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Original poster

Cheeky SIL spoiling niece. Opinion?

83 replies

MariaK91 · 07/12/2020 17:12

So, before DH could think about what to buy our 6mo niece for Xmas, SIL messaged me with a list of things we 'could' buy her & to let her know when we've bought one of the items so she could inform everyone else. We hadn't asked her for ideas, it was out of the blue and SIL didn't wait or ask if we'd bought anything yet or had some ideas.

Bear in mind niece is 6 mo and isn't crawling yet, the things on the list were stuff I don't think a 6 mo can use...e.g. rocking horse, swing, slide. It's not cheap stuff either! Ideas are really helpful but I think it's a bit cheeky sending out lists of expensive stuff we're 'allowed' to buy! Anyways, we got this rocking horse, but the age recommendation is 2/3y+ so it seems a waste of money that's just going to sit around not being used for years when we could have got something more age appropriate. Just buying things for the sake of it really.

I was wondering what other peoples thoughts are because I think SIL is using everyone to spoil her. It's her baby ofc she can do what she wants but it got me thinking that I would really value teaching a child what it means to want something, wait for it and appreciate receiving it, but how does a child learn that if they already have everything before they know if they even want it? What do other people with kids think? I desperately want a child and was looking forward to building a relationship here but it feels a bit artificial SIL dictating what we 'have' to buy. I'm gutted niece wont open this present and get really excited about it because she is still a baby, and that's the best thing about buying children presents is how crazy excited they get and grateful they are.... It's not my business really but what do other people think?

OP posts:
MoonPomme · 07/12/2020 18:05

I think its still rude between siblings, ive got a few and if they need ideas they will ask me.
Usually they have their own ideas and just check for sizing or that its not a dulpicate of what we've already got.
I cant imagine saying buy the way he wants this or this out of the blue. Too rude.

hansgrueber · 07/12/2020 18:09

Its rude to offer suggestions unless they've been asked for.
between siblings? Not really. You know they will buy a present, a guide is helpful and quite normal

If I got an expensive list to 'choose' from my response would be along the lines 'Too late, already bought a present!'

MikeUniformMike · 07/12/2020 18:14

Another one saying take the rocking horse back and get something age-appropriate.

Your SIL has a PFB, and you need to nip it in the bud now.

ExpulsoCorona · 07/12/2020 18:14

I wonder if lots of family members had been asking the couple what to buy for the child (e.g. your MIL/FIL, your SIL's husband's family members etc) so they have come up with one list of things that they would find useful in the future to avoid receiving a load of stuff they don't need or duplicates. I really don't think I'd mind this if it was my sibling's child (or my husband's sibling's child).

KittenCalledBob · 07/12/2020 18:19

It depends, families have different approaches to present buying so this would be considered cheeky in some families and perfectly acceptable in others. Just make sure that when you and DH have a baby you ask SIL for something equally generous Grin

Alicenwonderland · 07/12/2020 18:21

My family and I always do a list of what all the kids want. We have a set budget which we've pre discussed (£15 each) and stick with that. It's works really well. My ex's family on the other hand wouldn't consider this therefore we'd end up with things not age appropriate, things they already had or things they didn't like. It's just a waste of money although it did teach my kids how to gracefully say thank you for all gifts whether they liked/wanted them or not. I think the biggest issue you have is with the money, she obviously has a much higher budget in mind than you. I'd have a chat about it now, just say that as the family grows so will the cost so best to start out realistically.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 07/12/2020 18:28

Yeah, take it back and get her a drum.

Dohrehmee · 07/12/2020 18:28

Why not just buy clothes and a cuddly toy. Babies need clothes as they always growing. You sil should perhaps suggest if anyone is worried about giving duplicate items then they can give it with the receipt . To ask for a swing fir a six month old Is not age appropriate and grabby. Looks she’s trying to get as many expensive items from others.

pictish · 07/12/2020 18:30

@GeneParmesanPrivateEye

Yeah, take it back and get her a drum.
Yes yes...do this.
CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 18:30

While I agree that pre-empting any requests for ideas and making assumptions that you want to buy substantial presents is pretty rude/presumptuous, I am not quite so anti the idea of a rocking horse. Reason being that the baby is too small to understand Christmas or appreciate any present right now, so it doesn’t matter if the present is not something she will enjoy straight away. Over the course of the next year between now and next Christmas she may well take an interest in it and I found that part of the challenge as a parent was to have an eye on the toys/books that my son might grow into so I could introduce them now and again to see if he was ready yet. Also, with a rocking horse that is officially labelled 2-3 years a younger toddler could almost certainly get some enjoyment from it if the parent helps/supervises them, and they could use it to pull themselves up even if not riding on it. To be honest by the time they are 3 they might well be a bit over rocking horses.
Subject to proper supervision and the very important warnings about choking on small parts and anything that carries a strangulation risk, I have generally found that official age guidance on toys is a bit conservative.

Jenasaurus · 07/12/2020 18:32

I remember getting my DS a rocking horse from Argos when he was 2, it was still a little big for him at that age , although he did love petting and pretending to feed him until he was able to clamber on. My rocking horse wasnt expensive but it would be totally inappropriate to ask that of an aunt for a 6 month old.

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 18:33

Also, as a parent I bloody hated getting cuddly toys as gifts. My son has two that he loves (one we got free on a holiday, the other was a tenner in Tesco bought to keep him quiet on a fraught shopping trip) .The rest of them sit about gathering dust and I feel massive guilt that they were chosen with such love but are not being played with. Depends on the child obviously but an expensive cuddly toy is a gamble.

CheetasOnFajitas · 07/12/2020 18:36

Yup, @Jenasaurus I reckon with that if you waited till they were over 3 as the guidance states they would already be a bit old for it, whereas it would be fine for an 18 month to 2 year old, especially, as you say, for pretend feeding and patting.

PrayingandHoping · 07/12/2020 18:37

We do amazon wish lists in our family. Otherwise u end up with duplicates or something unjust don't want or so massive and in the way!!

We also ask for things they will want between now and next Christmas/birthday

We do however talk budgets and make sure there's stuff to match on the lists

KleinBlue · 07/12/2020 18:38

@GeneParmesanPrivateEye

Yeah, take it back and get her a drum.
Grin
SlippersForFlippers · 07/12/2020 18:38

I'd rather buy something they wanted, I ask all my family for ideas. If it's something expensive then I would usually go halves with some one else.

Sceptre86 · 07/12/2020 18:43

I agree with a pp that you should not indulge a cf. She will only get worse. We invited my sil over for xmas dinner, we are Muslim and do not celebrate but will still be having a roast dinner. She asked if we were doing gifts and I said no as dh has said in the past that whilst he is happy for us to have a nice meal he wants the kids to grown up understanding that Christmas, whilst a nice time of year is not our special celebration and I agree . I have got a selection box for our nephew and our own kids as well as some chocolate coins. Dh has now decided to buy nephew a present as his sil hinted at it. He was annoyed when I pointed out that she is a cf and will gladly take but not reciprocate also he won't buy for our own kids.

Your sil sounds like she has a listbofbstuff she wants her child to have but instead of forking out for it herself is asking others too. At 6 months old, both my babies liked anything that made sounds or they could chew on. A rocking horse is not suitable for child under the age of 1 in my opinion.

Ideasplease322 · 07/12/2020 18:45

You can’t spoil a baby. Anyway I hate the term spoilt, puts the blame on the child and suggest character flaws, when it’s really the parents you want to call out.

All you need to say is thank you for the ideas but we have already got a present for Lilly.

PandaBearCub · 07/12/2020 18:48

How much did you pay for the rocking horse? Did she ask for a specific expensive one? I think gift lists are cringey. I would’ve got her an age appropriate toy, like a cloth book or teddy with different textures.

SunshineCake · 07/12/2020 18:53

Why did you buy the rocking horse if you felt like that ?Hmm.

Pumpertrumper · 07/12/2020 18:54

I have a 9 month old and can confirm this is in fact CF bonkers behaviour. I request ‘ethical/wooden/sustainable’ wherever possible but certainly aren’t sending out lists of demands.

I did buy DS a rocking animal which is too old for him technically but he LOVES riding it whilst you hold him. So in fairness DN might get more use than you’re expecting. Still CF behaviour from SIL though.

I recently heard a couple sent out a birthday/Christmas list for their 7yo DD that was the stuff to redecorate her bedroom. I’m talking flat pack furniture, mattress, light fittings...etc I honestly can’t understand how some people sleep at night Blush

I intend to try and run ‘themes’ for DS each year. So like next year might be ‘toy food...etc’ ask if people will find something to help us play shops/kitchens/cafes. Whether that’s a toy till or a little set of food/shopping basket. But there’s a huge range of options and budgets available within that area so don’t feel people will mind x

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2020 19:01

Have you already told her you bought the rocking horse? If not, return it and get her something £10-£15. Nip this in the bud now as the lists will get more expensive as the baby gets older.

Crinkle77 · 07/12/2020 19:01

@TinyGhost

I wouldn’t have an issue if a sibling asked me for a rocking horse, but we send each other our amazon gift lists.

Is it usual for your DH’s family to ask each other for lists?

Sending a list is one thing but a cheeky to ask for expensive presents.
Cocomarine · 07/12/2020 19:02

A list is helpful. You didn’t have to buy from it, so stop complaining!

And stop being so sanctimonious about children learning to wait! Get off your high (rocking) horse. What a ridiculous idea that you can’t buy a present for a child without being accused of some moral shortcoming 🙄 I daresay this child will have plenty of experience of waiting. I bought my Y6 an iPad for homeschooling. Guess what? She’s been loving budgeting her pocket money to buy Xmas presents for friends, and is saving herself for an expensive art set that she wants. You can give presents without ruining character 🤣