To Think My Parents Have No Idea What Life Is Really Like?

[GreenlandTheMovie]

for most people?

DM was a teacher, DF some kind of computer repair engineer but took early retirement at 50. Yes, 50. Never worked again. Both on final salary pension schemes.

They were moaning this week about how "poor" they are, because their pensions don't entitle them to more than index-linked increases to keep up with inflation, unlike people in salaried jobs who can get actual pay rises (I haven't had much of a pay rise in the last decade but theres no telling them). Apparently, they don't have enough money to "do the things they want" without using their savings.

The "things they want to do" include having a large holiday home in France where they normally decamp 6 months of the year, having a Carribbean cruise and a holiday to China last year, similar holidays in previous years, and running their 5 bedroom house. They have a nearly new luxury motorhome and 2 cars. They have also benefitted from 2 large inheritances from relatives dying.

Theres no telling them - apparently, life is very unfair and hard on pensioners like them and retiring at 50 is not at all unreasonable because of the way the company was run.

Yep, my mother stopped working soon after she got married in her 20s. Father retired early from the army, Never had any financial problems as adults, comfortable house, nice car and all the clothes /leisure they wanted yet they spent their life complaining and feeling sorry for themselves and criticising everyone around them...

Meh. Mine are similar BUT both grow up relatively poor in post war times. Neither grew up with a flushing indoor loo. They were very frugal for a very long time.
Swings and roundabouts.

And our houses weren't a pittance at the time we bought them.When interest rates went up almost every month.
And you know what? I don't care - I've earned it and I'm spending it.

@Kissthepastrychef

Until recently, fire services police and military services could all retire at 50 , on generous index linked pensions.

Yep for which certainly the police officers have paid dearly. DH pays 15% of his salary into his pension - 15% every month for his 30+ years service.

I don't begrudge your DH his pension or early retirement but I currently pay the mandatory 12.8% of my wage into my pension (if you are in the pension the contribution amount is a fixed amount) and my current retirement age for claiming my pension is 73. A whopping 52 years of service to the lovely NHS.

I’m amazed all the SAHMs aren’t brandishing pitchforks on this thread with the numerous references to mothers who “never worked a day in their lives”.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I think one point worth making is that the generation op parents were brought up in were largely brought up to believe that they should stand on their own two feet and not expect anything from other people or indeed even the state.
Hence you have the "you have made your bed now lie in it " mentality quite typical of that generation.
So it wouldn't occur to them to help out the next generation directly because it was seen as a moral failing to accept support. People were often v poor when they were starting out even if they subsequently ended up being comfortably off and they saw that process as character building ( and indeed it was in some ways ). I think they also have a strong belief in passing on that wealth through inheritance so see that as a natural progression of the generations.
Obviously I am generalizing and no doubt there are many exceptions but I still think this general mentality was quite prevalent overall.

I have to say I think this is a bit of thing - my parents lived through the 1980s 15% mortgage years but have seemed to forget that happened.
They have two pensions from Dad (military service he retired from at 55 and a civilian one he built up himself) plus mums - they have a higher income than me and my DH (both working) and yet they don’t have the same outgoings. Mum in particular is very good at spending on stupid stuff and then moaning to me she doesn’t have any money - I’m driving a 14 year old car about but she has a new one every two years (not leased). She’s constantly on at me to get a better car but can’t seem to understand that we can’t afford it (plus mine works fine, it’s just a bit dented after 14 years of supermarket parking and my not awesome driving skills).

It’s like they have decided they are poor and struggling so no one can be worse off then them. And yet both got a free uni education with grants, I had loans to pay back, our mortgage is massive and I can’t afford to pay into a pension right now!

Was just about to say similar, those moaning on here about their parents huge houses and holiday homes are going to be very wealthy indeed when they inherit.

Or a care home will get a lot of money.

@justgeton

Interest rates of 15% in the 1980s wasn't much fun for us oldies who have paid off their mortgages.

We didn't have any free childcare either...

Just to balance things a little...

Yeah? Well my parents in NZ did 22% mortgage for only a few months just like you, as opposed to the young today who will pay off the resulting vastly inflated house prices for the rest of their lives without similar salary inflation so it sounds like you had it EAAASSSY mate.

Oh yes, the cars thing. DF patronising told me on my visit that "cars have improved an awful lot in terms of safety since yours was made". My car is 8 years old!!

And he didnt make that remark because he was interested in safety, he made it to point out that my car isnt that new and that I'm not as successful as I might think I am, because I have an older car.

They do things like buying a car or motor home, not liking them and trading them in quickly at a loss to buy one they like better. They waste thousands in a way that most people working now cannot afford to.

And the chat was also full of how they were getting their bathroom redone by some company, because tiles "are considered old fashioned". Yet DB has done loads of plumbing jobs for them free over the years because they won't 0ay for repairs!

I always get upset when I visit them because they just constantly show off as if they are competing with their own children and have to prove themselves superior. Instead of being proud of producing 3 hard working people who are doing their best. It's always talk about money and how much they are sending, while at the same time claiming to be poor.

And no, to the posters above, read the f up. We won't inherit anything. DF's plan is to use it all up in care home fees. That's why they're spending all their savings (inheritance) now. His own mother did this (they certainly weren't going to look after her).

Was just about to say similar, those moaning on here about their parents huge houses and holiday homes are going to be very wealthy indeed when they inherit.

Unlikely. Their generation inherited family wealth when their parents dropped dead in their sixties. But they are living thirty years longer, in care homes at £50-100k per year. The property boom years will fund their comfortable nursing care, to be fair, And that is something. For all the bitching about how they have no idea, I am glad they are cosy and comfortable as the drift off into dementia.

flapjack, yes (about standing on own two feet) and indeed a generation where it was almost shameful to accept any kind of state benefit even if you were almost starving. My parents;' view was they paid for our education and then in my father's joking words "you divorce your children at 18". Also my parents and my father's parents had some relatives who tried to be very dependant on them - my grandparents had all kinds of sundry uncles and cousins needing jobs, living at their house as they provided a stable home, my grandfather often has his nephew and niece living with him even in school holidays and my mother's widowed mother was slightly difficult in a similar way when my parents were first married so my parents' view of if possible avoiding all these hangers on who want a free ride was probably coming from their own experience. Life is hard enough supporting your own under 18 children without having to take on even more responsibiliities.

if you come from a poor family as most of us ultimately did eveni f a few generations back then getting those girls to age 13 when they could go away to live in service (and get fed at someone else's expense then) or boys away to sea as some of my ancestors went aged 12 (after a sailor father died early on) meant more food for the very small children still with the parents. Other cultures have fairly early marriage for the same reason.

I don;'t agree with free univesrity point above. Remember only 15% of people went to university so the 85% did not have free university when I went to university so for most there was absolutely no free university at all. There was an obligation to pay higher taxes than now in order to pay for the special 15% who were the very few able to go. Also many of us who did go got a really tiny minimum grant and no loans so unless a parent was prepared to top that up to pay our rent we couldn't go.

Finally life will always be hard for most people in all times and seasons. Many women who divorce end up in poverty in later life. Plenty who give up work and then their man disappears end up with very little before and now. I will work until I die (I have a state pension at 57 but after tax is only just about covers the council tax) which is fine - I like my work. I have given what I have to the children and yes I agree that puts them in a better position than other children but I call that love - doing your best for your own children but not to an extent they become spoilt. They certainly have to work for a living and the older 3 are entirely off my hands for life. I suppose I will be paying a bit towards my daughter's wedding next year but that's not a major amount and is a one off.

labobo that’s just not true, few of the current elderly have inherited any substantial amounts because firstly home ownership was much rarer (my GPs rented all their lives).

yet they spent their life complaining and feeling sorry for themselves and criticising everyone around them...

Sounds to me like most of the younger people on this thread.

@Europilgrim

Older people will always tell younger people how much harder they had it and still have it Not really. My late FIL retired at 64 on a final salary pension - and lived for over 30 years more on it! He was always saying how lucky he was and was very generous with his money in the family despite not having an expensive lifestyle himself. In the last few years of his life he used all his pension and considerable savings to pay for nursing for my MIL and then for himself so that we wouldn't feel we had to step in and he wanted to spend his last few years with his family because they wanted to see him not because they had to look after him. He was lovely and I miss him so much!

This is lovely and I agree. Also People still pay tax on wrk based pensions if it’s a taxable amount.

@GreenlandTheMovie I don't think it's a generational thing, it's just some people.
I have a tiresome relative who bleats incessantly about being on a fixed income. What that translates into is maintenance from an ex, while being married to a multi millionaire who has bought her 18 apartments to run as a hobby lettings business (she had never previously worked out of the home since leaving school). Her kids' education is paid for through to end of university. She has five cars (the convertible is too cute to get rid of / need another that's big enough to tow the boat / the 4x4 is essential in winter etc). No way on earth anyone can look at that lifestyle and see any hint of deprivation or hardship, yet still she talks about how careful she has to be with her fixed income (effectively it translates into her asking her parents to cover private medical fees and being embarassingly mean with gifts to kids in the family while simultaneously requesting really expensive things for herself / her kids).
Some people are just utter dicks about money. If you can adjust your head to find it amusing and gently teasing them it might take the irritation out of it all!

I haven't seen OP saying it was a generational thing or having a go at boomers. She asked if her parents were unreasonable, which they are. They sound miserable and mean. My parents were lovely. People are different.
The kicker for me was that OP's parents would want to charge her for using their holiday home. My parents, if they'd been that fortunate, would never have dreamed of such a thing. They didn't even like me paying for a meal when we went out, even once my income was much greater than theirs! (And yes I did insist). It was their pleasure to treat me because they loved me. OP's parents, regardless of age, just don't sound like nice people.

My DF retired at 65 and then got a part-tine job until 71 to supplement his state pension plus a a small works pension (which he contributed to all his working life).

My DM did part time jobs once us children were in school, working a couple of hours in the daytime plus evenings. We didn't go to nurseries and no free childcare was available. She wouldn't have had time to work anyway as there were no automatic washing machines, dryers, and microwaves. Washing sheets daily (children wetting the beds) was in the bath, hand washed after soaking and then put through a wringer before going out on the line.

We lived in a council flat then a council house before they bought it under 'right to buy' after being tenants for 20 years. No double glazed windows and central heating. Yep, they never had it so good.

Or a care home will get a lot of money.

Exactly!
The relative I spoke of doesn't even have dc & still moans that she will have to pay for her care whilst other lazy people get it free. Surely it's a privilege to have hundreds of thousands to spend on your choice of care?

I honestly think these older rich relatives not helping out their younger poorer family are just plain selfish in themselves and it is not really a generational thing at all. £10,000 a year on cruises is excessive for average UK middle class!

I dread being asked to sort out the French holiday home for them so don't do it. Let them pay for professional help.

The 'high inflation' effectively wiped out your mortgage debt ! In 1974 Inflation was over 24%....that meant a quarter of your (and my) mortgage debt was wiped out in a year. Inflation is the friend of anyone with a debt to pay of.
You also received 'mortgage interest tax relied. The more interest you paid, the more tax relief you got !

I don't know any older people who speak to their children the way you've described. All the parents I know help their children and acknowledge the disparity between what each generation is able to achieve. If you don't like how they are and what they say then distance yourself from them and get on with your own life.

Every single one of us, whether we like to admit it or not, would also take the advantages if they were available to us. You cannot blame a generation because things that were available to them are not available to you. And you cannot blame them for taking full advantage of what was on offer at the time.

They don't indeed, Gooseberry. My inlaws were a bit like that so I get what OP is talking about. Yes I get that mortgages were dearer, ours was horrendously high interest rate too. But when mil went back to work part time, she never paid for childcare, either asked her friend to keep an eye on the children or when almost old enough latchkey kids, fil worked on the railways so they had dirt cheap train travel for the whole family, for themselves too for the rest of their lives. MIL retired n her 50s on spurious medical grounds and got pension at 60, I'll not be able to retire untilI'm ten years older than she was. fil retired with a good pension at 60. They were stingy, my grandparents used to give me a little bit of money every week when I was little, mine never got a penny from them, even as they got older if they went to stay they would never buy them an icecream, or bring them a little token pressie from a holidays, they got into trouble if they were hungry and took some food, their income after expenses was more than ours but managed to get us topay for meals out, they had expensive campervans, holidaying for months allround the country and abroad, and built up lots of savings, which they could have used to move to an easier house, but they didn't, so fil got dementia, without doing power of attorney, mil v frail, house not suitable everything done at the very last minute, so very expensive, so no nice easy move to an easy bungalow, all their savings went on firstly an easy living annex, and a live in carer before that because of the house, they got less than a year out of their new living annex before one of them died, the other couldn't manage on on, so rest of savings went into a care home, had they not held ono their savings at all costs they would have been so much better off and had a much pleasanter end of life but income was for holidays, and savings for saving not using to mak life better. had they splashed out they would have had lots of savings at the end of their lives - the house went for the same price as others without a over a hundred thousand paid out on the annex . they enjoyed their long hols, but never benefitted from their stinginess apart from that

Life in Boris's Breadline Britain. Tell them to vote commie next election!