Give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man

[thecolouryellow]

I have one child who is 7 months old. As he’s growing up and starting to develop a personality, I’m naturally thinking about how I can bring him up to be the best, happiest and most confident person he can be. I suffered a lot of anxiety as a child and I don’t want my DS to experience the same thing. I just want to raise a content and confident child and in light of this, the Aristotle quote in my thread title has been playing a lot on my mind. I know my DS is still very young, but what steps can I start taking now - or what good habits can I begin putting in place - to ensure he had the best possible start in life?

Also watch TV programmes that he wants to watch as he grows up

So if he is mad about pepper pig or Thomas watch with him and talk about the show

And yes listen to him rather than tell him what you think he should do let him tell you what he wants to do at university etc (obviously many years ahead for op) lots of parents we met through school said their child is going to study xyz just because the parent wanted that to happen not the child who might have wanted xyz or even ABC but so much pressure from the parents

Enjoy every moment with your DS cos they grow up so fast

Read him story books - if you can't afford to buy them get them from library so he learns about books as well as screens

Agree 💯% with @Shodan, plus read, everyday and everything and anything, reading is such a gift and great escape from the real world (when independent reading kicks in). It’s also a head start for school.

Shower him with love
Tell him you love him, and he is wonderful many times
Give him your time - non distracted time
Be firm and stick to your your guns. Set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t say for instance ‘if you do that again there will be trouble’ and then when he does it again, don’t ignore it because it’s easier.
The most important one is to make him feel safe and secure. This is done by creating a predictable life, where the same things happen regularly and the child knows what to expect.
Children crave boundaries and thrive on routine and predictability. They need to be taught the correct and incorrect way to behave. So many parents are afraid of setting boundaries and sticking to them for fear of making a scene in public or because it’s easier to give in. This pacifies the child in that moment but creates many problems with respect and behaviour later on.
One of the most important things is not to project your fears and anxieties on to them. I see this so often, the child has learnt to be worried and afraid of things directly from his parent. The parent may not have said anything directly to the child but indirectly the child has heard or picked worries up. That last one is a tricky one though because if you are a worrier, your parent probably was and so it hands down.

Feeling loved and feeling safe is the best start in life for anyone. Encourage them to form their own opinions and engage with them.
Opposite of my childhood really

Sit on the floor with him and pkay/talk
Answer his questions
Tell him when he's right
Tell him when he's wrong
Don't dumb anything down
Show your emotions - you're a parent, not an entertainer
Let him make mistakes
He needs to take responsibility for things
Praise him
He needs to respect others, show him how

Breastfeeding won’t define you or your son. Love & regard will
Parenting failure?absolutely Not. you simply didn’t breast feed. So what?

Ps, I didn't breastfeed ds1 and felt enormous guilt and inadequacy as a mum. I had visions of us having a distant bond, while bf babies would grow up to tell their mums everything, skip to school holding hands and have nightly snuggles on the sofa because they were used to a close bf. I wish I could go back in time, give myself a big slap. Ds6 and i have a wonderful bond and that's because I love him, not because of how he was fed as a baby. Bf didn't work out for us, he hasn't held it against me.

Teaching them resilience can be once of the important things. How to bounce back and make opportunity out of disappointment and to move on from something upsetting.

Feeling safe in that they are loved and that their environment is safe.

Raise the child you have.

My 9 & 7yos have different needs. There is a lot of overlap, but with ASD, DS1 is much more introverted and DS2 needs more people to be happy. In the holidays I book DS2 into some days of sports clubs to give DS2 more physical and social stimulation to meet his needs. It's a win- win as DS1 loves the 1:1 day with me.

Last week, I had DS2 in tears at 11pm over friendship issues. I had a bit of a cry too. I let them express their feelings. There is still too much "man-up" in society. I show my feelings too. It's OK for him to know that I'm sad because he's sad.

Give them reasonable expectations. Do what you say you will. Have boundaries that work for your family. Manners. Laugh. Show them the wonders of the world, even if it's just on your doorstep. Feed curiosity.

Most parents just blunder through and still raise content, functional adults. These things can be over-analysed.

Thank you so much everyone for all this wonderful advice. There’s lots to take in but I’m going to have proper read of all the comments later!

There is lots of good advice.
Build on social skills read social storys as he grows.
Sometimes their personality is what it is.

Twin/adoption studies tend to suggest that parents have surprisingly little influence on personality.

Be led by what sparks his interest, and be ready to be taken out of your comfort zone.

My son was my first born and from , almost, the moment he could walk wanted to explore the world outside. He always pushed for more and more independence.

From being allowed to play in the front garden, to being allowed out of the gate, to play in the street. He was always one step ahead of me. But I let him. It wasn't always comfortable, especially when he became more independent and found his own much loved hobby which naturally took him and his friends out and about.

I think I spent years watching out of the windows for him.

But that's who he is and he's a man now and living a great life. He's confident and not fearful, on the way many seem to be these days.

Just watch OP, he'll show you who he is. It's your job to let him be that and help where you can.

I do think that personality is based on genetics but nurture has a lot to do with how that personality is channeled

I thought the “give me a child until he’s 7 thing” was a Jesuit saying? (I’m probably wrong!)

Either way, I’m not sure I agree with it. I think personality continues to develop long after the age of 7.

Someone once said to me that children are like olive trees (I think it's a Bible quote). We can feed, nurture and water them but they are their own separate people with their own personalities. So we should guide them but not expect mould them to be exactly like us. I have found this really helpful advice.

Try to encourage an interest in the world around you - nature, science, how things work, politics - in an age appropriate way through childhood. It will encourage curiosity and this will help the child to find out who he is and what he likes, as well as understanding that other people have different likes and dislikes, and personalities.

@thecolouryellow

natural term breastfeeding

I wasn’t able to breastfeed, so I’ve already failed on that front.

You did not fail him, and not breastfeeding whether to 6 months or at all, or anything inbetween, will not affect his long term prospects.

I had a "friend" who said that you could tell at a year old who the leaders of the future would be in a group of babies! if that is actually true, we may as well give up on "parenting" altogether. Although there is a fair amount of truth in this:

don't underestimate the influence of genetic inheritance / biological factors

@WaltzForDebbie

Someone once said to me that children are like olive trees (I think it's a Bible quote). We can feed, nurture and water them but they are their own separate people with their own personalities. So we should guide them but not expect mould them to be exactly like us. I have found this really helpful advice.

Yes, I agree. It's advice ignored by most parents though, who think their superior "parenting" skills are responsible for all their children's positive character traits and anything negative has come from the in-laws or school.

But other children's negative traits are all down to inadequate "parenting", of course.

@thecolouryellow

natural term breastfeeding

I wasn’t able to breastfeed, so I’ve already failed on that front.

Of course you haven't failed. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. It's perfectly possible to foster a secure attachment while bottle feeding. Many do.

There's no one way to do things. My way won't necessarily turn out better than anyone else's. Whether what I've been doing has made my son confident and outgoing or whether it's just his personality, I don't know. Everyone just does their best and takes each situation as it comes.

Re the breastfeeding- it really isn't some kind of magical passport. It's merely a method of feeding your child. If you've fed your child, then you've done a good job- it doesn't matter how it's delivered.

FWIW my elder son flatly refused to breastfeed. It caused many hours of discomfort and crying- for both of us! He took to a bottle with no trouble and is now a strapping 6 footer with a penchant for lifting Very Heavy Things (he lifts weights).

Ds2 was much more biddable and breastfed with no issues, but I wouldn't have fretted if he couldn't.