Cheeky SIL spoiling niece. Opinion?

[MariaK91]

So, before DH could think about what to buy our 6mo niece for Xmas, SIL messaged me with a list of things we 'could' buy her & to let her know when we've bought one of the items so she could inform everyone else. We hadn't asked her for ideas, it was out of the blue and SIL didn't wait or ask if we'd bought anything yet or had some ideas.

Bear in mind niece is 6 mo and isn't crawling yet, the things on the list were stuff I don't think a 6 mo can use...e.g. rocking horse, swing, slide. It's not cheap stuff either! Ideas are really helpful but I think it's a bit cheeky sending out lists of expensive stuff we're 'allowed' to buy! Anyways, we got this rocking horse, but the age recommendation is 2/3y+ so it seems a waste of money that's just going to sit around not being used for years when we could have got something more age appropriate. Just buying things for the sake of it really.

I was wondering what other peoples thoughts are because I think SIL is using everyone to spoil her. It's her baby ofc she can do what she wants but it got me thinking that I would really value teaching a child what it means to want something, wait for it and appreciate receiving it, but how does a child learn that if they already have everything before they know if they even want it? What do other people with kids think? I desperately want a child and was looking forward to building a relationship here but it feels a bit artificial SIL dictating what we 'have' to buy. I'm gutted niece wont open this present and get really excited about it because she is still a baby, and that's the best thing about buying children presents is how crazy excited they get and grateful they are.... It's not my business really but what do other people think?

So my husband and I do have a wishlist for our 15 month old- we originally made it for ourselves to keep track of things we liked but we sent it to friends and family who expressed interest in grabbing gifts just to give them ideas. Because it was originally for us, it has a range of expensive and cheap items- which has worked out nicely because people can just pick at it based on their budget.

That being said, it is nice to have some control over gifts for her because honestly, we were getting given a lot of duplicates or stuff that we had made clear we weren’t interested in because of size or safety or whatever. I know it feels like you’re being dictated to, but there may well be solid reasoning behind her choices (we are trying to be intentional with our daughter’s toys as we live in a 2 bedroom flat for example) and she may just think she’s being helpful so you don’t have to think too much about it!

Can agree the rocking horse seems a bit excessive for a 6 month old though!

Having been in this boat myself perhaps you've totally misread the message? Every year around Christmas and birthdays, I get about 20 messages asking what my daughter would like. As a very small child I just send them a list of ideas now and they can decide what they want to get her from the list of do their own thing. Perhaps she thought she was doing you a favour instead of you worrying about what to buy? Devils advocate here is all.

So my husband and I do have a wishlist for our 15 month old- we originally made it for ourselves to keep track of things we liked but we sent it to friends and family who expressed interest in grabbing gifts just to give them ideas. Because it was originally for us, it has a range of expensive and cheap items- which has worked out nicely because people can just pick at it based on their budget.

I wouldn’t put expensive items on a shared list. Do you also buy expensive gifts for family?

At that age something for £5 would be fine. A first Christmas book would be ideal, well that is the route I am going and I plan to repeat it for the first few years.

Whether or not you agree with a wish list for Xmas or birthdays is personal preference for each family. However, I don't get the correlation with learning to wait for something they really want. Xmas & birthdays are customary times to give gifts.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a list, as grateful as someone might be for gifts, if you have several of the same thing it's a waste. That said, expensive things such as that are cheeky, if people ask me what to get DS I always stick under £10.

Is this her first child? She may be unsure of how to approach things. She wants to get useful things which is fair enough, but it should not be unsolicited.

To be fair everyone asks me to give a list for the kids. I think it is pretty standard practice but maybe not for a 6 month old. I would give her the benefit of the doubt - she might be overwhelmed with the baby ect.

@tallduckandhandsome

So my husband and I do have a wishlist for our 15 month old- we originally made it for ourselves to keep track of things we liked but we sent it to friends and family who expressed interest in grabbing gifts just to give them ideas. Because it was originally for us, it has a range of expensive and cheap items- which has worked out nicely because people can just pick at it based on their budget.

I wouldn’t put expensive items on a shared list. Do you also buy expensive gifts for family?

Yep! They don’t have wishlists as they’re all older but we do budget to spend a reasonable amount on family, and it usually amounts to what we receive or more (big family). When I say expensive though, I don’t mean £100s. Most items in the £5-25 range, which all who have received the lists have said they are happy to spend in that region. Mostly fun jellycats and books or wooden blocks really. We also encourage people to buy second hand if they spot it and would prefer to save money.

A list is fine, but it should either have inexpensive or a wide range of things. I don't know why you bought the rocking horse though. You don't have to buy what's on the list!

Our list went to people who asked, but some of them bought other things, which is fine. Thankfully BIL checked with us before he bought something that we definitely can't fit in our house, though!

Ridiculous - who does that?! I would completely ignore the list and pointedly get her something else. Bloody cheek.

Return the rocking horse.
Buy a baby board book.

In future laugh at the gift list and say you’ve already bought a book/hat/finger paint.

I love it when I get asked for something specific instead of wandering round Smyths for 2 hours ripping my hair out.

My family know each other's budgets and if one of the kids wanted an expensive present then I would just be asked for money to contribute to present.

A rocking horse on a list for a 6 month old is crackers though, I wouldn't buy it and I would tell them I wouldn't be buying it because the baby is six months old and it's fecking ridiculous.

I got a list from a pregnant friend (someone from school so not that close!) who's baby shower I'll be attending. The cheapest gift on the list was a cot for the baby! The list included everything they'd need for the baby up until 3 years- clothes, toddler bed, walking equipment. She's 4 months pregnant and shower is in 3 weeks. She's planning another shower nearer her due date for anything we missed. I've told her I'm not going. I understand parents of young kids don't want shit they don't need cluttering up their homes but a 6 month old doesn't need a rocking horse! If they'd specified just buying clothes or even a box of nappies that would make more sense! I bought my DN nappies, tin of formula and some clothes for her 1st christmas as she was 3 months old. No need for this faff.

Depends how expensive the rocking horse is? If they asked for a antique traditional rocking horse made with real horse hair I would have told them to fuck off 🤣 but if it’s a cheap £20/£30 rocking horse then I think that’s fine. Even though she’s not old enough to use it yet I’m sure it will look nice in the nursery? We had a small rocking horse and I think dd only went on it once.

It’s best for finances and the environment to work from a parents list. Good way to keep the clutter down. However if the cost of a toy is too much simply put x amount towards the toy.

That sounds fine @Peeteea

My dbro is a CF and tried to dictate birthday and Christmas presents with his lists whilst getting my dc utter crap I get a token nice present nothing expensive. I wont be dicated to what and how much I spend. Apparently I was rude, work that one out.

It’s a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. She made a suggestion. You could either buy something else or buy it with another relative together. They don’t seem wildly age inappropriate - my youngest was definitely up and down a slide before he could walk. Buying it and then moaning seems a silly option. Buy it and don’t moan or don’t buy it and don’t moan!

I am going to guess it’s the little tikes rocking horse, slide and swing?

They aren’t that expensive - rocking horse about £25. Great little present.

But presumptuous to assume you wanted to spend this amount.

Say thanks for the ideas -

but these seem really expensive - shall we all go in on this rocking horse and pay £20 each or whatever
or just buy what you want.

CF when you haven't asked for a list. Rocking horse would be nice for next Christmas but for now the baby just wants something it can chew on. Believe me, I have a toddler and a 10 month old. It's all about the chewing.

I would return the rocking horse and buy something more age-appropiate.

I can't get past the fact she bought you a BAUBLE and asked for a rocking horse!!! Wow.

@MariaK91 unbelievable. I'm shocked someone would do this. I would buy whatever I like. I've asked my sister in law before if she had any ideas of what's could buy my nephews and nieces but I asked. No one informed me what I could buy. How presumptuous is and arrogant / condescending. As if you aren't smart enough to figure out what to buy. I think this is outrageous and I would never do it and I've never had it done to me. I might ask my sis in law this Christmas if there's a specific toy they would like or maybe they're into something specific right now- it used to be peppa pig so I bought them the peppa teddies etc.

Since we've had kids, we've always given lists to each other in our family. BUT it is suggestions not prescriptive. And one nephew (who incidentally is lovely and not spoiled) always used to only have expensive items on his list (£40+ whereas we only usually spend around £15). I never used to spend more than that and if it meant getting him something off-list so be it. Just make sure you do now whatever you want to put in place for the future - there's a lot of Christmasses and birthdays to come!