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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cheeky SIL spoiling niece. Opinion?

83 replies

MariaK91 · 07/12/2020 17:12

So, before DH could think about what to buy our 6mo niece for Xmas, SIL messaged me with a list of things we 'could' buy her & to let her know when we've bought one of the items so she could inform everyone else. We hadn't asked her for ideas, it was out of the blue and SIL didn't wait or ask if we'd bought anything yet or had some ideas.

Bear in mind niece is 6 mo and isn't crawling yet, the things on the list were stuff I don't think a 6 mo can use...e.g. rocking horse, swing, slide. It's not cheap stuff either! Ideas are really helpful but I think it's a bit cheeky sending out lists of expensive stuff we're 'allowed' to buy! Anyways, we got this rocking horse, but the age recommendation is 2/3y+ so it seems a waste of money that's just going to sit around not being used for years when we could have got something more age appropriate. Just buying things for the sake of it really.

I was wondering what other peoples thoughts are because I think SIL is using everyone to spoil her. It's her baby ofc she can do what she wants but it got me thinking that I would really value teaching a child what it means to want something, wait for it and appreciate receiving it, but how does a child learn that if they already have everything before they know if they even want it? What do other people with kids think? I desperately want a child and was looking forward to building a relationship here but it feels a bit artificial SIL dictating what we 'have' to buy. I'm gutted niece wont open this present and get really excited about it because she is still a baby, and that's the best thing about buying children presents is how crazy excited they get and grateful they are.... It's not my business really but what do other people think?

OP posts:

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/12/2020 17:15

You shouldn't have bought the rocking horse.
The best way to discourage cheeky fucker behaviour is not to indulge it! I would have bought a cuddly toy or something else age appropriate.
SIL is using other people's money to finance her wish list - it's always rude to ask for things unless someone offers and requests ideas. Even then, it's rude to ask for expensive things.

katy1213 · 07/12/2020 17:16

You must be mad. I'd have got a rattle or a little teddy or something.

TeenPlusTwenties · 07/12/2020 17:17

I think you should work out how much you want to spend on niece going forward, bearing in mind there may be more. Then in future say if her suggestions are too expensive. You can also say 'oh we've already sorted something' if you don't like her suggestions.

liveitwell · 07/12/2020 17:18

YANBU. Whilst I get that SIL wants quality presents for her LO, she should buy them herself if she knows what she wants. Or at the very least at least phrase it that if you were at a loss of what to get, these are some bits I think she'd appreciate.

She should allow others to buy what they want. Next time, feel free to say 'oh sorry SIL, we've already bought LO something we think she'll love!".

Having a list to buy off takes all the excitement away.

Biancadelrioisback · 07/12/2020 17:22

See I always felt quite bad if people bought things which DS already had or someone else had bought as it would just end up regifted or donates.
Every year I get asked what DS would like at the last minute so I write a list of ideas earlier on and dish them out when I was asked and pop their name next to it so I know not to give two people the same idea.
It sounds like your SIL is trying to do a similar thing? Maybe just a bit more preemptively and bluntly?

Biancadelrioisback · 07/12/2020 17:24

Mind you, DSs birthday is a few days before Xmas and one year I had bought him a cozy coupe for Xmas and MIL surprised him with one for his bday and I was gutted!

MoonPomme · 07/12/2020 17:24

Its rude to offer suggestions unless they've been asked for.
My friend does this, very specific things for kids birthdays and Christmas.
Last year it was lego sets for the little lad, last time I was there he was still playing with duplo so im not even sure the kids are receiving or being allowed to keep the things asked for.
Ive ignored the requests for more fucking lego and got them things I think they will like and are better value.
To be honest most kids end up with way too much at christmas anyway.

TinyGhost · 07/12/2020 17:24

I wouldn’t have an issue if a sibling asked me for a rocking horse, but we send each other our amazon gift lists.

Is it usual for your DH’s family to ask each other for lists?

Strangedayindeed · 07/12/2020 17:25

Yeah that sounds annoying and a bit grabby, but is it any of your business if she’s spoiling her?

I may be wrong but it seems like you don’t like your SIL? This seems a bit of a non issues, either buy something from the list or say I’ve already got something. No need for all this overthinking.

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 17:28

@Biancadelrioisback

See I always felt quite bad if people bought things which DS already had or someone else had bought as it would just end up regifted or donates. Every year I get asked what DS would like at the last minute so I write a list of ideas earlier on and dish them out when I was asked and pop their name next to it so I know not to give two people the same idea. It sounds like your SIL is trying to do a similar thing? Maybe just a bit more preemptively and bluntly?

But surely you wait until you're asked for ideas for a child's present?

And many parents don't bother buying any Christmas presents at all for a six month old baby DS was born in April, and I think had the most tokenistic little presents soft toys, Duplo blocks -- for his first Christmas. Sending someone, without them asking, a sort of extravagant wedding list type thing including rockinghorses, swings and slides is really grabby and tone-deaf.

OP, I would take that rocking horse right back to the shop and buy your niece a soft toy or a baby book. You're just encouraging bad behaviour.

Original poster

MariaK91 · 07/12/2020 17:33

@TinyGhost

I wouldn’t have an issue if a sibling asked me for a rocking horse, but we send each other our amazon gift lists.

Is it usual for your DH’s family to ask each other for lists?

Not normally, this is all bit new, previously we've either not done presents or done really small ones, like last year SIL bought me a baubal to put on the tree and I bought her bath bombs. It seems just this year it's suddenly stepped up several levels and I'm a bit unprepared for it!

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 07/12/2020 17:36

I do literally say in my post (which you've quoted) that I dish out the ideas when I'm asked for them.

AcornAutumn · 07/12/2020 17:48

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

You shouldn't have bought the rocking horse. The best way to discourage cheeky fucker behaviour is not to indulge it! I would have bought a cuddly toy or something else age appropriate. SIL is using other people's money to finance her wish list - it's always rude to ask for things unless someone offers and requests ideas. Even then, it's rude to ask for expensive things.

This.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 07/12/2020 17:49

I think your SiL is being a bit cheeky. But saying that, lots of people struggle to know what kids have and dont have and for some friends kids I really struggle. Also I think your expecting a but much for a really young child to be able to value really wanting something and being super grateful. Before they are old enough to develop their own interests and personalities it's hard even for parents to hit the mark with presets every time

RichTeaCheddars · 07/12/2020 17:53

My baby is 6 months old.... A rocking horse and similar are totally ridiculous gifts to request at this age. It'll not get used for ages and just collect dust. At this age all my DD wants is something that feels nice in hetr month. Lol. Sophie the girafe or a skip hop bandana buddy are perfect. A thick cardboard or cloth book are great too.

Also, babies have no idea it's xmas so unless they need something specific they don't 'need' an xmas present (need vs want)

pictish · 07/12/2020 17:53

Being how I am, I’d oppose her. I wouldn’t have bought a rocking horse...perhaps a Jellycat plush or something else nice, so long as it wasn’t on her bloody list.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/12/2020 17:54

Unless you are very well off, that's a massive present to ask. And what next, a rocking horse and swing for a 6 month old, in a couple of years you will be asked for iPads.

PuffyChuff · 07/12/2020 17:55

Can you take the rocking horse back ? If that's an option I'd do that and get them something you like . Something musical and loud perhaps ?

Redlocks28 · 07/12/2020 17:58

I can’t believe you bought it! How much did you spend?

I’d have replied saying, ‘we’ve already bought for DN, so we’re all sorted, thanks!’

HitthatroadJack · 07/12/2020 17:59

Its rude to offer suggestions unless they've been asked for.
between siblings? Not really. You know they will buy a present, a guide is helpful and quite normal.

What IS cheeky is listing expensive items. That's just rude. Even if you'd rather have a baby walker or an activity table, at least leave the choice to people on how they want to spend!

OP, YABU but only because SIL is not spoiling your niece, she is making others spoil her, which is another lever of CF

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/12/2020 17:59

My Dbro and SiL bought a little, low rocking horse for Gdd’s first birthday - it was small enough for her to ride on even then.

However it had come from their favourite charity shop in France and cost €7! Was a great success with visiting wee ones too.
Just saying.

NigellaAwesome · 07/12/2020 17:59

How much was the rocking horse?

I would have thought £20 is an appropriate sum to spend on a baby that age from an aunt. Make sure you set expectations going forwards. Have you told SIL that you have bought the rocking horse? Can you return it?

Nottherealslimshady · 07/12/2020 18:00

You shouldn't have bought it.
I think its rude to send gift lists without being asked. And you should always include things for 10 and 20 quid.

gettingfrustrated21 · 07/12/2020 18:01

A 6 mo will get no enjoyment from a rocking horse.
If I were you I’d return it and buy something they can actually enjoy now and gifts for 6 mo don’t have to be expensive.
To be honest the toy my niece loved the most at this age was a little soft toy covered in labels, like the ones you get on clothes. She seemed obsessed with feeling all the little labels. Kept her happy for ages whereas the electronic all singing dancing battery toys she seemed to ignore. And tell sil you’ve already bought something but thanks anyway for the ideas.

HitthatroadJack · 07/12/2020 18:01

@KatharinaRosalie

Unless you are very well off, that's a massive present to ask. And what next, a rocking horse and swing for a 6 month old, in a couple of years you will be asked for iPads.

it's all relative, prices tend to start around £30, not exactly massive. Still a CF though.

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