My 12th birthday

[Twatalert]

This was in the 90s. I remember it like yesterday. It was my 12th birthday. We didn't have much money for luxuries. I received two presents from my parents. A world atlas in book form i needed for school and a pyjama. I remember crying and feeling deflated that my own parents could not think of a little something to make it nice, a surprise, just something done with love.

It was a school day and I was dreading the question 'so, what did you get for your birthday?'. I had an awful day. That birthday stuck with me forever, although birthdays were always a small affair in our family.

AIBU now and then for feeling like this?

I hear you @Twatalert, I have similar memories and experiences and it’s hurtful. I make sure I make a fuss of my children on their birthday and that they feel special and recognised. One memorable birthday I didn’t get a card and my Mum turned to my Dad and said, “well you didn’t bother to get her one, why is it always my fault”. But I have an ongoing difficult relationship with my mother. I suspect it’s maybe tied up with wider and deeper issues for you.

I can’t remember what I got for any birthday, but I remember dreading them because all the very extended and very blended family would be there and I would feel pulled in all directions trying to pay attention to everyone and avoid anyone feeling awkward.

I was very happy when I could stop celebrating them.

I don’t really see the issue of getting an atlas and some pyjamas? What’s wrong with that as a present?

The real issue seems to be that you felt like you weren’t loved, that your brother was the golden child and given things and opportunities you weren’t.Perhaps if the present had been given with love you would have felt differently.

You're not being unreasonable to have never forgotten that feeling - it's shit when you're entering your teen years and are aware that your family is badly-off, and everyone else seems to have lovely things - but you're a big girl now so I suspect you're being unreasonable to your parents. I doubt those were the presents they wanted to give you, ffs. Grow up.

You deserved to be treasured and treated OP. Who knows why your parents were so unable to meet your emotional needs. Perhaps something intergenerational from their own parents that affected your family dynamics.

I understand where you're coming from.
My parents were pretty poor so we only got very small presents and never a party, but we did always have a birthday tea (just for the immediate family) . Just very simple with a homemade cake with candles and everyone sung happy birthday. Everyone was treated exactly the same and it was enough to make it feel special.

YANBU but you know you need to feel sad, then forgive and move on.

I remember my 12th birthday vividly because it was disappointing too. My parents had bought the same Morrison’s pizza as every Friday night and invited their friends round for dinner (not my friends!). I was so upset that it wasn’t special.

I’m a grownup now and I see that birthdays are just not - and never have been - a big deal for my parents. They had the usual parties when I was little, but gave up on any fuss by the time I hit puberty.

I usually - embarrassed by it, for some reason - ignore my own birthday now too, but it makes me a little sad. I married someone who couldn’t care less about birthdays either so unless I buy it or bake it, I don’t even get a cake.

I make a big fuss for my kids though. Not mega flashy toys or anything, but I celebrate them as a person - we have cute birthday rituals and they choose the food and they have parties (Covid allowing!).

So I get why you feel a bit sad op. It’s okay to.

Birthdays are lovely because they’re about someone celebrating you and feeling excited for you.

My Mum is monumentally shit with birthdays (my dad usually left it up to her, except my bike which I loved!!)
My Mum will say things like “Oh I’ll get you a new mop/air fryer for your birthday” if she hears me say I need to get a new one, followed by “then that’s your birthday dealt with” If she gets left to pick presents out, then it will be something (cheap or reduced) that she thinks I should like rather than something I do like. Or just something she likes..... It’s a bit saddening when she is the ONLY person I ever receive any presents from.

My dh has told me how he never got hardly anything for Christmas, one year a set of snakes and ladders was given to be shared between four of them. Absolutely nothing on birthdays either.

formerbabe - I could tell you about my twelfth birthday op to make you less ungrateful...my mother was terminally ill in hospital and wasn't conscious. I don't remember my presents but my grandmother gave me card from my mother which she had written in for her.

How rude of you to minimise the OP's pain by comparing her experience to your struggle at that age.

Yanbu OP, they could have done something that cost very little to make you feel loved. I always remember Princess Diana's funeral fell on my birthday one year. My mum watched it on TV, cried the whole day, she left my present in the kitchen but didn't even say happy birthday to me. Still makes me sad to this day.

I remember the crushing disappointment when I got a partially used chemistry set for my birthday when my dad had been made redundant. I also recognise they did their best for me that year.

Is there a wider context where you didn't feel loved and appreciated?

Twatalert - I can't really remember any of my presents and my parents probably made little effort.

And I know that's part of the reason I make a really big deal over dc's birthdays. It's not necessarily big presents (funnily, usually books, clothes that they have hinted at plus some small treat) or parties but it's the effort, starting with breakfast in bed and there is always a home made cake and some amount of fuss. One dd is always sad that she has to wait another 365 days for the next one.

I think I've filed away any disappointment about my birthdays but I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable in still feeling awful after all this time for not being made to feel special.

I understand how you feel. It is not about the value of the presents but the lack of thought that went into selecting them. child. My brothers got more expensive presents and had parties for their friends - or at least, that's how it seemed to me at the time.

For years I justified overspending by telling myself I was making up for the lack of nice presents when I was a child. I eventually stopped it when I realised that nothing could better a small thoughtful present given with love. The posts here about the small family occasions full of love really reinforce that realisation.

I also think that it's hard to enjoy birthdays as an adult if you didn't get into the habit of looking forward to them as a child. Of course, as a PP said, it is possible to break the cycle. It sounds as if you are doing this with your niece, Twatalert.

It was never anything I actually wanted, rather things I should have wanted. A silver cross coach built dolls pram but I didn't like baby dolls. I liked my little pony and barbie but I was never allowed more than one because 'that would be ridiculous'. When I was older I wanted records, my mother's anti rock n roll so she bought me a Boyzone album when I wanted a Manics album.

I had parties, but they were always mired by my mother being strange and disapproving of my friends and then that made them not want to be friendly anymore.

I remember my cake on my 6th birthday, it was this old fashioned crinoline lady shaped cake. I wanted a chocolate cake so asked what it was and the reply was "shit with sugar on." I cried all day.

In fact, I've cried on each birthday after because I hate them. I hate the gifts that invariably aren't what I asked, I hate the attention. Now, I buy my own gifts and wrap them for DH to take out and give to DD to give me. This year, my mother bought me, a tub of celebrations, a box of Turkish delight, and 2 packs button things from hotel chocolat. I asked for a nice box of chocolates from the indie choc shop. The 20 quid for 10 chocolates affairs. I don't like celebrations or turkish delight so I've wrapped the celebrations for my brother for xmas and the turkish delight for her. See how she likes it.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP.

It’s the lack of care that hurts.

For my birthdays I used to use the money I had managed to get save all year to buy myself a frozen pizza and my favourite ice cream and lock myself in a room to watch a movie and beg my family to leave me alone for the day because otherwise without fail they would purposefully do something to ruin it.

My mom forgot my birthday at times, she once cancelled it altogether also, this year she wished it to me 3 days in advance «just in case— (she forgot) — » and I then found out through relatives that she had the family of the people who raped me as a kid (that she know very well about) over dinner on the day. Some parents simply don’t give a shit and yet my mom will act absolutely shocked that I want to be low-contact because she thinks her calling me once every 6 months to ask me how I am and taking over logistical stuff I haven’t requested her help from means she is mother Theresa and I am ungrateful.

The truth is, people who have lost loving parents as kids/young adult will find you ungrateful but people who understand what it’s like to have parents who do the bare minimum so they can say they have done something will know you aren’t being unreasonable. Honestly no doubt it would be awful to lose a parent at a young age but I would give everything to have had loving parents (my dad is very violent and seem to think he is reborn Jesus and has never had an interest in being part of our life anymore than on his terms (once every couple of years) even if it meant losing them young. There is something quite daunting about knowing the people who should have loved you the most never really did and you are left being made to feel ungrateful for not wanting to put up with crumbs and constant gaslighting.

Sorry you had a shit 12th birthday. I now make sure everyone I know have an epic birthday but always avoid mine as it also trigger really bad memories.

I think that when you come from a dysfunctional family, the lack of effort they put into your birthday is simply a reflection of the lack of care and love that you experience on a daily basis. It magnifies it, because this is the one day that is supposed to be about YOU, and your family should be making a fuss. And it hurts rhat even on your birthday, they still can't, or won't, prioritise you.

I never received a card or a gift from the age of around 6 or 7. I had a gift on my 18th. They just didn't care. Whereas my brother, on the other hand, got all the usual birthday love - cake, card, presents, a party.

I had therapy to address this and it brought back a lot of the feelings I felt at the time, that I had buried. Your feelings are completely valid! In my case, I told my family how I felt (and received an earful of abuse in response). My brother was the only one who apologised. Interestingly, though, they all made more effort after that.

I don't need cards and gifts from them now as an adult though, but it does mean something to me that they have changed their behaviour.
And what do I do for myself? I usually have a party with my closest friends. I always acknowledge and plan something nice for myself. Because why not. I think it's really important that you do this for yourself as an adult, if you never had it as a child.

Aww that really sad OP. Makes me realise that my DM did make the effort of always arranging aparty for me and making a themed cake. I was 12 in 82'.

She pretty much ignored me most of the time when I look back but birthdays were celebrated for me and sometimes I got the present I asked for.

I have made sure thought o bring my kids up differently from the way I was by watching friends and their parents and learning from them the good bits I like the most.

I hope my kids dont look back at the fact I was always skint on thier birthdays and couldnt afford much, certainly couldnt afford parties and keepsake jewellery.

I made thier cakes and did a homemade tea..must have been a shit birthday for them then

On my 10th birthday, late 70s, I was made to " finish my dinner" sat for two hours. Just sat there. No cake if you don't eat your dinner. I didn't want any fucking cake. I just wanted to get down away from the awful food. Still recall it now.

@ghostmous3 I don't think they will, they'll remember the love.

I got an electric blanket for Xmas when I was 13
Didn't want or need one
Parents both worked and could have afforded more and thought what a teenager wanted
...Another year nasty nylon pants and nightie

Once got a copy of the narnia book from my dad for Xmas... that was it.
The following year he bought me a car... zero consistency.

I'm not so sure. I had everything as a child - even a pony.

But I wasn't the child my mother wanted and I'm still, aged 60, trying to please her. Oh wait, I didn't have everything. I had a fabulous home, fabulous holidays, fabulous clothes, fabulous school, etc, etc. But I wasn't allowed pink because pink was for pretty girls. Even my round specs were blue because pink wouldn't suit me.

When I was 28 I had a pink kitchen fitted and had powder pink carpets and raspberry pink curtains in my first house. And when I had my colours done - pink is one of my best colours. Even though I was a nerdy, mousy child.

It's about love and joy - not money and offenshow.