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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 12th birthday

102 replies

Twatalert · 10/12/2020 19:43

This was in the 90s. I remember it like yesterday. It was my 12th birthday. We didn't have much money for luxuries. I received two presents from my parents. A world atlas in book form i needed for school and a pyjama. I remember crying and feeling deflated that my own parents could not think of a little something to make it nice, a surprise, just something done with love.

It was a school day and I was dreading the question 'so, what did you get for your birthday?'. I had an awful day. That birthday stuck with me forever, although birthdays were always a small affair in our family.

AIBU now and then for feeling like this?

OP posts:

pepsicolagirl · 10/12/2020 19:45

No I don't think so but have you ever spoken to them about it? willing to bet they felt worse than you did if money was tight x

HUCKMUCK · 10/12/2020 19:47

How did it compare to what you got other years? If the norm was more than that, there must have been a good reason.

MaMaD1990 · 10/12/2020 19:48

Its not unreasonable to look back and feel sad about it but there isn't anything you can do to change whats already happened. I hope you've had plenty of wonderful birthdays since then!

Rainbowsoup · 10/12/2020 19:51

I can sympathise with you. Birthdays weren’t a big thing when I was growing up. I remember one year we went to my nans ‘for my birthday’ when in reality it was me sat upstairs on my own whilst my mum and Nan chatted downstairs, it made me feel so sad hearing other people’s big plans. As an adult I actually don’t like a fuss but always make sure my children never go disappointed! It’s not about the money but the effort

AuntyCandthefishfingersandwich · 10/12/2020 19:56

Honestly I don't really remember many birthdays.
If I ever had a party it was normally joint with one or both of the kids born either side of mine.
Not sure I remember any of my presents.
My parents have never really spend money on material things, if I ever suggested something it would always be the cut price version I got. Even when they had money to spend.

Buscircles · 10/12/2020 20:04

Agree that they would feel even worse that they couldn’t do anything for you.

Devillishlypicklypickles · 10/12/2020 20:11

I don't remember exactly which birthday it was, I was probably somewhere around 12/13ish my mum got me a bunch of clothes that were absolutely not my style at all, tight shiny leggings and a stiff white shirt with massive collar and cuffs etc. Conveniently enough they were right up my mum's alley and we wore the same size back then, she was delighted when I admitted I didn't really like them and quickly squirreled them into her wardrobe. That was a disappointing present!

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 10/12/2020 20:15

If it was a one off then it's probably a bit petty to still dwell on it op. If they were routinely miserable and thoughtless then yanbu at all. Even with little money you can show a child they mean something, especially on their birthday.

BrieAndChilli · 10/12/2020 20:22

I remember one birthday I think my 16th or 17th as I was at boarding school then and my mum picked me up from the bus on my birthday as I had come home for Xmas holidays. Didn’t mention my birthday (and it’s also my sisters although she is younger than me). When we got home she passed me my cards from family etc and said these are for you so obviously hadn’t forgotten it was our birthdays. She dint say happy birthday to me nor my sister or give us even a card.
I think now it’s part of the reason I go a little overboard with my own kids birthdays.

Christmasfairy2020 · 10/12/2020 20:22

This is making me anxious now reading this I have got my daughter a bike tv and a chrombook and bits xmas. Anyways her birthday is jan and was giving her money 100 quid and going shopping. But from what you are saying I should buy gifts.

kitschplease · 10/12/2020 20:27

Still lol-ing at spectacular missing of point in post above, but came to say I had a few birthdays like that - definitely think my parents minded more than me, but I was definitely vague in what I told my friends! I do thing birthdays in the 90s were celebrated on a much smaller scale than now (2020 aside).

NerrSnerr · 10/12/2020 20:28

My parents didn't make a big deal about birthdays at all. I remember one year my mum was away, I must have been about 13 or 14 and I came downstairs and about half an hour later my dad remembered and said 'you're things are in a bag in the kitchen' and that was that. No other mention of my birthday all day.

I was always envious when friends talked about birthday meals with family, birthday cakes, treats etc. It wasn't about huge presents but it would have been nice to have a bit of a fuss made. I also go a bit OTT with my children.

formerbabe · 10/12/2020 20:32

Slightly disappointing for a twelve year old but if it's in the context of a normal, loving, happy childhood then I think you're being very unreasonable to still be dwelling on it

UnholyConfessions · 10/12/2020 20:35

Not at all. I remember siblings all had parties and because I’m a December birthday was never allowed one. Ever. It’s stuck. My birthdays are horrendous because everyone uses the work do/Xmas stuff/too broke cos Xmas to celebrate. As an adult it’s got worse and the siblings don’t care much.

UnholyConfessions · 10/12/2020 20:36

@Christmasfairy2020

Just get her something small, a simple necklace maybe. The cash will be great but something nice to unwrap is always good 💕

Original poster

Twatalert · 10/12/2020 20:36

No, I have never spoken to them about it. We don't talk about stuff in this family. Birthdays etc were never big. I usually got stuff I needed, I.e. clothes, and one toy or sth. There was no joy between birthdays, Christmas etc. If we wanted sth we had to wait it out until the next big event. And we could then only get one thing and it was never expensive. I could never pick a magazine at the supermarket or so, or something else small. Anyway, this didn't bother me much. It was just the fact that they couldn't come up with something to make it a bit of a special day.

My cousin turned 30 today and i saw the photos. Nicely laid out table, homemade cake nicely decorated. It triggered something in me.

Maybe money was tight but effort was lacking. And i don't know if it really was THAT tight. When I turned 16 my granddad gave me 50 pounds. I wasn't too keep them though but had to put them into savings according to my mum. It was awful. So even in better times....I still couldn't enjoy the presents.

For background, I'm working through some old stuff and just looking for perspective.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 10/12/2020 20:37

I could tell you about my twelfth birthday op to make you less ungrateful...my mother was terminally ill in hospital and wasn't conscious. I don't remember my presents but my grandmother gave me card from my mother which she had written in for her.

Noranorav · 10/12/2020 20:39

Ah you're not BU, it's funny what sticks memory wise isn't it? It doesn't sound like it's the lack of presents that affects you but the lack of thought or care that stings. As an adult acknowledge the feeling and put it into the context of your wider childhood e.g was that indicative? In which case your feelings probably go deeper than 'just' a birthday. If not, that's probably why it stands out, but as an adult, you can probably add some details from the time .e.g dad was struggling with his job/household was really busy etc?

PeanuttyButter · 10/12/2020 20:39

Birthdays were never a big thing in our house either. I remember getting cards for birthdays, maybe a token gift then mum would do a buffet style tea for us 3 kids, homemade cake with candles and singing. We never got much compared to others but we didn't mind and we certainly don't care now. Under the circumstances my parents did an amazing job making us feel loved and special and that was enough

EmmaWithTheGreatHair · 10/12/2020 20:39

I can’t remember any birthday presents I received at all, which is something I’ve only just realised. Never even give it a thought.

I was born in the 70’s and although I do remember Christmas presents I can’t remember birthday presents. Is this only me?

I will read through the thread now in the hope there are others like me.

So OP, I’m not sure really. I can understand your disappointment, the atlas though is something that hopefully proved useful. Were other birthdays the same?

Original poster

Twatalert · 10/12/2020 20:40

@formerbabe

Slightly disappointing for a twelve year old but if it's in the context of a normal, loving, happy childhood then I think you're being very unreasonable to still be dwelling on it

Anything but normal, loving and reasonable.

OP posts:

Nonamesavail · 10/12/2020 20:41

I got stuck on a memory like this. I had emdr and it worked a treat. Give it a try.

HOkieCOkie · 10/12/2020 20:42

Sounds like you had loving parents who bought you presents. I fail to see the issue tbh. My friend spend her 12th birthday being abandoned by her adoptive family.

Noranorav · 10/12/2020 20:43

If you're working through 'stuff' that's why you're likely recalling memories like these. I had the same with counselling and addressing some issues - old memories etc that triggered feelings etc from long ago. On your next birthday treat yourself, make a fuss of yourself and do exactly what you want to do for you. Sometimes it's enough to go 'that was a bit crap of them, I'm doing things differently'

NerrSnerr · 10/12/2020 20:44

I get it OP. It has brought back a lot of memories and I remember the feeling. It's not about the presents- it's about no thought or effort being made. I think for me it highlights how dysfunctional my family was and it took many years to realise it.

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