Give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man

[thecolouryellow]

I have one child who is 7 months old. As he’s growing up and starting to develop a personality, I’m naturally thinking about how I can bring him up to be the best, happiest and most confident person he can be. I suffered a lot of anxiety as a child and I don’t want my DS to experience the same thing. I just want to raise a content and confident child and in light of this, the Aristotle quote in my thread title has been playing a lot on my mind. I know my DS is still very young, but what steps can I start taking now - or what good habits can I begin putting in place - to ensure he had the best possible start in life?

Oh: and give yourself a break!

None of us is perfect. My parents were abusive; DP's parents were abusive, we both felt as if we had to be perfect and it's just silly. I looked at friends who felt their parents had been really excellent, and not one of them said their parents were perfect. It was always more about knowing their parents were trying hard, and cared.

@thecolouryellow I love going on days out with just my ds. I adore my dh but I think it's such a lovely bonding experience when you're just with your dh and you give them your undivided attention. Long, aimless walks are our favourites but i've been luck to take him on short holidays too. Best memories. He's 6 and i'm so proud of who he is and his lovely personality.

I think having extended support helps a lot. My son has so many people around him who he loves and trusts and vice versa and I think it helps we've all had a role in shaping him

@10storeylovesong

I actually hope this isn't true. My DS is 7 and is suffering with crippling anxiety. He is awake every night worrying about things that just can't happen - tonight's worry is if someone dug to the Earth's core and smashed it with a pick axe, that gravity would cease to exist and we would all float away...

We're doing a lot of work around this at home and school and I really hope there's room for growth.

My now-17 year old suffered crippling anxiety until she was maybe 11 or 12. She's quietly confident now.

She wrote her main college application essay on overcoming anxiety. It was really interesting to read. She talked about how we were able to help her develop tactics to cope, and how a few teachers made a huge difference. Also how her history helps her understand others.

Her dad was similar - anxious child, now an extremely confident successful businessman.

Be available.
Be consistent
Allow him to make mistakes (not life endangering ones hopefully) and learn from them.. don't molly coddle him too much ..let him climb trees, graze his knees, play!
Don't let the ipad be his babysitter!
Always have time for hugs, and when he is older be prepared that the most important conversations will be late at night when you are dying to go to bed!
Remember it's not all on YOU.. his genetics will determine his personality to an extent, but everyone who loves him will help shape him :)
I have two sons and two daughters.. same parents, same parenting.. utterly different personalities. Some I found 'easier' than others as small children , and some years harder than others. But the one thing I think we got right was that DH and I parented as a team.. even if we didn't naturally agree 100% we would check in with each other and compromise.
We also made mistakes..and if we did we apologised to the children.. we didn't pretend to be infallible!
Be prepared for the lovely pre teen to be vile for a few years during puberty..some are fine but others (DS1 in my case ) push you you to the limit.. then they come out the other side, the most amazing young adults!!
Remember..your needs matter too!

I'm not a parent yet but I once overheard a colleague give some advice to another colleague who was about to go onto maternity leave.

He said it very eloquently so I'm sure I'll make a hash of the words but it was along the lines of:

Let them be their own person by holding a space by your side open for them. Let them grow within that space, don't try to shape them or hold them within it, but let them know that that space by your side is always there for them to be whoever they want to be.

The way he phrased it was pretty beautiful to be honest.

@AlmostAlwyn

Mine is only 4, but I think a secure attachment is the key to confidence. For me, that looks like being home with him (I work part time from home), bedsharing, natural term breastfeeding and gentle parenting (most of the time ).

I agree with this. Also, when he cries because he doesn't want to go into nursery, turn around and go back home, spend the day together. You never get that time back. (unless you work, of course).

Thing is @ClaireP20 it’s only now that my son is 4 that the temptation to shout has started to arise and I have realised this, because nobody would ever shout at a baby or toddler, but when they are older and you can reason with them, and they don’t do what you have asked, it’s really tempting to start shouting to get your point across. But I noticed that DH never, ever does it and once or twice I did succumb and my little boy was really distressed. So I took a hard look at myself and decided to nip it in the bud.

I've a quiet shy daughter and a bold confident son.

I'm a single parent.

I've taught my son to
Pee neatly
Never to hit his sister or girls
Cry if it hurts
Don't cry if he can think through what frustrates him and find an answer
Boys and girls are different and to bear it in mind
We have a code word for love. It's something I said when he was 3. I said psssssst I love you. It went on that if I needed to tell him and assure him I loved him, I can say OI psssssssst.
In front of friends, before school or a test, when his teacher bails him out - whatever. It's really useful.

Hands down the best thing I have been able to do for my son is have therapy. For at least a year. I just wish I'd done it earlier - I might have been a less cross, un-empathetic parent when he was very small. But better late than never...

I also tell him I love him a lot - I was never told as a child so I was determined to do that differently. Ditto hugs and positive reassuring touch, though he's less keen on hugs now he's an almost teen.

OP you absolutely did not fail because breastfeeding didn’t work out. The fact that you’re posting on here shows you’re a kind, committed mother who wants to do the best for her son.

I don’t want to derail your thread- but breastfeeding really, really isn’t all that vital. It certainly isn’t what makes the best attachment and bond. What builds a great bond is cuddles, smiles, laughter and time well spent together.

You and your DS will be absolutely fine.

Lots of great ideas here already.

Mine would be learn to breathe well. It helps with co-regulation and will be exceptionally good for both of you. I recommend the Buteyko method.

The best advice stop worrying so much

You will get it right most of the time and at times you will get it wrong

What is right for one child doesn’t work for another

Lots of love lots of positive reinforcement and at times you have to be tough

Some great advice on here.

Another is to really listen to who your children are and believe them, as opposed to listening to the bits you like the sound of and ignoring or stifling the stuff you don't. If you don't feel "heard" by a parent it creates resentment.

Also allow them to be sad about things if they are sad about, even if you think those things are trivial and want them to move beyond it.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

well if you're so desperate to see the man, keep your fingers crossed that DS isn't non binary or transgendered.

It won't matter if OP's son was a girl or boy.... the principles of raising them are the same.

Two loving parents, and a good male role model seem to be very important for boys especially {this is what older teenaged boys tell me}

Don't spoil, have good boundaries, be genuinely interested in them, time spent with them doing fun things is really appreciated.

When you fuck up ( as all parents do) say sorry. You don't need to be perfect.
Teach him about consent even in general interactions as soon as you can
Listen to him. Love him.

Without remembering the context, I don’t take this quote to mean that you can fully shape a child’s personality in those first years, or that who they are at seven is who they will be. I just take it to mean that through a mixture of nurture and nature, they will be who they are at seven, and that who they are at seven will give you a steer on how they might react to future circumstances. I do think that basic personality tenets are formed by then that won’t change, but that doesn’t mean you have been able to shape all of them. It also doesn’t tell you that much about how they will be in the future because so many different things could happen to them, and it is hard to predict how even a specific personality will respond to all the possibilities. You might know certain things though...a kind heart, a sense of humour, a sense of intellectual curiosity.

Vitamin D and iron.

They need to learn that sometimes other people’s needs come before theirs. A younger sibling soon takes care of that.

But of course if you are not in a position to give them a younger sibling there are other ways of teaching this.

But mostly, have fun with him and enjoy the early years. Before you know it, he will be seven.

Love him, read to him, listen to him.

Agree with most of the other posts

My advice would be let him be bored and have time just to look out of the window for a few minutes to let his mind day dream while he is playing

Do this for just a minute or few seconds to start with.

So when he is playing with a toy then stops to have a moment of happy day dreaming don't immediately give him a new toy or distraction

Just let him be, for a minute (obviously check he is happy & safe)

This means that as he grows up he will be happy to play in his own company or day dream (meditate is the adult version of day dreaming IMHO) or use his imagination to draw or write stories or build Lego or play in a den made of sheets & chairs

I do not mean ignore him but not sure I have explained what I mean very well

Just do to the best of your ability. That's all you can do. I grew up with severe debilitating anxiety, mainly due to undiagnosed ASD/ADHD, but my nonchildhood was also in an abusive alcoholic home where nobody was prepared to help me. Instead of kindness, support & advice, would react with threats, nastiness & violence before finally throwing me out at 16.

When I had my DC I did everything I could to prevent them suffering. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone constantly so they'd see me being social & follow my example. Nothing worked. DC have the same crippling anxiety. The only difference is that they have me to fight their corner. So just do your best & don't beat yourself up if your DS is still anxious. Its actually really hard to give an example of not being an anxious person when you're struggling not to be yourself!

I have only skimmed the thread so may be repeating others so apologies if so.

My DC are 9 and 8 and couldn't be more different - the 9yo had a difficult birth, has had medical issues, being looked at for ADHD and is very anxious, whereas the 8yo has suffered none and suffers none of the anxiety. I suspect bad birthing experiences play a bigger factor in things than we realise, alone with nature v nurture. My elder child had the long labour, emergency c section, NICU straight off scenario whereas the younger was c section straight off.

My eldest is so like me (hyperactive and anxious), my hyperactive from father and my anxious from mother. My elder sister half so different upbringing too was really confident and calm as was my younger sister. The only bad birth was mine.

I appreciate anecdata before anyone leaps on me, however there is a growing amount of anecdata in this area.

As the mum of 4, sixth form aged and older, it's how you love them AFTER they're 7 that really counts in my experience. Loving and caring for an under 7 is not easy but they generally just want you. Things can so often be fixed when they're little with a hug and a story and love. The day to day shit is hard and exhausting but not as emotionally challenging as when they get a bit older and their feelings get stronger.

When they start reaching out the for world beyond your 4 walls, everything becomes harder. They don't share as much, you have to start listening to the subtext as well as the verbal text. They experience so many things you have to learn not to fix, even though it's your complete instinct to do so. At the same time, you have to be prepared to stand up for them when they need you to, even though they don't tell you that either. They still cry and need a hug from their mum just like they did when they were little, but they don't always let you do that and that will break your heart every time. So, you just have to be there, even when they don't want you to be because there will come a time when they do. You do end up with pretty cool adults to hang out with who will nearly always fill your heart with joy, so that's a bonus!

I love that you are realizing already that there is an end game to all of this but for now, just love him for who he is and enjoy him. And don't even give the breastfeeding thing a second thought. You fed him regardless, you're all good.