To feel depressed with 3 children and a full time job

[Bedroomdilemma]

I just feel so drained. I have a demanding job and 3 kids, I’m old and it just feels like such HARD WORK with no end in sight. My DH is helpful but I’m also horrendous at house work stuff, I always feel like I’m falling behind, forgetting things re their school etc. I have a tendency to be scatter brained, I read an article about attention deficit disorder and I don’t think I have it but so much struck a chord...I just feel like I’ve really bitten off more than I can chew and there’s no way out. I’m just depressed. I have 3 healthy kids and what looks like a good job (which I feel like I’m shit at) but I just feel so depressed. AIBU to feel depressed when I have nothing to be sad about?

OP what do you have for childcare?

Also have 3 children, demanding job and was doing a 130 mile commute too. Long story short, the nursery/after school pick up was really stressful and so we got an after school helper (a girl we'd known from nursery). She picked them up from nursery/school, gave them tea, played a couple of games and got them changed. the first night I got home at 6.30 and they were in their PJs having a story & I burst into tears!

It was only 2 nights a week but it took such a lot of stress off my shoulders. Is that a possibility?

Do you have a friend you could download to? A family member.

My 3 are secondary school age and whilst that seems a long way off for you now, it'll come round quite quickly. Once they are old enough to start helping, being a little more independent, it does get easier.

I hear you. Like you, I have three children and work full time. No partner or husband and just to add to the mayhem, we have a puppy! What was I thinking?! I feel constantly knackered and this time of year it is even worse. So much is expected and I feel like I am barely holding it together. The house needs a bloody good clean but a weekend of doing that sounds hellish!

We have a pinboard with ALL notices and letters on, the family calendar is the bible inc events at school etc. DH and I coordinate our annual leave, work diaries and prioritise any child-related stuff.

We have a regular routine where we do jobs like changing sheets on Sundays, wiping down the bathroom quickly every few days keeps on top it of it rather than doing a deep clean.

It's about team work, communication and keeping a note of what's going on

Dear OP, as others have said you ARE being far too hard on yourself and I believe as others have said you ARE also depressed. Having 3 children and working full time is no easy task. No wonder you are exhausted. I think in this day and age of social media it can be easy to look at others who seem to have it all and think that you are going wrong somewhere?
Have you spoken to the doctor about how you feel? Doctors can sometimes be a little flippant about this so you can always get a second opinion or get someone to go with you. Counselling may also help if you are able to access this? Good luck and please stop being so hard on yourself. 🌺

Is there a local help you can pay that would mind baby and a bit of housework.

OP you are a parent to three children, one who is very young, your sleep is disturbed and you’re working FT. You are not a superhero. Something has to give. Your energy is a cake and there are only so many slices.

Please think about hiring help.

Define just how ‘helpful’ DH is?

Oh I could have written aspects of your post. I have a new full time job, 3 kids, youngest is 8 months (not sleeping/feeding to sleep) and I am struggling. I have no family in the UK and I am finding life very difficult.

In fact I have just written a long letter to DH telling him he needs to take 50 % of the house/kids/life/thinking work from me and stop bloody telling me to speak to him nicer instead of just giving him jobs to do all the time.

All I can say is I am right there with you and it sucks at the moment. I am hoping it will one day get easier. My dream would be to drop to 3 days a week, that is the only way any of life would become sort of manageable. x

Thanks all, there’s so many helpful messages here. We do have a cleaner once a week, and a minder who looks after the baby and picks up the elder two from school (no way I could do without childcare, we had to juggle for a few weeks without when we couldn’t find someone when I went back to work, was a nightmare). So I know I’m spoilt and should have nothing to complain about. My DH will also cook and clean. However he works irregular hours, and also resists routine which means I can struggle to put one in place although the kids thrive on it. Eg I have early morning calls which mean he does the school drop usually but he is always very very late and doesn’t really care. But then he has early jobs a couple of times a week which means I do it, I always end up shouting at the kids to hurry up, brush their teeth etc etc and I forget their lunch box or school bag...the kids have no routine. I know it would be much easier with the routine because once just before I had the baby he had a long stretch of early jobs and by day 3 or 4 the school drop was much easier. Or since I put in place set nights for bath time I no longer face resistance from the kids. Someone asked what it was like before the third - well to be honest I struggled then too because I was out of the house longer and my DH worked longer hours which often meant I was doing bath and bedtime alone and oh my, did they fight - maybe looking for my attention. Lockdown has made it easier in some ways - I don’t know how I’ll cope when back to the commute and wrangling all the kids on my own after an Absolutely exhausting day...

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. Being a mum is hard work especially to three little ones, let alone also doing a demanding job on little sleep in the middle of a pandemic. The baby years will pass and you will sleep again, it feels relentless when you have a child who doesn’t sleep. There’s nothing wrong with feeding to sleep, I did this and both of mine now sleep well, with the odd blip. It sounds like you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. What small things can you do for yourself? Can your other half take the little ones out for a bit on a weekend so you have some time? Are there any systems you can put into place to make the house side of things easier? Maybe drawing up a plan with your husband re who does what. Popping everything in an online diary with reminders. Batch cooking. Repeat online food orders. Could you afford a cleaner? Now probably isn’t the time to do it but I Marie Kondo’d the house and that’s made the day to day stuff much easier as although the house is often a tip it’s really quick to tidy at the end of the day. Most of all be kind to yourself, lower your standards and most of all it’ll get easier especially once Covid settles down too.

The reminders about sleep, eating well and exercise are really good though, they’ve made a difference in he past. And I think I will definitely look to drop a day in work.

@Stepintochristmas - it’s me who’s not v good at housework, DH is not bad.

I definitely need to marie Kondo the house, it’s full of clutter!

@Stepintochristmas

Your husband is “helpful”? He’s not there to “help” you. He is in a 50/50 partnership with another adult human being. Would you let someone at work get away with not pulling their weight?

You say he’s not very good at housework but a parent doesn’t get off that lightly. You don’t need special training or years of experience to be able to cook an edible meal, clean and tidy.

This ^^

It sounds like a routine would work for you and the kids, so.you need to make it clear to dh that he needs to support that or get out of the way maybe?

And the youngest isn’t a great sleeper so I have all the fun of sleep training to look forward to...my fault as well as I never get my kids in a routine and breastfeed to sleep. I’m the only one that can put baby to sleep, she wakes through the night and is in my bed.

The fact that you mentioned this screams out at me. I’m a lone parent and went back to work full time when my son was 6m old. I definitely wasn’t at my best then and was coping but certainly not exceeding or doing anywhere near as well at work as I had before. It was a new job so I’m not sure anyone noticed, but now that my DS sleeps through life is so much more manageable and I am much better at my job and everything else. I know it might not seem it right now but when you do get your youngest sleeping you will feel better.

That being said, no you’re not unreasonable to be depressed. Depression isn’t something we choose and if you feel depressed then the best thing you can do is talk to someone (friend, partner, doctor) as ultimately it may be something you need treatment for and nobody on Mumsnet is qualified to decide that without knowing you in real life.

Yanbu

Having kids alone is absolutely exhausting nevermind everything else.

If you genuinely feel depressed do speak to your doctor, anti depressants made a huge difference to my mood and desire to get up and get moving each day.

We have a family planner on display in the kitchen. (See pic attached) Each person has their own section and a 'misc' section too. At the start of the year I put in all birthdays to remember, school holidays, Inset days etc. When the weekly school newsletters are sent out I take a few minutes to put anything important on there for each child. It really helps to see everything for the month at a glance for the whole family. It also means that it's clear of anything will clash or if childcare might be needed.

Can you batch cook and freeze portions?
Or try a subscription for food packages of easy cook meals with everything you need for the week included? It would cut down on food shopping and having to think too much about what to cook.
I try and make some meals that will have enough leftovers for everyone the next day so a couple of days are just easy reheating a cooked meal.

I try to have a quick dash around the house at the end of each day once the kids are in bed and do a very basic clean to keep things looking reasonable between big cleans.
Antibacterial spray on kitchen surfaces, quick squirt of window cleaner on the glass doors (as the kids lick them daily and make handprints everywhere), vacuum, plump cushions, simple things that don't actually take very long but just make the house feel tidy. I don't relax well if I can see crumbs on the floor or sticky finger prints I do a 'big' clean every couple of weeks but doing little bits here and there make it still feel ok in between.

Im no good in the morning so I try and do what I can the night before. Put uniforms out for the kids. Have bags and coats and shoes ready by the door. Make sure dishes are washed dried and put away so the sink and drainer is clear for breakfast pots.

I also am very strict about finding myself at least one an hour a week just for me. I have a hot bath, hair and face treatment masks, I trim my nails and paint them, tweeze stray eyebrow hairs. I always put moisturiser on my face too. Basic grooming that makes me feel better when I'm having to rush out in the mornings. There's no time for fancy hair and makeup on weekdays but I feel better knowing I've taken the time to look after myself. But it could be anything that you want. Exercise. Read. Lie infront of the tv. Whatever you want!

Don't be hard on yourself. Try some of the tips on this thread for managing your day to day life better. Speak to your GP. If you can easily afford a cleaner or babysitter/nanny to take some pressure off then do it!
It will get better with time.

I could have written the same post, OP, even though in my case the third child was wanted. It's been quite the eye-opener: I'm living the feminist dream (''), equal job to my husband's, he does pull his weight around the house --

and it's a fucking hamster wheel all the time. I feel like I do neither the parenting nor my job quite right; always catching up, always trying not to drop balls or picking up dropped ones.

Part of it is me, I guess - bit of trauma - but I also think, quite honestly, that I'm getting a worse deal than my husband. He considers himself quite the progressive for doing his part at home, whereas I feel like (and am treated like) I'm just reverting to banal domestic female type when doing the same.

Meanwhile at work, he thinks it is absolutely fine that he is ambitious and committed, and so does everyone else, while I guilt myself if work distracts from the kids and have to deal with male colleagues closing ranks and finding me either difficult or negligible.

You know my number one bug bear? Male colleagues with stay at home wives who try to have conversations with me about the challenges of running a family with more than 2 kids. They can eff right off, they have no idea.

I don't have much advice, OP. I'm wondering about reducing my own work commitments, but I fear I'd just do not a lot less work for a lot less money. But I can assure you you're not being unreasonable. I hope you find a change that works for you.

Attached planner I use

I wonder if you are exhausted rather than actually depressed. I'm not saying that to minimise how you are feeling, I'm just speaking from personal experience of 10 years of broken nights with two poor sleepers (5 yeRs between them and neither slept through reliably until they started school at 5yrs old!) I absolutely struggled with the lack of sleep and it definitely affected my mood, energy and general attitude towards feeling that I could cope.
No easy answers for you but sending support and empathy your way.

Yeah I'm not suprised you're knackered. I have one toddler, one very helpful teen, an even more helpful husband, and work 3 days a week (was 4 until just before lockdown) and I'm only starting to hit my stride since I started mainlining multivitamins, worked on my fitness levels, and, crucially, put the toddler in her own bed whereupon she now sleeps a lot better - and so do I. Full time with a one year old and two primary aged is brutal.

The end is in sight for you, I've just put my toddler's name down for preschool when it feels like I was planning her first birthday party three seconds ago. Older children are easier and you can start clawing back your own time - I know you have an 8 year old but you've never had time to appreciate the difference in intensity if you've had two small ones at regular intervals since.

You're almost over the peak of this particular hill. As others have said, look into different working arrangements, look into getting a cleaner- I once moonlighted as a cleaner, and honestly if you can afford even a few hours a fortnight it's worth every penny. People often think a cleaner is for those who are posh and have more ££ but honestly after having been one, I'd get one in a heartbeat if I felt the need, even though we're still quite a low income family - I'd make sacrifices elsewhere, because a good cleaner is worth her weight.

The other thing is a good vitamin tablet and plenty of vitamin D. Easier said than done but time to make sure you're taking care of your own health even if it's just ensuring you've a five minute shower. It will get easier

@ThreeLocusts
So agree re the big bear of the blokes with a non working partner who think they are in the same boat as you as a working mother to small children. My old boss was one of these and it used to drive me crazy listening to him comparing himself to me!
I don’t have 3 kids, only 2 which I find hard enough and I only work 4 days but I do a full job (previous person doing same job worked 5 days so I just have to be more efficient which doesn’t always work well)!

Anyone would be exhausted in those circumstances.
Can you get a cleaner or a nanny a few days?
Or cut your hours down for a bit? Or can your DH do more?

Yes, you're spoiled with a cleaner, blabla... but that aside not being organised is a real issue which can really drain you I know, I've been working as a project manager for 20+ years :)
A few tips from a fellow scatterbrain, but only 1 kid and yet our homelife was a mess at one point as I didn't want to "work" at home. But it helps actually.

For most of these I use a wall and diff colored post its

1. create a list of chores and organize them in groups of how often you need to do them. Daily/weekly/monthly

1. create a list of recipes that everyone likes and if you don't have the smallest inclination of cooking a proper dinner go for freezes pizza. It's fine.

1. Take time to look at your kitchen from a new perspective. Think what you use and how many times. We used to have our salt in the cupboard on the left wall. Hob on the wall in front of me. It turns out that I had to go 2 steps, open the door, take out salt, close the door (yes, otherwise big bump), walk back, put salt in etc. Now it sits only 60 cm from the hob.

Really question if things are where they are because they are efficient or because they were always there and even your mum has it in the same spot in her kitchen. Surprisingly this can save a lot of time when cooking.

1. Try to do some tasks whilst doing something else.

• after every number 2 clean the full toilet bowl with the duck thingy. 10 seconds. At the weekend cleaning ritual this won't need to be done.
• after brushing your teeth, every 2nd day clean the sing with viakal (or whatever you use). Again 20 sec. but it'll always feel shiny and clean.
• after putting dishes away take 20 sec to clean the kitchen sink. every day.

think through your routine and try to get into the habit of doing these. It'll make life easier. After 10 years I now have to only do some tidying, hoovering on the weekend. I do the dusting whilst I'm waiting for the pasta to cool down/cook. I clean other surfaces in the odd 5 mins till the food is ready. I know that with 3 kids it will be waaaay harder, but some bits might be useful.