Page 3 | Give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man

Original poster

thecolouryellow · 08/12/2020 23:04

I have three DC and, looking back, I can see their personalities already showing in the first 30 minutes after they were born.

That is so interesting - I don’t think I saw much of my DS’s personality until he started to smile and interact more, at around 4 months. Until then he didn’t seem to have much personality really, as bad as that sounds!

He used to be comfortable in the presence of strangers but has recently started to cry when someone he doesn’t know picks him up or makes a fuss of him. I’m trying to model confident, relaxed behaviour when we’re around other people (and am absolutely certain that I have succeeded in this so far!) which is why I was surprised he’s had this reaction.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 08/12/2020 23:05

Love him much, let him know how proud of him you are but... Say no, don’t let him win all the time, be a team, teach him to take turns, let him make his own mistakes, don’t let him run your life.

Search “benign neglect”, makes a huge difference on resilience, self esteem and independence.

Bagadverts · 08/12/2020 23:07

I really hope it’s not true because there are definitely parts of myself I don’t like.

what reading MN has taught me (I’m not a parent) is just do your best. You’ll be great at some aspects and make mistakes. Apologise if you mess up badly, then let that go if you can and start fresh.

Except with something like being abusive to your child you will not fail. (I’ve also seen incredible love and care described here by parents in abusive relationships. Even if you face that at some point you aren’t failing, you need help and it is put there.)

If you have issues (big or small) ask for help.
From my bringing up
Unconditional love
Accept that this person will have different likes and dislikes and a different personality

I disagree that DS should always come first before anyone else. Most definitely in terms of safety/basic needs. However children (and adults) need to know that sometimes they aren’t the most important person in the room at that moment and that it’s still OK.

DishingOutDone · 08/12/2020 23:07

Google gentle parenting.

MyDisposableUsername · 08/12/2020 23:07

I think this is a bit of nature/nurture question. Yes, do whatever you can to support him and bring him up to be a happy, kind, confident person, but also don't underestimate the influence of genetic inheritance / biological factors.

Totally agree with you @suggestionsplease1

My two sons were raised the same and are totally different personalities. DS1 is a mini-me and DS2 is a mini-dh, but I was SAHM to both.

But the really glaring example of nature vs nurture that we've recently encountered is with DH meeting his bio father for the first time only a couple of years ago (tracked down via Ancestry DNA). They are identical personalities with the same taste in books, political views, same views on religion, etc., and I'm very thankful for that because if DH had been anything like MIL...that doesn't bear thinking about

hansgrueber · 08/12/2020 23:08

I recall saying to my first little bundle We'll always love you despite what you might do as well as because of that you do. It's been sorely tested over the years but we've tried!

june2007 · 08/12/2020 23:08

Go the person who says he has a head start simply for being male, may like to be reminded that is males that do least well in school. (uni may be different.)

june2007 · 08/12/2020 23:09

Find a happy medium. don,t be a helicopter parent, children need to make their own decisions and need to be independent learners. Don,t be too laise faire. Children need guidance and structure.

Muckish · 08/12/2020 23:10

@thecolouryellow

I have three DC and, looking back, I can see their personalities already showing in the first 30 minutes after they were born.

That is so interesting - I don’t think I saw much of my DS’s personality until he started to smile and interact more, at around 4 months. Until then he didn’t seem to have much personality really, as bad as that sounds!

He used to be comfortable in the presence of strangers but has recently started to cry when someone he doesn’t know picks him up or makes a fuss of him. I’m trying to model confident, relaxed behaviour when we’re around other people (and am absolutely certain that I have succeeded in this so far!) which is why I was surprised he’s had this reaction.

The suddenly freaking out at strangers is a completely routine developmental stage, OP. Don’t panic, and don’t force him into being held by other people if he’s reluctant.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 08/12/2020 23:11

Love, respect and kindness. Also use humour to show that life isn’t all serious, I think it’s essential to add that lightness.

But basically they’ll be who they are. I’ve got friends who are about to have their first dc and they have such fixed ideas about how they’re going to shape their child (eg “a strong woman who takes no shit”), who they imagine as a blank slate. I say nothing, they’ll learn

Floralnomad · 08/12/2020 23:11

@thecolouryellow no dh isn’t overly confident but he’s definitely not anxious , just normal . I’m the type of person who will have conversations with strangers etc . I also disagree with the post about secure attachment as aside from breastfeeding ( which I can’t do for medical reasons) we co slept , I worked 1 night shift per week etc was always here in school holidays and after school .

EscapedfromGN · 08/12/2020 23:15

I'm the mother of 5 adult sons.

Dh was not around (working) when they were small but he did step up as they grew older. He taught them practical stuff. Making things and about how computers work. He didn't take much interest in reading to them and school work, that was left to me.

Sport was also good for them. I was very fortunate that the older boys and coaches were great. Scouting and Air cadets were also a good influence. I kept my boys busy in the mid teens. They had no time to get up to mischief. I was strict looking back. No TV in the bedrooms and homework checked by me.

Shodan · 08/12/2020 23:16

I have two sons, one of 24 and one of 13.

My two pennorth, for what it's worth:

Listen to them. Treat their opinions and thoughts with as much consideration as you would an adult's.

Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Tell them that you always have their back. Show them this too.

Demonstrate good manners- show respect and consideration for others, and insist that they do too.

Discipline them when they need it (I don't mean smacking or anything, obviously)

Laugh with them.

Have firm boundaries in place- whilst their needs always come first, their wants don't always. Show them that their parents are allowed time to themselves/to have things when they don't get them.

If they're boisterous, take them outside for a run. Play football or whatever their 'thing' is. Introduce them to your 'thing'.

I had a rule that if I paid for an extra-curricular activity then it had to be followed through for at least half a term. Other than that, don't force them to continue with football/karate/country dancing if they dislike it.

Teach them to tidy away their things (but I warn you, this may not 'stick'! )

Just be interested in them.

DivGirl · 08/12/2020 23:17

Agreed @Joolsin I know a boy (lovely boy) and I know him very well. He will tell you he is great at English, fantastic at maths, a wonderful artist, an excellent singer, etc. His parents have always enforced positivity about everything and have shielded him from anything other than 100% positive feedback. The reality is that he’s working far below his year-group in every subject but his parents don’t encourage him to work harder because he’s perfect the way he is.

I also disagree with Always putting their needs before anyone else. My son has needs, I have needs, everyone has needs. I will always try to recognise my sons needs, but he is learning to understand that my love for him doesn’t automatically make him the most important person in the world.

My advice - be the parent, not a friend. Set boundaries. Encourage, but don’t push. Let them fail safely. Give them as much independence as you can from as early as you can. Try not to throw them out the window when they refuse to go to bed.

Haffiana · 08/12/2020 23:17

Don't put your anxieties and needs to see him safe in front of his need to learn to assess and deal with risks.

DivGirl · 08/12/2020 23:18

Oh, and be consistent. People underestimate how much children need boundaries, consistency and discipline to feel safe.

Tootsietootie · 08/12/2020 23:19

Love them, care for them, fulfill their needs but let them fuck up a bit. Give them freedom to experience risk, teach them that life can be shit but get better. Apologise when you fuck up and give them space to apologise when they do.

nodogz · 08/12/2020 23:24

Love them, not who you want them to be or what they could be. Listen to them. Have fun. Talk to them. Respect them as people. Try not to project your own stuff, if you're thinking about it you're already correcting it.

They have their own personality, it's your job to shape off the sharp edges. Mine is a v loud, very confident, v energetic show-off. He could easily mature into a domineering, entitled, arrogant personality and get away with it as he's handsome and charming (he doesn't get it from me!) Instead we're channelling him into sport and importance of teamwork. We share housework and cooking which we describe as jobs we do because we all live here. We have pets we nurture. And he's developing a broad minded, accepting outlook - seeing injustices (he's 7 and came to talk to me about BLM) and noticing that not everyone has the easy acceptance at school he enjoys. We'd have done it differently if his personality was different.

Good attachment breeds security in who they are. They might be an anxious little soul now but they can learn to see that as a strength (they care, people can trust them, they'll always try their best, they notice stuff) and know that they'll meet others who'll compliment and be drawn to them.

I did grow up on sesame st but really do think welcoming, appreciating and valuing diversity is better for individuals and society and a great value for children to believe in.

Phrowzunn · 08/12/2020 23:24

The fact that you love your son so much that you’re actually worried about somehow damaging him by just being who you are, to the point you are asking strangers on the internet how to raise him, already makes him a whole lot luckier than lots and lots of children. There’s not some perfect way to parent that then creates a perfect human specimen so don’t try to aim for that. He is human, you are human. You will both have flaws and he will be a product of his personality and yours. Yes of course try not to actively damage him (physically or emotionally!) if you can but you have to remember that you have to be able to live your life and be who you are while you raise him and that is natural and he will be who he is going to be with you as his mother. Make sure he always knows just how very much you love him and everything else you just sort of make up as you go along. Try and be consistent. You’ll be fine and so will he

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/12/2020 23:26

@ArosGartref

I have a son who is about to turn 7 and my advice would be never teach him to whistle.

ChloeCC · 08/12/2020 23:31

@ArosGartref

I have a son who is about to turn 7 and my advice would be never teach him to whistle.

Ha. Yes.

CheetasOnFajitas · 08/12/2020 23:31

Don’t shout. It is only now that my very calm and easy going DH and I are raising our son with never a raised voice that I look back and realise how anxious I felt when my parents shouted at me, my brother and each other. I thought it was normal and only now through DH do I now realise it was not. They were not bad people or bad parents, and they were reasonably happily married, but the shouting has left its mark.

SarahAndQuack · 08/12/2020 23:32

@thecolouryellow

I have one child who is 7 months old. As he’s growing up and starting to develop a personality, I’m naturally thinking about how I can bring him up to be the best, happiest and most confident person he can be. I suffered a lot of anxiety as a child and I don’t want my DS to experience the same thing. I just want to raise a content and confident child and in light of this, the Aristotle quote in my thread title has been playing a lot on my mind. I know my DS is still very young, but what steps can I start taking now - or what good habits can I begin putting in place - to ensure he had the best possible start in life?

Is this a quotation from Aristotle? I always thought it was a paraphrase by way of Ignatius Loyola, which makes me want to take it with a big pinch of salt. I'm not sure I fancy indoctrinating my child.

But ... I think, be conscious of what you wish you did differently, and be patient with him in those areas. Apologise, and show him you apologise. Let him see you're human and you don't always get it right. Let him know he's loved, even when he does things wrong. But also let him know that, when he does something that hurts someone else, you won't tolerate it.

ClaireP20 · 08/12/2020 23:32

I have a laid back approach to parenting. I know others have said about routine and boundaries. However, i don't have a strict routine by a long shot, and i don't set many boundaries. For example, on the way home from school today, my middle boy wanted to roll down the big hill in his school clothes. It wouldn't occur to me to stop him. I am an older mum (this time!) and known the value of time going fast. Of clothes being able to be washed.
I like them to be in bed by a rough time each night, but nothing else really. I let them climb over the furniture and i indulge running in the garden on the trampoline in the rain etc. The only thing I would say is that i really love them, and the only things i am strict on are that they are polite, they try to be kind to other people and kind to animals. Oh, and I make sure they read every day! I tell them i love them all the time and hope they know how much I wanted them.

One thing i would say, particularly when my first was an only child for some years, was that it is important to let them get away with things. So, if he sneaked to the fridge to get another yoghurt, for example, i would make out i didn't know. I think it's nice for kids to get away with a bit and be able to be a bit cheeky. I think it's important not to be a helicopter parent! My oldest has just been accepted into a very prestigious school on scholarship, no mean feat considering where we live and our housing situation, so I must be doing something right! I'm sure you'll be just fine OP. What a lucky baby you have! X

ClaireP20 · 08/12/2020 23:35

@CheetasOnFajitas

Don’t shout. It is only now that my very calm and easy going DH and I are raising our son with never a raised voice that I look back and realise how anxious I felt when my parents shouted at me, my brother and each other. I thought it was normal and only now through DH do I now realise it was not. They were not bad people or bad parents, and they were reasonably happily married, but the shouting has left its mark.

This is really good advice xx