably exhausted and running on empty.

Sympathy from me. I work 4 days a week and have 1 DS and I find it hard enough!

I think having more DC is often what tips women over the edge if they work as well.

My MIL had three boys, always worked FT and became an assistant head teacher, and FIL usually worked away Mon-Fri. I do not know how she did it. I think she’d say it was incredibly hard and pushed her to the brink.

I don’t have any suggestions other than could you or DH drop down to a 4 day week? This year has been particularly hard with Covid and home educating children. Give yourself a break and take the pressure off wherever you can. You’re not alone.

My youngest has just turned one. My eldest is 8. I feel like I will be stuck in small child world for over a decade (youngest wasn’t planned). I am working at home and I think that has eased going back to work to some extent....but I still am exhausted and depressed. I wouldn’t make a great sahm, I found the last few months of my maternity leave not great (I am so bad at organisation, housework, and I’m an introvert so find it hard to always be “on” with the kids) but I’m also struggling with being back at work. There’s restructuring going on, I’m likely to be demoted to a certain extent, and at the same time I really feel like I haven’t done a great job since I’ve been back so I can’t really complain about being demoted. If I left they would probably be glad but it’s a v secure job in the time of Covid so leaving it’s probably not an option! It’s ridiculous but I feel crap when I don’t think I’m contributing much through my work. And there’s no time to rest with 3 kids.

It’s been a shit year abs Christmas is always hectic with children especially 3.

Give yourself a break.

If you can afford it outsource what you can of the house crap - it’s one of two fewer things to think about.

And the youngest isn’t a great sleeper so I have all the fun of sleep training to look forward to...my fault as well as I never get my kids in a routine and breastfeed to sleep. I’m the only one that can put baby to sleep, she wakes through the night and is in my bed.

I have 2 DC, one is just over one and I work full time and feel the same. Only thing that helps is to set up Alexa reminders and being able to shout at Alexa to put things on lists for me while I remember them.

For me the draining part is lack of sleep and also wanting headspace and time for work but never getting it

The only people I know who successfully have 3+ kids either don’t work / work very PT or work FT, earn a fortune and outsource a lot of house stuff / childcare.

I think it’s incredibly difficult if you aren’t one of these.

I recommend sleep training when your baby is old enough- we did it at 7 months and it was a life changer. If you’ve still got a baby it’s no wonder you’re on your knees- sleep train when you can and try and go to bed earlier in the meantime. Bugger the house work!

I definitely wouldn’t advise you quit your job- just that you or DH explore going down to a 4 day week- it may be what makes it manageable.

OP, you are incredibly hard on yourself.

I understand this, because I can always find a way to make everything my fault too, and I never feel like I'm doing a good job at anything!

But my heart clenches a little bit, when I see others doing it.

Do remember, you're at Friday, having giving everything you've got, and probably more, to your family, and to your job, and this is at the end of a very long, hard year, which has taken its toll on everyone.

If I get somewhat demoted I might explore going down to a 4 day week - I tried a 9 day fortnight before and it just didn’t work because I was never able to take my day off or I was getting called and I was doing the exact same work but with less money. It might be worth trying again if I thought the same thing wouldn’t happen again.

Sounds like there is a lot of self blame going on.
I agree re working hours reduction for one or both of you, outsourcing household stuff.
But also, have you spoken to a GP or self referred for NHS therapy? I know finding the time is so so impossible but you sound low (understandably) and it could help.

How were things before DC3?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time op. I think a demanding job plus 3 kids when you're not naturally organised is a lot. I don't know how to say this without it sounding awful, but 3 kids is a lot in your situation. Did you find it much easier with 2? If so what's changed? Is it just the addition of another child?

If the littlest one is still quite small you'll have had a lot of their life in lockdown. That's not easy. It does also sound like even if you don't have adhd or similar you could benefit from putting some stuff in place to help you be more organised.

I was exhausted working 3 days a week with 2 little ones so cannot imagine how exhausted you are. And it is so much harder to cope with everything when you're shattered. Take a deep breath and give yourself a huge pat on the back for what you are achieving every day. Focus on your strengths and not any weaknesses. And if the youngest sleeps better with you...just do what you need to survive at the moment. As they get older the physical exhaustion will get better.

Are there small quick wins that could help? Do you have a partner who can help you? Can you afford to have a cleaner once a week to take the household stress away? Anything that can take some of the burden off you x

Sorry, feels like I was minimising there saying you feel low. You feel depressed as you have told us, and that's a warning sign. Who else knows you feel depressed?

I would explore part time options or flexi if at all possible. I have 2 young kids, worked full time after no.1 and now work 3 days a week. We don't have as much money but God I feel amazing for it! Great balance of being at home and being in work, I highly recommend if its possible. Weve made sacrifices elsewhere - don't eat meat much, don't eat out much, I rarely buy clothes etc but for us it works well.

Ditto.

Could you pay for some help, like a cleaner to take some of the load? Also have you seen your GP?

Could you get a cleaner for a few hours per week? Can your partner take on more of the household/child stuff?

I also used to feel overwhelmed, tired, stressed and depressed permanently before Covid hit and I could work from home. Not rushing to and from work and childcare has made a huge difference to my quality of life.

Think about small things that would make a small difference and try to get them in place.

Could you ask to keep working from home at least part of the time (keep the kids in childcare to give you a break and some peace)

Maybe sit down with your partner and see what you can both come up with that would make things a little bit easier.

OP have you considered or are you aware of having PND? It doesn't always show up immediately after birth and can sometimes lay low for a while before hitting with full force. Make sure you're husband is aware you're overwhelmed and consider speaking to your GP. They may be able to assess your mental health or direct you to support groups.

Try to make a schedule for what you can i.e. what needs to be done in the morning and after school/work. See if you can work with DH to get tasks done together to make the load lighter.

You're doing your best and your children are happy and healthy. Try to find small happinesses and achievements and note them down, even if it's just 'DS made a pasta necklace and didn't lick my face when he cuddled me'. Hope you feel better soon, OP

Op I feel you, I only have two kids, but I work full time, so does dh and it just seems relentless and endless.

What happens when you try and get organised? What methods have you tried that didn't work? Often people make the mistake of trying to give themselves a huge life admin overhaul which doesn't stick, when a little change at a time can make a big difference. I'm a very visual person, so I have about six calendars and planners, and everything goes in them. I also am horrendous at mornings so I do as much as I can the night before to make the morning easier. Those small things make a big difference to me.

And as for being depressed without having anything to be sad about, depression and sadness are not the same thing. If you feel depressed then you feel depressed. You can have the most wonderful life in the world on paper and still be depressed. Depression is an illness, and like many illnesses there are a lot of ways to treat it, and manage it. And there are lots of lifestyle factors that make you more likely to get depression. Lack of sleep, not enough physical exercise and poor diet can all contribute, as can being overwhelmed, feeling out of control, and tbh, this year has been enough to depress anyone let alone anything else.

Talk to your dh, and to your gp. Have a think about what small things would lift the fog a bit, and get your dh on board with working together to make those things happen. Know that you are not alone either. What you describe is very familiar to me. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

If you can afford it, a cleaner would help to ease the load

This year has taken its toll on everybody. I hope 2021 is easier for you

You sound exhausted to me TBH! 3 children and working FT is an awful lot really.Can you drop a few days maybe ? Speak to DH and see what he thinks .If you are not managing then it will affect your MH. So many demands on you, and you feel stretched in all directions .Many women find young children /working long hours too much and its OK to say so!

I feel like I will be stuck in small child world for over a decade

You really must try not to think like this...it then appears monumental. Days are long but years are short. In a few short years, they will all be in school.