To feel depressed with 3 children and a full time job

[Bedroomdilemma]

I just feel so drained. I have a demanding job and 3 kids, I’m old and it just feels like such HARD WORK with no end in sight. My DH is helpful but I’m also horrendous at house work stuff, I always feel like I’m falling behind, forgetting things re their school etc. I have a tendency to be scatter brained, I read an article about attention deficit disorder and I don’t think I have it but so much struck a chord...I just feel like I’ve really bitten off more than I can chew and there’s no way out. I’m just depressed. I have 3 healthy kids and what looks like a good job (which I feel like I’m shit at) but I just feel so depressed. AIBU to feel depressed when I have nothing to be sad about?

I have 3 as well, eldest same age as your eldest. I want to tell you that life will get easier in even just a year - my youngest is coming up to 3 and everything is so so much more manageable than it was when i was dealing with work, kids, doing everything at home and still breastfeeding a young toddler. I couldn't keep it up so I stopped working. I've started again now and things are easier.

You must go PT op. I think this will make the single biggest change to your life. Go as PT as you can and cut costs elsewhere as necessary. It is simply too much trying to do what we mothers do with very young children and work. Even with one young child it is very difficult.

We (and some of our mothers) are among the first women in history to be trying to do all this in such a hostile-to-young - children working culture. It's fucking nuts and it means so many of us are in the trenches wondering is the world mad or is it us. I believe it's not us. I believe you will start feeling a lot better once you're getting sleep and working less. Try to find a way to give less of a shit about work. So easier said than done, but it is life-changing.

Your littlest is still so young.
No wonder your finding it tough.

Another one here, 3 DC, still BFing baby, just landed big stressful job that is going to mean an international relocation and going up to FT. DC all deeply wanted but cause non stop chaos. DH is absolutely an equal but even with the two of us we feel close to breaking. The thing is I am not actually a strongly career person - I'm doing this because it would feel like a failure not to, because we need the money, and because I don't want to let down the cause of feminism, but in many ways I wish I could work less and spend more time sorting the house and the kids while they are so young.

Just want to say that your OP really struck a chord with me. Same issue here with 21 month old still waking in the night for a breastfeed (cosleeps too). I work full time and have two kids and feel old and knackered too. My job can be quite stressful at times and I WFH too and I don't know how I would have coped if I had been working in the office this last year, although home schooling and working from home together killed me. We don't even have much to show for working either and sometimes I look around and see a lot of SAHM's and wonder how they afford it. My life is constant work and graft and I can't even get a decent roof over our heads! I am severely disillusioned with everything to be honest and I have no joy in my life. I'm almost wishing the years away until my kids are older and easier to manage, which is really sad.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but just wanted you to know you are not alone. I hear it gets better as kids get older. I hope there are some suggestions on here. I do hope we don't get the "get a cleaner" or "do more exercise" suggestions though and get something more helpful. People overlook the fact you have no time to yourself with kids and a FT job and that not everyone who works has loads of spare cash to throw at cleaners (besides I hate the idea of someone around my stuff anyway)

I feel for you OP. I have two DC and when I worked full time I suffered from chronic labyrinthitis due to the stress. I am part time now but still feel like I’m not doing well at the demanding job or at being a mother (sometimes).
The scatterbrain comes from having too much to think about. Please know most people would find it too much and you are doing your best xx

@yorkshirepuddddiiing

Attached planner I use

I love this! I'm now thinking we need over if these too. Might mean the end of having to remind my DH every single week about my regular commitments.

*one of these

Disagree with going PT until you are sure that your DH is working equally at home. PT is not an acceptable solution to your DH refusing to be a grown up.

I hear you ! Single mother with full time work and two very demanding DS
I’m
Not depressed though as I’m on ADs
But more importantly I’m very relieved to be single
However , it’s hard hard gruelling work

And no easy answers

What ailing you the most ? What upsets you the most ?

For organisation, consider trying The Organised Mum Method. The app (and Facebook group) have helped me feel more in control. It gives you a tick list of things to do and just takes away a bit of the mental load. But DH should be doing things too and older DC could have a few chores. It shouldn't all be on you. Hope it gets better. I went down to 4 days per week but this was a decision with DH who does contribute at home and tops up my pension so that is worth thinking about if possible.

OP, I notice you have said a couple of times words to the effect that you think you "shouldn't" be depressed because you have a nice life with lots of things to be thankful for so you shouldn't complain, but that isn't how depression works One of the major risk factors for depression is big life changes and it doesn't actually matter if that change in itself is negative or positive, so while, say, bereavement and divorce are risks so are things like house moves and promotions - and babies! And you have been through a lot of changes in the past few years.

Would you consider trying a low dose antidepressant? People often find that a low dose is enough to "take the edge off" and reduce their feelings of being overwhelmed so that they can cope with everything else, so you may find that making that relatively small change is enough to significantly improve things. There is no shame in taking antidepressants, if you had high blood pressure you'd take a pill for that as well as making lifestyle changes to help and mental health problems are similar.

There are antidepressants that are compatible with breastfeeding, and I don't think you've made a rod for your own back with breastfeeding to sleep and/or cosleeping - it's completely biologically normal for babies to sleep that way. However, it is incredibly difficult to do it alone, what does your husband do to share the load? Mine used to get up with the baby/toddler every morning from 5:30am so that I could catch up on sleep (a short lie in on weekdays, long ones on weekends). The Facebook group Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond is good.

Thank you so much all. My job can be ridiculously stressful, combination of internal politics, a demanding subject-matter, constant meetings (challenging for an introvert) and requiring enormous energy to overcome my scatterbrained nature (unfortunately I’ve been like that since childhood). I hold everything in and don’t talk about it, maybe I should try to offload a little to DH but there’s a limit to what I can say & what he’s interested in! Definitely will look at dropping a day. The job is secure though, my DH’s isn’t, so ultimately I am the reliable breadwinner and need to keep the show on the road. It will be 6 months before I could drop a day though so need to keep going in meantime...
It is hard to see an end to it, the constant slog, but it is good to remind myself it should get easier when baba is nearing 3 (just about when I kept getting pregnant again - never again!)
Maybe the pandemic is affecting things because there’s little to look forward to. For about 3 weeks before going into lockdown again, I got out to a yoga class which was a break. But then it stopped. We are seeing family at Christmas but I have a constant little tight knot of worry about it and exposing them. But they’ve missed so much of this baby growing up and they’re desperate to see her - the one thing about having 3 children is she is absolutely adorable, in fact they’re all loving, healthy (but energetic) kids. We have no family living near us so sometimes I think the pandemic is hiding how limited we are in what we can do (no one fit to look after the baby). But maybe the pandemic is affecting me more than I think, despite the benefits of home working. I basically have nothing in my life but children and work.
I will definitely try hard to be organised. Unfortunately this would actually mean doing more myself as DH is so naturally disorganised (in certain ways), but I need to do what I can!

Covid is driving so many of us to the brink. A life with no novelty is so hard, month after month. Some ideas:

• if you feel depressed go and talk to the GP. Don’t put it off. You might have an employee assistance programme at work too? Call them - can be very helpful
• sort out your contraception. The last thing you need is another baby.
• get the little one’s sleep sorted. Broken sleep kills your energy. I would go for a sleep consultant, costs money but makes a big difference quickly in my experience.

It’s a tough phase. You are doing SO much. Recognise what you ARE doing, not beat yourself up for what you are NOT doing.

Sometimes I write a “done” list at the end of the day rather than a “to do” list when I need to recognise just how much I am getting through.

How old are you OP?

@TheVanguardSix, early 40s.

That's interesting op that you said you're an introvert. You know I think motherhood is much harder for introverts...you probably need head space and downtime away from everyone but you're never going to really get that with three kids and a full time job.

Yes, I absolutely agree that going PT needs to come hand in hand with husband growing up and taking on his share of the daily drudge. 100%.

I also agree with the reminder to recognise what you are doing not what you aren't.

Finally I think it's good news that your job seems secure. I bet you are doing fine at it overall. I recommend stating what you need, no apologies or explanations, in terms of working fewer days. You might be surprised at the response?

It really will get easier when you're not breastfeeding and the baby is just a bit older and can go along in the gang with your other 2 more...

Feel for you. Same here 2 teens and full T. Feel just chasing my tail all the time. She in school so cant do alot. Does bring dog out. My friend has cleaner. I do few quick dinners 1 takeaway in the week. It is hard.

Just no downtime when you do full time hours.

I was more depressed when I had my ex around to be honest
Now if the house is shit who cares

I agree about low grade ads , they take the edge off and give you
More clarity to implement small changes

Could demotion be a blessing in disguise?

OP I could write the same as you, I’m so mentally and physically exhausted and I’ve only two children. I’m actually considering handing in my notice in the new year as I feel completely drained and on the verge of a mental breakdown! I have been WFH 8am- to late in the night Monday to Friday, the demand and pressure of my job is getting to me and I feel like I am neglecting my family, I am definitely expected to work those extra hours and not get paid, constant calls and last minute deadlines, I feel that directors etc are putting an unnecessary amount of pressure on us, knowing that we can’t say no as our laptops are in our homes due to Covid. My DH job is equally as demanding, and he usually has to work late into the night too, but he earns more than double than me, so he can’t reduce his hours. I don’t know what the answer is, I tried dropping my hours down to part time and only worked 4 days a week, I found I was given the same amount of work to produce as I did full time and ended up working late into the evenings to meet the deadlines, yet not getting paid for the extra hours. I went back to full time, same work load, but non stop.

I wish I knew the answer. I hope things get easier for you!

@TheWeightOfWords , more and more I am thinking possibly yes!
I’m not sure about ADs. I have had success in the past with improving my mood by completely cutting out alcohol, reducing sugar etc, but that was when I was getting a little sleep and with one less child!

Introverted mother of three here, it gets easier as they get older. For about 6 years I just survived and, yes, got demoted in that time which was devastating. But I’ve pulled it back to a degree and I hope for the same for you. It’s bloody hard work, you are amazing for being here and holding on. The easiest number of children is your number minus one, you are storming what many find hard. Respect xx

@Bedroomdilemma - could you get a cleaner to come for a few hours a week? Maybe have one night a week that is a take away night? Definitely get the baby on a good bedtime routine - easier said than done obv!

These things are how most women working full time with little ones survive it. The once a week cleaner is according to friends, the saving grace. Try and give yourself a bit more help or a few fewer responsibilities.