To feel depressed with 3 children and a full time job

[Bedroomdilemma]

I just feel so drained. I have a demanding job and 3 kids, I’m old and it just feels like such HARD WORK with no end in sight. My DH is helpful but I’m also horrendous at house work stuff, I always feel like I’m falling behind, forgetting things re their school etc. I have a tendency to be scatter brained, I read an article about attention deficit disorder and I don’t think I have it but so much struck a chord...I just feel like I’ve really bitten off more than I can chew and there’s no way out. I’m just depressed. I have 3 healthy kids and what looks like a good job (which I feel like I’m shit at) but I just feel so depressed. AIBU to feel depressed when I have nothing to be sad about?

Take Vitamin D3 if you always feel drained and exhausted.

Can you afford a cleaner a couple of hours twice s week? It makes a huge difference if you come home to.s clean and tidy house. My cleaner will peel potatoes and peel and chop carrots and put them in saucepans of water. When I worked full time I just came in door and switched on. She hangs out washing too. She changes child's bedding once a week. Hoover's, steam mops floors, cleans bathrooms, cleans top of cooker, wipes over window sills, polishes mirrors and dining room table and dust's.

Omg I needed to read this thread!

While I don't feel overwhelmed (with work) currently as I haven't returned to work since having my 2.5 year old, I am constantly worrying about what to do. I would like to go back but I feel like I have very little time as it is and going back to work would leave me with no quality time with my son and I dont think I'd even be better off financially as it stands! Plus I have lost my confidence and don't want to return to my old job but feel to scatty to do anything that requires me to focus and earn a half decent living!

I also have been wondering if I had ADD lately as all the signs point to it and looking back it makes sense to me now but has definetly got worse since having my son!

My partner also doesn't pull his weight and this makes my life harder than if I was a single mum (but not financially).

I feel for you working and looking after 3! I'm on the brink with one, a dodgy partner and no job! You are doing amazing!

There's some great advice on here. I definetly am a bit of an introvert (only child) and I really need my own space to think clearly! My mind is so cluttered these days I can barely manage a 'to do' list!! I've been thinking about calling the docs but didn't know where to begin so wasn't going to bother. I didn't want to go on ADs as I feel my anxiety /low mood is down to my situation but after others saying this would take the edge off I think perhaps this could be a good idea.

Thanks OP and others for the advice

I think you've got a lot of pressure there. Did you plan to have 3 kids? What discussion took place with your DH at the time about how you would cope? I have always worked full time and I knew 2 kids was my limit because of that.

You mention your DH once in reference to housework. But can he not earn more so that you can not be pulled in so many directions. Anyone who is juggling so much would eventually suffer with depression.

Good god woman! I'm not surprised. I only have 2 children and have only worked part time since having them. Plus I'm super organised naturally. I've worked 6 days for the last 3 weeks and am really struggling.

You need to address the 1 year old sleeping first.
More structure organisation and routine for the kids, who obviously like it, in the mornings.
Cleaner for a second day, to do more.
A chat to Dh politely about the fact he too needs to get on board Re not being late in the mornings.
Some you time. To do yoga. Meet with friends (when that's allowed, post covid) .

My friends and our WhatsApp group are my saving grace for having a winge and a moan. Do you not have close friends? None of your posts mention it?

I have 3 kids and work full time, the youngest is 4 and the oldest is 11. It does get a little bit easier in time! My golden rule is not to stress the small stuff- if I forget silly socks day, can’t find a school library book or other such nonsense it doesn’t matter. I don’t volunteer any time to the PTA, but I donate to the fundraisers. My kids learn to be self sufficient - the older two make their own packed lunches and get their own breakfasts in the morning. I have a cleaner and often at the weekend I insist on having nobody over, just to decompress. We have no family locally, so it’s just up to us to hold it together. It’s rewarding though to know that we can do it.

I've got 3 kids but I'm a sahm so not in the same situation but what's helped me is watching organising videos off YouTube and having things in routines. I also have minimised our things as much as possible so they become easier to manage. For example the boys only have 4 pairs of trousers and 4 long sleeved tops. Then they are easier to put away and you know what you have always fits. I follow "the minimal mom" for these things. Other things ive watched are fly lady routines. E.g. having a morning routine with a few basic things on you do every day like unload dishwasher, put a load of laundry on straight away and an evening routine of cleaning down the kitchen and laying out everyone's clothes the night before. There might be little things that can help you like having a jar of pound coins near where you leave the house for kids non uniform days etc. Small hacks will help. I also have a cleaner for 2 hours a week. My house is small so it's not that hard to keep clean, but minimising all our stuff has helped the most. I find watching YouTube organising videos while I'm cleaning motivates me. I also recommend " the fly lady Kat" on YouTube. She talks you through what you need to do and it's very therapeutic!..

OP this will be me in Jan.

I'm currently working shifts so they are very long days but I get a day off. It's going to come as quite the shock when my working hours become 9-5 mon-fri with 3 kids.

First thing I'm doing is employing a cleaner!
But remembering all the school stuff? I'm always forgetting things!

@Ilovewatermelon
You make a good point that ultimately these are distressing.amd depressing situations, so how will antidepressants help.

This is obviously a very individual question but on a societal level it is convenient for the status quo that so many women are working themselves into the ground leaving men to continue their careers, and if antidepressants are helping that along, I don't suppose anyone will massively question it.

You are not the problem OP. You may not be hugely organised (possibly because you are so sleep deprived and exhausted) but when did anyone ever expect a man to be able to organise a large family? Interestingly a researcher I heard speaking about couples who split the childcare and domestic labour completely equally found that women still did more of the "mental labour" of organising everything.

You are stressed and depressed because this is a stressful and depressing situation. Something has to change! And I would love it if that didn't have to be your career, but that your choice obviously and may be the best thing for you.

OP I’ve had this thread open for a couple of days waiting to have the time to reply! Same boat here and YA absolutely NBU. 3 kids, full time job (it’s my own business so also generates the business/admin/paperwork side which has to be done at home around kids and the actual hands-on job, which itself is pretty full-on and demanding), DH is alright-ish but doesn’t take on any mental load whatsoever and is out the house 12+ hours a day so minimal practical use. I’m exhausted. My kids are 8, 4 and 2 and it’s easier than it was a couple of years ago (I had 2 under 2 and by God that was hard) but my youngest is a holy terror and it’s still knackering. I have a cleaner 1.5 hours a week and she does the basics (bathroom, hoover, dusting, kitchen clean) and is a fucking godsend. I love her SO much, I’ve only had her a few months and I’m wondering how I ever lived without her. We also use the slow cooker, do a couple of easy meals a week, low-clutter house, I have all my systems etc etc but while all those things make it survivable, they very much do not make it enjoyable.
I’ve just got to plug through it for now but have semi-decided that from next school year I’m going to drop to 4 days - it’s the last year before my youngest goes to school and I know I’ll regret it if I don’t spend the time with her. And it might give me a chance not to feel like I’m chasing my tail constantly! Total solidarity though OP, there are no answers that I can tell unless you have endless money to chuck at stuff which I don’t. Feel few to PM me any time you want a rant

@Bedroomdilemma this has been an incredibly tough year anyway, plus you had an unplanned third child so have been plunged back to the baby years when you thought you were moving on. But much of what you say resonates. I have 3 children and worked full time most of my career (kids now grown up.) I also felt I was spectacularly average at housework and being organised!

My top tips would be:

• get a cleaner if you can afford it (I couldn’t while I had 2 in nursery which was when I needed it most, but I prioritised it as soon as we could)
• make sure your dh is pulling his weight all round. You are both parents, you both live in the house, you both eat meals... there is simply no logical reason why one of you should do more, when both of you work.
• it may be worth considering cutting back work hours for dh or you but I would only consider that if you know you can step back up to full time once the kids are all in school and it’s a little easier. My reason for saying it may seem a bit remote right now but honestly, in the long term you’re going to be so glad you don’t have a part time pension. I dropped my hours when I had preschoolers but upped them as soon as the youngest turned 4 because I knew if I didn’t do it then, I’d probably find it far too convenient not to! Now I’m at the other end of my career, in my fifties, planning early retirement, I realise maintaining a full time career for most of my working years was the very best thing I could have done. You can outsource so much stuff once childcare fees drop to just wraparound school care- cleaning, ironing, plus do all shopping online. I looked on the outsourcing as an investment really because it enabled me to work more and earn more which means meant more in the pension pot.

Those years with young children are so tiring but take it from me as woman in her 50s, you’re going to feel far less inclined later on to be working into your older age because you haven’t given yourself financial security

OP,
You are juggling a huge amount, largely on your own.

You sound truly exhausted, unsurprisingly.

Yours is the most secure job, yet you are putting at risk by allowing your husband to be quite selfish.

He needs to do his share.
End of.

Do not go part time with such a selfish partner.

I can only imagine how challenging this is but you have to look after yourself.

If you don't you are at risk of getting sick and then he will have to step in.

Sit down and spell it out for him.

no wisdom I'm afraid, just another person saying 'it is so hard''.

I have teens, single parent, ft job, no car.

Can you pay the 8 year old to make the lunches? I always hated making lunches!! That was the final straw.

I serve so much junk food, fishfingres peas and potatoes, pizza, chips. lasagne. Only cook once a week.

It is hard.

How much time off do you have over Christmas? Can you use some of it to make some organisation plans? If you suspect ADD, then it won't hurt to use some the planning techniques to help organise yourselves.

www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/managing-adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm

Use visual timetables to get the kids used to a structure, they're more likely to follow pictures then having to listen to cajoling.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/amp/t-c-081-visual-timetable-for-home

Set an egg timer for 15 mins & get everyone to tidy up. The egg timer makes it fun and the person who tidies the most gets a little prize. It will help you tackle the clutter on a regular basis rather than leaving it all for one day.

Get everyone involved in meal planning and then put an online shopping delivery in. Mine have become less fussy eaters now that they get to choose their meals in advance.

Get your dh to load & set the washing machine on a delayed wash so it's ready to hang up in the morning.

You two both need to sit down and devise a plan for next year. Don't drop a day as you need your job, he needs to step up on his quiet days.

I hear you. I have 3 kids, work full-time in a senior management role, going through a divorce and STBXH lives in another continent earning shitloads.
Oh, and I am buying a new house also.
It is too much and the dr has signed me off work for a few weeks.
My DC are older though - eldest 13 and youngest is 7. It does maken some things easier. For example - eldest picks youngest up from school and takes her home. I can leave them to go to the shops or go for a run.

I have three kids. I work four days in what I consider to be a demanding role.

I think I'm only getting by because I have:

1. One amazing husband! Who does all the cooking! Plus,

1. One amazing cleaner.

I am privileged just to have both of these (I was once a single mum with neither, so I know how that feels too..). And I know there are many, many mums don't have either of the above and just get on with it all the same...

Otherwise, I suppose we just all let standards slip a bit right? You literally can't do everything.

Gosh, that sounds like a lot. Your DC are still quite young...

have not read it all but:

• Can you or DH reduce the working hours somewhat?

-Is there any money you can throw at (cleaner etc)

• Worth seeing GP. People with seemingly perfect lives get depressed. Having a decent job and 3 healthy children does not disallow you to feel down.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

Just saw you are early 40s. Could also be to some extend perimenopause. It certainly has had an effect on me, my mood, energy levels. Defo have a chat with the GP. Also, get a full blood count to see if iron etc is all in order.

So many useful tips here, and it helps to know other people are in the same boat! I do have some (not many) friends but none of us are great at staying in touch by phone, and obviously aren’t really meeting up this year. I did meet a friend yesterday though, and it really helped. I think a routine is essential, And I just have to reiterate how important it is to DH. Anytime I try to get a system in place, whether it be laundry, organising the cupboards, fridge & toys etc, naps he just ignores it!

Honestly you need to sit down and have a full and frank discussion with your husband. If I was you, it would be an ultimatum but that’s your call. From what you’ve said he’s adding to your stress and undermining your position. I’d be tempted to make him read this thread.

You need a routine and you need him to be a hands on father. Your exceptionally lucky to have a secure job, frankly with this economic position I’m amazed you’re only worried about being demoted, not redundant. He needs a strong sharp shock. Your kids deserve better.

If he takes more of the load you then have some room for breathing/getting the house and routines sorted.

He is a huge part of the problem.
By ignoring routines that might help the situation, he is actively working against you, to make your life harder.

That is just completely unacceptable.

That is what will bring you to a point where the love will die and you will want him out of the house.

Teamwork is crucial with the load you carry.

By actively, deliberately working against you, he is elevating your stress enormously.

You need to realise this.
You need to communicate this to him clearly.

So the next time he does it you can spell it out to him "so YOU are deliberately trying to make things harder for me?, despite me asking you not to?"

Every single time.
Spell it out.

It will drive it home to both of you that he is a huge part of the problem.

I really believe this is very important before your marriage is irretrievably damaged.