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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 12th birthday

102 replies

Twatalert · 10/12/2020 19:43

This was in the 90s. I remember it like yesterday. It was my 12th birthday. We didn't have much money for luxuries. I received two presents from my parents. A world atlas in book form i needed for school and a pyjama. I remember crying and feeling deflated that my own parents could not think of a little something to make it nice, a surprise, just something done with love.

It was a school day and I was dreading the question 'so, what did you get for your birthday?'. I had an awful day. That birthday stuck with me forever, although birthdays were always a small affair in our family.

AIBU now and then for feeling like this?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 10/12/2020 20:44

Anything but normal, loving and reasonable

Flowers sorry to hear that...it was genuinely hard to work out from your first post if you were being a bit spoilt or if it was part of a bigger issue...it appears to be the latter Sad

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 20:46

@EmmaWithTheGreatHair

I can’t remember any birthday presents I received at all, which is something I’ve only just realised. Never even give it a thought.

I was born in the 70’s and although I do remember Christmas presents I can’t remember birthday presents. Is this only me?

I will read through the thread now in the hope there are others like me.

So OP, I’m not sure really. I can understand your disappointment, the atlas though is something that hopefully proved useful. Were other birthdays the same?

Well. Yes it was useful. But we were required to buy it from school. I'm sure 12yos aren't too thrilled to effectively be given a schoolbook for their birthday. Its not something I could have said 'no, I dont want it'.
OP posts:
UnholyConfessions · 10/12/2020 20:46

@formerbabe

I could tell you about my twelfth birthday op to make you less ungrateful...my mother was terminally ill in hospital and wasn't conscious. I don't remember my presents but my grandmother gave me card from my mother which she had written in for her.
I’m sorry your mother was very ill but that’s That’s really unfair thing to say!

I’ve been there, told my grandfather was dying on my 33rd birthday, grans funeral on my 11th birthday, miscarrying on my 19th birthday, ex MIL dying the day before my 27th . Despite all of that I wouldn’t use it to dismiss another’s feelings about something that’s clearly important they explore and trust me exploring the lack of care parents show you is really bloody important no matter how insignificant or ungrateful it seems to you.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 10/12/2020 20:47

My parents bought me a fleece for my 18th. Nothing sentimental or keepsake, a £30 fleece from regatta! Didn’t go out fir a meal or anything. I was having a really difficult time and didn’t have friends either. I don’t think they were short of money but could have been I suppose. It wasn’t the money, I just remember not feeling important or valued when all my friends’ parents were buying them keepsake jewellery and throwing parties.

nokidshere · 10/12/2020 20:52

I'm a great believer in not letting your past shape your present and future. In the grand scheme of things the lack of thoughtful present means nothing, but in the context of wider family issues (which is what it sounds like) it sounds like it's become a point to fixate on.

Just let it go and work on the bigger issues.

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 20:52

@Noranorav

If you're working through 'stuff' that's why you're likely recalling memories like these. I had the same with counselling and addressing some issues - old memories etc that triggered feelings etc from long ago. On your next birthday treat yourself, make a fuss of yourself and do exactly what you want to do for you. Sometimes it's enough to go 'that was a bit crap of them, I'm doing things differently'
Yes I agree. I have had years of therapy already. Its just never ending. I dont enjoy my birthdays as an adult but I do nice things for me especially this year during lockdowns and Christmas on my own. Flowers
OP posts:
BumblebeeBum · 10/12/2020 20:55

My Mum got me one of those bug in nut toys for my 18th birthday. I was really confused.

We’ve had a strained relationship my whole childhood and haven’t seen her since I was about 23. This still sticks out as something where I just don’t understand her thought process. So I have some understanding of where you are coming from.

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 20:55

@ArosAdraDrosDolig

My parents bought me a fleece for my 18th. Nothing sentimental or keepsake, a £30 fleece from regatta! Didn’t go out fir a meal or anything. I was having a really difficult time and didn’t have friends either. I don’t think they were short of money but could have been I suppose. It wasn’t the money, I just remember not feeling important or valued when all my friends’ parents were buying them keepsake jewellery and throwing parties.
Its the effort that is lacking. Flowers
OP posts:
IsAnybodyListening · 10/12/2020 20:56

Money was possibly tight. I distinctly remember getting an unwrapped 'Take That' CD for my 10th Birthday. No fanfare, no party, no nice food. It was a business as usual day.

FeeLock28 · 10/12/2020 21:00

Twatalert, if you don't like birthdays as an adult - understandably so - why don't you give yourself an Unbirthday? Pick a day you like the sound of to treat yourself as you would wish to be on your birthday, and organise something you really want to do. I don't want to encroach on your carefully structed counselling, but it's something you could consider as part of re-defining yourself.

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/12/2020 21:01

It's a bit sad OP. Even if money was tight they could have done cake, balloons,sung happy birthday, got a couple of cheap fun presents and wrapped them. Just realise it is no reflection on you or what you are worth. Maybe you can enjoy celebrating your birthday more now? Take a cake into work and share with colleagues, or ask friends out for a drink? Make some nice birthday traditions of your own

IsAnybodyListening · 10/12/2020 21:01

Also....Yes to the lack of effort. Incidentally my last present was when I was about 16..It was a tenner in a card.

I make a HUGE effort now for my DC's.

Oddly this thread has come about at the right time. It was my DM's birthday recently, and I got her a £60 bottle of perfume and chocs. X-mas is coming up, and she has made hints. Literally just realised I am 38 and still get a £10 note in a card, when she expects actual gifts :(

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 21:02

I'm sorry for all that felt unappreciated during their birthday! It sure isn't about the big presents but the thoughfullness or the lack thereof.

It may just be a birthday, but its part of much bigger issues so will see where this takes me. Various other birthday stuff comes to mind. My brother was once allowed to invite friends for his birthday, which I never had. Mum made him a bowl of his favourite desert once for his birthday. They talk and laugh about it to this day. There was just nothing like that for me. There are lots of other examples about things my brother could experience and I couldn't. Learning an instrument, a crafty hobby he needed tools for. Somehow he was the favourite child but I still can't quite put my finger on it.

OP posts:
Wandafishcake · 10/12/2020 21:03

Yanbu. When I was 9 my parents bought me a ‘lovely’ (naice) leather school satchel.
I didn’t want a school satchel. I wanted frivolous glittery things like beads and barbies. I cried when I opened the satchel and was disgraced for being ungrateful.
It was disappointing, they got me something that they wanted me to have, rather than something they thought I would like. It’s a sad feeling. I knew I was very very loved. But I didn’t feel seen.

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 21:04

@FeeLock28

Twatalert, if you don't like birthdays as an adult - understandably so - why don't you give yourself an Unbirthday? Pick a day you like the sound of to treat yourself as you would wish to be on your birthday, and organise something you really want to do. I don't want to encroach on your carefully structed counselling, but it's something you could consider as part of re-defining yourself.
The way you describe it it sounds im already doing it Smile took me a long time though to be comfortable with spending money on myself and just do something nice for myself and enjoy life a bit. Flowers
OP posts:
Mmsnet101 · 10/12/2020 21:07

It sounds like this is one incident which stuck with you of a general feeling of being unloved or not cared for OP?

I have similar memories of not wanting to tell friends at school the real story /being jealous of things like other mums making their kid a birthday cake or just putting up a few balloons when they got home from school etc. And this was mid primary school not once I was in my teens and wanting designer stuff etc.

I actually remember crying on the night of my 8th birthday about how it didn't feel special etc, and my mum basically saying get over it that's what growing up is. We are now NC for many reasons, but having my own DC now brings these repressed memories back up from time to time. I just use it to shape how I want family birthdays to go from now on.

hellejuice91 · 10/12/2020 21:10

From some of your further responses OP it sounds like your childhood was a difficult time and in those circumstances you are not being unreasonable at all. These memories can sometimes seem small to others but represent much bigger things in the long run. Good luck with working through everything, it is probably difficult at the moment but you will get there Flowers

Loftyswops988 · 10/12/2020 21:10

I can relate to the dreading of going back to school and being asked, but more so at Christmas. I was super grateful of anything my parents could manage as money was tight but I knew when I got back to school after the holidays there would be the dreaded 'what did you get conversation' and I'd plan all the ways I could wriggle out of the question. I never wanted to be honest but I never wanted to lie either; i used to pretend I wasn't all that interested in presents

Original poster
Twatalert · 10/12/2020 21:14

@Mmsnet101

It sounds like this is one incident which stuck with you of a general feeling of being unloved or not cared for OP?

I have similar memories of not wanting to tell friends at school the real story /being jealous of things like other mums making their kid a birthday cake or just putting up a few balloons when they got home from school etc. And this was mid primary school not once I was in my teens and wanting designer stuff etc.

I actually remember crying on the night of my 8th birthday about how it didn't feel special etc, and my mum basically saying get over it that's what growing up is. We are now NC for many reasons, but having my own DC now brings these repressed memories back up from time to time. I just use it to shape how I want family birthdays to go from now on.

That's it. Balloons etc would just be unnecessary nonsense in my mums eyes. But it would have made a difference during times of tight money.
OP posts:
theonlywayisup33 · 10/12/2020 21:20

OP I am with you. It is the lack of love, thought and care put into the ONE day that you would expect some effort. It is a symptom no doubt of a lack of love in general that you felt growing up.

Namechange8471 · 10/12/2020 21:24

I got a watch when i was 8, one of those tell the time ones. I was so disappointed.
I also remember going to a friends birthday and having to give one of my books as a gift as we were broke 😩

bitheby · 10/12/2020 21:24

On my 16th birthday we visited my grandparents and I was told not to mention it as they wouldn't have remembered it was my birthday and we didn't want to embarrass them.

That was an awful birthday.

These things do grate. It's not the lack of the presents I suspect that it's still bothering you, it's not feeling loved.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 10/12/2020 21:24

my parents had a lot of money when i was growing up but were (and are) tight as a ducks arse.

for my 12th-ish birthday i got a movie soundtrack CD to a film I didnt really like. Also I was a planner and my DM was very last minute. so on the actual day I asked her if she had bought me a cake. She got very angry with me and shouted that she WAS going to buy a birthday cake but I had spoilt it and just couldnt let things go and she had enough to do so now I wasnt getting one. Confused

i have another memory of my 10th birthday when i got a rabbit which I was handed then she said she had work to do and left.

and another of her saying they would take me to the cinema as a family on my birthday. Just googled the movie and I must have been 8! the day came but she was snowed under with work so she asked my DStepFather to take me. As a treat (i presume to make it up to me that my DM didnt come) he let me bring 2 friends. my sister had her friends round playing at the time so they came. they were 6 years older than me and not my friends and had just spent the last few hours saying i couldnt play with them.

Catsrus · 10/12/2020 21:24

We didn't' have money - I never had a birthday party - ever. I don't remember a birthday cake, the presents were very modest.

That's just the reality IMO, I didn't resent it because it wasn't a choice my parents made - there simply wasn't money for non essentials. My parents were generous within the limits of their budget.

I get the impression that it was not the presents really @Twatalert but the fact that you didn't experience them as being given with love.

We were a poor family and didn't have much - but I didn't feel unloved because of that.

I married a man from a family who equated love with the size and amounts of presents you received - that was an eye opener.

wolive · 10/12/2020 21:29

Yanbu. I used to hate birthdays as a kid for this reason, and also remember feeling embarrassed when people asked out what I’d got or what we were doing to celebrate. Worst one for me was a notepad and biro from the post office for my 15th... As others have said it’s not about the stuff, it’s the lack of thought and effort that was hurtful.

Have you read the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? I’ve found it helpful hearing from others who had similar childhood experiences.